5/31/13
This is Blue Sunday's Estimated Birthday (EBD); this would have been his first birthday.
This morning in the car there was a string of great and meaningful music. The Script's Breakeven, which I used in an early, raw post just after termination. When ever I hear that song I think about the sacrifice- taking Blue Sunday's pain as my own- and this blog. It also makes me remember the horrible, all-consuming anger that I was feeling- at myself, at God, at the world. I don't know that I feel that way anymore- lost, alone and godless. It is a very strange feeling- between believer and non-believer. While I don't think I could go back to the religion of my childhood- I would like to explore faith again.
Needless to say, I was thinking about God/god, about Take Two and of course Blue Sunday. The very next song was Janet Jackson's Together Again. I felt like it was a sign from my Blue Sunday: that things were okay for him, that he is watching out for me, hub and Take Two, that we will be together again and in the mean time, I can see him in the smiles of others, in the sun in the sky and the waves in the sea.
So then I had my first cry of the EBD. But it was so different from the early days, and from even last year. I felt like I made the right decision, I felt forgiven, I felt freed.
As I was awash with good feelings when "Angel" by Shaggy came on. I love that song, it cracks me up. "She was there through my incarceration/ I wanna show the nation my appreciation". That line is so ridiculous! I have always rejected the "angel" language for Blue Sunday. I'm not sure why, at the core. I think I like to think of Blue Sunday as a real child- not perfect, not angelic. A little naughty, fun, spunky. Hearing that song today, it felt like Blue Sunday was in on the joke.
So I was in the car on the way to the heartbeat check. I was nervous, but not overly so. I really feel deep down that this pregnancy will end well. That is a feeling I never had with Blue Sunday, so I'm just taking it at face value and trying to enjoy.
I got into the office and was taken back soon after. My OB reminded me that it was a bit early to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, 9 weeks is really the lower limit and I am 8w6d by trigger date and 8w4d by last ultrasound. She said she'd try, but if we didn't hear it, we'd go down to u/s. She also said she likes to do a dating scan about 9 weeks since it is the best dating time. We thought she found the heartbeat a few times, but the machine was picking up lots of my own blood supply noises. She said that alone was encouraging- I have lots of blood to the uterus and the uterus is rising up and out of the pelvis- a few inches already!
I was sent down to u/s- but they weren't due to open for another 40 minutes. I did some work from the car (conference call- super fun) and then headed back in.
Locked.
Waited.
No one came.
The maintenance guy let me into the office so I could sit and fill out my paper work, but after 45 minutes I went back up to my OB's office. She let me hang out there and they called down to the office every so often. About 2 hours after my arrival, the u/s tech was finally in. (She didn't have her first appointment filled today so came in late- no issue on her end or the OBs)
I was nervous by the time I got down stairs- after so much waiting. Keep in mind that I go to the same office building since I first went to the GYN. My OB's dad delivered me. She was with me from first BC pill, through Blue Sunday, and IF. The u/s tech is the one I saw for Blue Sunday's good appointments and bad. She was in the room with the MFM who did my amnio and Level II. She was there for my SHG. She has a single u/s machine and no assistants. All on the EBD.
When I got back into the room Lynda and I (the u/s tech) were talking. She was asking about previous pregnancies and I reminded her of Blue Sunday- we went through the details-- how and when we found out, results of the NT and Level II. She was surprised we found out so late, and we talked about how the baby was small and they had trouble with some of the imaging- then she remembered me. She said it was sad- that they were hopeful after the scan. It was hard- but good. Good to talk about Blue Sunday- to remember.
Then we saw Take Two.
I can't quite articulate what it means to see a baby on an u/s to those who have never had the joy. I really can't even start to tell you what it's like to see one after the horror we went though. Add all of those emotions times a thousand- as you add the bittersweetness of seeing that baby on the day you should be celebrating the first birthday of a lost child.
It was truly breathtaking.
Take Two is fantastic. Already more active than Blue Sunday ever was (I remember for the NT scan, he just laid there, like he was sleeping, for the whole scan). We laughed as miniscule arms and legs wiggled away. She looks like a teddy bear! Baby has grown 14 days in only 11. I am measuring 9 weeks exactly. Heartrate is now up to 174.
All signs point to Blue Sunday's Little being on the way.
The Song is unbanned:
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Kermit the Frog, The Rainbow Connection
The past is over, the future hasn't happened yet, all we have is now.
Today I am pregnant.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I Still Get Jealous
I am still incredibly jealous of pregnant woman and new parents. Really, really jealous.
I am envious of my pregnant friends' ability to believe things will be
fine. I am envious of their bellies, of their plans, of their baby talk and joy.
That makes no sense, right? I'm one of them. I am pregnant. I have a not-yet-obvious-but-growing uterus. I feel so lucky to be pregnant, I really, really do. I don't want that fact to get lost in this. However, while I remember that I'm pregnant, I forget that a pregnancy usually means a baby in less than a year's time.
I know I am pregnant, but I don't know that I am expecting a baby in January... subtle, but very different.
My work friend Ray is getting bigger and is 21 weeks now. I went home and cried the day she hit 19 weeks- One day longer than I got with Blue Sunday. It isn't that I don't want her little girl to be fine, of course I do. There isn't a soul on earth I would wish into this club. However, I can't stop questioning why her baby is thriving while my Blue Sunday not.
