It's here, at long last- May 31st 2012. The day I began counting down toward on September 18th 2011 on a plane high over the Rocky Mountains. Even before I had confirmation or told my husband we were going to be parents. Today is my due date.
I didn't go to work today. After I choked up there yesterday when telling a co-worker I might miss a meeting because I was anticipating needing to leave early people remembered what today would have been and I was told to work from home.
I didn't have too bad of a day until the last hour or so with one short cry while watching the news. Now I'm sitting in my living room, sweaty from a run, planning on an exercise video listening to "Like Everyone She Knows" on repeat and bawling like a baby.
It's not that she's so sad
She always was a happy soul
But lately she gets to wonder to herself
What's the good of going on anymore?
Hold tight to your heart's desire
Never, ever let it go
Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon
Tend your own fire, lay low and be strong
Wait a while (wait it out)
wait it on out (wait it out)
it'll come along
James Taylor, "Like Everyone She Knows"
If you don't know this song, I really recommend a listen. It is one of James Taylor's best, the music is gorgeous. The lyrics are haunting.
I am hoping tomorrow is a re-birth for me. I've put together a work out plan and am doing day one today. I have my HSG tomorrow. I should O in in the next few days. I no longer expect to get pregnant this month- though we'll try. I think I need to get healthy first- which at this point means losing 20 pounds or so. First goal is losing 2 and proving to myself that I can do it.
I had planned to give birth to the song "Beautiful Day" by U2. I can't believe how far I am from that tonight.
I hope my Blue Sunday knew the depth of my love. If there is anything after this life I hope that I will be forgiven by my baby, I do hope Blue Sunday would understand and would have wanted to be spared a horribly flawed life on earth. I wish I had a way of knowing. Once I settle from this crying jag, I'll do some yoga, walk my dog and then sing Blue Sunday the song I started singing for him right after I found out I was pregnant - Sweet Baby James. The cowboy lullabye.