10 weeks: Looking Back

Comparing 10 weeks at all 3 pregnancies (I explained why here). Just read the green highlights for this time. 

Commentary:

11/3/11-So excited! Double digit weeks down :)

This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how quickly that went by. I guess I didn't even know I was pregnant until 6 weeks and 3 days ago. We found out on September 19th (though I knew on September 18th, I just didn't test). Chris find 1/4 thought "scary". Not exactly the adjective I was going for. Hopefully he'll get use to the idea of being daddy soon!

6/7/13- So excited! Double digit weeks down :)

This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how long this is taking or how stressed I am. And to think, I've only suspected I was pregnant for 6 weeks 4 days. I suspected on April 22nd. Chris is so, so excited to be 1/4 of the way through. He really can't wait for this baby to be deemed healthy and born into our lives.

2/26/16- How, how am I 10 weeks?! I guess time speeds up when you have a little one already at home. I can only focus on this pregnancy in my downtime- which is rare.

How far along?  

11/3/11- 10 weeks today!

6/7/13- Ditto

2/26/16- Trippo

Total weight gain/loss:

11/3/11-Last check was -10, I may be up a few again now that I can eat!!

6/7/13- No Change

2/26/16- --9, as of this morning. IVF weight, don’t get nervous- also I usually can’t eat.

Maternity clothes?

11/3/11-Not on me, but I did buy a few. Hey! There was a good sale :)

6/7/13- Ditto

2/26/16- Well this is a big change. I’ve grown much more quickly this go-round. I feel like it is so obvious, though no one has said anything to me outside of family.  Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror, try and suck it in, and realize I cannot even though I lost nearly double digit pounds. Most bottoms don’t fit. The other day I wore open pants and a blanket poncho shirt thing to work. Today a dress and maternity leggings. I am hoping to get to the NT scan just under 2 weeks from now before being obvious about it at work. 6 more work days, bring on the ponchos!

Sleep:

11/3/11-Sooooo tired. I had to miss class on Tuesday because of exhaustion. I have crazy dreams when I do get to sleep.

6/7/13-  Super tired. I go to bed at 9:15

2/26/16- I didn’t know what tired was. Shut up past Lizzy. Between kins, work, house upkeep and the nausea pills I’m bone tired.

Best moment this week:

11/3/11-Telling a few more of our friends on Saturday.

 6/7/13- I found the heartbeat on doppler on Tuesday! That was really exciting. My OB says this increases our chance of taking home a baby to 95%. I can't get that 5% out of my head.

2/26/16- Much like with kins, I found the heartbeat on Doppler on Saturday- 9w1d!

Have you told family and friends:

11/3/11- The rest of the family will be told after Monday's ultrasound.(Editor's note- this is the line that made me the saddest. That scan SUCKED, more so in retrospect. NT of 2.9/3.5 depending on who measured)

6/7/13- Almost everyone knows at this point. We tell, since we're really open people, and like drinking alcohol.

2/26/2016- Most close friends and our families know. Work and less-close friends do not- also, anyone we haven’t seen. We don’t plan on a facebook announcement (didn’t last time either).

Movement:

11/3/11- Not that I can feel. I'll check that the bugger can move it move it on Monday

6/7/13- I saw the baby moving on the u/s last week, so I know it is capable. I'm actually excited about this, I felt movement early with Blue Sunday- about 16 weeks- and he was a very non-active baby.

2/26/16- It seemed like baby was moving when I listened on Doppler- but I don’t think I’ll feel it for several more weeks.

Food cravings:

11/3/11-No, but I DO feel like eating again. Yay!!!!

6/7/13- No, I eat when and what I can. The sickness returned with a vengeance after a week or two reprieve last time, so I'm just getting in what I can.

2/26/16- Please don’t make me. I am on the digleics, which make some food possible. Today I’ve had 1/3 of a bagel and it’s almost 3pm.

Anything making you queasy or sick:

11/3/11- Toothpaste. Otherwise I'm improving.

6/7/13-All meat :(

2/26/16- Eve .Ry. Thing.