A new mom just came back to the office after maternity leave, another welcomed a daughter today (I work with the man- much easier than seeing the belly everywhere). A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I am so jealous of all of them. A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I still feel on the outside looking in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7sx32alzeE (How I love this song)
Part of it is that I am a full trimester behind all of them (there is a baby boom coming in October), but the other part is that I will never really be one of them.
I am in mourning for my baby, always, but also now, I am in mourning for the person I once was and for the pregnancy I will never experience. Though I am pregnant, I am not blissful, and doubt I will be until I have a breathing baby in my arms.
Dear dolly, I know a secret
You didn`t know, I knew
I still get jealous, honey
Very jealous, ja ja ja
I still get jealous
(Cause it pleases you.) <~~~~ Sarcasm font!
Louis Armstrong, I Still Get Jealous
 |
| http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/333263377/digitalart/photomanip/humourous?view_mode=2 |
That makes no sense, right? I'm one of them. I am pregnant. I have a not-yet-obvious-but-growing uterus. I feel so lucky to be pregnant, I really, really do. I don't want that fact to get lost in this. However, while I remember that I'm pregnant, I forget that a pregnancy usually means a baby in less than a year's time.
I know I am pregnant, but I don't know that I am expecting a baby in January... subtle, but very different.
My work friend Ray is getting bigger and is 21 weeks now. I went home and cried the day she hit 19 weeks- One day longer than I got with Blue Sunday. It isn't that I don't want her little girl to be fine, of course I do. There isn't a soul on earth I would wish into this club. However, I can't stop questioning why her baby is thriving while my Blue Sunday not.
A new mom just came back to the office after maternity leave, another welcomed a daughter today (I work with the man- much easier than seeing the belly everywhere). A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I am so jealous of all of them. A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I still feel on the outside looking in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7sx32alzeE (How I love this song)
Part of it is that I am a full trimester behind all of them (there is a baby boom coming in October), but the other part is that I will never really be one of them.
I am in mourning for my baby, always, but also now, I am in mourning for the person I once was and for the pregnancy I will never experience. Though I am pregnant, I am not blissful, and doubt I will be until I have a breathing baby in my arms.
Dear dolly, I know a secret
You didn`t know, I knew
I still get jealous, honey
Very jealous, ja ja ja
I still get jealous
(Cause it pleases you.) <~~~~ Sarcasm font!
Louis Armstrong, I Still Get Jealous
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Signs- Soothing after Struggle
There was an office move today. (Hang in, this relates)
We moved from the newly renovated, open-concept 4th floor, to the standard everyone-has-an office style 3rd floor. We moved upstairs at the end of last summer- when I was in the height of "I can't get pregnant" grief now that I look back on it. Long enough at TTC that I just knew deep down that it wouldn't happen naturally, but so far from ART. The move was a mixed bag for me. I liked having an office where I could close the door to concentrate- or cry. However, I felt lonely and cut off from my co-workers- my office was at the end of a hall and no one was ever down there.
That office that I moved from last summer was the office where I spent most of my pregnancy (I had moved from the 2nd to 3rd floor about 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant). There was a lot of memories of planning for a baby, googling baby chat boards and nursery plans from that space. On top of that, the phone call confirming Blue Sunday had T18 was taken in the back stall of the ladies room on the third floor. Needless to say, I was happy to get away from there.
Now, the fourth floor is tainted too. Now defined by my struggle with IF. Most of the months I spent trying and failing for a baby were on that floor. I moved back down stairs with some sense of relief. "New pregnancy, new office, new floor, new start" I thought. My new office is far from where my old one 3rd floor office, my old office had it's walls knocked down and is now a giant storage room. I don't need to face that office again. I was happy with the move.
Until I realized I needed to pee (about 45 minutes after I peed last- haha). I was filled with dread thinking about going into that bathroom and that stall. As I walked into the hallway, I resolved to wait for the front stall if need be. As I went to push open the door, I caught out of the corner of my eye the "Men's Room" sign.
It seems there was a re-model of the 3rd floor bathroom since I've been upstairs. The women's room has switched with the men's- and it looks nothing like the old women's room did.
I know that this is totally silly, but I felt such relief. I never again need to see that awful bathroom again. I never again even need to occupy the same physical space.
And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."
The Five Man Electrical Band, Signs
We moved from the newly renovated, open-concept 4th floor, to the standard everyone-has-an office style 3rd floor. We moved upstairs at the end of last summer- when I was in the height of "I can't get pregnant" grief now that I look back on it. Long enough at TTC that I just knew deep down that it wouldn't happen naturally, but so far from ART. The move was a mixed bag for me. I liked having an office where I could close the door to concentrate- or cry. However, I felt lonely and cut off from my co-workers- my office was at the end of a hall and no one was ever down there.
That office that I moved from last summer was the office where I spent most of my pregnancy (I had moved from the 2nd to 3rd floor about 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant). There was a lot of memories of planning for a baby, googling baby chat boards and nursery plans from that space. On top of that, the phone call confirming Blue Sunday had T18 was taken in the back stall of the ladies room on the third floor. Needless to say, I was happy to get away from there.
