Another Year. In another time and place I would have a 6
year old.
I actually am at work today. I think it’s the first EBD that
I came into the office. I think I should have stayed home. Way back when I had
a rule “No crying at work” I no longer bother with that rule, which is a good
thing on days like today.
I was ok, sad and cranky, but ok- until I read the May 31st
posts of the past. This is a complicated feeling: Grief and longing mixing with
joy at the family I have built and relief that I didn’t bring a child into the
world to quickly and painfully pass away. As time passes I am more sure of my
decision, it was the right one for our family. That eases the burden.
Also easing my burden this year: the baby I carry. A true
miracle. I say that with the full gravity of that word. A naturally conceived,
chromosomally and structurally normal baby. With my DOR, POF, and an additional
7 YEARS my eggs have managed what they couldn’t at 28. They said at the time it
was a fluke, and then in the IVF process I was told Blue Sunday’s T18 and my
infertility were connected. (They were kind enough to not say my fault). This
baby feels like it was meant to be. A cosmic apology, divine providence.
This is probably fueling my boy vibe, Blue Sunday, Liberty
always imagined as boys.
So here’s to you Blue Sunday. Wishing today and always that
you know the depth of my love and know that I wish we were celebrating today
and not quietly mourning.
What a beautiful post.
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