EBD 6: Divine Providence

Another Year. In another time and place I would have a 6 year old.

I actually am at work today. I think it’s the first EBD that I came into the office. I think I should have stayed home. Way back when I had a rule “No crying at work” I no longer bother with that rule, which is a good thing on days like today.

I was ok, sad and cranky, but ok- until I read the May 31^st posts of the past. This is a complicated feeling: Grief and longing mixing with joy at the family I have built and relief that I didn’t bring a child into the world to quickly and painfully pass away. As time passes I am more sure of my decision, it was the right one for our family. That eases the burden.

Also easing my burden this year: the baby I carry. A true miracle. I say that with the full gravity of that word. A naturally conceived, chromosomally and structurally normal baby. With my DOR, POF, and an additional 7 YEARS my eggs have managed what they couldn’t at 28. They said at the time it was a fluke, and then in the IVF process I was told Blue Sunday’s T18 and my infertility were connected. (They were kind enough to not say my fault). This baby feels like it was meant to be. A cosmic apology, divine providence.

This is probably fueling my boy vibe, Blue Sunday, Liberty always imagined as boys.

So here’s to you Blue Sunday. Wishing today and always that you know the depth of my love and know that I wish we were celebrating today and not quietly mourning. 

Monthly Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

Commentary:

You may have noted that I have updated these to Monthly update instead of bi-monthly. Time goes too quickly to do this every 2 weeks! 

Baby's size:

Axolot

How far along? 

20 weeks! Cue Journey

Total weight gain/loss:

Even with my starting weight! 

Maternity clothes?

Yes. I’m HUGE.

Sleep:

Very, very tired. My back is done for and I can't sleep. 

Best moment this month:

We had a great anatomy scan, which I posted about already. I felt baby move on the outside at 18w6d- Lib gave me some reassurance on the hardest day of pregnancy

Have you told family and friends:

Yes, and if they weren’t told and they can see me- they’ll know!

Movement:

Yes, fairly consistant but not strong enough to be painful. Happy days

Food cravings:

No.  I hate food

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. I am less sick now- but still vomit occasionally

Have you started to show yet:

You know it

Gender prediction?

Boy is my gut instinct

Happy or Moody most of the time:

I've been grumpy. My back is KILLING ME (still) and I am tired.

Miss anything:

Beer, wine, chicken

Looking forward to:

Memorial day weekend! 3.5 days off of work woo-hoo

18 weeks 6 days and Anatomy Scan: - 4th time around

Here we are. The very last time I will be 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Also the last day I will ever have been pregnant 4 times. From here on out, I'll only have been there 3 times. 

With kins, I rehashed the first time I was 18+6 this time, I can just refer you there. With MG I was prepping for vacation and a big work meeting and didn’t want to dwell. This time, everything is causing a little nostalgia. This is it, there will almost certainly be no additional babies for me. I was leaving the door open after MG, and happily someone walked through it! But I don’t think we will try for a fourth living child, in fact, we’ll be preventing. It’s certainly bittersweet.

We had a great ultrasound yesterday and we truly believe we are on the path to a healthy child. Anything can happen in pregnancy, of course, but all test results have come in normal, all ultrasounds have looked good. We had the 18 week scan yesterday and baby Liberty is looking healthy and whole. Liberty was bopping around in there. I was having Braxton-hicks contractions which we could see but I couldn’t feel at all. Lib looks like his/her siblings!

I’ll never be at marker in pregnancy 4 times again, and yesterday was the last time I will be in the U/S room where we saw Blue Sunday for the first and last times. We will probably never see the ultrasound tech again either (though I promised to send her a picture of Lib with his/her siblings and one of his/her feet- we spent some time yesterday talking about how both kids have hub’s (gross) feet. (Kinsy will be fine, but poor MG, pedicures are going to be necessary. LOL. I digress) We’re transitioning care to the midwife with our next appointment. I have been in the crazy hybrid of care: my OB/GYN is my primary, but she doesn’t deliver anymore (she’s really seeing me as a favor since she was with me for Blue Sunday and understands my fear of Next Tuesday with a surprise pregnancy). MFM for ultrasounds, and testing. He, the MFM, said if I were his patient I would have an ultrasound every appointment and he would see me every 3 weeks until 3^rd tri and then every 2! SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I like the midwife model of care, though and I know I feel comfortable with her. I am considering a more natural childbirth this go-round, so midwife probably works better for me. Though I am sad at giving up more ultrasounds. We might not see Lib again until he/she is on the outside!!! We had one ultrasound post anatomy scan with kinsy for growth at 30 ish weeks because I was measuring off and one for MG because she was naughty and breech. Both kids we had due-date ish ultrasounds to check fluids, but if I look good (measuring well) and go a little early (PLLLLLLLLEEEEAASSSSSEEEEE)- that could be it! I did- finally get the perfect U/S shot (only took 4 pregnancies!):

It is sad and exciting, as I begin to close the pregnancy chapter of my life. Sad: as I leave Blue Sunday behind in one more way. In a few hours I can say good-bye forever to 18 weeks 6 days of pregnancy and with it one of the major milestones I measure pregnancy by. Exciting: as I step closer to meeting my Liberty, completing my family and starting the pure parenting part of my life.