Happy New Year

I have never been so happy for the year to end. More tomorrow when I am sober and awake

Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature to shelter you from the storm
Oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on, and girl I...
Wanna be the Papa...You can be the Mom....oh oh!
Sean Paul, Temperature

This is what I am actually listening to (I made a mix of the top 5 songs from 1982-2012. This was one of them from when I was in college- don't judge). I always sang the lyric (though knew it was wrong):

Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature to placenta you from the store
Oh lord, gal I got the right mmm keeping you on, and girl I...
Wanna be the mmmm...You out the storm....oh oh!

Of course I find out the real lyrics about a papa and mama 6 years later..... of course.


Here's to a wonderful, New Year full of rainbows and sunshine.

This is Disrespectful, or is it just me?

This is Just Disrespectful, in addition to making me want to tear someone's face off:

Kanye West announced that yet ANOTHER Kardashian is expected into the world: Kim is pregnant- presumably with his kid (Gone are the days when one assumes it is her husband's  [Yes, she is still married to Kris]. Kanye said:

"Stop the music and make some noise for my baby mama" and pointed Kim. Awwww how sweet!*

Just for the record, her sister is struggling to get pregnant with her husband. Nothing like disrespecting your girlfriend (baby mama, yuck) and your girlfriend's sister in one blow. Can he just keep it a bit classy?

Photo: Chris Polk/ Getty Images
Oh that's right, no.

*This is the Sarcasm font from now on

A Year Ago

12/26/12

One year ago, these were the last happy hours of my pregnancy. My world didn't crash down until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I wish I remember what I did that morning. I know that I didn't clean what was left a mess from Christmas morning. I think I played with my new iPad. I have evidence that I took my very last pregnancy picture. I have one clear memory of Before that day. Hub and  were laying in bed, playing with the iPad watching the YouTube video "I'm Santa and I Know It", laughing and laughing. Hub leaned over and told Baby that his parents were out of their minds. We laughed again and talked about how we were already scaring the child for life. We were so happy.

I missed the call from my OB, and called back as Hub drove out of the driveway. That's when the bad stuff started. They joy was sucked out and the terror moved in.  1:5 for T18, disaster. We knew we wouldn't carry to term a baby with such a poor prognosis, to watch a baby die in my arms was too much. 

12/27/12

One year ago, I had my last scan and my amnio. We didn't get any pictures and I regret that. Afterwards, we went to dinner and bought an iPad case. I was told to take it easy, but I just knew it wouldn't matter. I didn't drink with dinner though, there was a bit of hope left.

12/28/12

One year ago, I took it easy. Hub wouldn't let me off the couch. I cried. 

Dear Santa

It's Christmas Eve.

Last year I was dying for a few glasses of wine at the family Christmas party I hosted. This year I am trying to avoid drowning my sorrows. Last year I was looking forward to having a 7 month old at Christmas, this year I'm holding out hope that next year I'll have an infant or a belly full of baby or a home study in progress.

Last year I had just one more day left of being happy. This year.. I'm hoping to find happiness again.

This year, Santa, in the words of Elvis, I'd like you to bring my baby back to me- but barring that magic, please show me the path to a child of my own. (And so you're aware, I am gearing up for ovulation, I don't have any hope left, but you could help with that...?)



Please make these reindeer hurry
Well their time is drawing near
It sure won't seem like Christmas
Until my baby's here
Fill my sock with candy
And a bright and shiny toy
You wanna make me happy and fill my heart with joy
Then Santa, hear my plea
Santa bring my baby back to me
Elvis Presley , Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me

Being Polite to Strangers- Pretend to be Nice

There is a lot of talk on the BLM/ IF blogs about how to deal with being childless at the holidays. People in this community are often very sensitive- they are hurting, sad and feel like they stick out at a time that is so focused on children. I think there is a lot of over sensitivity in this population too though, and that's what I want to talk about today. Not having a child when you want one is very difficult, especially when you're smack in the middle of a season made for children and families, but this is no reason to be rude.