Now, the fourth floor is tainted too. Now defined by my struggle with IF. Most of the months I spent trying and failing for a baby were on that floor. I moved back down stairs with some sense of relief. "New pregnancy, new office, new floor, new start" I thought. My new office is far from where my old one 3rd floor office, my old office had it's walls knocked down and is now a giant storage room. I don't need to face that office again. I was happy with the move.
Until I realized I needed to pee (about 45 minutes after I peed last- haha). I was filled with dread thinking about going into that bathroom and that stall. As I walked into the hallway, I resolved to wait for the front stall if need be. As I went to push open the door, I caught out of the corner of my eye the "Men's Room" sign.
It seems there was a re-model of the 3rd floor bathroom since I've been upstairs. The women's room has switched with the men's- and it looks nothing like the old women's room did.
I know that this is totally silly, but I felt such relief. I never again need to see that awful bathroom again. I never again even need to occupy the same physical space.
And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."
The Five Man Electrical Band, Signs
Thursday, May 23, 2013
A Week from Tomorrow
I should be preparing to celebrate Blue Sunday's 1st birthday. A week from tomorrow is 5/31/13. Instead, I will be at a heartbeat check for Take Two. I had my (first) SHG right around my due date last year. This seems to be a pattern- in the OB's office right around Blue Sunday's EDD. I like to think that it keeps me closer to him, as if I could ever forget.
This year, I'll be 8 weeks 4 days pregnant. I wonder if I would have been trying yet. I imagine that I would have been, though I don't actually know how taxing it is to care for a child under one. Assuming it all works out with Take Two, we're planning to start trying again in the fall. We'd like the kids close in age, and given how long it took this time, we don't want to waste too much time.
Because of that, this baby really isn't a "wouldn't have been" baby, like so many others conceived after TFMR. Babies that were conceived when mom should have still been pregnant, or immediately after their EDD. There will always be a missing piece, an unfulfillable hole. Not just that Blue Sunday is missing, but really that all of my kids could have been in existence, Blue Sunday included, when looking at the timing of their births.
Then again, I hadn't really had an issue with conceiving Blue Sunday, we might have waited a year, just started up trying around Blue Sunday's first birthday. It is unknowable.
Like so much of this journey- of any journey- you can't see what would have been accurately. You can only imagine the life you would have led if things had been different, a single decision causing ripples of effect very far from the decision point.
Blue Sunday was never healthy- so really, a first birthday would not have happened. We wouldn't have consented to heroic measures. We would have had a DNR in place from the earliest days. It may have been that Blue Sunday would never have taken a breath, even without my choosing to terminate. We may have gotten minutes, hours or even days with him. But not in my wildest, fact-based day-dream would we get months adding up to a year. 5/31/13 would always have been an empty day.
That realization is both painful and relief. It is awful to know that a child you created was destined to die incredibly young. It is a relief in that the ripples of my choice don't extend that far, in the end, I would be mourning my Blue Sunday in the coming days.
I feel so lucky to have a second chance at this- bringing a healthy child into the world. I hope that on his due date, Blue Sunday is looking down over his Little and allowing her (or him, but I'm feeling her) to grow and thrive and to have the chance he never really did- to live.
This year, I'll be 8 weeks 4 days pregnant. I wonder if I would have been trying yet. I imagine that I would have been, though I don't actually know how taxing it is to care for a child under one. Assuming it all works out with Take Two, we're planning to start trying again in the fall. We'd like the kids close in age, and given how long it took this time, we don't want to waste too much time.
Because of that, this baby really isn't a "wouldn't have been" baby, like so many others conceived after TFMR. Babies that were conceived when mom should have still been pregnant, or immediately after their EDD. There will always be a missing piece, an unfulfillable hole. Not just that Blue Sunday is missing, but really that all of my kids could have been in existence, Blue Sunday included, when looking at the timing of their births.
Then again, I hadn't really had an issue with conceiving Blue Sunday, we might have waited a year, just started up trying around Blue Sunday's first birthday. It is unknowable.
Like so much of this journey- of any journey- you can't see what would have been accurately. You can only imagine the life you would have led if things had been different, a single decision causing ripples of effect very far from the decision point.
Blue Sunday was never healthy- so really, a first birthday would not have happened. We wouldn't have consented to heroic measures. We would have had a DNR in place from the earliest days. It may have been that Blue Sunday would never have taken a breath, even without my choosing to terminate. We may have gotten minutes, hours or even days with him. But not in my wildest, fact-based day-dream would we get months adding up to a year. 5/31/13 would always have been an empty day.
That realization is both painful and relief. It is awful to know that a child you created was destined to die incredibly young. It is a relief in that the ripples of my choice don't extend that far, in the end, I would be mourning my Blue Sunday in the coming days.
I feel so lucky to have a second chance at this- bringing a healthy child into the world. I hope that on his due date, Blue Sunday is looking down over his Little and allowing her (or him, but I'm feeling her) to grow and thrive and to have the chance he never really did- to live.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Which is Yes
Today, I saw the heartbeat of another life flickering inside of me.
It was an immensely emotional moment. Hub was not allowed back with me (boo) and the screen was turned away from me. I was terrified and discombobulated all morning. Walking into the ultrasound room I was told to go to the room on the right, and walked to left. She had to correct me by pointing.. ouch.
