The Post in which I Curse- A Lot: NT Scan

Editor's Note: Sorry to those of you with sensitive eyes. As you were warned, I am going to curse... a lot. God owes me several allowances on this point at this point in my opinion.

Gimme an F
Gimme a U
Gimme a C
Gimme a K
What's that spell?
How I feel about my life.

Really, really not how I wanted this post to go today. I feel like I cursed today's scan with this post, and this one, the plan for what this post was going to be, and my generally stupid fucking optimism with this pregnancy.

So I had my NT scan this morning. Hub couldn't come so my mom came in his place. This was totally red flag number one. With Blue Sunday, hub wasn't able to come either, and my mom stepped in in his place then as well. I didn't want her to come because of this, but really didn't want to go alone. Who else would I ask?

(OMG- this day just can't go well. I am typing this while listing to my ipod that seriously has 1,355 songs on it [just looked it up] and of all those damn songs which one comes on? Like Everyone She Knows- AKA the song I listened to on repeat on my EDD. Not awesome memories.

Anyway...The scan itself seemed to be going rather well, the woman doing the scan was really nice, which really helps- as I learned later when I ended up with a doctor who I am going to call Next Tuesday, though I hope to never C her again (if you're catching my drift).The scan room was awesome and had a screen opposite the bed, so I could easily see what was going on in there. Baby was adorable, but uncooperative. Take Two was upside down doing a headstand and bouncing all around on his/ her head! Night and day from Blue Sunday, who face planted into the placenta and hardly moved, even with vigorous abdominal prodding. The Nurse doing the scan sent me to empty my bladder and hopefully make the baby move. She said things looked good and told me that when I got back she would do the neck measurements. After that, Take Two moved and was off his/her head and laying down like a normal baby. As she measured the neck she said "about the same as before". So I knew she had measured it while the baby was in bad position as well, Red flag two. We looked at the spine, brain, heart and limbs everything was pronounced good. 

After the scan, which took over an hour, the tech went to get the doc. We waited for over 20 minutes, in which time I was really freaking out. At one point I said to my mom "I guess this is bad news, I don't think they would leave us so long otherwise". When Next Tuesday finally came in, she gave no introduction at all. I don't even know her name, fortunately for her. She opened with "did you do the Harmony blood test?" I told her I did the Panorama, same type of test different vendor. Then she asked if I had results (no) when I took it (2 weeks ago today) and she told me "They should have them back by now and you really need to get those results. (My midwife) works in the building and I should go right down. The scan was abnormal." Then she said something about how the baby likely has 'just'  DS but it isn't a repeat of last time because T18 doesn't thicken the NT" to which I said "I was told I had high normal NT with that pregnancy" She asked me: "what were the measurements last time?"
Now I am losing my shit, and I tell her the numbers (3.4 by one measurement and 2.9 by another- I don't know who was right). And she is just like "Ok those are elevated. Well chromosomal abnormalities shouldn't be related. You got tested for mutations right"? I nod, but am to upset to actually respond. 

At this point my assumption is that the NT is higher this time than last. You would too, right? I am also Freaking. The. Fuck. Out. I mean, Next Tuesday is essentially diagnosing Down Syndrome just from NT, it must be huge.

So my mom asks her what the number is.. and she says 2.1.

2.1

At 12 weeks 4 days, that seems under the 95% percentile. right? Baby was 62mm meaning the 5th-95th percentile range was 1.2- 2.25 ish?

Snijders, Nicolaides from the Book "The 11-14 Weeks Scan"

Anyway, I don't have access to that data on the table, and an losing it, now crying hysterically and Next Tuesday is just telling me to go talk to the midwife about getting the results from Panorama. Eventually she is like "I guess I can call her up here for you, but you need to get out of this room" What an F'ing C-U Next Tuesday. Seriously I wanted to punch her. Still do.

Eventually my midwife comes into the office we were placed in and she opened the door and gave the "What's the problem" look and she asked if I was ok (ummmm NO). So my mom is like "She is losing her mind. Next Tuesday told her the scan was abnormal and mentioned DS and was a jerk" and she was like "OMG! That wasn't how she gave me in information. Sorry she treated you like that" Midwife said she personally thought the numbers were totally normal, there were no markers and without my history she would send me on my way. She only did the Panorama because I "probably have PTSD from last time" (I lol'ed a little here, my academic interest is actually PTSD and I don't believe I am affected- though I can imagine people can be from such and experience). She really worked to calm me down, but I did just leave her a message asking if any information from the scan was loaded into the system- other NT measurements from the scan, nasal bone information or results from the 1st tri blood work. 

I am so lost. I will never get pregnant again (with the possible exception of doing IVF with PGD) if this pregnancy is abnormal. If this baby has DS, hub and I are likely to have a huge fight, since it is unlikely I would terminate if there were no life-threatening defects but I think he would want to.

I just needed this to go smoothly, and got screwed. Or perhaps, it did go smoothly but I got a C-U Next Tuesday for a doc and not a normal person who can do job-necessary things, like deal with emotional women in sensitive situations.

I'll keep you posted....