IVF #1 D22- You Are My Only One

I am so very upset.

There was a real mess of a day yesterday. I waited all day for my post-biopsy call and nothing came. I can’t emphasize enough how hard of a day it was. I slept about 3 hours the night before. Throughout the day, I hardly ate and couldn’t concentrate. It was a horrible day and I cried on the way home. All to be still waiting for a call as the clock ticked past 5.

At 5 past 5 I e-mailed the nurse in desperation. She called me back right away and said that the doctor was still likely going to call me, but that she would give me the results anyway. There was one blast biopsied and frozen. Nothing else made it.

One.

We spent $5000, did 14 days of injections, surgery, worrying for One blast. Something that I have created with only femera TWICE in the past 5 months (2 chemicals book-ending my 5 treated cycles), and 3 times in 6 treated cycles. Granted only Liam turned into a baby- but statistically speaking at this point I only have a 32% chance- 65% chance Our Only One is genetically normal (odds for 35 is 35% abnormal, 30 is 30% but I went worst case for the range- given my history I think that’s fair). Odds of success is 50-70% for PGS normal single embryo transfer. Again, I took the worst case.

Best case is 49%. But everything has gone dismally, why would I build myself up? I had the lowest end of expected eggs retrieved (10, range was 10-20). Then only 60% were mature. They said 60-80% should fertilize. We had 66% (4). Then they told me that the 4 growing on day 2 were beautiful, couldn’t be better and that we would likely see most or all make it to blast. And now there is one. So forgive me when I wanted to tell the nurse who told me “I know you might be disappointed, but you shouldn’t be. This is a beautiful, perfect blast. Really, really good. I told 2 women today that they are pregnant from cycles with just one blast”.

I get her thinking, I really do. But forgive me when I (want to) say: Shut Up.

After the reassurances of how early it was when there were so few follicles, the report of “4-8” follicles there were FOUR, the assurance that 4 growing at (end of) day 2 is awesome, that they would make it. And NONE of it being true for me. I just can’t let myself believe that this will work out.

I know that there are some who don’t get a blast, and I know I haven’t received an abnormal result or a negative test (yet?). I get that in a year I could be marveling over a perfect baby and thinking “How could I have been so upset that we made YOU” but the reality is, this cycle is either a total bust- a waste of time, money and hope OR I have lost yet another number in the family I always dreamed of.

In some ways this is the worst case situation. I would rather just cycle again this cycle, so Aug/Sep. Now we have to wait for genetic results {(10 days for results, then the wait for an appointment (another 8 days after they are due in)} If it is abnormal, we can cycle again next month (Sept/Oct). At least then we can continue to hope for some to freeze.

If it is normal, we’ll do the transfer- lose all the $5000 for the testing and have a low chance of success overall. If we transfer and fail the next time we could cycle is November. So far away. We really did this in the hopes of speeding up our time to conception and having some in the freezer for number three. Our RE thought we would be pregnant within 6 more cycles of when we stopped for IVF- that would have been December. If this one turns into a pregnancy and healthy delivery it likely means we will be done TTC. I don’t want to wean early to pursue treatments and this dismal result means I don’t see the worth in TTC at 34. Blue Sunday’s diagnosis (at 28) and the time to conceive after forced me out of the 4 I wanted. Now I’m losing my hope of 3, too. I would love to have results be normal and cycle again before transfer, but that would mean paying out of pocket for IVF. Not happening.

I never sent in the form to sign up for the rapid batching, so if the embryo is abnormal and we choose to PGS again, we have to pay the whole PGS again (less 500$ refund for having so few to test this time).  I can tell you now, I don’t want to test again. We had the money, but I feel like it was thrown away (because it was one embryo) if there were more, I wouldn’t feel so bad. I can’t predict if I’ll respond better in the future, but I won’t be testing next go-round based on this cycle’s numbers.

So as you can tell from the mess that this post is, my thoughts are spinning, my heart is hurting and I don’t see how I’m going to make it to the 18^th before hearing results. I STILL haven’t heard from my MD and that really is upsetting me. I think I am going to e-mail tomorrow morning if I don’t hear from him today and ask to speak with him. At least so I can tell him I want the PGS results when they come in and not 8 days later. 

You are my only one, you are my only one. 

Don't be leaving me now 

Now you're my only one.

James Taylor, Only One

SPOILER:
I feel obligated to annotate this that this one blast I was brokenhearted about is my perfect, gorgeous daughter.