Anyway, it seemed to take her forever to load the dildo cam and get it inserted. After a minute in there she said "I see a heartbeat" and I just started crying. After a moment she showed me the screen- a little blob with a flicker taking up most of it. Totally exciting, though mostly indistinguishable.
I am measuring right on time. They like to see the heartbeat at 120 or more and baby's is 141. So we're looking good so far!
More tomorrow- I slept very poorly last night and am really not coherent.
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
e.e.Cummings, i thank You God for most this amazing
It was an immensely emotional moment. Hub was not allowed back with me (boo) and the screen was turned away from me. I was terrified and discombobulated all morning. Walking into the ultrasound room I was told to go to the room on the right, and walked to left. She had to correct me by pointing.. ouch.
Anyway, it seemed to take her forever to load the dildo cam and get it inserted. After a minute in there she said "I see a heartbeat" and I just started crying. After a moment she showed me the screen- a little blob with a flicker taking up most of it. Totally exciting, though mostly indistinguishable.
I am measuring right on time. They like to see the heartbeat at 120 or more and baby's is 141. So we're looking good so far!
More tomorrow- I slept very poorly last night and am really not coherent.
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
e.e.Cummings, i thank You God for most this amazing
Friday, May 17, 2013
Almost There
It is Friday at 2pm. I'm about 67 hours and 15 minutes from ultrasound
I am 67 hours and 15 minutes from crossing off one fear or having one realized.
I didn't think this was how pregnancy would be for me. I don't know why, I'm neurotic about everything else. May be because last time, with Blue Sunday, it was relatively easy for me (until, you know, it wasn't). I didn't really worry about a miscarriage at all, and I didn't know what a chemical pregnancy was. I did have a scare when I fell down the stairs and then lost my pregnancy symptoms. I was only 6 weeks 1 day at the time, symptoms weren't strong at the time, but my doc let me come in and do betas. After the second one, I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days and saw Blue Sunday's heart-beating away, I had a slight scare at 10 weeks 1 day when I started bleeding, but it was fine then too. It was just over a week later when we had the NT scan that was alarming, but only in retrospect.
At none of those times did I seriously think that the baby wasn't going to be there. But I never felt at ease in Blue Sunday's pregnancy. Never.
This time, I DO feel positive. Most of me feels pretty sure that I will be taking a baby home in the winter.
But.
But I also feel like every appointment, every day, every time I go to the bathroom that something is going to have gone wrong. I will look stupid, planning on taking a baby home in the winter and not even getting through the first 2 months.
So I wait, full of stress, for Monday. When I can get answers on why I keep getting random, sharp pains in my lower abdomen. Everything I have looked at points to round ligament pain.. but I'm 7 weeks- not 27 or even 17. Anything before the start of the second trimester is unusual for RLP. It is scaring the crap out of me.
1) Is it not RLP and instead miscarriage pain? 2) are there multiple kids in there?
I am still exhausted and sick. I worked from home yesterday because I just couldn't get out f bed. I slept until 8:30, took a nap for an hour at 4:30 and was in bed for the night at 10.
After the nap and before bed, we went to JAM's and told them about the pregnancy. I've seen them twice since I found out, but both times was with a crowd, and I wanted to tell them gently and privately in-case they had a sad reaction. They didn't and seemed really excited for us, which was awesome.
So overall things are good- stressful, but good.
I'll update on Monday.
65 hours and 45 minutes...
I am 67 hours and 15 minutes from crossing off one fear or having one realized.
I didn't think this was how pregnancy would be for me. I don't know why, I'm neurotic about everything else. May be because last time, with Blue Sunday, it was relatively easy for me (until, you know, it wasn't). I didn't really worry about a miscarriage at all, and I didn't know what a chemical pregnancy was. I did have a scare when I fell down the stairs and then lost my pregnancy symptoms. I was only 6 weeks 1 day at the time, symptoms weren't strong at the time, but my doc let me come in and do betas. After the second one, I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days and saw Blue Sunday's heart-beating away, I had a slight scare at 10 weeks 1 day when I started bleeding, but it was fine then too. It was just over a week later when we had the NT scan that was alarming, but only in retrospect.
At none of those times did I seriously think that the baby wasn't going to be there. But I never felt at ease in Blue Sunday's pregnancy. Never.
This time, I DO feel positive. Most of me feels pretty sure that I will be taking a baby home in the winter.
But.
But I also feel like every appointment, every day, every time I go to the bathroom that something is going to have gone wrong. I will look stupid, planning on taking a baby home in the winter and not even getting through the first 2 months.
So I wait, full of stress, for Monday. When I can get answers on why I keep getting random, sharp pains in my lower abdomen. Everything I have looked at points to round ligament pain.. but I'm 7 weeks- not 27 or even 17. Anything before the start of the second trimester is unusual for RLP. It is scaring the crap out of me.
1) Is it not RLP and instead miscarriage pain? 2) are there multiple kids in there?
I am still exhausted and sick. I worked from home yesterday because I just couldn't get out f bed. I slept until 8:30, took a nap for an hour at 4:30 and was in bed for the night at 10.
After the nap and before bed, we went to JAM's and told them about the pregnancy. I've seen them twice since I found out, but both times was with a crowd, and I wanted to tell them gently and privately in-case they had a sad reaction. They didn't and seemed really excited for us, which was awesome.
