Blech. Today was hard. My cry counter was already at 4 before I even walked in the door of work. I just feel like it is way too soon to get back to real life, that this baby.. that baby... deserved more. More time to mourn in private, my bruises from the IVs haven't even healed yet. Mostly, I didn't want to deal with other people, with their sympathy faces on, asking questions that will make me cry if I answer.
Mostly I was afraid of people I couldn't really speak my mind to saying silly things like "It was God's plan" or "Things happen as they are supposed to". Really? God wanted me to have to choose between watching my baby suffer and die or have an abortion and never even meet him/her? God planned on giving me this grief? And, to stop being so selfish for a minute, God choose to kill thousands in Haiti, Japan and Louisiana in natural disasters? He chooses to allow wars and dictatorships? My favorite is when people make off like I will be punished eternally for aborting a baby that would have lead a horrible, painful, short life that God gave it (in their minds) and my response to him would be "Fine I'll go to hell for one life, where do you go for all the people you made ill and die?"
I have so much sorrow on my heart. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like we cheated baby by not finding out the gender (though I have the option open to me, the OB has my amnio results). We don't even have a name for it, though I call baby Blue Sunday in my head- for Little Boy Blue and My Girl Sunday. Sort of a pretty name, as long as you never grow up. But really, it is easier not to know EXACTLY what we lost. And in so many ways it doesn't matter- "not even a little bit, not even at all" to quote 10 Things I Hate About You.
Hold on baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go and no one knows
That you cry but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone
Taylor Swift , Tied Together With a Smile
Really the entire song speaks to me, so I linked the lyrics but my favorites are:
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cuz' she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't break even
The Script, Breakeven