Introducing.....

Mr Cameron Eugene!

Shirley Anne Photography 

He was born after an induction at 41 weeks 4 days (eeeekkkkkk)   Labor was quick and easy and I’ve decided that I just don’t go into labor on my own. I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get, and now never will get, the water breaking and rushing to the hospital moment, but having a safe delivery was obviously paramount.

I cannot believe I am the mother of three living children. Holding Cam and watching my two “big” kids play at the moment and it still doesn’t feel real. He’s 11 days old now and still all sleepy newborn sweetness. I’ve done this enough to know these early days fly and am trying to enjoy it all knowing my childbearing years are over. (I’ve already asked Hub for one more and he looked at me like I was out of my mind)  To be fair, I doubt I’ll want another in a few months.

Birth story to follow but in short we had a planned induction that was pushed back several hours, prodromal labor for almost 2 weeks, a pitocen induction at 3cm, epidural at 6cm and delivery 2 hours later. Cameron is perfect, loved by all. We had a photographer at his birth and it is literally one of the best things I’ve ever done. If your on the fence about it- DO IT. I’ve only gotten the sneak peek but I’m in love:

Shirley Anne Photography

Shirley Anne Photography

38 Weeks 6 Days

(I am so grateful to be pregnant)

I hate being pregnant SO much.

I am burning with heartburn, want to vomit, have insomnia (yet am so tired) and am GIANT.

MG's birthday was Friday (how is my baby girl TWO?!?!) and her party Saturday. I had been hoping to make it through those days and into October before baby arrives. Well we're here. Let's get a move on, baby.

Our photographer has been on call since Thursday.  (Did I mention I hired a birth photographer? I did. I'm VERY excited. I love labor/ birth). Though I have been having a lot of contractions, they aren't consistent so I haven't let her or the hospital know yet. I have an appointment tomorrow and will have them check me. Hoping for some progress (I was a one when I was checked a week ago based on the same fake contractions).

The good news is is that my midwife is back from her vacation- she takes the same two weeks every year. 2 years ago, it was the week before and the week of MG's birth. This time it appears she'll have just made it back.

ugh. Come on baby. Or at least give me a break from these contractions!

Burn Baby Burn

There are some tough-to-look at pictures in here. If you're squeamish- stop here!

The two cutest little kiddos on the planet! (so the preview isn't graphic):

Back in January, we had quite the vacation. The surprise baby was conceived, but the day after that my poor little MG was burned by hot water. It seemed at the time like it was going to be quite bad.

It was a 100% accident, unfortunate location and timing. She was sleeping in her stroller and someone bumped into someone else who was holding water fresh from a hot water machine. The water went right across her whole chest armpit to armpit- fortunately above the nipple line and avoiding her face.

             Day 2 (I didn't take a day one picture)

I wasn't even WITH her when it happened. Hub and I were off the boat in the pouring rain having drinks and chips for a rare moment alone. We get back onto the boat, where you go through security (they check your ship ID, put your bags through and x-ray and walk through a metal detector. When they scan my card and alert comes up "SEE NURSE" . I drop all my stuff onto hub and run through the body scanner (Hub told me after I caused an incident- but I didn't give a flying F). The guy in front of me in the scanner dropped a plastic bag- had nothing in it, mind you, he had been using it as a cover in the aforementioned pouring rain. He asked me to get it for him. I pushed past him instead.

After getting past security, I came around a corner and was right at the medical area. My mom called out for me and I guess I looked terrified (I also didn't realize that's where I was until I saw everyone there). I saw kinsy right away and my mom saw me looking and said "She is fine". Up until that point I thought potentially that: my dad had a heart attack again, some other adult had a heart attack for the first time, kinsy broke his arm, someone fell off the boat. In my mind someone was DEFINITELY dead, or broken, but probably dead.

I ran through the waiting area into the back where I could hear her crying, pulling off my soaked coat and yelling "what happened to my baby?" I saw MG and my dad when I walked in from behind. MG was screaming, standing up in his lap and my dad was holding her and had been crying. She was BRIGHT red across her upper chest with two spots (2 of the 3 second degree second degree sections) already covered with some type of ointment. My dad was like "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". And I'm like "What HAPPENED to my baby"

I got the story above (hot water on her chest). through tears and fumbling around medical staff to get my MG from my dad to me. I was crying (obviously, right) and MG was crying (ditto). And the doctor was like "Mom it will be better for the baby if you leave. You're upsetting her".