So overall things are good- stressful, but good.
I'll update on Monday.
65 hours and 45 minutes...
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Reflections on my Second Not-a-Mother Mother's Day
I hate May.
It is just an emotional wringer for me. I thought, may be, that being pregnant would ease the pain a bit. May be it has in some small way, but the pain is still there.
May 31st was my EDD with Blue Sunday. My last not-a-mother Mother's Day should have been in May of 2012, and I would have been hugely pregnant, possibly even the mother of a tiny, brand new baby.
I remember being sad after calculating my EDD, that I would miss Mother's Day by a few weeks. Got ahead, roll your eyes, I am.
Last year at this time, I was starting to let go of the idea of being a mom by this Mother's Day. I was starting to let go of the idea of an unassisted BFP. I thought that I was coming into myself again, but I was not. I was lost, sad and confused.
So even though I 'knew' a year ago that I wouldn't be a mom for Mother's Day 2013, or at all without some help, I still had a bit of irrational hope.
Now here I am, childless again, with part of me knowing it was inevitable and part of me utterly shocked that this is my life.
I am feeling lucky and amazed that Clomid worked on our first cycle, that I had a great response and that I have the ability to get pregnant (no but). I am also feeling scared and defeated. Scared that this isn't IT: IT being the BFP that will make me a mom in time for next Mother's Day. Defeated because I have lost such a part of myself, lost the ability to be excited for those two lines.
So here we are, again a childless Mother's Day like last year. This time though, there is a tiny 6-week fetus in my uterus, hopefully growing by the day with a heart having just started beating or about to do so for the very first time.
Unlike last year, there is hope that next year will be different.
To the other BLMs out there, to the IFers, to the women have resolved and have children with them today, to those whose resolution was to accept life child-free and to those like me, somewhere between childless and mother- have a peaceful day. Let yourself cry if you need to, or get angry, or smile. Love to all of you.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting
It is just an emotional wringer for me. I thought, may be, that being pregnant would ease the pain a bit. May be it has in some small way, but the pain is still there.
May 31st was my EDD with Blue Sunday. My last not-a-mother Mother's Day should have been in May of 2012, and I would have been hugely pregnant, possibly even the mother of a tiny, brand new baby.
I remember being sad after calculating my EDD, that I would miss Mother's Day by a few weeks. Got ahead, roll your eyes, I am.
Last year at this time, I was starting to let go of the idea of being a mom by this Mother's Day. I was starting to let go of the idea of an unassisted BFP. I thought that I was coming into myself again, but I was not. I was lost, sad and confused.
So even though I 'knew' a year ago that I wouldn't be a mom for Mother's Day 2013, or at all without some help, I still had a bit of irrational hope.
Now here I am, childless again, with part of me knowing it was inevitable and part of me utterly shocked that this is my life.
I am feeling lucky and amazed that Clomid worked on our first cycle, that I had a great response and that I have the ability to get pregnant (no but). I am also feeling scared and defeated. Scared that this isn't IT: IT being the BFP that will make me a mom in time for next Mother's Day. Defeated because I have lost such a part of myself, lost the ability to be excited for those two lines.
So here we are, again a childless Mother's Day like last year. This time though, there is a tiny 6-week fetus in my uterus, hopefully growing by the day with a heart having just started beating or about to do so for the very first time.
Unlike last year, there is hope that next year will be different.
To the other BLMs out there, to the IFers, to the women have resolved and have children with them today, to those whose resolution was to accept life child-free and to those like me, somewhere between childless and mother- have a peaceful day. Let yourself cry if you need to, or get angry, or smile. Love to all of you.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Walking the Wire
Yes, true to the BLM mantra, "Today I am pregnant, and Today I love my
baby".
I'm 6 weeks today.
But not exactly- not yet. It is so hard to go all in on a pregnancy when I haven't heard a heartbeat, when I hardly have symptoms and when I know just how little both of those things actually mean in the end.
I tried to get the assurance of a second beta, but when they called with the "results" they would only tell me that it was positive, not the actual number. I can't even describe my disappointment.
There are a lot of things that have me on edge. I have been forced to tell more people than I wanted to, and am about to have to do it again tonight.
A good friend of mine is getting married on the 26th. I knew I would have to tell people then, since I wouldn't be drinking, assuming all goes well on the 20th at the ultrasound. But, at that point I would have some assurance from the ultrasound, or not, but at least I would know. Tonight, all I have is a good beta almost 2 weeks ago and a positive blood test on Wednesday. I'd hate to tell people just to untell them in a week, but how can I explain not drinking at a bachelorette party for crying out loud?
Can you tell I'm not feeling confident? Want to know why?
For one, I am not having overwhelming symptoms. I'm exhausted and bloated, but I'm not nauseous most of the time. I can't remember when it started last time, but I do remember that it was debilitating. I can't shake the fear that I'm feeling ok because there is no baby growing in there.
The other (real) reason? My due date.
It's 1/4/14
Not ringing an alarm bell?
2 years to the day of Blue Sunday's termination.
Really, 365 days a year and THAT is my due date. I calculated it 3 times to be sure. I know that the date can change once the scan is done, but any deviation from that date is likely to scare me. Scare if baby is behind, because Blue Sunday was always behind. I know it can't be ahead and not just an extra bit of growth because I know within 6 hours of when I ovulated.
