Distraction or Healing

Yesterday, Hub and I were just hanging out and he got down on his knees, put his face to my belly and told it there better be something growing in there, please please, please. It was sweet, but gave me some flashbacks to when Blue Sunday was there. I made me sad. Again.

Overall, I feel much better about my loss, I don't dwell on it so often now. I have to calculate how old he'd be. That said, I don't know how much of it is getting better and accepting it vs. being distracted by TTC. It scares me that those raw feeling of loss are going to come back once I finally achieve pregnancy; once I lose the distraction and am only faced with MORE fear, anxiety and (potential) loss.

I want to heal. I don't want to be in this terrible cycle anymore, but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to see a councilor, because I'm afraid they will want to put me on medication and I'll have to put a hold on TTC. Also, I just don't want to talk about it in depth.

I can mention it in passing now without getting choked up and without feeling pleased at making other people uncomfortable- which is a relief. I felt like a jerk, being happy that other people had to deal; with my raw pain. When we were making the appointment with the RE, I was asked how long we had been TTC. I told her "We've been trying for 13 months, I was pregnant for 5 months ending last January. Before that I was trying for 6 months. So almost 2 years total. We chose to terminate the pregnancy when we were diagnosed with T18." The woman said something to the effect of "this is really terribly sad. I am so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been" It was very genuine. I agreed and went into my usual response "Yes, it really sucked. It is hard". It was nice that it was acknowledged as a hard decision and an awful situation.

All in all, I feel like I'm healing. I hope I'm healing. I am really tired of being sad.