Of all the days, this is the one I least wanted to write about. There was so much potential in this day, and we really thought, for a time, that it would go the other way. The "you're having a healthy baby" way.
I don't remember a lot of this day. The morning I spent in bed, but awake. Sick, but not unwell. I called out of work, obviously. I don't remember giving any reasoning. By morning I was about 15 hours into a stomach ache that didn't relent for weeks. We played the Sims on the iPad again. I cried. I read some of The Hunger Games, I had gotten the series for Christmas. I cried again.
Finally, it was time to go to the appointment. I think it was in the early afternoon may be 1pm? That would make it the first after lunch appointment. I honestly wonder if the office was actually even open that day. No one else was there.
My OB is on the 4th floor of a building that is mostly prenatal offices and offices useful prenatally. My OB, 2 MFMs, ultrasound, Quest lab etc. I went to the u/s office, which is in the basement. Hub came with me and after I completed my paperwork we sat in the waiting area. I had gotten a new, black leather bag for Christmas, it is a beautiful purse. I was thinking about how much I liked it was it rested with the straps over my knee. I focused on that purse and not the reason I was there.
Eventually we were called back and I talked to Linda, the u/s tech. We'd seen each other quite often at this point in my pregnancy. 3 times early, once for the NT and not for the high-risk scan. I pulled down my pants for the scan and linda laughed at how big they were. She asked if they were hub's. They were just my fat pants. I had lost 10lbs at the beginning of that pregnancyy, but was up 2 over starting weight at that point. I have no idea where it was going. I never needed maternity clothes. (I am avoiding the meat of this post like the plague)
Linda brought images of the baby up on screen before the MFM came in (he'll be called India from now on). Blue Sunday was cute and lazy as always. The focus was on the baby's structures though, so we didn't spend a lot of time looking at things I could make out. Hub held my hand every minute of the procedure. Thank God/ the universe/ luck for him. Thank the same for Linda, she was appropriately reserved and talkative about both Blue Sunday and other things. I'll never forget she was leaving for France after my U/S was over for a long post-holiday trip. We talked about that a lot.
I was being scanned for a long time. Eventually India came in and started asking me all kinds of questions. Had I been taking fish oil (but it's good for the brain! he told me when I said no), what were the odds again?, would I want an amnio? His recommendation was that I only get an amnio if the scan showed markers or if we would terminate if the baby had T18. I started to cry. He looked at me like I was crazy. It wasn't the first time termination crossed my mind, but it was the first time anyone said it out-loud to me.
He started talking about what T18 would mean. The baby would likely never make it to team, if he or she did, baby would be unlikely to ever leave the hospital. Hospitals in the area rarely did surgeries on kids with T18. He said kids who do live don't usually eat, walk, talk or crawl on their own. He said they are severely mentally handicapped. He said he's never had a child he delivered with T18 live to leave the hospital. Linda said that she had never had a child make it to team in all the T18 scans she had done. Hub had tears in his eyes and I had to look away.
Then they hmmmed over the scan for a bit, eventually Linda remarked "there, that hand opened, finally!" They explained that T18 babies usually don't open their hands, I remember that I was still concerned because it was only one hand that opened.. and I had been on the table for at least 45 minutes.
Eventually they told me that one hand opened and the baby's femurs were measuring behind. I remember thinking "hub and I are short!" but I don't know that I said anything. India said that scan was relatively good, but the baby was small overall (even for gestational age) so unless we would terminate he wouldn't do an amnio and I could come back the following week for another scan when more might be visible. I started crying
hysterically and through the tears told him we would terminate if this baby had T18. But he
thought I said we wouldn't.
He said there are markers, but nothing glaring, we'll look in again on such-and-such a date. And started on and on about additional scans I'd need since the baby was potentially growth restricted and at high risk for placental abnormalities given the bloods that gave me such high odds. The u/s tech and I kept trying to correct him saying I wanted the amnio today. It took forever to get him on the same page. Hub just held my hand, mute.
We did the amnio, finally. I was terrified of the huge needle. I didn't get any anesthetic and really didn't need any. It felt like a shot to the skin, and nothing was going to help the pain in the uterus as it was punctured. We watched as the needle moved into view on the ultrasound.. Blue Sunday wasn't very active, so was never in any danger. It was probably over in under a minute. I probably nearly broke hub's hand.
After that, I dressed and gathered my things. India told up they would get rapid results on Friday (it was a Tuesday). He told us good luck, and gave me self care instructions.
I felt a bubble of hope, the scan wasn't that bad, but I KNEW it would be positive. I just knew.
I called my parents told them the scan went ok. No, you don't need to come over tonight. Love you too.
Hub and I went to dinner at Friday's. What else were we going to do? I had the sizzling Chicken in cheese- my favorite and a small bud light. My OB and I agreed that one drink rarely isn't a concern (she even gave me the research). If I ever needed a cold BL in pregnancy this was the day.
After dinner we got a cover for the Ipad. Then we went home and pretended like we were normal. We watched TV, I read again. Then we went to bed. I wasn't allowed to clean and I didn't feel like it anyway.
Note from yesterday, real time- My phone didn't ring with bad baby news. I'd say I have gotten to live this pregnancy as a content woman one day longer than last time, but we all know I am not content.
Also, there is a lot of problems right now in my world that aren't baby related. Coming soon, drama. (Not the fun kind)
Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass
Suzanne Vega, Small Blue Thing
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
17w4d- 6am Day After Christmas
At 6am, day after Christmas, I was sleeping actually. Hub and I spent a lazy morning playing the Sims on the iPad and looking up stupid YouTube videos. He had to go to work at 2pm and work until 11 so we left the house a mess from all the Christmas stuff the day before and just hung around- you know what I mean all day in jammies, eating Christmas candy.