So here I wait, totally scared and yet joyous. Finally, I don't have to constantly calculate my cycle day. I'm not timing BD or counting down to testing. I'm not medicating.
Still, we don't talk about January. We don't talk about pregnancy or names or anything baby related. Hub keeps asking me if I want a beer. That's how far we're forcing it off the radar.
After all this time, I thought it would be different.
Monday the 20th can't get here soon enough.
I used this song before, but it was talking about this moment. The moment when I am in a new pregnancy, but the health is still unknown:
I'm 6 weeks today.
But not exactly- not yet. It is so hard to go all in on a pregnancy when I haven't heard a heartbeat, when I hardly have symptoms and when I know just how little both of those things actually mean in the end.
I tried to get the assurance of a second beta, but when they called with the "results" they would only tell me that it was positive, not the actual number. I can't even describe my disappointment.
There are a lot of things that have me on edge. I have been forced to tell more people than I wanted to, and am about to have to do it again tonight.
A good friend of mine is getting married on the 26th. I knew I would have to tell people then, since I wouldn't be drinking, assuming all goes well on the 20th at the ultrasound. But, at that point I would have some assurance from the ultrasound, or not, but at least I would know. Tonight, all I have is a good beta almost 2 weeks ago and a positive blood test on Wednesday. I'd hate to tell people just to untell them in a week, but how can I explain not drinking at a bachelorette party for crying out loud?
 |
| Question mark by Marco Bellucci |
Can you tell I'm not feeling confident? Want to know why?
For one, I am not having overwhelming symptoms. I'm exhausted and bloated, but I'm not nauseous most of the time. I can't remember when it started last time, but I do remember that it was debilitating. I can't shake the fear that I'm feeling ok because there is no baby growing in there.
The other (real) reason? My due date.
It's 1/4/14
Not ringing an alarm bell?
2 years to the day of Blue Sunday's termination.
Really, 365 days a year and THAT is my due date. I calculated it 3 times to be sure. I know that the date can change once the scan is done, but any deviation from that date is likely to scare me. Scare if baby is behind, because Blue Sunday was always behind. I know it can't be ahead and not just an extra bit of growth because I know within 6 hours of when I ovulated.
So here I wait, totally scared and yet joyous. Finally, I don't have to constantly calculate my cycle day. I'm not timing BD or counting down to testing. I'm not medicating.
Still, we don't talk about January. We don't talk about pregnancy or names or anything baby related. Hub keeps asking me if I want a beer. That's how far we're forcing it off the radar.
After all this time, I thought it would be different.
Monday the 20th can't get here soon enough.
I used this song before, but it was talking about this moment. The moment when I am in a new pregnancy, but the health is still unknown:
Now I'm caught in the spotlight
Walking the wire
my feet are frozen and my heart's on fire
What do I do if my dream comes true
James Taylor, Baby Boom Baby
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Still Waiting for Results
The Bad News
Had a blood test yesterday... still waiting for results........
I've already called once. Would calling again be too much?
The Good News
I've already thrown up twice today and dry heaved countless times.Okay, it's not that good, it's gross, but it's encouraging!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
I Walk the Line
I can't keep it together.
Those symptoms I had yesterday? Gone. I'm not gaggy, I'm not crying out when anyone brushes my breasts, I'm not even as tired as I was (I am always a little tired).
I am totally terrified at 5 weeks 3 days pregnant or not pregnant at all anymore. Honestly, I'm waiting for the bleeding and cramping to start.
For a few days I was excited to see pregnant women, wondering when I would look like them. I was desperately hoping my friends would TTC soon, as they planned. This morning I cursed to myself seeing a pregnant woman walking to work.
I called my OB/GYN (the one I love) this morning. I got her receptionist who, after her usually coolness, sounded seriously compassionate as I explained: I'm Lizzy, I am Dr's patient but have been seen by the RE for a few months. I am pregnant and I did have the blood test positive about a week and a half ago (small lie, but I didn't really mean to HOW has it only been a week and 1 day??). The RE won't see me again until 7 weeks and I am really worrying myself sick. Literally sick. After what happened last time I just can't deal with this" then I started crying. She put me on hold and I assume went to talk to the doc. She got back on the line and told me the u/s woman would call me back. That seemed a little strange, but I'll hold out for it.
Hub really doesn't want me to have a scan without him, so I am going to call and tell him to skip lunch until he hears from me, may be they will fit us in for a u/s today? I really just wanted bloods done.. though the u/s might give a quicker answer.. at least we could see if there is a sac in there, right?
To be updated....
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
Johnny Cash, I Walk the Line
Those symptoms I had yesterday? Gone. I'm not gaggy, I'm not crying out when anyone brushes my breasts, I'm not even as tired as I was (I am always a little tired).
I am totally terrified at 5 weeks 3 days pregnant or not pregnant at all anymore. Honestly, I'm waiting for the bleeding and cramping to start.
For a few days I was excited to see pregnant women, wondering when I would look like them. I was desperately hoping my friends would TTC soon, as they planned. This morning I cursed to myself seeing a pregnant woman walking to work.
