Where am I Going?

I’ve been absent because I’m not sure what this blog is moving towards anymore. I don’t know what I’m moving towards anymore.

I am not one of those women who struggle with regrets: not really anyway.

I am terribly sorry that this happened to Blue Sunday, but that isn’t really a regret.

I regret that I bargained with god when I was pregnant to please, please not let me miscarry. I started bleeding at 10w1d: My parents were on vacation: I didn’t want to do it alone. That would have been so much easier. Careful what you wish for, right? I don’t even believe it, that’s the worst part of that regret.

I DON’T regret my choice, I did the right thing for the innocent life inside of me. I don’t regret not doing L&D. I don’t have a laundry list of doubts: Did I do the right thing? Could I have handled it? Would he have lived? Yes, No and No. Emphatically so.

The women who regret and question seem to be the ones who can mourn for ages. They can think about their baby and imagine another life. In my other life, I am still in mourning, just for less time than I have been in this life.

I’m not the type to write letters to Blue Sunday- I think the little spirit has moved on. Hopefully to someone else, or waiting for me- but more likely just gone, gone. Forever gone.

I am not pregnant. That’s the other place these blogs go. Perpetual mourning or new hope. And I am neither. Not really.

I think I’ve gone depressed. I’m not crying all the time like before. I earned those tears and they made me feel better. I’m just generally sad, worn out and defeated. I can’t concentrate, not even on TTC anymore. I missed a bunch of test sticks this month and it didn’t really phase me. We didn’t feel like Sexy Time on a night that was key for baby making- so we skipped it. This would have been unthinkable just a few weeks ago.. but we just don’t have the heart anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, we want a baby, but it is all I’ve thought about for 1 year and 8 months now. Too long.

It doesn’t help that we have been TTC for so long that my EDD for the first month we “really” tried post-loss passed Monday. I remember because I thought having a baby on Veteran’s day (observed) would be nice for our military family- though I would likely have missed a very close friend’s wedding (which was Saturday). I never thought there was a chance in hell I would be drinking at that wedding- but drink I did.

This blog should hit its 5000th view with this post- which is cool. I assume that my readers are other TFMR moms, some non-TFMR loss moms, may be one or two parents of kids with special needs and I assume a voyeur or two (which is fine, it doesn’t bother me in the least). To all of you, thanks for reading, and hugs to you all in whatever your life trial is that brought you here.