I was desperate for breast feeding success stories (minus
sunshine and rainbows) when I was in my first few weeks of motherhood. To pay
it forward- here is the good, the bad and the ugly of BFing.
Highlights:
Kins was almost 100% breastfed until he started solids at 6
months and had no liquids but water until almost 12 months. At that point
we introduced milk in a sippy cup. He was last BFed on January 26th 1
year and 2 weeks. His last bottle of pumped milk was in November.
The first several weeks were BRUTAL.
By month 2 I loved it.
There were times I thought he wasn’t getting enough (wrong),
that he was too small (wrong) and that I just couldn’t continue (wrong).
Best Advice: Don’t quit on your worst day.
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| After last BF. Bittersweet |
The Dirty Details
The Early Days
Before kins was born I was “Eh” on BFing. I know it’s great
for babies, but I didn’t know if it would be right for me and my baby. Hub
laughed (gently) that I wouldn’t last a week BFing because I’m so sensitive
there. When kins was born he was laid on my chest (after being checked out for
the meconium and wiped down a bit) and he found and latched right on to my left
breast. I jumped. It was uncomfortable and by uncomfortable I mean “very F’ing
painful”. The midwife told me not to
jump so I wouldn’t scare him. Clearly she didn’t know my kid (but he was 2
minutes old so who did). He has NO problem eating under any circumstance. Kins was an excellent latch and he loved BFing.
His second morning on earth was a bumpy one for me. I was
taking my first post-birth shower (NOTE: it was awesome). While I was in there
hub had bub and the pedi came in. Our pedi office isn’t affiliated with the
hospital I delivered in so our pedi didn’t come. The woman who did was NOT
someone I would select. She was in and out and didn’t wait for me. She told hub
that kins lost “too much” weight and we “had to” supplement. Then she left. I
cried. I wasn’t super invested in BFing, but bub liked it, and I liked kins.
He’d been here less than 30 hours and I was failing him. The nurse came in, saw
my state and called the lactation people. They assured me that it was fine, he
hadn’t lost QUITE 10% of his birth weight. They confirmed I was making
colostrum, had good nips and we could BF. They gave me some pointers on hold
and position. Kins was good at BFing. I was just really sensitive and so there
were hurdles.
By his first well baby appointment at 4 days old he had
started to gain weight at the rate of an ounce a day. I told them I was
concerned he was starving because he cried whenever he wasn’t “eating”. I was
assured he wasn’t starving (but no one could convince me, and I
won’t convince you, but odds are YOU ARE NOT STARVING YOUR BABY). To calm my
nerves they sent me home with a 6 pack of pre-mixed infant formula “just in
case”. I used one every 2-3 days the first 2-ish weeks. Looking back- I don’t
think he “needed” it, but it introduced the bottle (as a working mom, this was
a MUST), let hub feed him (bonding time) and gave me peace of mind and a break(priceless).
For us, it was a win.
Schedule
When he was tiny, I nursed around the clock. I remember
crying when hub told me kins wanted to eat again. Kins loved BFing, it made him
feel safe, and sleepy. He ONLY napped on my breast for…. 5 months? He’d latch
on and pass out, waking within two minutes of me easing it out of his hungry
little mouth. WAILING until I “fed him” again. He was on the breast for 45-50
minutes of every hour most of my 13 week maternity leave. My blissful break was
a few 4 hour stretches when he would sleep- on top on me. He never napped
anywhere but in my arms on my breast. If I had realized that’s what was
happening it would have been less hard on me. I thought he was starving,
getting on, finding no milk and just lying there gently sucking and waiting for
more to come in.
I went back to work when he was about 14 weeks old: I fed
him before I left, he got 2-3 bottles while I was out, I fed him as soon as I
got home at 5. At that point he cluster fed usually eating at 6, 7 and 8. He
slept for 3 hours (the longest stretch) 8-11 and then ate every 2-3 hours until
the morning. Exhausting. At 8 or 9 months he was down to 2-3 feeds between 7pm and 5am. Then I went away and hub night weaned him and got him sleeping through
the night. MIRACLE. I WILL say I think
it’s true that BF babies sleep less well. He used my breast to fall asleep, so
when he woke naturally, he needed it to
go back to sleep.