Eventually it was time for him to shower so I joined him. While in there my phone rang. I didn't know that at the time, it was down stairs. When I came down from showering I saw the missed call, it was a blocked number. I listened to the message that was left and it was my OB, asking that I call her back.
Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I had always known something was wrong. I waited until hub left for work and called the office back. I was upstairs in my bedroom, looking out over the street as hub drove away. The receptionist answered and I was transferred to the OB right away. I could feel the panic rising.
We exchanged pleasantries and then she reminded me that we had opted to do the combined 1st and 2nd trimester blood screens along with the NT scan to determine chromosomal abnormality risk. She said it was just a screening but that my odds had come back high.
By this point I had sat down on hub's side of the bed and had pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen. She said that the odds for DS were 1 in 200ish (she gave the real number). I remember thinking "That's ok, it's not so bad, we could do DS" We had previously discussed termination for anything fatal or really serious (we didn't define what that included). I was shaking, but thought it would be ok.
Then she said we were 1:5 for T18.
I don't know if she gave the T13 stat. She urged me not to look up T18, said that it was bad, but that we would do a scan and an amnio if I wanted one in the morning. Then we could discuss options if it was positive.
I rushed her off the phone, she said she would call back with an appointment time (she doesn't do amnios, so she needed to talk to one of the other OBs from downstairs). I sat on the bed and cried. Then my phone rang.
It was hub, he had forgotten his new Dunkin Donuts gift card, a present from my parents for Christmas. Could I run it out to him? He'd be home in a few minutes. Sure I said. He knew something was wrong. He must have asked me three times. You ok? Everything fine? I have no idea what he thought happened in the 5 minutes since he had left. In that 5 minutes everything changed.
I met him at the door with the gift card in hand. I had really intended to keep the news in until he was finished with work. One look at him and I broke down.
Somehow I got out the words to tell him everything that happened. He called into work. I googled. Cried some more. This is the first hit when you google Trisomy 18. Read it. Imagine being in that position (if you haven't been, most of my readers actually aren't termination for medical reason moms). I'm a researcher. Reading that T18 occurs in 1:2500 pregnancies but results only in 1:6000 live births set me on edge right away. Just under 1/3 make it to live birth? Bad bad. Then the list of defects, heart, esophagus, severe developmental delays.
I called my parents and they came over; devastated
Eventually the OB called back and scheduled our appointment and potential amnio for the following day.
(The 6am day after Christmas line is from Ben Folds Five Brick. Which you should know, because it is a great song)
Eventually it was time for him to shower so I joined him. While in there my phone rang. I didn't know that at the time, it was down stairs. When I came down from showering I saw the missed call, it was a blocked number. I listened to the message that was left and it was my OB, asking that I call her back.
Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I had always known something was wrong. I waited until hub left for work and called the office back. I was upstairs in my bedroom, looking out over the street as hub drove away. The receptionist answered and I was transferred to the OB right away. I could feel the panic rising.
We exchanged pleasantries and then she reminded me that we had opted to do the combined 1st and 2nd trimester blood screens along with the NT scan to determine chromosomal abnormality risk. She said it was just a screening but that my odds had come back high.
By this point I had sat down on hub's side of the bed and had pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen. She said that the odds for DS were 1 in 200ish (she gave the real number). I remember thinking "That's ok, it's not so bad, we could do DS" We had previously discussed termination for anything fatal or really serious (we didn't define what that included). I was shaking, but thought it would be ok.
Then she said we were 1:5 for T18.
I don't know if she gave the T13 stat. She urged me not to look up T18, said that it was bad, but that we would do a scan and an amnio if I wanted one in the morning. Then we could discuss options if it was positive.
I rushed her off the phone, she said she would call back with an appointment time (she doesn't do amnios, so she needed to talk to one of the other OBs from downstairs). I sat on the bed and cried. Then my phone rang.
It was hub, he had forgotten his new Dunkin Donuts gift card, a present from my parents for Christmas. Could I run it out to him? He'd be home in a few minutes. Sure I said. He knew something was wrong. He must have asked me three times. You ok? Everything fine? I have no idea what he thought happened in the 5 minutes since he had left. In that 5 minutes everything changed.
I met him at the door with the gift card in hand. I had really intended to keep the news in until he was finished with work. One look at him and I broke down.
Somehow I got out the words to tell him everything that happened. He called into work. I googled. Cried some more. This is the first hit when you google Trisomy 18. Read it. Imagine being in that position (if you haven't been, most of my readers actually aren't termination for medical reason moms). I'm a researcher. Reading that T18 occurs in 1:2500 pregnancies but results only in 1:6000 live births set me on edge right away. Just under 1/3 make it to live birth? Bad bad. Then the list of defects, heart, esophagus, severe developmental delays.
I called my parents and they came over; devastated
Eventually the OB called back and scheduled our appointment and potential amnio for the following day.
(The 6am day after Christmas line is from Ben Folds Five Brick. Which you should know, because it is a great song)
Monday, July 29, 2013
17w3d- Then: I Certainly Am
Christmas Day.
As I said in my last post, I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas season. Christmas eve and Christmas day though- those are good days. As always, hub and I got up early and exchanged our own gifts to each other before rushing off to my parents to do their still-lavish Christmas morning exchange. Seriously, they are way over board on Christmas, when I was little and now that my brother and I are fully adults.
I got hub tools he wanted, as I always do, and a few cashmere sweaters because he would never get them for himself, but they were lovely. He got me an iPad, because, like my parents, he goes overboard on Christmas. We spent a lot of the early morning playing with iPad and laughing over our last adult-centric Christmas morning for.. ever.