I have seen many posts around the internet of how to deal with who people forget to mention your deceased child. Many of the suggested  responses are rude and made to embarrass the person. This seems to be the opposite of how we want to be treated, so why should we give to others what we don't want in return? Correcting a grandparent on how many grandchildren they have: "No, mom you have 7 grandkids. You keep forgetting (name of dead baby)" really rubs me the wrong way. That might be technically true, but if grandma is talking about the kids she sees, helps raise and buys Christmas gifts for, 6 is the correct number. Grandma thinks of her grandkids as the living children, as many of us do. How many BLMs write posts about how they responded to the question "How many kids do you have" without including the one who died. -- why should we be rude to grandma when she does the same?

To hear it another way, I don't consider myself a mother. I know there are others who feel that way, Mrs. Wonderful and I have had the conversation about this before -- though she is so, so close to being a mom in every sense of the word!  I find it odd when people tell me "You're still a mom", No, no I'm not. But I smile and nod, because I understand that what they are saying is who THEY view my situation, and I allow others to live out their perception. It doesn't make me feel any better to correct a person, so I don't bother.

Then there is the "When are you having kids" or (my favorite) "Why don't you have kids?" Ouch. You know what? I usually tell the person asking. "As soon as possible" and/or "We lost one at about 20 weeks this year" (soon to be last year....). I know that I have mentioned before, I really like talking about Blue Sunday. I like opening the lines of communication on baby loss, special needs and terminating for medical reasons. I know not everyone shares this. If it is too personal to answer (or you just don't feel like it) it is far less rude to give some humorous answer that closes the door than to tell them to "Mind your own business and pass the potatoes"- Gesture to a kid misbehaving and say "Lion tamer isn't in the cards yet" or something else silly. Really, if they are asking you're related (and so they care) or you hardly know each other and they are filling space.  There isn't a verbal adult person who hasn't offended someone with a simple, well-intentioned question. I personally am always one step behind the gossip mill and keep asking people how ex-significant others are. I mean well, really I do. So do they.

But can't you just pretend to be nice,
Can you at least pretend to be nice,
If you could just pretend to be nice,
Then everything in my life would be alright
Josie and the Pussycats, Pretend to be Nice

Childless

There are several types of childless people, all with their own reasons, their own memories, their own wants and desires, and, for most, their own losses:

There are those who are childless by choice. Those people who for whatever reason, choose not to walk the path to parenthood. These are the childless people I envy. If I cannot have children, I wish I could have never wanted them. They are childless, but they don't have to mourn the loss of a child either.

There are those who are childless by happenstance. They would have wanted to be parents If. If they met the right partner, If they had their career in place, If they lived in the house of their dreams. It doesn't seem like childlessness effects this type of person as it does some others. Perhaps it's because becoming parents isn't what they defined themselves by (that's the house, the job, the partner) or because they have larger issues (lack of shelter, work, or a loving, stable partner). They might mourn the loss of the material ability to have children, but may be not.

There are those who have wanted to, but never been able to conceive a child. Have never felt the elation of seeing two lines, or hearing the words "You're/We're/I'm pregnant". Even knowing the way it ended, I would love to feel that amazing joy of September 18th 2011. I know a woman who desperately wants a bio-child.. and has never even gotten this far. That is a loss in and of itself, on top of that is the loss of being a parent, if even for a few days to a fetus in utero.

There are the babylost. So many types: early miscarriage, recurrent miscarriage, TFMR, loss while carrying to term after a poor prenatal diagnosis, pPROM, unexplained late stage pregnancy loss, still birth from a delivery accident and more and more. Each a horror all to themselves but the tie that binds in never getting to see your own child alive. The loss of a child on top of the loss of the memory of one.

There are those who are childless because of infant loss: expected or unexpected, in the hospital or in those first few days home. These people had parenting so close, and then ripped away. The memory of a living, breathing little human that you created living and dying in your arms. This loss must be different than the loss I had. Having a child of your own; that baby smell, touching soft skin, seeing tiny toes. It is unimaginable to me to lose a child after these things.

