Gimmie 3 Steps

For once I would really love to have 3 steps forward and no steps back. I was very briefly on a roll.

I start the infertility work up on Thursday. At least, I have an appointment on Thursday to get everything started. I had a brief conversation with my doctor, she offered either an immediate referral to an RE and do everything through them or me starting testing through her, since there are things that will need to be tested at any RE. Since I love my OB and I want to get things started ASAP, I wanted to say with her for the early stages. I assume we'll talk about who I can go to on Thursday. I really don't want to go through my whole shitty reproductive story to a new doctor.

Also good, I feel like I was making real strides in improving my life- working out, eating better, re-connecting with people. And then the re-connecting blew up in my face.

Before the holidays I mentioned that I had two friends who I thought might be pregnant. One of them is not, she and her husband are TTC but have had no luck ( know I mentioned this before). The other is pregnant. I went to college with her husband, and I did a reading at their wedding. He called me on Wednesday night after accepting my invitation for dinner for Monday night. It was awkward from the start, as soon as my phone rang with him number I knew it was a pregnancy announcement. I wasn't excited to hear it, and so I wasn't excited that he was calling. After a few pleasantries, he asked what we'd be making. I told him I wasn't sure, and that hub would be cooking. I know I was being difficult (though I really don't cook). He said something to the effect of "can you just make sure there's no nuts or alcohol". My friend has been allergic to nuts since long before college, so I laughed and told him of course not. I managed not to cry in the moment. Then he said "I can't have nuts and Wife can't have alcohol- since she's pregnant". I waited a beat too long to reply.  I think I started off with Oh when I did start talking. But I did ask when she is due (in July) and I did congratulate them. I managed not to say anything supportive when he told me "She 's more than 12 weeks now, so we're starting to tell everyone". I didn't even say "Did you get the testing done?" which I almost did. And I didn't say "You KNOW I was 17+ before we had any bad news, right" even though that would have been true.

I went back into the restaurant and cried at the table filled with my close friends family (Sister, Brother-in-law, parents) and my hub. He told me later he thought I had gotten my period (that happened 2 days later) and that when it wasn't that he thought "we still had hope this month".

I don't feel like we have hope any month any more.