Over at my parents, My little brother got us a Ninja food processor to make his baby nephew (he insisted) food. How cute is that? He was 23 at the time. Mostly my parents got us non-baby adult gifts (what they were I no longer remember, other than 2 board games which were a blast). I do remember getting a pair of work pants, a shirt, cardigan combo and a Red Sox shirt, all maternity. I wasn't showing yet and all the items were for spring. I loved them.
That Red Sox shirt still has the tags on it, and will until after the scan (2 weeks from today!).
Over at hub's parents, it was all baby. Baby dishes, baby toys, baby books. The sweetest thing was someone dug out hub's favorite baby book to give to us.
I whined over the lack of wine through Christmas "dinner" (lunch) at the in-laws and hung out with my brother and sisters-in-law, who were 15, 16 and 19 at the time. I met them when they were just little kids and it is fun to see them grow up in front of us.
Then back to my parents for dinner at dinner time. Christmas is always game night for my family. My favorite cousin KT came over for a few rounds of whatever games we had gotten for the holiday, a trivia game and a card game I think. More whining, this time over a lack of a frosty bud light.
When we finally got home and into bed that night, I marveled to hub that we finally were done with crazy hectic Christmases and from now on everyone could come to our house for Christmas dinner. Who can take a kid away from their own Christmas?
He sounds like he's missing
something or someone that he knows
he can't have now
and if he isn't I certainly am
Suzanne Vega, In Liverpool
As I said in my last post, I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas season. Christmas eve and Christmas day though- those are good days. As always, hub and I got up early and exchanged our own gifts to each other before rushing off to my parents to do their still-lavish Christmas morning exchange. Seriously, they are way over board on Christmas, when I was little and now that my brother and I are fully adults.
I got hub tools he wanted, as I always do, and a few cashmere sweaters because he would never get them for himself, but they were lovely. He got me an iPad, because, like my parents, he goes overboard on Christmas. We spent a lot of the early morning playing with iPad and laughing over our last adult-centric Christmas morning for.. ever.
Over at my parents, My little brother got us a Ninja food processor to make his baby nephew (he insisted) food. How cute is that? He was 23 at the time. Mostly my parents got us non-baby adult gifts (what they were I no longer remember, other than 2 board games which were a blast). I do remember getting a pair of work pants, a shirt, cardigan combo and a Red Sox shirt, all maternity. I wasn't showing yet and all the items were for spring. I loved them.
That Red Sox shirt still has the tags on it, and will until after the scan (2 weeks from today!).
Over at hub's parents, it was all baby. Baby dishes, baby toys, baby books. The sweetest thing was someone dug out hub's favorite baby book to give to us.
I whined over the lack of wine through Christmas "dinner" (lunch) at the in-laws and hung out with my brother and sisters-in-law, who were 15, 16 and 19 at the time. I met them when they were just little kids and it is fun to see them grow up in front of us.
Then back to my parents for dinner at dinner time. Christmas is always game night for my family. My favorite cousin KT came over for a few rounds of whatever games we had gotten for the holiday, a trivia game and a card game I think. More whining, this time over a lack of a frosty bud light.
When we finally got home and into bed that night, I marveled to hub that we finally were done with crazy hectic Christmases and from now on everyone could come to our house for Christmas dinner. Who can take a kid away from their own Christmas?
He sounds like he's missing
something or someone that he knows
he can't have now
and if he isn't I certainly am
Suzanne Vega, In Liverpool
Sunday, July 28, 2013
17w2d Then
I'm 17w2d today, I was also 17w2d on Christmas Eve 2011. It was the second to last day of peace.
It was a sad Christmas Eve. It was the first one in my entire life we wouldn't be going to my grandmother's to celebrate with my entire family. She had died the March before and a family spat had escalated into an all out war. Some family would be coming over to my house that evening- the second Christmas Eve I had hosted. The year before, hub's first back from Iraq, we had people over after the party at my grandma's broke up, very early thanks to her declining health. This year would be much lower key, still Hub and I were in full clean and prep mode.
I had gone to do the shopping- food and booze- and it took much longer than expected. I came in hevily laden with bags and set them on the steps. The wine bag unfortunately hit on the corner of the step and shattered the bottle of white (at least it wasn't red!) non-alcoholic wine. I was so sad, I wanted that fake wine so badly.
We spent the evening missing grandma and playing games. I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas season- way, way too commercial for my tastes- but Christmas Eve- once the stores are closed and the presents wrapped is wonderful. I love the food, the smells, the tree, the lights, the anticipation of the next day and being with family. I enjoyed the evening.
The talk of the night was how much fun the next year would be.
We hung this ornament.
It was a sad Christmas Eve. It was the first one in my entire life we wouldn't be going to my grandmother's to celebrate with my entire family. She had died the March before and a family spat had escalated into an all out war. Some family would be coming over to my house that evening- the second Christmas Eve I had hosted. The year before, hub's first back from Iraq, we had people over after the party at my grandma's broke up, very early thanks to her declining health. This year would be much lower key, still Hub and I were in full clean and prep mode.
I had gone to do the shopping- food and booze- and it took much longer than expected. I came in hevily laden with bags and set them on the steps. The wine bag unfortunately hit on the corner of the step and shattered the bottle of white (at least it wasn't red!) non-alcoholic wine. I was so sad, I wanted that fake wine so badly.
We spent the evening missing grandma and playing games. I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas season- way, way too commercial for my tastes- but Christmas Eve- once the stores are closed and the presents wrapped is wonderful. I love the food, the smells, the tree, the lights, the anticipation of the next day and being with family. I enjoyed the evening.