Then there are those who no one wants to look at too closely. Those who not only had pregnancies, live births and babies but had children- kids with personalities, likes and dislikes, may be even friends and favorite books. Parents who lost kids... parents who lost a person they have loved and begun to raise. Those (like my wonderful grandparents) who raised a child- watched him marry and have children of his own- and then watched him die. Leaving his children behind, my grandparents mourning not only the loss of their child, but the also the sorrow of his own families.

I read a post from a woman once who was claiming she lost more because she had lost her child after X months and X days and the other had lost their child at X-1 months and X-1 days. She implied that she lost more because she lost her child when she was older (by days). I didn't like this concept, like I couldn't have loved my child as much as she loved hers because I never would "really know" mine. There is a bit of truth in there though, I will never know the loss of Blue Sunday like I would have if he had lived for days, weeks months or years in the world. That loss isn't made worse in number of days you were together, but the number of things you know you're missing out on; his beautiful face, smile, singing voice- knowing then losing all these things in your own little one must just make the loss so much more difficult.

Today, as we mourn the loss of 26 people, children and adults, we remember that each life is special, and that any life can be gone in an instant. I sadly welcome their parents into the horrible, awful club of the childless- because- as BLMs know- having other children doesn't ease the the ache of the one you lost. That the child for some of these parents wasn't 6 at death but 26 or 46- it doesn't ease the ache. Even with other kids- all these parents are now less a child. A true tragedy. A true sorrow. 

Reflections

On a whim, I was looking at a blog of a woman I know from a debating site. She has started a blog, it was there on her siggy. I clicked on it. It turns out she has a beautiful 2.5 year old who has Down Syndrome. She sounds like an incredible mom; she is a teacher and really knows what her child needs, and is able to recognize what her child will thrive doing. I found myself very envious of her. I thought "What I wouldn't give to have her life, her child, her understanding and love"

As a usual reader would know (or a new reader who has happened to look back on the last few posts), I have been having a hard time lately. There has been some progress in the past few days (Talk to adoption planning, talk of ART) and some set backs (a pregnant princess and some suspicions about 2 of my close friends, a BLM recovering from a m/c). {These will eventually all be their own posts and I will hyperlink them}. The combination of blog reading and my precariously "okay" disposition led me to look back on my own blog.

Mistake.

Oh My God have I come a long way. The raw, awful pain I was in just bleeds out of the... iPad screen... and  into my heart and head again. It might even be worse to read it now than it was to live through. At least then I was in the haze of loss, grief and hormones. I did get to one part though, that I need to correct myself on.

In talking in a haze of pain, I was wallowing in self-righteousness. I felt that I made the right choice, and therefore people who CTT made the wrong one. There are times and situations that I do believe that you are doing a disservice to your child to CTT- but it is rare and extreme cases.  I think that most of the people in this community- baby lost or special needs parenting- are good, loving parents and that whatever the decision we made, we made them out of love for our children. I know that there are parents on both sides of the issue that wish they made a different choice. I know that there are people who wanted to make one choice but made the other due to spousal, familial or religious pressure. My heart goes out to these people. I know there are people in our community, as in all communities, who suck as people and made a decision out of selfishness and convenience or who abuse their children because they have special needs. In the end of day- people are people and we are all doing what we can. I think a lot of that post was that I was in so much pain. I don't want to hurt anyone with the words that I wrote- or the mostly really awful ones I copied and pasted.

I know that there are misconceptions on both sides of the issue- on this blog I try and correct the assumptions that people about those who chose to abort after a poor prenatal diagnosis. I read special needs blogs to correct my own assumptions on those who carry to term.  If you care enough to write it down, put it out in the world, you care about your child. In short, we all do what we can. We all love our children.

