Furniture PSA: MicrobloggingMonday

I read a blog that linked This One the author's daughter was killed when a (small) dresser crushed her. No easy way to say that. The picture of the furniture is sobering. If you have a moment, and have little ones in your home, please take a moment to read it. If you don't have the ability to read the whole thing- at least take a look at how small a piece needs to be secured. It is a hard, hard read.

This was timely for me as we prepare to move kins into a room with furniture. His room currently is itty-bitty and has only his crib, a glider and a changing table (which is not a solid piece, mostly shelving, you can see in the (super old) pic below).

Secure your furniture, even the things you think are ok, The hassle is worth it.

14 Weeks: Pregnancy 3

Commentary:
14 weeks. Time is flying.

Baby's size:
Suyra-Scott should be about the size of a lemon. We won't have another ultrasound for 4 to 6 weeks, unless we do an elective one so that the grandmothers can see the baby.

How far along?  

14 weeks today!

Total weight gain/loss:

Down 14 pounds. Averaging losing a pound a week. I'll be TINY at the end of this. haha. It has to turn around, right? Someone at work told me I look great and like I've been losing weight. I laughed. 

Maternity clothes?

Pants, yes, for the most part. I don't need the shirts yet, but you can tell I'm pregnant in most shirts. 

Sleep:

Very, very tired

Best moment this fortnight:

Rough 2 weeks honestly. I just vomit All. The.Time. or am comatose from the pills. I guess I would say finishing a spin class and still feeling good. 

Have you told family and friends:

Just about everyone knows by now.  

Movement:

I don't think so. 

Food cravings:

Nope. Never.

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. Always.

In two days I managed to eat and keep down 2 nutrigrain bars, 2 pieces of pumpernickel toast with butter, 1 piece of white toast with peanut butter, a glass of V8, a few glasses of water and tea. 

Have you started to show yet:

I think so!

Gender prediction?

I think boy, but this is SWAG.

Happy or Moody most of the time:

Happy, nauseous and groggy.  

Miss anything: 
Food. 

Looking forward to: 
Easter! Pizza and giving Kins his basket. 

Goals: 2016 Edition - Quarter Year Update

I liked keeping track of my goals in 2013 and so I am doing it again this year!

I have a list of a few goals and I will update here monthly-ish quarterly-ish.

1) Resolve: Hub and I have decided that at then end of this year we want to have created all the embryos we're going to create (including donor). We can do FETs into 2017, but we want off this merry-go-round. So we may close the door with one at least semi-bio kid (we may pursue adoption after a family building break)
I'm pregnant! So this could be a check mark on or around September 23rd, though I am feeling like may be we'll try for a third in a year or two- using up the rest of my IVF insurance. Who knows. I can stop with 2, so that's a relief. 

2) Read 12 books. I have 11 on my list and one wildcard. Any suggestions? I read a wide variety, but am not counting pulp fiction type books (I like J.D.Robb and teen lit as a guilty pleasure but am not counting them)

OK, I read The 5th Wave and The Infinite Sea. Which we very good, though truly YA novels- Neither was on my list, but one was there twice.. so that's fine.  I don't think either of the ones I read are just throw-away thriller type, so I counted them as real books. I've ordered Where'd You Go Bernadette from Amazon. So doing well on this one. 

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago. oops (though I was pregnant and it was 90+ out that day. Last year I was just a little too slow)
Deferred. No way can I do 3.1 in 28 minutes at 23 weeks pregnant.

4) Pay down my mortgage (not off obviously aiming for about 10,000 extra dollars)
Already done! I used my bonus and some additional money I sent them each month. I'm going to keep going with this though. Can't get too far ahead.

5)Re-do the kitchen- at long last
Not started. We have our fingers crossed to start in June. We are waiting for news on something else though. 

Grief: Moving On, Moving Forward- or not

I've been thinking about grief a lot lately. Some of this is because I am grieving. I am over-Pluto happy that I'm expecting again, and that the baby is healthy. I am over-the-galaxy happy that I have Kins- the most wonderful child on the planet in my opinion.  I am also coming to fully realize that this is my last pregnancy (baring a miracle that I seem immune to). I will never have the family I imagined for myself.