Have you started to show yet:

11/3/11- I just look bloated, same as last week. I am getting hard just over my pubic bone :)

6/7/13-This is a major difference actually, my uterus is already up about a half-an-inch below my belly button. I can see and feel a bump, but with my extra weight since last time and the small enlargement- only hub and I can tell.

2/26/16- I can tell! I feel other people can too, but no one has said except my parents and hub.

Gender prediction?

11/3/11-Still feeling boy.

6/7/13- Thinking pink!!

2/26/16- I didn’t peak in the envelope, so we don’t know. I’ve handed it over to my midwife, so opportunity is lost. We want to be surprised. At this point, I have no idea. Last time, I thought kins was a girl until 16 or 18 weeks. Then I settled on boy and stayed there.

Happy or Moody most of the time:

11/3/11- I am happy, but I cry randomly. I had a case of road rage Friday. This guy on a stupid headset was trying to take a left across a lane of traffic. He went through the light after the turn arrow had shut off, and blocked my lane of traffic. I was the first car. So I angled my car in front of him and drove until there was no room. He gives me this finger wag "no, no, no" thing and I BLEW UP. I was miming You (pointing at him) suck (hand job, mouth movement) at driving (miming driving) . Then I yelled I hope he died, reconsidered and said someone you love, felt that was still to mean and said I hope your pet died. Then changed that to fish.. Ending with "I hope your favorite fish dies". Then I cried. Awesome.

6/7/13- As my dad would say: I am "nowheres-near" as emotional as I was last time. I am however, scared witless.

2/26/16- I’m a raging jerk. Horrible. Angry and short. I think it’s hunger/nausea and exhaustion. 

2/26/16

Baby is the size of a: Green olive/ grape Cute!

Miss anything: Food. Especially the C word (chicken gag gag)

Looking forward to: NT scan on the 9^th (far off goal!), but I leave today for my cousin’s bachelorette party in New Hampshire. So that will be fun! I haven’t been away from kins since the wedding in September!

Love and Grieving #microbloggingMonday

Today is the first birthday of the little boy, Flynn, who died this past summer.

I can't claim to know the pain of losing a child you've held in your arms, though I do know the pain of losing one you held in your heart. My fear was that my Blue Sunday would be forgotten, that that life would be meaningless. I've allowed that loss to change the way I interact with others. I try to be a kinder person- you never know how long you have- or those who surround you.

Flynn was a beautiful child, and had he gotten the opportunity, he would have been spreading love and kindness all on his own. Since he didn't get that chance for nearly long enough, we are doing it in his honor.

I ask you to think of him today, Be kind. You never know the situation of the stranger next to you. Let someone merge in front of you in traffic, ask someone how they are and listen, donate to a cause , hug someone who needs it or any one of a million other things that will make someone else's day just a bit brighter.

Another mother lost her child this morning. The former Miss New Jersey Cara McCollum died after a car accident at 24. In a statement about the death of her daughter her mother said "In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"

I'd change it to: "In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life OF your years" We don't get choice over when our years end, and it isn't always possible to get the fullness of life in your years but those that go on can extend the years of life, enriching the world with the memory of the lost and improving things as they do so. 

8w3d I Can't Feel My Face #microbloggingmonday

O.M.G.eeeee

The nausea.

The vomiting.

I move and I am nauseous.

I don't eat and I dry heave.

I think about food and I vomit.

I throw up so often when I change Kinsy's diaper that he says "Mama?" and then makes gagging noises once he's on the table. Cheeky Monkey that one.

I took the medication they gave me at my Farewell Thee RE appointment on Wednesday night, and I regretted it bitterly at work on Thursday. I felt groggy the whole. damn. day. So I didn't take it again after that- until tonight. I was OK Thursday (aside from non-functioning from exhaustion) and Friday, a little off on Saturday and Life has been a nightmare Sunday and today. So when I got kins into bed I took one pill (rather than 2).

I am lucky - my boss is totally awesome and told me if I have to take the meds and can't make it in, just work from home. Or come in late. We'll see how it goes tomorrow morning and then determine my plan for tomorrow.