I called my OB/GYN (the one I love) this morning. I got her receptionist who, after her usually coolness, sounded seriously compassionate as I explained: I'm Lizzy, I am Dr's patient but have been seen by the RE for a few months. I am pregnant and I did have the blood test positive about a week and a half ago (small lie, but I didn't really mean to HOW has it only been a week and 1 day??). The RE won't see me again until 7 weeks and I am really worrying myself sick. Literally sick. After what happened last time I just can't deal with this" then I started crying. She put me on hold and I assume went to talk to the doc. She got back on the line and told me the u/s woman would call me back. That seemed a little strange, but I'll hold out for it.
Hub really doesn't want me to have a scan without him, so I am going to call and tell him to skip lunch until he hears from me, may be they will fit us in for a u/s today? I really just wanted bloods done.. though the u/s might give a quicker answer.. at least we could see if there is a sac in there, right?
To be updated....
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
Johnny Cash, I Walk the Line
Monday, May 6, 2013
Looking Forward, Looking Backward
This pregnancy is hard.
It is mentally hard, emotionally hard and physically hard. Already.
Physically is the easiest part I suppose. I am SO. SICK. The real nausea/vomiting started just over 24 hours ago and already I am thrust back to where I was when I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. I remember it being bad, the mouth-water-ry, hot and cold flash, rolling stomach, gagging feelings of pregnancy, but I had forgotten how bad. I forgot that even standing in the kitchen could make me gag, how after a delicious dinner (garlic spinach, baked sweet potato and lime chicken) I could vomit the whole thing up. I forgot how even my beloved morning tea won't sit right. I won't even mention how the stop-start-accelerate to decelerate- change lanes-and-come to a stop again of an urban commute feels.
But whatever. I am glad to feel miserable. It means I'm producing hCG, more today than 24 hours ago, judging by the onset of symptoms. It means that more than likely someone is growing in there. I would have given anything to be in this position in all those months of trying, and now that I am here I am overjoyed (and terrified- and I'm going to go ahead and say it- sick).
The thing about being sick, the really lousy part, is how familiar it all is. This is how I felt with Blue Sunday. The first time I was really sick was a few days further into the pregnancy (I think). I had been feeling unproductively nauseous for a few days, probably right about where I am now 5 weeks 2 days, Hub made me spaghetti with red sauce and meatballs for dinner- which sounded palatable, it wasn't. The pasta came out my nose- and I didn't eat noodles for the remainder of my pregnancy.
Why is that bad (aside from the gross memory)?
Because every time I think about how this time feels like last time, I get stabbed with fear. That ended horribly. Unspeakably, unimaginably horribly. I don't know that I will come out of a second loss like that a whole person. Ever single time I think 'oh I remember this' I immediately think 'oh please no, please please if this is a bad pregnancy just end it now'.
Then I say 'Really, am I actually wishing for a miscarriage'.
I feel like I need a therapist... or a scan. Which I have to wait just under 2 weeks for (and by "just under 2 weeks" I mean 1 week, 6 days and 19.5 hours.. not like a few days less than 2 weeks).
So that's the emotionally hard, the mentally hard is similar but different.
When I can stop thinking about Blue Sunday and obsessing over similarities and differences in the pregnancies, I am counting time. I really need to live in increments of 1-3 weeks for the next few months. 2 weeks until the first u/s. If all is well, 3 weeks until the MartiniT21 blood test (which they don't know I'm requiring yet) and another week until the NT scan, a week after that for the results of the blood test- due in the week I turn 30. We're hoping to formally announce at the party.
Please, please let me get there.
It is mentally hard, emotionally hard and physically hard. Already.
Physically is the easiest part I suppose. I am SO. SICK. The real nausea/vomiting started just over 24 hours ago and already I am thrust back to where I was when I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. I remember it being bad, the mouth-water-ry, hot and cold flash, rolling stomach, gagging feelings of pregnancy, but I had forgotten how bad. I forgot that even standing in the kitchen could make me gag, how after a delicious dinner (garlic spinach, baked sweet potato and lime chicken) I could vomit the whole thing up. I forgot how even my beloved morning tea won't sit right. I won't even mention how the stop-start-accelerate to decelerate- change lanes-and-come to a stop again of an urban commute feels.
But whatever. I am glad to feel miserable. It means I'm producing hCG, more today than 24 hours ago, judging by the onset of symptoms. It means that more than likely someone is growing in there. I would have given anything to be in this position in all those months of trying, and now that I am here I am overjoyed (and terrified- and I'm going to go ahead and say it- sick).
The thing about being sick, the really lousy part, is how familiar it all is. This is how I felt with Blue Sunday. The first time I was really sick was a few days further into the pregnancy (I think). I had been feeling unproductively nauseous for a few days, probably right about where I am now 5 weeks 2 days, Hub made me spaghetti with red sauce and meatballs for dinner- which sounded palatable, it wasn't. The pasta came out my nose- and I didn't eat noodles for the remainder of my pregnancy.
Why is that bad (aside from the gross memory)?
Because every time I think about how this time feels like last time, I get stabbed with fear. That ended horribly. Unspeakably, unimaginably horribly. I don't know that I will come out of a second loss like that a whole person. Ever single time I think 'oh I remember this' I immediately think 'oh please no, please please if this is a bad pregnancy just end it now'.