The talk of the night was how much fun the next year would be.
We hung this ornament.
We had no clue what was lurking.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Watching Clocks, Watching the Scale
First the news you've all been dying to know: The Duke and Duchess have not stolen my boy baby name. Phew. Actually none of The Little Prince's names are our front runner. Triple phew- HRH has three names after all. So little George Alexander Louis welcome to the world. I can't decide if you're incredibly lucky (an estimated 1billion in inheritance waiting for him) or horribly unfortunate (life in the spotlight, early onset male pattern baldness). Either way, good luck!
Editors Note: As I'm sure you've noticed by now, I am kind of obsessive. The rest of the post is me being obsessive, and 3 pictures. Feel free to just look at pictures and leave. Unless you have a time-speeder-upper I can borrow... or advice on weight loss in pregnancy. Then, you should read why i want those things.
Every day is so excruciating. I feel like the day for our scan is getting further away rather than closer. Tick tick tick. It's all I think about. I'm kind of obsessed with thinking about the scan. For BLM crazy reasons like getting the final word on avoiding a second TFMR and normal ones like wanting hub to finally see the baby. How are there STILL 19 days to go?
I think the wait is just to long for me. This is a common 'problem' for me when Hub was deployed people would ask me "How do you do it" 'it' was get through every month, week, day and hour without having a breakdown. The answer was really easy for me "you can't live with the heightened fear for a year". As it turns out you can't do it for 5 months either. I'm starting to let my mind wander into normal things like baby clothes, and what do you actually DO with a baby? I have no idea. This is brought on by my rapidly expanding belly. I mean rapidly. Look:
And so you all don't think I'm a mutant, here is a picture I LIKE of myself:
All my efforts thus far have been to make a baby and keep a baby. Apparently like making a baby, there are various methods:
You can be an attachment parent- which kind of sounds like what I think of as just plain parenting- holding baby, rocking them when they can't sleep, snuggling them up. But people get wacky about it and have lotus births (which sounds like the WORST THING EVER to me) and the kid never sits in a stroller.
You can free-range parent- which means letting them spread their wings and don't hover (good) but not have rules (what?!). I think these are the people who send kids to Montessori schools or shudder un-school. I like rules, those things aren't for me (but that's cool if they re your thing!)
You can also sleep train your baby- which keeps being posed as in opposition to attachment parenting and free range parenting rules- but they are opposites of each other, why are we making triangles? I like sleep, babies like sleep. Training them to sleep seems like a really good idea, no? I also can't wait to snuggle up a baby, but we don't have to do that at bedtime. I'm so confused.. 3 more weeks and I can be looking into this... I can't actually assume there will be a baby in this house in just over 5 months... gulp.... until after that scan. That I KEEP thinking about.
So we wait.
And speaking of Weight.. I can't stop watching the scale. It just won't move. Clearly I'm gaining a belly, I think my arms might be smaller, so that explains some of it I guess. I thought I gained 2 pounds earlier in the week... but then I came to the sad realization that it was constipation by-product and when that issue resolved I was one less pound than I was almost 7 weeks ago, when the first picture was taken. I've been told it's fine. I'm not exactly slim, by which I mean I am technically overweight so I only need to gain between 15-25 pounds according to the books. Worse than that, my mid-wife wants me to aim for 25-35 pounds (I'm not that overweight). 25-35 pounds in 23 weeks. eek. I need to average MORE THAN a pound a week. OK lady, right now I'm aiming for ONE. Hub and I agree that gaining for the sake of the scale is foolish. I don't want or need to pound a 2 liter of Pepsi and a bag of Doritos just to put on weight, I like eating healthy, real food. From actual farms and I have yet to see a Dorito tree (though wouldn't that be wonderful...). I acknowledge that I was very unhealthy before I became pregnant- I was in mourning and my eating habits reflected that. Now that I am (wait for it) happy (but cautiously happy) I don't need to fill up on sugar and empty carbs.
My one IRL friend who reads this blog (HI!) has been pregnant, and she also adjusted her intake to much healthier levels in pregnancy. I'm going to e-mail her and see what her gain/loss was like. Her little girl is healthy and beautiful, so she did something right.
Sometimes I get to writing and forget how baby loss colors everything in the post-loss pregnancy. Even something stupid like the weight loss is related to it. Had we not lost Blue Sunday, I would have been 15 pounds lighter at the start and a much healthier eater in general. I would have made a Facebook announcement- which I plan to do this time after the baby arrives- and I would be happily stocking up on baby clothes. I didn't do the latter last time, but I always felt unsure about that pregnancy and Christmas gave me a good reason to hold off. Even then, shopping would have started at 19 weeks. So so close to where I am now.
Editors Note: As I'm sure you've noticed by now, I am kind of obsessive. The rest of the post is me being obsessive, and 3 pictures. Feel free to just look at pictures and leave. Unless you have a time-speeder-upper I can borrow... or advice on weight loss in pregnancy. Then, you should read why i want those things.
Every day is so excruciating. I feel like the day for our scan is getting further away rather than closer. Tick tick tick. It's all I think about. I'm kind of obsessed with thinking about the scan. For BLM crazy reasons like getting the final word on avoiding a second TFMR and normal ones like wanting hub to finally see the baby. How are there STILL 19 days to go?