Well. Mama don't play.

My response was "What would be best for her is for her to be with her mother. She's upset because she is hurt. She is reaching for ME". I held my baby. Doc didn’t mess with me again (and actually treated MG SO wonderfully. I can’t say enough)

Eventually, and I can't say when, the full story came out. She was sleeping in her stroller and someone bumped into someone else who was hold water fresh from a hot water machine. The water went right across her. My dad and his friend took her clothes off and poured (stolen) cool bottled water across the burned area. They ran her downstairs to my mom (basically on the way), who called the doctor as they brought her down and then joined them. She was essentially in a doctor's hands within 10 minutes of the accident.  They gave her pain reliever (a lot) and were just starting to apply medication and gauze when I arrived. It sounds like my arrival was about an hour after the burn occurred.

We were right at the cusp of being sent off the boat as a medical emergency. In retrospect, I think we would have been sent off if we were in a less remote port of call. We were in Costa Maya, Mexico which we were told is nearly 2 hours from a hospital that could have accommodate us. I left the infirmary with the intent of calling our pedi, and getting off the boat. I was talked down by the pedi and hub, but agreed to just one more day. Pedi said that she was probably better cared for on the  boat than she would be in a rural Mexican hospital and she didn't want us flying. She said burns develop over 24 hours, so no one would know what we were dealing with until the next morning and the boat’s med staff was doing everything she would.

I spent a miserable afternoon (still raining) playing cards and drinking beers.

I didn't get a first day picture, but we needed to bring her back to the clinic the next morning and I took the picture above.

The next morning we went to the clinic really early. We were the first ones there and they escorted us right in. I got my first full look at the burn. The section right above her right nipple was the worst. It was a hole which was white inside, I was told that indicated a third degree burn and that there were areas of second degree burn around it, and more second degree in her mid-chest and under her left armpit. Blisters were forming under her armpit. They put on an ointment and said that we could stay onboard since she was fever free and the non-3rd degree burn area looked “really good”. The burn overall was less severe than they were expecting. They credited the cool water poured on her immediately after the hot and the essentially immediate treatment with the docs. This day we were in Cozumel, Mexico and closer to a major airport and so a major hospital. I wanted to abandon ship (still). I was encouraged by our pedi (who I called back the second they opened) to stay on board, so long as our second opinion agreed. She had me call Boston's Shriners (which has a world renowned burn clinic). They said that everything we were doing is all they would do and they would see us the day after we arrived home. We went to the beach. MG hates the beach and was content to sit in the shade and play with my mom and hub. Kinsy LOVES the beach and the ocean, so I was with him.

We were due back to the clinic on ship the next morning (a sea day) for a ointment reapplication and bandage change. She looked much better across the majority of the burn, it looked more like a sun burn. The parts that were second/ third degree though looked awful. Poor MG. They were able to lessen her bandages to keep the less burned areas open to the air. Unfortunately, it made one section blister. I assume there was a healing blister that we didn’t see rise and start to heal, but when it rubbed on her clothes it tore. So we were down twice on our last full day on the boat and by the end of it she was back in the shirt style bandages.

That night we got our room bill and I was terrified. Cruises are notoriously expensive for clinic care on board (and you know, everything). I’ve heard 25$ for Band-Aids or aspirin and the like. However, they didn’t charge us a cent. Not for the time, the bandages, the Tylenol and motrin bottles they gave us, the ointment, or the percentage of the doctor’s salaries. Not one cent.  I was blown away by their care, regardless of the cost.  That they did it for free was truly surprising and wonderful and only amplifies the gratitude I feel for the care my sweet girl received.

We had one more check in the morning we were heading home (mixed feelings there, sad to leave behind vacation. Happy to get to our own MDs). Burns were redressed and remedicated. They still looked awful to me, but everyone was optimistic about her recovery. She stayed infection-free on board and one of the burns were stating to heal. This is what I was told when one of the second degree burn spots started to bleed. The third degree spot started to pink up around the edges (in the hole of the wound) which was taken as a great sign, and perhaps a sign that not all of the skin was dead inside (which would make it not third degree).