This is sad. This is a loss.

A loss in a time of joy is confusing. I don't know how to talk about, for fear I sound ungrateful.

Much less confusing is grief in sadness. Intimidate grief, in the wake of a tragedy, everyone understands that. When the weeks and months pass though.. people get confused again.

Let me be clear- there are losses that you can never move on from. There is grief that will live with you for the rest of your life This is not the tragedy. This is a fact of life.

How you live though, that is up to you. I will never be over losing my first baby in the middle of pregnancy. I doubt I will ever lose the feeling sadness thinking of the 2 additional kids I imagined myself raising. This doesn't mean I wallow in grief. This doesn't mean I should miss the children I will have missing the ones that I won't. This doesn't mean I can let myself go- physically or mentally.

When people resume what looks like normal living after loss of some sort (child, marriage, imagined future), I think people around them want to breathe a sigh of relief. "Glad that's over and we can go back to normal". That loss never goes away, you're never dealing with the same person again.

I'm choosing to be healthy, to take joy in the son I have and in the baby I'm having. I am choosing to stop treatments, stop looking into adoption and stop seeking the third child I dreamed of (*subject to change). I am choosing to look like I am moving on. I am choosing that because the things that make me look like I am "ok now" are things that will make me happier. I am not choosing it because I am over the loss of Blue Sunday or the children I imagined raising. I am accepting that this is the life I have. It is a good, wonderful, happy life. It is not "full" it never will be.

12 Weeks: Pregnancy 3 update

Commentary:
12 weeks already? It's true, time moves faster with a kid at home

Baby's size:
Suyra-Scott was about 2 inches (49.9mm) crown to rump when we had the NT scan at 11.5, Here he/she is:

How far along?  

12 weeks (and 3 days)!

Total weight gain/loss:

Down 12 pounds. Yep. Crazy. I'm just 2 pounds over my lowest weight for when I was pregnant with Kins (I lost 7 that pregnancy)

Maternity clothes?

Pants, yes, for the most part. I don't need the shirts yet, but if I don't wear something loose my belly looks big. 

Sleep:

ugh These pills make me so tired. I made a very poor decision to try and stop taking them. LOTS of vomiting.  After I posted this, I threw up again and again on the ride home. 

Best moment this fortnight:

We had our AWESOME NT scan- 1.4 still can't believe it!

Have you told family and friends:

Most people know now. I am slowly letting the word out at work- before my belly causes rumors. 

Movement:

I thought I felt a flutter- that's crazy talk though. Probably in the next month. 

Food cravings:

Nope. Never.

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. Always.

Seriously: almost all meat- sometimes I can handle beef. I had turkey soup, with very small turkey chunks the other day and managed. I had one bite of chicken parm and almost booted it.
Strong, sharp cheese (my FAVORITE). Chips, dark chocolate, sharp greens (arugula, asparagus, broccoli). So, everything? Pretty much. I can eat bread. I had a mozzarella, tomato and pesto on pumpernickle today. I manages 1/2.  Yesterday I had an avocado salad with black beans. I am a good vegetarian. 

Have you started to show yet:

I think so!

Gender prediction?

I think boy, but this is SWAG.

Happy or Moody most of the time:

Happy and groggy. It feels odd not to be so stressed and worried. 

Miss anything: 
Food. Booze. Not choosing between groggy or sick.

Looking forward to: 
A little bit further to go, but I gave up pizza for lent and I can't wait to have a slice (meat free)

I'll Keep Holding On: MicrobloggingMonday

GROSSNESS ALERT

I cannot handle being pregnant. I know after IF there is a prevailing opinion that you can't/ shouldn't complain about the yuckiness of pregnancy. This isn't my opinion. For me, getting pregnant is very hard, but being pregnant is hard too.

I am now 12.5 weeks- most people tell me 'oh you're almost through" "you'll be done with the sickness soon". I usually smile, but I know with Kins that I was lower level sick in the second tri, and really sick again in the third. I have now lost 13 pounds. That's fairly significant, even on my bigger-post-IVF-bod.