I'm Not a Princess.. or a Duchess

My first reaction: ouch. Now I am in for several months (7, 8?) of pregnant princess news, only to be given  relief form pregnancy talk by way of royal baby news- For ever. . My second reaction: It is so early for an announcement- anything could happen. Poor Kate.
I try to hang on to reaction 2. How awful it must feel to be thrown into the spotlight when you feel awful and when you KNOW it is dangerously early in a pregnancy.  I have said I would never want to be in her position. Even if they are more in love than even hub and me (IMPOSSIBLE!) I would just have to say thanks, but no thanks. She can't hold a job or be seen with a hair out of place and she is viewed as a Royal Uterus to many.
Of course there is another part of my reaction- which is ever-present. Jealously Intense, raging jealously. HG? fine. Intense media scrutiny? Bring it on.  Terribly early announcement? I'll make announcement cards. I'd take it all to have a baby hanging out in my ute right now. Anything. 

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up a stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town 
I was a dreamer before you and you let me down
Taylor Swift, White Horse

P.S. This:
http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/post/37117477697/i-dont-want-to-talk-about-it-i-just-want-to-cry

I Hate My Job

NFOPG.

New F*&^ing Office Pregnant Girl.

We were having a Thanksgiving Pot Luck and there she was in all her profile glory. I thought she was just fat.

Here I am, on Cycle Day 1 listening to her talk about buying a crib and a stroller. “Oh there is so much to do” Boo-Fucking- Hoo. I had to leave and am now sitting at my desk hating her, the holidays and myself.

Who have I become? What has this experience caused me to be? I should be happy for her, instead I want to slap her and ask if she knows her baby can just die. I know it’s a honeymoon or just after baby, she was just married in the spring. Isn’t that nice to not struggle over it, for it not to consume you.  

I am bitter and angry and sad. I am sick to death of the sinking feeling that comes when I start spotting, and sinking lower when the bleeding really starts. I’m sick of feeling no joy when faced with a pregnancy that isn’t to one of the BLMs. I can hardly even face Mrs. Wonderful anymore.

8 weeks until the real testing begins. May be I can avoid being on the sidelines and into the pregnancy game when Mrs. Wonderful gives birth in February. May be. May be Not.

I hate my job, I hate my life and if it weren't for my two kids I'd hate my ex-wife
I know I should move on and try to start again
But I just can't get over her leaving me for him
Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring and said I hate everything
George Strait, I Hate Everything

Oh Miserable Guy in the Song, it could be worse, you still have 2 kids.

Where am I Going?

I’ve been absent because I’m not sure what this blog is moving towards anymore. I don’t know what I’m moving towards anymore.

I am not one of those women who struggle with regrets: not really anyway.

I am terribly sorry that this happened to Blue Sunday, but that isn’t really a regret.

I regret that I bargained with god when I was pregnant to please, please not let me miscarry. I started bleeding at 10w1d: My parents were on vacation: I didn’t want to do it alone. That would have been so much easier. Careful what you wish for, right? I don’t even believe it, that’s the worst part of that regret.

I DON’T regret my choice, I did the right thing for the innocent life inside of me. I don’t regret not doing L&D. I don’t have a laundry list of doubts: Did I do the right thing? Could I have handled it? Would he have lived? Yes, No and No. Emphatically so.

The women who regret and question seem to be the ones who can mourn for ages. They can think about their baby and imagine another life. In my other life, I am still in mourning, just for less time than I have been in this life.

I’m not the type to write letters to Blue Sunday- I think the little spirit has moved on. Hopefully to someone else, or waiting for me- but more likely just gone, gone. Forever gone.

I am not pregnant. That’s the other place these blogs go. Perpetual mourning or new hope. And I am neither. Not really.

I think I’ve gone depressed. I’m not crying all the time like before. I earned those tears and they made me feel better. I’m just generally sad, worn out and defeated. I can’t concentrate, not even on TTC anymore. I missed a bunch of test sticks this month and it didn’t really phase me. We didn’t feel like Sexy Time on a night that was key for baby making- so we skipped it. This would have been unthinkable just a few weeks ago.. but we just don’t have the heart anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, we want a baby, but it is all I’ve thought about for 1 year and 8 months now. Too long.

It doesn’t help that we have been TTC for so long that my EDD for the first month we “really” tried post-loss passed Monday. I remember because I thought having a baby on Veteran’s day (observed) would be nice for our military family- though I would likely have missed a very close friend’s wedding (which was Saturday). I never thought there was a chance in hell I would be drinking at that wedding- but drink I did.