We headed home (long day, as travel days always are) and eagerly anticipated our appointment the next morning. I really can’t say enough about Shriner’s Boston. First off, parking is available and free. UNHEARD of in the city. They have heavy security and check us in and then sent us up with guide. Note to readers: Graphic. No experience I have ever had made me so deeply thankful for the life I have, after sitting in the waiting room of that hospital. The photos they display and testimonials are powerful. Some kids treated there have had devastating injuries. I almost felt self-conscious being there with my girl, who you couldn’t tell her injury in the waiting room (she had a shirt on). One young person had lost her hands and had badly burned arms, a little toddler lacked eyelids and most of his nose – all given over to burn tissue which covered his face.

We were not made to feel as if we didn’t belong there, however. Everyone was compassionate. The care team led us into a room and everyone introduced themselves, an MD (the same I spoke to in my panic on the ship), a nurse, a child life therapist who played with MG while we discussed her accident and a photographer- who took pictures of the burn while she was exposed. I was told that this is so whenever I called, and before any appointments they could look at her pictures and we would all be talking about the same thing. Simple, but smart, right?

They asked us to describe the burn, and I did them one better and showed them the pictures I had taken. They were pleased that I had done so and while each person inspected the photos in turn the MD explained that they like to keep the wounds covered as much as possible, so knowing what it looked like let them prep their tools. Based on the photos they outlined 2 options- one for if she needed significant wound cleaning and one if she didn’t. They told us that to speed care and pain, they would talk to us only minimally, but would recap everything after. I held MG on my lap, who did cry, but not terribly. Fortunately, they were very pleased with the way the burn looked and she needed minimal touching of the burn areas, limiting the crying. They put on a silver pad over the whole chest and wrapped her in a crazy dressing. She did look adorable though.

They asked us to leave the pad on until the next week when we would see them again- 2 weeks after the accident. We were told the two critical windows are the first 24 hours, when the goal is to stop the burn process and 2 weeks after, when they can tell from healing what additional interventions will be needed, if any.

They told us that MG’s aftercare was excellent and that they expected much worse injury given the location, size and method of burn. They said without a doubt the cool water being put on her so quickly and the medical care on the boat saved her from surgery and probably any significant scaring. They said that at the next appointment they would give a better idea of future expectations.

We were supposed to keep hands (and so eyes) off the burn, easier said than done. Over the next several days I took a few peeks. There was signs of healing as it started to scab over. (yuck).

Finally the appointment arrived. We followed much of the same process as with the first appointment, without the introductions. They took off the dressing and the pad and they were REALLY pleased with the healing. They replaced the giant bandages with a small covering just for the part over the nipple (which was bleeding, and they were thrilled). The rest was to be massaged and covered in aquaphor twice a day and whenever it felt dry. The other dressing could come off when the scab was gone.

They said that the majority should heal with no scarring at all. The place above her nipple had a chance of healing without issue, but would remain red for 6 months to a year and would act as a mood ring- reddening when hot or agitated. After that, we would be able to tell more clearly what it would be like long term. They said they doubted she would need surgery as puberty hits and her chest begins to expand, and anticipate needing laser treatments at most if it puckers as she grows. They released us from care and MG picked a present from a treasure chest. (A hand-sewn pillowcase with boats on it. I laughed at the irony)

It's been about 8 months now and she looks GREAT. If you didn't know, I doubt on an average day you could even tell she was burned. If she gets overheated or too cold, has been crying or running laps it does get redder. I think it's SUPER sensitive, even with tons of sunblock and a sun shirt the burn gets red if she’s in the sun (just in one place, not the whole thing). There are 2 areas, the one over her nipple and the one in the center of her chest that are a little rougher than the rest of her. Overall though, she healed REALLY well. We couldn’t be more thankful for the excellent care she received both on the ship (by lay people and medical staff!) and back in Boston at Shriners. 

Go Big...or Go Home!

Go Big OR 

Hub and I have always done things in bunches. He came home from war, closed on our home (two days later!), I changed jobs, he got one and we started TTC within 5 months back in 2014. A few years later we were expecting kinsy, renovating the living room and hallways of our home, I was completing the last of my Master's program and hub headed back to school. So it's no surprise that now we're doing a bunch of big crazy things:

I'm 35 (!!!) weeks pregnant, our kitchen remodel is starting to wrap up (finally), we are both working on major projects at work and..

we bought a vacation home!

Go Home (North)

A few snaps from our new New England Hide-away.

