IVF #1: Day -7 I Got a Plan

I have been neglecting this space a little bit. My period arrived on my 32nd birthday (woo-hoo, NOT) and I started birth control 6/23. How ironic, there is another thing I always said I would never do again- take BCPs.

Today is day 8 of BCPs I got insurance approval for my cycle today 6/30. I called my very nice PGD nurse- who will be my point person for the cycle.

The plan for now:
Stop the birth control 7/2 (Thursday)
Estimated Cycle Day 1 7/6 (Monday)
Patient Education and form signing: 7/8 (Wednesday- 1 week from tomorrow)
Start injections: 7/8 (Wednesday- 1 week from tomorrow)
Estimated retrieval date: 7/20 (3 weeks from yesterday! CRAZY.)

I am still working on my IVF crash-course post- stay tuned.

I got a plan we can do it
Just when you want it baby, baby, baby
Britany Spears, Get Naked (I got a Plan)

Ultimate Cycle Recap: Storm Warning

I'm not pregnant. We are moving on to IVF. 

That out of the way...

On Thursday of last week, the last time I posted, I thought the test I took in the morning was negative.  came home from work and began packing for a short canoeing/camping/kayaking trip  with friends and without baby. I went to pack a pregnancy test and saw the one I took that morning, faintly positive, much to my surprise. 

I gave it a good try- not getting excited, not telling hub, not getting my hopes up- but failed spectacularly. I called hub, cried and swore off beer for my trip. 

I was overjoyed. 

We tried to be cautious. We reminded each other that this was very faint, very early. I took a test in the afternoon, again, faintly positive.

The next morning I took 2 more tests FRER and my standard internet cheap tests. Peed and then went and laid down. Hub checked them- negative he said. I looked and could see a faint line- slightly darker than the day before on the cheap test. Nothing on FRER. I was concerned, and knew that this wasn’t going to happen this cycle, but I put on a happy face.

The next morning- 11DPO now- I took a test in a porta-potty beside a beautiful river way up in the woods.

Starkly negative.

No question about it. Negative.

So there lies the Ultimate Cycle.

Chemical pregnancy.

The universe is an asshole.  

Hub and I 

I'm gonna wish I had a storm warnin'

I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
A little leeway, a little more time
Hunter Hayes, Storm Warning

Honey, I'm good

Nailed it.  (she told me months ago, this was in draft, which makes it moderately better)

She's actually not as far along as I guessed, I sniffed it out at about 5 weeks. That's insane. She has a huge cyst that is causing extra bloating, so I guess it was part just happenstance I knew.

That and the lack of coffee.

Those and I'm so sensitive I know about everyone.

Also, totally jealous. It's going to be a loooonggg several months.

Oh no Honey I'm good

I could have another but I probably should not 

Andy Gramer, Honey, I'm good

The Ultimate Cycle: 9DPO- Contemplating IVF

Negative today at 9DPO. Losing hope rapidly. Lucky for me we had our "IVF pre-op" appointment 2 mornings ago. There are a lot of  things I want to get out about it.  Below are bullets, with a more developed post to come.

• We have excellent chances: he said 80% for a full cycle (using all embryos created that cycle). 
• On any one transfer: If we get to transfer on day 5: 40-70%, 3 day 30-60% depending on how many we transfer (1 or 2 embryos)
• Our insurance covers 6 fresh cycles (I know, we are really lucky) and as many FETs as we have frozen embryos to transfer.
• I mentioned PGD  (genetically testing our embryos before transferring them back into me) and the doctor thinks it’s a great idea. He thinks everyone should do it. Unfortunately insurance disagrees and it is out of pocket- about $4000. HOWEVER, generally speaking, PGD increases the live birth rate: when doing a single embryo transfer it brings us to the live birth rate of transferring 2 embryos. (about 70%)
• This is because embryos with genetic issues are not transferred- this lowers the miscarriage rate (thus upping the live birth rate).
• At our age (32 almost) our chances are great, and our chance to get some to freeze are really good. Hub and I want more than 2 kids total, and so will be back in a clinic down the road even if we get pregnant with number 2. Doing IVF (with some frozen) would mean I will still have the success rate of a 32 year old- even if I am 34-35 and want another (the current dream plan).
• Assuming we stimulate with this cycle, I would likely have a retrieval at the end of July. I would test the embryos on day 4 and freeze them. Then, I could do a transfer of healthy, tested embryos in September/October.