This blog should hit its 5000th view with this post- which is cool. I assume that my readers are other TFMR moms, some non-TFMR loss moms, may be one or two parents of kids with special needs and I assume a voyeur or two (which is fine, it doesn’t bother me in the least). To all of you, thanks for reading, and hugs to you all in whatever your life trial is that brought you here.

Sad Today

Sad Today.

Crushingly sad.

Why?

Ahh the question I am never supposed to ask. It's been a why day- Why my baby, why me, why am I not pregnant.

Why am I sad?

I am ready to be a mom, and yet, I am not. Why?

Why isn't my body in tune with my mind?


I was half-listening to iTunes when The Man I'll Never Be came on (Boston). I could have sworn I heard "The mom I'll never be". Insert crying jag here. Then I was looking for a pen in the office drawer, and I found the chalk I bought to make this, about a year ago now:

I was so fucking sure of my self. What an asshole.


I can't get any stronger
I can't climb any higher
You'll never know just how hard I've tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can't be satisfied
Boston, The Man I'll Never Be

I Hate E-mail....

Received today:

Hi Lizzy,

Dxxx had been in charge of this while I was on maternity leave.  But, now it is her turn to go on maternity leave, so I will be taking it back to complete the report.  I had previously been working with (guy who has been gone for at least 6 months), and he is named on our documents.  Should I replace his name with yours when I write the amendment to change Dxxx’s name to mine?  I wasn’t sure if you were replacing him in this role or working with him.  Thank you for the clarification.

Have a nice day.

Dear Person that Ruined my Morning,

Good to know that your company has a track record of pregnancies with a happy endings, do you have a job for (insert my job title here)?! Also, I am glad to know that Dxxxx did nothing while you were gone! Guess she was too busy growing another human. May be that was my issue, I actually did my job while I was pregnant. So-and-so has been gone for well over 6 months, so BOTH of you were remiss in not changing his name. Please do so if you can manage in between talking about the baby factory you clearly work in.  That better not be at cost.

P.s. F you!

Lizzy

EDIT- In the Great Re-Reading/ Re-Publishing review I had a little laugh over this (a bitter, ironic one, but a laugh none the less). This was published 11/5/12. 11 months after this posting, my colleague went out on her maternity leave (Ray) and she same back 6 days before Liam was born. I had already been out of the office working from home for 2 weeks at that time. Amazing what a difference a year can make.

Things I am Excited For/About

Since I am always a negative nelly, here are some things I am happy about/ excited for/ love:

One and Two: I am a summer girl through and through, but I love BOTH of these winter only things: Mint Hershey's Kisses (spied last night at CVS and currently being slowly devoured by me) and skiing (hyped in the Boston Globe insert today)

Three, Four and Five: New make-up I love (Dream Airfoam by Maybelle), a flattering  photograph and a guy that loves me (in no particular order of course)

 

Six:iTunes today- Don't Worry, Be Happy is EXACTLY what I needed to hear while stressing over homework. Also, I find its ironic humor hilarious- it then played "Higher Power" (Boston) and "My Prayer" (Celine Dion & Andre Bocelli).. what I need working in my favor to ever finish this damn assignment!

Do you know Higher Power? It is actually an awesome, empowering song:

Hey, my higher power
The world is spinnin'

But I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me the power 

It's the beginnin'

The beginnin' of another day.

Boston, Higher Power

Light at The End of The Tunnel

I am starting to feel something that is just a bit like Hope.

I has an appointment with my Ob/GYN for my yearly. It was about a year from my first prenatal appointment with Blue Sunday. It was cycle day 3. I was terrified I would have to cancel as I had booked it over a month ago and taken a work-from-home day for it. Turns out I wasn't heavy so I was still able to go in. After the usual yearly appointment tests and questions we got into the 10 cycles of fruitless trying.