8W3D, I have a long road ahead.

On tap for this week: 1st midwife appointment on Wednesday (!): more hunting for Surya-Scott on the home doppler (1st attempt today was a no-go. I think I found kins right at week 9)


I Can't Feel My Face*
The Weeknd, I Can't Feel My Face

*when I'm vomiting

#microbloggingMondays On the Radio

Well, not on the radio, I guess, but on the podcast.

I was interviewed for the Beat Infertility podcast-which has an awesome, private group in Facebook if you're interested. My episode was released this morning. I listen to this podcast as it comes out twice a week, but I have not listened to my own episode- so you can't take my recommendation for this particular show. I feel a little nervous about it, since I know I talk fast and I know I didn't say everything I meant to. But you can listen if you want:

Beat Infertility podcast link. I'm in the second half of the show. You can tell me how it is!

On the radio
Whoa, oh, oh
On the radio
Donna Summer, On the Radio

So Long Re! 7W3D

Even though we were just there on Thursday, today was my final RE appointment. They did an ultrasound and baby is measuring exactly on-time- 7W3D. Heart rate was 177 and we could see the new little arm and leg buds (and the tail-- still early!)

So we've officially left the RE. This is likely our last- if all goes well, Boy or Girl, I think 2 will feel right, especially given the road it took to get here, If not, I'll wean at one year and do my last rounds (insurance covered)  of IVF ASAP and see if I can get one more good egg out of my old ovaries.  I would like to experience having a daughter before I close shop for good, but I don't know if it's worth these needles again- you know?

You know what the kicker is? In a envelope in my purse are my records for my OB- in them is the gender. I'm fine not looking at the u/s or asking at an appointment, but I literally have it with me. I want to look- but I will be so mad if I do. ugh.

Here's Surya-Scott!

What a Big Surprise

There. 

Was. 

A. 

Heartbeat. 

Knock me over with a feather. I cannot believe it. I thought for sure this was all over. I spent all night last night in complete stressed agony. 

I cried in the car driving over, in the waiting room and in the bathroom. 

The ultrasound tech was the nicest medical person I have ever encountered. She talked me through everything and didn't give me the side eye when I cried like a maniac trying to tell her why I was there. I made hub do it. She said they would start with an abdominal u/s but it was just procedure. She didn't expect to see anything because  it's so early. She said "I am just going to do the abdominal as fast as I can do you can wipe off and go to the restroom. Then we'll do the internal and we'll be able to see what we need to know." 

So she spread the jelly and I told her about Liam and Blue Sunday- and then she put the wand on and there was a flickering heart. She said "I'm going to tell you now I see a heartbeat". I lost it. 

Even hub teared up. Then she put it back on and got a heartbeat of 141. She said to go pee and change. When I came back in- after crying alone in the bathroom- she asked what we thought our dates were and she said that was right on track with what she was seeing. 

We started the internal and baby measured 7 weeks (I am 6w6d) with a heart beat of 144. Everything looks really good. There is a miniscule hematoma- she said from baby borrowing in- and the doc didn't view it as a reason to have bleeding. I also have an itsy-bitsy fibroid- 11mm at largest. But they said not to worry at all. So I'm going to try that. 

Baby what a big surprise. Right before my very eyes.

Chicago, What a Big Surprise

6W5D This is Time For Letting Go?

More spotting Sunday and Monday.

Did a blood draw and I increased to 29304 in 8 days from 12581.

The doubling time can be "up to 96h +" but this is 157 hours.

Not Good.

Clinic agrees and I'm going in for an ultrasound tomorrow.

I hope it's definitive, regardless of the outcome.

Clinic did say they generally don't keep doing betas because things slow down and cause concern, but that they would have liked higher numbers.

I DON'T CARE WHO'S WRONG OR RIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
TOO MUCH TALKING BABE
LET'S SLEEP ON IT TONIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
THIS IS TIME FOR LETTING GO
Tina Turner, I Don't Wanna Fight