I think the wait is just to long for me. This is a common 'problem' for me when Hub was deployed people would ask me "How do you do it" 'it' was get through every month, week, day and hour without having a breakdown. The answer was really easy for me "you can't live with the heightened fear for a year". As it turns out you can't do it for 5 months either. I'm starting to let my mind wander into normal things like baby clothes, and what do you actually DO with a baby? I have no idea. This is brought on by my rapidly expanding belly. I mean rapidly. Look:
 |
| 10 weeks- ignore my lip |
 |
| 16 weeks- ignore my face |
And so you all don't think I'm a mutant, here is a picture I LIKE of myself:
 |
| 16w5d |
All my efforts thus far have been to make a baby and keep a baby. Apparently like making a baby, there are various methods:
You can be an attachment parent- which kind of sounds like what I think of as just plain parenting- holding baby, rocking them when they can't sleep, snuggling them up. But people get wacky about it and have lotus births (which sounds like the WORST THING EVER to me) and the kid never sits in a stroller.
You can free-range parent- which means letting them spread their wings and don't hover (good) but not have rules (what?!). I think these are the people who send kids to Montessori schools or shudder un-school. I like rules, those things aren't for me (but that's cool if they re your thing!)
You can also sleep train your baby- which keeps being posed as in opposition to attachment parenting and free range parenting rules- but they are opposites of each other, why are we making triangles? I like sleep, babies like sleep. Training them to sleep seems like a really good idea, no? I also can't wait to snuggle up a baby, but we don't have to do that at bedtime. I'm so confused.. 3 more weeks and I can be looking into this... I can't actually assume there will be a baby in this house in just over 5 months... gulp.... until after that scan. That I KEEP thinking about.
So we wait.
And speaking of Weight.. I can't stop watching the scale. It just won't move. Clearly I'm gaining a belly, I think my arms might be smaller, so that explains some of it I guess. I thought I gained 2 pounds earlier in the week... but then I came to the sad realization that it was constipation by-product and when that issue resolved I was one less pound than I was almost 7 weeks ago, when the first picture was taken. I've been told it's fine. I'm not exactly slim, by which I mean I am technically overweight so I only need to gain between 15-25 pounds according to the books. Worse than that, my mid-wife wants me to aim for 25-35 pounds (I'm not that overweight). 25-35 pounds in 23 weeks. eek. I need to average MORE THAN a pound a week. OK lady, right now I'm aiming for ONE. Hub and I agree that gaining for the sake of the scale is foolish. I don't want or need to pound a 2 liter of Pepsi and a bag of Doritos just to put on weight, I like eating healthy, real food. From actual farms and I have yet to see a Dorito tree (though wouldn't that be wonderful...). I acknowledge that I was very unhealthy before I became pregnant- I was in mourning and my eating habits reflected that. Now that I am (wait for it) happy (but cautiously happy) I don't need to fill up on sugar and empty carbs.
My one IRL friend who reads this blog (HI!) has been pregnant, and she also adjusted her intake to much healthier levels in pregnancy. I'm going to e-mail her and see what her gain/loss was like. Her little girl is healthy and beautiful, so she did something right.
Sometimes I get to writing and forget how baby loss colors everything in the post-loss pregnancy. Even something stupid like the weight loss is related to it. Had we not lost Blue Sunday, I would have been 15 pounds lighter at the start and a much healthier eater in general. I would have made a Facebook announcement- which I plan to do this time after the baby arrives- and I would be happily stocking up on baby clothes. I didn't do the latter last time, but I always felt unsure about that pregnancy and Christmas gave me a good reason to hold off. Even then, shopping would have started at 19 weeks. So so close to where I am now.
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
Duncan Shiek, Barely Breathing
Monday, July 22, 2013
Baby Boom
Really, it's not a Baby Boom, it's a baby bang, or may be a baby crash- something less than a boom. There is one new baby born into my world and the new Prince of England.
First the baby I know: Welcome to the world Maggie! My college friend and his wife welcomed a baby girl on the day of my other friend's wedding. He, a computer/ numbers geek if you ever met one, was hoping for an all-prime birthday of 7/11/13, but she was born on the 12th. A truly beautiful baby. I am happy for them, really. I got the text message that they were on the way to L&D at 630am and I responded right away, when I got the "It's a girl!" Text the next day at 5am, I answered again.
Was it hard?
Yes, I'm not going to lie. Being pregnant doesn't replace the pain of losing Blue Sunday or of IF (or, at least, not always. I have been thinking about posting on this topic. Stay tuned). I am still unsure of what will happen with this pregnancy. I might feel better after the 19 week scan, I might not feel better until when / if this baby is born. There are also petty hurts. I should have been the first one in this group to have kids (well the second, but that's a whole different story). I was planning on a baby named Maggie (though not this one). Can I still use the name? Of course. Does birth order in a friend group really matter? No. I know these things and I am still sad and jealous.
And now, just a bit over a week later the Royal Baby has made his big entrance. The pomp and circumstance that will follow this child around for his entire life has begun. I don't want to be Kate Middleton, not even a little bit, but I am jealous that she is "in Hospital" (to be British about it) welcoming her son. I am jealous she has presumably made it through the land mines of pregnancy- loss, chromosomal or structural issues- and still has the world on a string. She has to deal with cameras, internet rumors, and needing to look picture perfect every day- I don't envy that. But I do envy the apparent ease with which she conceived.
Now Let's just hope this baby isn't Prince "Hey-That's-The-Name-We're-Using". I don't want to jump on the royal band-wagon should I also bear a son.
First the baby I know: Welcome to the world Maggie! My college friend and his wife welcomed a baby girl on the day of my other friend's wedding. He, a computer/ numbers geek if you ever met one, was hoping for an all-prime birthday of 7/11/13, but she was born on the 12th. A truly beautiful baby. I am happy for them, really. I got the text message that they were on the way to L&D at 630am and I responded right away, when I got the "It's a girl!" Text the next day at 5am, I answered again.
Was it hard?