We agreed that the holidays are a bad time to add stressful testing and procedures and that it would be better, at this point, that insurance pay for them. So we're going to hold off until after New Year's day and then start with Tests for Him and a few for me. I had most of my early stage fertility work ups few months ago and things looked good. I'll need later-in-the-cycle blood tests once we get going.  Of course, we're all hoping that I'll get pregnant in the next 3 cycles (since January 1st will fall mid-cycle number 13). Regardless of those 3 changes, I'm gearing up for the middle of January.

I started on herbs from the acupuncturist. They taste awful and smell even worse, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. I have been seriously working on weight loss, though not getting very far I plan on continuing with that. Acupuncture continues, and is relaxing. I was upset when he shared with me that there will be a break in my treatment for a week- his wife is due with their first baby any day. He was just so excited and happy with the news... As he should be..... But it felt like salt in a very few wound.

In other Light at the End of the Tunnel news, I am set to graduate in May!!! I am very excited to be nearly done with studying (and paying!) for school.... But I had a vision in my head of holding a child in my arms at that graduation. When I first started school, it was just am imaginary, nameless, ageless kid. Hub was still deployed and we didn't know when we would start trying. Then we were trying and I started imaging a baby one and a half, one and five months, one and four months and on and on until I was imagining Blue Sunday who would be 3 weeks shy of one. I was convinced Blue Sunday was a boy not long into My pregnancy and imagined him in a baby suit. Then T18 happened and I stopped imaging the future at all. After a while, coming out of the fog, I started trying again and imagined instead a 6 month old, a 5 month old and so on until I imagined missing graduation for the best reason ever. Then the dream died. If I get pregnant this month I'll be 7 months along, showing al least, but that dream is quickly slipping away.

I think I am going to start imagining a future of injections, exams and IVF... At least if all that doesn't happen it is a positive (assuming it's because I'm pregnant).

Note: I really thought this was going to be a positive post......

Upon Entering The Holidays

Long, Long Winter

One down, 3 to go.

Halloween is over. I was pretty okay through most of the day. I had a tiny crying jag on the way home, but stopped quickly fearing that I would make a mother feel worse than I do by running over her child. I didn't have enough time to really dwell on the day.

As everyone knows, Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the North East earlier this week. I am a Bostonian, though missed much of the storm in Miami for a friend’s wedding. Though I never like to see people’s homes and lives destroyed, I do love a good storm and was sad to miss it… but not that sad. I ended up having my flight delayed by a day and a half, arriving home late the day before Halloween. I bought candy on the way home from work and arrived in the neighborhood while kids were making their way down the streets. That is when the crying jag took place. I would have/ could have/ should have had a 5 month old to show off last night. Thank goodness I didn’t remember to buy a baby costume last November 1^st like I had meant to.

There was one point that I did just close the door and cry. A woman came up with three kids probably between the ages of 3 and 8. She had a baby in her arms. They were adorable. They were not mine. I didn’t have a pumpkin, ladybug or monkey in a sling in front of me. Sometimes I just can’t stand it. Usually I can.

I think Thanksgiving will be a respite, as it is purely a food holiday. I can be Thankful for surviving this year (god willing). Christmas.. that’s going to be a complete and total shit show. I am almost positive Hub didn’t take out the “Last year of you and me” and the 2 birds with an egg between them ornaments that we had to commemorate my pregnant Christmas. The Christmas things are next to the pregnancy things in the attic. Christmas was the very last day last year I was happily, blissfully expecting a baby in May. A healthy baby. A baby that had potential.  December 26^th I got the call that changed everything. New Years I was trashy: both drunk and pregnant. I thought Blue Sunday should enjoy just one luxury of growing up. We had already scheduled the termination by then. 4 days later is Blue Sunday’s day. I don’t know what I’ll do for it.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

To cannibalize a phrase:  Today I got through a holiday, and today I love that I survived.

It's gonna be a long, long winter for me

It's gonna be a long, long winter you see
It's cold outside I'm just not feeling right
My woman left me on the midnight train

she ain't coming back again
Well that girl she's gone from me, left my heart in misery
Bob Marley, Long Winter