This morning,I threw up my stomach lining while brushing my teeth. Then drinking my protein shake on the way to work I threw up again, all over my pants (I partially missed my vomit cup- which everyone keeps in their car, right? RIGHT??)

Also, I'm huge. I think I was like 18 weeks when I looked like this with Kins, I was never this big with Blue Sunday:

And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I'll keep holding on

Simply Red, Holding Back the Years

Feels Just like I'm Falling for the First Time: NT Scan

For the very first time, we had a good news outcome of the NT scan. PHEW.

Yesterday was our NT scan, though not until 3PM, so it was a loooonnnnngggg wait. Fortunately, I took the day off and I took Kins to the park- it was in the mid 70s!! Hub met us after he worked a half day and we went for ice cream. When it was nap time, we brought Kins to my parents and waited until it was time to leave for the appointment.

When we finally got there, completed paperwork and got called in, the radiologist commented that she recognized me and asked if I had another child. It was the woman I liked, so that was nice. In our conversation Blue Sunday came up, and I could see her realize that was why I made an impression on her.  

Suyra-Scott gave us quite the scare, when we first peaked in, there was no movement, and I couldn’t see the heart flicker. The radiologist jiggled me around- still nothing and then repositioned. At least now we could see the heartbeat, and she let us listen, I guess she could feel our panic. HB was 169! It took so long I was genuinely concerned that baby Suyra-Scott was for some reason paralyzed and I ran through all the “what will we would dos” (terminate? no, keep the baby- we’d need to move to an accessible home, are there mental issues? Then we’d terminate- depending- right?!). I kid you not, PTSD is real. I was having flash-backs to eerily quiet Blue Sunday and what that meant for him (Blue Sunday face planted in my placenta and essentially remained there for every scan we had). I was asked to roll around and eventually baby woke up and started performing, phew. It was a long few minutes. L-O-N-G.

But.

After that big scare- things were really good. Baby is a cutie- likes to suck his-her feet and fingers, does not like to show off the back of her/his neck. We were in there for an hour!

The radiologist left and I started to stress. Last time it took 30 minutes or so. This time it didn’t take nearly that long. The doc came in a asked us what we were planning in terms of additional testing (this must be the MO here, exactly how the conversation began with Kins- though it wasn’t immediatelyfollowed up with a BS DS DX). I said no, and explained with did PGD. He was happy about this- though reminded me that the NT can aslo indicate other issue. He talked about that for awhile, but eventually I couldn’t handle it anymore and asked if everything looked fine. He looked SO surprised and was like oh yes, it was a great measurement- is this your first?” LOL. So I explained my situation (including that false DS warning and that that measurement was 2.3) and he GOT it. The measurement for Suyra-Scott was 1.4 (!!!) and he said their cut off was 3.0 (confirming my suspicion that Next Tuesday was just a raging jerk and had it out for me- Catholic Hospital). Anyway, this time, everything was good right from the get go.

Snijders, Nicolaides from the Book "The 11-14 Weeks Scan"

Surya-Scott was 49.9 mm in CRL, so just a little larger than the median. 

We go back in 7 ish weeks for the anatomy scan! Eeeekkkkkkk!

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time
Bearnaked Ladies, Falling for the First Time

I'm in Hiding (but not very well) #MicrobloggingMonday

Here I am 11 weeks (plus 3 days).

I feel like I’m pregnant looking- though I’ve lost 11 pounds as of this morning. I am trying to cover it up (I have a sweater over that dress for work). My appointment is just 2 days away, I am still very anxious about the NT scan since it always goes wrong. After that I hope to feel better about telling work (my boss and 2 close friends know). There is a woman who I want to tell before word gets around- she did IVF but it never worked out for her. She went on to adopt a son, but it still can’t be easy to hear about the pregnancies of others.

I guess I’m stressed and rambling. Mostly I’m sick and tired and tired of being sick. 

Now I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
Oh, I'm in hiding

Pearl Jam, In Hiding