Yes, I'm not going to lie. Being pregnant doesn't replace the pain of losing Blue Sunday or of IF (or, at least, not always. I have been thinking about posting on this topic. Stay tuned). I am still unsure of what will happen with this pregnancy. I might feel better after the 19 week scan, I might not feel better until when / if this baby is born. There are also petty hurts. I should have been the first one in this group to have kids (well the second, but that's a whole different story). I was planning on a baby named Maggie (though not this one). Can I still use the name? Of course. Does birth order in a friend group really matter? No. I know these things and I am still sad and jealous.
And now, just a bit over a week later the Royal Baby has made his big entrance. The pomp and circumstance that will follow this child around for his entire life has begun. I don't want to be Kate Middleton, not even a little bit, but I am jealous that she is "in Hospital" (to be British about it) welcoming her son. I am jealous she has presumably made it through the land mines of pregnancy- loss, chromosomal or structural issues- and still has the world on a string. She has to deal with cameras, internet rumors, and needing to look picture perfect every day- I don't envy that. But I do envy the apparent ease with which she conceived.
Now Let's just hope this baby isn't Prince "Hey-That's-The-Name-We're-Using". I don't want to jump on the royal band-wagon should I also bear a son.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Bi-monthly update: Week 16
Bi-monthly update:
How far along: 16 weeks and one day.
Baby is the size of an: Avocado,
according to the baby books. Haven't seen Take Two in a while, so can't give a real life example.
Total weight gain: None.
I'd lost 7 pounds in the first trimester. And was holding steady for 5 weeks or so. The week I've lost another pound. Not sure what's going on with that.
Maternity clothes: In pants, yes. Maternity
tops are very much on the horizon. My slimmer-fitting work shirts are getting snug around the middle.
Stretch marks: Not yet, I assume they are coming, since I am NOT following the slow and steady gain guideline.
Sleep: Sleeping well until last night when I was really sick. I am thinking food didn't sit well more than usually pregnancy sickness.
Best moment of this week: Hitting 16 weeks! I had this in my head as a milestone I could be less awkward about my rapidly growing middle.
Miss anything: Beer, wine, liqueur.... and feeling normal. I just feel very unlike myself. Migraines, tailbone pain, food intolerance.
Movement: I think I've felt Take Two a time or two. Once at the wedding, a few times driving to and from work. I think when I am quite and in tune with my body I can pick up on baby.
Food cravings: Back to hating food, unfortunately.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chili's apparently, and random other things.
Have you started to show yet: Yes, no denying it now. People at work comment whenever on Ray and I (my friend who found herself accidentally pregnant and is due in October) are standing together. I got lots of comments and belly rubs at Africa's wedding and I get looks on the street.
Sex: Don't know and not finding out. We already turned down the first opportunity to find out the sex and will continue to do so.
Labor signs: Not until at least 37 weeks please.
Belly button in or out: In, but I admit to measuring it's depth with my pinky finger. It is deep, but not as deep as it was a few weeks ago.
Wedding rings on or off: On, I really hope they remain so.
Happy or moody most of the time: I'm happy, and getting less and less nervous. (Touch wood)
Looking forward to: Anatomy scan on the 12th of August.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Updates from a Reticient Blogger
Hi blog world. I've been quite lately. I could make excuses like:
1) I'm back in school (second to last class!) and spend all of my free time reading medical papers
2) The FDA has made a (routine) visit to my place of employment and that is making our workload INSANE
3) Hub was/is doing his military duty last week and this week, so home is lonely and I try not to spend time there
4) My best friend's little sister got married on Friday
But all this, though true, isn't the reason I've been quite. I think it's because I don't quite know where this is going yet. I'm showing, my belly was a big hit at the wedding. Most people there know about Blue Sunday, since this is a family that I know like my own and the groom is from Africa and his family wasn't in attendance. Everyone was so excited when I told them that there was no repeat of the chromosomal problem from the first pregnancy (I have to be a bit sensitive, the cousin of the bride has DS, and though that wasn't our issue, I could see how the judgy vibe might crop up). People think that it means we're having a baby in January.
I haven't reached that conclusion yet.
We're just under 2 weeks from our diagnosis date, and 3 weeks and 1 day from our termination date, gestational age wise. I LOOK more pregnant, I FEEL more pregnant, but I can't be sure that I will be having a baby until- who am I kidding? until he or she is here- but at least until after our anatomy scan. Which isn't until August 12th at 19weeks 3 days. AFTER our milestones.
How can I be sure that this is different?
How can I celebrate on passing those days when I don't know that this baby has, say, a closed neural tube?
At my last appointment we set up this scan and my blood test for the quad screen. She mentioned NTDs and how I was low risk. She urged me not to worry about it.
For Realz?
At 28, when I would have delivered Blue Sunday, my odds for T18 were 1:3,357.
Odds of an NTD?
Believed to be about 1;1,000 in the US (age isn't a significant factor)
These are the things I think, research and obsess over.
I wonder also of what Pregnant work friend thinks and feels? And Pregnant friend of Africa, what does she worry about? Both are deep into their first pregnancies, due in October 10 days apart, both expecting healthy baby girls. They think I'm crazy for worrying so much, I think they are crazy for not worrying.
Work friend mentioned this to me when she was about 18 weeks along and I was 6 weeks in. My response was "Honestly, how could I not. I was as pregnant as you are now when things went from fine to not fine, how after that could I be calm?"
Not nice, but neither are "you need to be calm for your baby". I CAN'T BE.
Anyway, here I am a few days ago, at 14 weeks 6 days- leaving work and then heading to the rehersal for Africa's wedding.