• The expected number of eggs at my age and AMH is between 10-20. Likely the higher end. 

Ultimate Cycle-3DPO- This is it

It is surreal to be waiting for this last, non-IVF pregnancy test.

We have our usual appointment one week into the two week wait on Tuesday (so in 4 days). But this time they called it an IVF pre-OP appointment. And it's with the doctor.

I'm trying to "do everything right". Which is meaningless since I couldn't have had a less "do it right" cycle when I conceived Bub. Nevertheless, I'm limiting caffeine, off alcohol, taking stupid supplements and working out (but not too hard). I just need some control.

Here is bub as a reward for reading an update post. He's so big now! He's filthy here- we were at a post-road-race party and outside all day. He played in chalk.

Like a Boss

This is it, I can feel
I'm the light of the world, this is real
Feel my song, we can say
And I tell you feel that way

Michael Jackson, This is It

Ultimate Cycle: IUI #2 Last Dance

IUI was this morning. This was the only chance this cycle, so hope it was a good one (EDIT: I lied, we gave it one last try Tuesday night. Just so IF I am pregnant there is a chance it was from traditional sexy time). There was less cramping than last time. I don't think that means anything other than that I feel better.

Count was down from last month (17.64 million vs 22.something million). Though not low enough to be an issue, I would have liked to beat last month.

We have a canoeing/camping trip planned for the weekend of the 19th- that's 10DPO. I guess I'll take a test that morning and hope it's definitive either way. If it's not positive, I will be drinking.. but I would rather not be drinking and have it be positive.

Tick tick.

Hub asked me as I was walking out of the IUI if I felt pregnant. It's going to be a loooonnggggg few weeks.

Last Dance
Last Chance For Love
Yes, it's my last chance
Donna Summer, Last Dance

Ultimate Cycle D13: The Storm Continues

This is WAY less than an ideal cycle.

I am pretty upset that this is how this last chance is working out. I DO think it will give me a good argument for one-last-'last-chance' next month, though. Small comfort.

I mentioned hub and I are having a bit of a rough patch. Both of us are on edge.

I have a yeast infection- TERRIBLE timing.

My D12 fell on a weekend.. again. Yesterday (Sunday-Day 12) was very busy- 3 parties, a class and an appointment. When I got in for bloods, I wasn't in the system. Again. How can one office mess up EVERYTHING and one is always fine?

In the end, blood and ultrasound were fine.  I triggered last night with a 22mm, a 14mm and a 12mm.

My pregnancy test is on my 32nd birthday.... lame.

Happy (not) Birthday: EBD Three

Early June gets to me. If I went to term with Blue Sunday and he was born as many days late as bub was- he would have been born tomorrow June 5^th 2012. So here we are EBD 3.

Hub and I had a catastrophic day on the EDD- May 31st. It was one of the worst days we have ever experienced in our relationship- 15 years together in 3 weeks. It’s fine, we’ll be fine, but there was a careless moment and he just doesn’t GET how to talk to me about Blue Sunday, about our relationship or about his war. It all came to a head on the EDD itself.

How?

We should have a three year old.

That blows my mind. It is unimaginable to picture life with a little kid when I only got as far as imagining a newborn before it was taken from me. It will only get more and more unreal as the years pass, especially with the lens of bub- a little more than a year and a half behind.  In some respects, it eases the pain: it is hard to miss what you can’t imagine. In other ways it removes Blue Sunday from me all over again, that hurts. Again.

I was reading a post by Sheryl Sandberg about mourning forher husband. I linked it because it is truly powerful, wonderfully written andhonors her husband in such a way that he deserves everyone to see it. In it, she mentions a prayer: 

Let me not die while I am still alive. 

This is the prayer, motto, inspiration that those of us with a hard story in our books should keep in our minds.

Let me not die while I am still alive

Let me not shrivel under the weight of loss.

Let me not forget the living as I hold onto the dead.

Let me not waste the life I still have.  

I owe that to my baby.

No.

I owe that to my babies.  

We have dinner plans with a few of our friends over the next several days; we have parties and trips and classes; we have our lives.

There will never be a time when I forget Blue Sunday. There will never be a May 31^st that I don’t remember what would have been. I will try to do so with joy and purpose though. I will try to make this past May 31^st was the last horrible one.