Then I say 'Really, am I actually wishing for a miscarriage'.
I feel like I need a therapist... or a scan. Which I have to wait just under 2 weeks for (and by "just under 2 weeks" I mean 1 week, 6 days and 19.5 hours.. not like a few days less than 2 weeks).
So that's the emotionally hard, the mentally hard is similar but different.
When I can stop thinking about Blue Sunday and obsessing over similarities and differences in the pregnancies, I am counting time. I really need to live in increments of 1-3 weeks for the next few months. 2 weeks until the first u/s. If all is well, 3 weeks until the MartiniT21 blood test (which they don't know I'm requiring yet) and another week until the NT scan, a week after that for the results of the blood test- due in the week I turn 30. We're hoping to formally announce at the party.
Please, please let me get there.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Should Auld Acquaintance be Forgot
Never Brought to Mind?
I can assure you, you were not forgotten. I know that I have been a bad blogger. Elizabeth messaged me last night asking what had happened with the beta. I tried to post a reply from Mobile Blogger, but it did actually post it. Sorry!In my new method, Good News, Bad News (and for good measure I'm throwing in Unrelated !!! News). First
The Good News:
From right to left are 12, 13 and 14DPO. I think I incorrectly said the one from 4/26 was 13DPO in my previous post. I was 13 days post trigger- not post ovulation. Since I triggered at 3pm on Saturday and ovulation occurred 30-36 hours later I either Oed on late at night on 4/14 or very early 4/15. For ease, I'm going to call 4/26 (FRER 1) 12DPO- you can remember that it might be only 11DPO.
Once the "you're pregnant!" line was darker than the control line, I stopped testing. My beta was the following day.
The beta also belongs under the Good News heading :)
What's the number you're asking?
3-4-9
Yep! 349! at only 15DPO!! We were hoping for anything over 200 (I thought it was 16DPO so I was aiming high anyway).
I thought FOR SURE it was going to be lousy news. The day started with me getting lost after I parked my car at the complex where the RE is. (I know, what an idiot right?) I ended up being late for my 8AM appointment. Because I was late, Mean Nurse was waiting for me. She creepily leaned over my shoulder as I signed in. Then she waited for me to sit down and then called 'Liz'. The woman before me was named 'Lei' (I saw her name on the sign-in sheet) and we both stood up, looked at each other and then looked at Mean Nurse. She said "Liz" again, looking from her to me. Now we are both confused, and is shows. Mean Nurse says loudly and gruffly "Not you!" to poor Lei, who was standing not 3 feet from her.
I was so uncomfortable. I hate when people are so rude to others. Why can't you just treat people kindly? It isn't that hard. It is 8am on a Monday morning. We're standing in a fertility clinic. At best we're anxious and at worst someone is about to have their heartbroken- again.
So Mean Nurse and I go back and she continues to be gruff. After she finished, I had to ask when I would hear results. She told me between 1 and 4 that afternoon.
Since things had gone so badly in the morning, I didn't expect a call until later in the day. Nonetheless, I brought my phone to my 1pm meeting and let the organizer know if it rang I needed to answer it.
At 1:07 the phone rang.
The last time I was waiting on an important call, it ended up being the worst news of my life. My hands were shaking as I walked out of the room.
I couldn't wait to answer and picked up the call as I shut the door behind me. It was the Nice Nurse and she said "Congratulations, the beta was positive. It was a strong number"
My knees were shaking so badly I had to lean against the old reception desk.
She asked me if I knew I was pregnant (yes, but needed the number) and told me I would need to make an appointment for an ultrasound for 2.5 to 3 weeks from then. I asked if I needed a follow-up beta- don't they always do follow-ups?- but she said they only re-test at that number of days post trigger if the number is less than 100. Since mine was 349 there was no need to retest. She said that 349 was a very solid, strong number and that they were very pleased.
About 15 seconds after I hung up- while I was still crying in public- the thought crossed my mind: twins?
So I spent the whole first day Not updating my blog, Not doing the projects that were overdue (but I have finished them!) All I did was Google beta numbers. betabase.info is down, but you can still access content through the Internet archive way back machine. and typing the Betabase.info into the search bar (I learned this through a blog-- so thanks!)I can't sort by age, but you can see the aggregate numbers below.
When I thought it was 16DPO, I was right between the single and twin medians. Which gave me no hint either way. When I realized it was only 15DPO, I was OVER the median for twins.
GULP.
Right now I am just hoping that at my next appointment- not until MAY 20TH- that there is a heartbeat.. but can you imagine if there were two??
I can't even talk about it.
The Bad News
Well, I gave it away.. the appointment isn't until May 20th. I tried to get them to move it up (I have a real conflict involving people who are traveling internationally) but I only could move it up one day. WORST.
I'll be 7weeks and 1 day pregnant.
Pregnant.
I can't believe it.
I just hope it stays that way for the next 35 weeks.
Unrelated !!! News
I may have to keep you all hanging with rediculusly important news more often. I have OVER 10,000 views. 100 of them were from today.. and I haven't posted this yet. That is incredible.
What's more incredible? I haven't gotten even one piece of hate mail generated from this blog.
Now that is kindness.
I know not everyone agrees with my choice,but I love that people have been able to agree to disagree or just click off this blog. So thanks, readers.
Stay tuned.