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right - right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
R.E.M.- It's The End of the World
1) I'm back in school (second to last class!) and spend all of my free time reading medical papers
2) The FDA has made a (routine) visit to my place of employment and that is making our workload INSANE
3) Hub was/is doing his military duty last week and this week, so home is lonely and I try not to spend time there
4) My best friend's little sister got married on Friday
But all this, though true, isn't the reason I've been quite. I think it's because I don't quite know where this is going yet. I'm showing, my belly was a big hit at the wedding. Most people there know about Blue Sunday, since this is a family that I know like my own and the groom is from Africa and his family wasn't in attendance. Everyone was so excited when I told them that there was no repeat of the chromosomal problem from the first pregnancy (I have to be a bit sensitive, the cousin of the bride has DS, and though that wasn't our issue, I could see how the judgy vibe might crop up). People think that it means we're having a baby in January.
I haven't reached that conclusion yet.
We're just under 2 weeks from our diagnosis date, and 3 weeks and 1 day from our termination date, gestational age wise. I LOOK more pregnant, I FEEL more pregnant, but I can't be sure that I will be having a baby until- who am I kidding? until he or she is here- but at least until after our anatomy scan. Which isn't until August 12th at 19weeks 3 days. AFTER our milestones.
How can I be sure that this is different?
How can I celebrate on passing those days when I don't know that this baby has, say, a closed neural tube?
At my last appointment we set up this scan and my blood test for the quad screen. She mentioned NTDs and how I was low risk. She urged me not to worry about it.
For Realz?
At 28, when I would have delivered Blue Sunday, my odds for T18 were 1:3,357.
Odds of an NTD?
Believed to be about 1;1,000 in the US (age isn't a significant factor)
These are the things I think, research and obsess over.
I wonder also of what Pregnant work friend thinks and feels? And Pregnant friend of Africa, what does she worry about? Both are deep into their first pregnancies, due in October 10 days apart, both expecting healthy baby girls. They think I'm crazy for worrying so much, I think they are crazy for not worrying.
Work friend mentioned this to me when she was about 18 weeks along and I was 6 weeks in. My response was "Honestly, how could I not. I was as pregnant as you are now when things went from fine to not fine, how after that could I be calm?"
Not nice, but neither are "you need to be calm for your baby". I CAN'T BE.
Anyway, here I am a few days ago, at 14 weeks 6 days- leaving work and then heading to the rehersal for Africa's wedding.
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right - right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
R.E.M.- It's The End of the World
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Realization
I have been sad for a long time.
How long I don't know.
Hub is away for two weeks, as he is every summer, that makes me sadder.
Somedays I realize I'm not doing so well at functioning. I get dressed, go to work and eat as well as I can. All that is fine. But I can't seem to do anything else. I need to do homework and am instead reading a book that is only adding to my depression. I need groceries, but stopping at the store seems draining. I need to get my nails done for a wedding I'm going to/ doing a reading for on Friday, but that was far too much.
I have a migraine... But this isn't for making excuses.
Anyway, I was reading this book and I just started crying.
I realized why I'm sad.
A character in the book is pregnant but considering an abortion. Her mom committed suicide when the character was very young. Her friend, also a mom, killed herself and now the character is taking care of her daughter.
The character is asking herself how her mom and her friend could have given up on their kids and left them, realizing that she is being a hypocrite as she considers an abortion.
I feel like that character. Not that I'm considering an abortion, of course not that, but that having a child doesn't feel to me like what happens with pregnancy. I don't feel like I'm on that path.
I still feel like something will go wrong. I can't imagine really becoming a mother.
Every time I really face it, like at my appointment today, I need a break from the world.
Every day further I get is that much more I'll have to undo when the time comes.
How long I don't know.
Hub is away for two weeks, as he is every summer, that makes me sadder.
Somedays I realize I'm not doing so well at functioning. I get dressed, go to work and eat as well as I can. All that is fine. But I can't seem to do anything else. I need to do homework and am instead reading a book that is only adding to my depression. I need groceries, but stopping at the store seems draining. I need to get my nails done for a wedding I'm going to/ doing a reading for on Friday, but that was far too much.
I have a migraine... But this isn't for making excuses.
Anyway, I was reading this book and I just started crying.
I realized why I'm sad.
A character in the book is pregnant but considering an abortion. Her mom committed suicide when the character was very young. Her friend, also a mom, killed herself and now the character is taking care of her daughter.
The character is asking herself how her mom and her friend could have given up on their kids and left them, realizing that she is being a hypocrite as she considers an abortion.
I feel like that character. Not that I'm considering an abortion, of course not that, but that having a child doesn't feel to me like what happens with pregnancy. I don't feel like I'm on that path.
I still feel like something will go wrong. I can't imagine really becoming a mother.
Every time I really face it, like at my appointment today, I need a break from the world.
Every day further I get is that much more I'll have to undo when the time comes.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
14 Week Update
I think I'm going to do an official pregnancy update every 2 weeks or so. If you're pregnancy sensitive, please feel free to skip. The usual repertoire of baby loss angst and pregnancy fears will be here otherwise, but once in a while I just want to be a regular regnant lady.
How far along: 14 weeks and one day.
Baby is the size of a: Lemon, according to the baby books. Baby was 6.2cm (just under 2.5 inches) at my appointment about a week and a half ago. This week the baby should be about 3.5 inches. Growing so quickly!
Total weight gain: None. I lost between 7 and 11 pounds in the first trimester. (The 11 pound weight-loss was only seen once, I think it was just an off day on the scale, -7 was pretty consistent, so I'm using the bench mark). Since then, no gain, no loss. Been holding steady for 3 weeks or so.
Maternity clothes: In pants, yes. Maternity tops aren't necessary, but my tighter pre-pregnancy work tops are in the back of the closet for the duration of pregnancy and recovery. I have been wearing maternity dresses mostly for comfort and coolness. It is H-O-T here.