I started pumping when kins was 2-3 weeks, so that I could
“up my supply” and have some banked for rare nights out. Honestly, my supply
was really good- not superhuman- I didn’t have enough to feed a litter of
babies, but I could feed my one son and have a little left for storage. At work
I started pumping 3 times a day, dropped to twice a day quickly. My best advice
for pumping moms is to get a good double electric pump and a good hands free
nursing bra. Makes life so easy! Was down to once a day when he was about 9
months. I don’t think he got formula
after that first 6 pack. A few times I tried to introduce it- either because I
wanted to go out, needed a break, had bleeding nips, or in the end, give him
something other than milk after I stopped pumping. He wouldn’t take it. As I
mentioned above, at 9 months old, I left kins home for a 4 day work trip to
London (for which he had plenty of milk for all feedings). I brought my
electric pump but blew it out as soon as I plugged it in. I did have a manual
pump, and used it there and when I was home for another month. When he was just
over 10 months old, I stopped pumping at work. It was time consuming and
painful. We made it another month + for day time feedings before running out.
At that point he started on milk in a sippy cup. It took a few exposures, but
he LOVES milk now.
I got Mastitis once- THAT was a BAD time. It hurt so much and I felt awful. I pumped about 1/2 an ounce on that side over the whole day- this at a time I was getting 8oz a side (pumped). Kins couldn't get anything out either and bit me in frustration- he had teeth. Hot compress, advil, antibiotics and breastfeeding the not so hungry baby eventually fixed the problem, but it was NO JOKE.
The Wean
I was done pumping because of the broken electric pump at 10
months. I think I would have done another month had it not broken. I did want
him to be on cow’s milk at one, and I wanted him to be off a bottle around that
time too. I had a stored month of BM frozen, so that would have brought us to
12 months before introducing cow’s milk. There were no issues though, so I’m
not at all upset at the way it turned out.
I think the broken pump helped me slowly phase out pumping-
I was getting less and was less willing to pump with the manual one. There were
no engorgement issues from that being cut out.
I would have liked to continue to BF morning and night for a few more
months but the drive for TTC kins' little won and I started cutting out the
morning feed just before one. At that point he was having cow’s milk and was
less interested in the morning feed. Sometimes he slept through the morning one
anyway. The night feed was harder to drop- for me.
Kins cared very little when the BFing came to an end. He got extra stories and snuggle times instead and that was fine with him. He made little happy sounds when he would see the breast, and would latch on greedily, but he never would pull at me when I didn't feed him. I went from every night to every other night and then, 1.5 weeks before my "you can go on pills" blood draw, I cut him off. It was the perfect feeding, short, gentle and he fell asleep on me (as he usually did). I put him into his crib, he didn't wake to cry and it was over.
The following week I was a bit uncomfortable, I leaked one day. I only leaked 3-4 times since kin's birth so that was a little odd.
Parting words
I had all the new mom problems- cracked and bleeding nips,
extreme pain, fear of starving bub. I got all the gear- cream, cooling pads,
better bras. TIME was the only thing that helped. It is really stressful to be
the only food source for a tiny person that everyone you know loves. Your life
changed DRASTICALLY in just one instant- you can no longer make a cup of tea or
take a shower without breaking a tiny heart. Oh, and you're exhausted. Having a
baby attached to you 24/7 (or crying because you’re not attached) is a
stressful situation. It’s normal to feel that you “can’t do it” and may be for
you, stopping is the right decision. That's OK. My only advice: Don’t quit on your worst day, and don’t
think it won’t get better. It does- fairly quickly.
I grew to love BFing, but it was more because I grew to love the time with my son. It wasn't a life changing thing on its own HE is the life changing thing. BF, bottle, solids- whatever- I was providing for a tiny person I love more than anything. THAT is special, BF just made getting him fed and happy easier.
