No and Nothing

This is a post of no and nothing (and a lot of words):

No BFP- Now CD 6 after starting spotting at 10DPO, which was just hours after a negative pregnancy test. 

No Results from the SA- I am SO annoyed about this. The clinic did all other their business with hub, so I can't be 100% sure that this is correct. He was told that my GYN should contact him with his results in about a week. This would have been last Thursday. Thursday was the day before a MONSTER blizzard and it slipped our mind in the midst of important preparations- like buying beer and having one last night out before a night of being shut in.  Stuck in the house on Friday I remembered, but there was a driving ban in the city and I know the office would be closed. On Tuesday when life in Boston was back to normal-ish, hub called the GYN and they told him results weren't in yet but that they would call once they got something. I am going to call the clinic today, though I know they won't tell me anything. Hub can't have his cell at work so really can't make dead-end phone calls.

No motivation- My mental health and physical is in the shitter. I am crazy stressed: I have GAINED 7 pounds since the New Year. My next post will be a Goals update from the post from the new year- just so we can celebrate how lousy I am at everything.

No direction- Hub and I had a good, long talk while snowed in about medication, IUI, IVF and adoption. We discussed mood swings, periods of bed rest, surgery and the difficulty and joy of older child adoption. I am starting to coalesce more around the "IVF isn't for me" camp. I have done a lot of reading, listening and research into IVF and it seems so mentally and physically draining and I don't know what I have left to give. I'm not closing the door on it (heck, I don't even know that I NEED it) and I am not judging those who do IVF, I just feel that any negative HPT after an IVF cycle will validate my feelings that no child wants me to be his or her parent (which is foolish and wrong- I know that). I told hub that IF we did IVF, I need to be square-center in healthy weight range, since there is slightly better odds if you’re a normal weight. Unfortunately the “Weight loss for fertility” class is on a school night- so we have to wait for the summer. So we're afraid of all of our options.. of our future.

Nowhere to turn- I have always liked reading stories about real people in real situations. As a kid, I looked forward to reading the Reader’s Digest.. who does THAT at 8? I was a regular reader of a few bloggers with kids with special needs, a few others by people with cancer I read many about loss of children. I have cut way back in these readings as I’ve been hurt twice in the past few days. I’ve learned via a post on one blog, that many agreed with, that my type is thought of as a voyeur. The sentiment is that just by reading I’m hurting that blogger because they feel that people are only reading them because they are in pain.  I am NEVER  wishing harm on anyone, I am never rooting for anyone’s failures, I want the best for everyone. I know it shouldn’t, but that comment really got to me.

Since I was on a blog-world break (unless I subscribe to you, because then it’s okay apparently) I was spending more time on BBC. I like the debate posts at least until the other night. There was a post about the phrase “I would never do IVF” and there was a group of people who felt this was a dick thing to say. The vocal part of the group seemed to defend this by saying that if these words exit your lips you’re 1) Not in that situation, so you don’t know what you would do (true, but that’s true for all situations) 2)  A religious asshat who is against IVF because you’re brainwashed (ummm what? I’m not religious, but I don’t think religious people are all brainwashed jerks) or 3) That you don’t want children that badly if you won’t do IVF. Ouch. The ‘proof’ that I don’t want kids is that I feel the strain IVF would put on my body, time and mental stores isn’t worth a 43% chance of a pregnancy (not even a take home baby). I don’t know that I can go through the death of another child. I could put the effort I would have used in IVF into adoption. Adoptions can fall though, but it would be unlikely that they would fall through because of death. A loss is loss, but knowing my child (the child I would have adopted) is still living I imagine would be some type of comfort.