Stretch marks: No, fingers crossed it stays that way (but I'm not holding my breath)
Sleep: Sleeping well, and need less than in the first trimester, which is nice.
Best moment of this week: Finally eating like a normal human- I only threw up one this week! (But it was yesterday :( )
Miss anything: Beer, wine, liqueur..... I just gave away a really good bottle of champagne since I knew I wouldn't be drinking it for ages.
Movement: Not yet, but I'm anticipating a little something sooner rather than later.
Food cravings: Not really, though I eat A LOT of cheese.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really, it's just kind of random waves of sickness on occasion.
Have you started to show yet: Yes, hub, my close friends and I can certainly notice. My boss told me I looked pregnant the other day!
Sex: Don't know and not finding out. We already turned down the first opportunity to find out the sex and will continue to do so.
Labor signs: Not until at least 37 weeks please.
Belly button in or out: In,but I admit to measuring it's depth with my pinky finger. It is deep, but not as deep as it was a few weeks ago.
Wedding rings on or off: On, I really hope they remain so.
Happy or moody most of the time: I'm happy, and getting less and less nervous. (Touch wood)
Looking forward to: Appointment on Tuesday, hopefully we'll schedule the anatomy scan then and I can begin the countdown to that milestone!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Feelin' Way Too Damn Good
13 weeks 4 days.
Second Trimester.
Gulp.
I know that this is when most people have a sigh of relief and start to get used to the idea of actually having a baby, it they haven't already. By the end of this trimester, the baby has a shot of survival if born early. For me, the second trimester was The End. I am a ball of nerves. When I think about it that is.
It actually took me a bit to realize that today is day one of the second tri (I like to go with every 13w 3d is a new trimester- getting pregnancy to 39w6d). I can't believe so much time has past. There was a big part of me that assumed that I would have a miscarriage. I think that after having gone through so much loss, struggle and worry that that would be the result. Call me a pessimist.
I am mostly feeling good, really good. I never felt confident with Blue Sunday, I though it was first time fears, but I think I knew, or that Blue Sunday was trying to prepare me. This time, I feel confident that I will have a baby at the end of it. The times I do have a freak out it's when I'm thinking about time and dates.
I am 13 weeks 4 days, I was 17 weeks 4 days when I got the news last time. That means I'm only a month away from that milestone day. I can't believe it is getting so close. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel on that day, or at 19 weeks 6 days, the day we let Blue Sunday go.
A lot of it is the freaky, eerie coincidence of being due on Blue Sunday's death date. 2 years to the day, I am estimated to give birth to Blue Sunday's Little. 1/4/12 to 1/4/14. I can't get Blue Sunday out of my head with that fact weighing down on me. That means that whole time is a minefield.
Christmas day- the last happy day
Boxing Day- day of the odds
December 27th- day of the amnio
December 29- results.
The worst New Year's ever December 31st and January 1st.
January 2nd- The longest day
January 3rd - the beginning of the end
and finally
January 4th- The End.
I was saying to hub on our VERY wet and rainy trip that I would really like Take Two born before Christmas. Not just because I long to dress a teeny tiny baby up in "My First Christmas" gear, but because I want this baby to have their own time, and to soften Blue Sunday's time. Is that selfish?
I know it doesn't matter IF Take Two comes, it will be on his or her own time.
I just would like to prep myself.
Cause something's gotta go wrong,
Cause I'm feelin' way too damn good
Nickelback, Feelin' Way Too Damn Good
Second Trimester.
Gulp.
I know that this is when most people have a sigh of relief and start to get used to the idea of actually having a baby, it they haven't already. By the end of this trimester, the baby has a shot of survival if born early. For me, the second trimester was The End. I am a ball of nerves. When I think about it that is.
It actually took me a bit to realize that today is day one of the second tri (I like to go with every 13w 3d is a new trimester- getting pregnancy to 39w6d). I can't believe so much time has past. There was a big part of me that assumed that I would have a miscarriage. I think that after having gone through so much loss, struggle and worry that that would be the result. Call me a pessimist.
I am mostly feeling good, really good. I never felt confident with Blue Sunday, I though it was first time fears, but I think I knew, or that Blue Sunday was trying to prepare me. This time, I feel confident that I will have a baby at the end of it. The times I do have a freak out it's when I'm thinking about time and dates.
I am 13 weeks 4 days, I was 17 weeks 4 days when I got the news last time. That means I'm only a month away from that milestone day. I can't believe it is getting so close. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel on that day, or at 19 weeks 6 days, the day we let Blue Sunday go.
A lot of it is the freaky, eerie coincidence of being due on Blue Sunday's death date. 2 years to the day, I am estimated to give birth to Blue Sunday's Little. 1/4/12 to 1/4/14. I can't get Blue Sunday out of my head with that fact weighing down on me. That means that whole time is a minefield.
Christmas day- the last happy day
Boxing Day- day of the odds
December 27th- day of the amnio
December 29- results.
The worst New Year's ever December 31st and January 1st.
January 2nd- The longest day
January 3rd - the beginning of the end
and finally
January 4th- The End.
I was saying to hub on our VERY wet and rainy trip that I would really like Take Two born before Christmas. Not just because I long to dress a teeny tiny baby up in "My First Christmas" gear, but because I want this baby to have their own time, and to soften Blue Sunday's time. Is that selfish?
I know it doesn't matter IF Take Two comes, it will be on his or her own time.
I just would like to prep myself.
Cause something's gotta go wrong,
Cause I'm feelin' way too damn good
Nickelback, Feelin' Way Too Damn Good