Kids' room

Us on purchase day

* not our lake. 

entry way

Dining area and (empty) livingrooom

Amazing ice cream place down the street

Kids playing out front (have 3 acres, play in the driveway...)

This is the back of the house

"Monthly" Pregnancy Update: 32 Weeks

Commentary: Still working on the kitchen (the pit of sadness). BUT we have walls! with paint on them. And cabinets, without doors on them.

Baby's size: Armadillo 

How far along? 

32 weeks! I can't believe it!

Total weight gain/loss:

I'm up about 13 pounds. Feeling really heavy. 

Maternity clothes?

Yes. I’m HUGE.

Sleep:

Very, very tired. MG still doesn't sleep through the night. It's getting hard to sleep because I'm so uncomfortable. The two combined aren't working well. 

Best moment this month:

Baby was breech at the 30 week u/s but turned at 31. Hoping baby is still vertex at my ultrasound tomorrow. 

Have you told family and friends:

Yes, if I see them in real life. For the most part though, the news isn't on social media or anything like that.

Movement:

Yes, consistent and strong, starting to hurt at times. 

Food cravings:

Chocolate, ice cream, deviled ham sandwiches

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. still. Always. 

Have you started to show yet:

You know it

Gender prediction?

Boy is my gut instinct still

Happy or Moody most of the time:
Happy!

Bellybutton:
Getting very flat-ish

Rings?
On, but I have taken them off a few times at night- to be fair it's 97 today. SO. HOT.

Miss anything:

Beer, wine, eating a normal amount. Shaving with the ability to see what I'm doing

Looking forward to:

We're buying a vacation home on Friday!!!!!!!!

Struggling: My troubled mind

Sigh.

I try to keep a happy face, particularly in this miraculous pregnancy. But I am really struggling.

I can't put a finger on why. Exhaustion? Fear? Overwhelmed with work and home life? Frustration with our continued lack of a kitchen? Missing my people while I'm busy with the new job/ busy kids etc? All of the above?

The straw that broke me was finding a deer tick embedded in MG. We went to a family wedding on Saturday- in the woods. (obligatory adorable wedding picture of the kiddos)

The kids played with their new, distant cousins all day in grass. We came home to them sleeping so popped them in bed. I thought I gave them a bath on Sunday.. but I guess not? Monday we had a bath, but Tuesday morning we found the tick burrowed in. I assume it was there from Saturday and burrowed in Sunday or Monday before bath time? Which means it was there with plenty of time to get a full meal off my little girl and transmit Lyme if infected (36-ish hours).

We called the pedi (actually to be clear my parents found it, googled treatment course, waited for hub to come home, told him about it, they all waited for me to come home told me and I said "So who called the pedi"... crickets) pedi said MG is too little to have preventative abx so we just have to wait a month and do a blood test. So the internet was right and it wasn't actually a "call the pedi right now" situation... but it was to me. I'm going to die.

I can't handle this. I hate waiting. I hate the worry. I have crushing anxiety in pregnancy anyway. This is putting me out of my mind.  What if she has Lyme? I'll feel horrible, and responsible. I know we live in the Northeast and that this is the reality of outdoor living here. But MG is my baby.

I know this doesn't sound reasonable. Lyme is treatable and we are watching her so it isn't going to go untreated... but I can't help my worried mind.


I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down

EBD 6: Divine Providence

Another Year. In another time and place I would have a 6 year old.

I actually am at work today. I think it’s the first EBD that I came into the office. I think I should have stayed home. Way back when I had a rule “No crying at work” I no longer bother with that rule, which is a good thing on days like today.

I was ok, sad and cranky, but ok- until I read the May 31^st posts of the past. This is a complicated feeling: Grief and longing mixing with joy at the family I have built and relief that I didn’t bring a child into the world to quickly and painfully pass away. As time passes I am more sure of my decision, it was the right one for our family. That eases the burden.

Also easing my burden this year: the baby I carry. A true miracle. I say that with the full gravity of that word. A naturally conceived, chromosomally and structurally normal baby. With my DOR, POF, and an additional 7 YEARS my eggs have managed what they couldn’t at 28. They said at the time it was a fluke, and then in the IVF process I was told Blue Sunday’s T18 and my infertility were connected. (They were kind enough to not say my fault). This baby feels like it was meant to be. A cosmic apology, divine providence.

This is probably fueling my boy vibe, Blue Sunday, Liberty always imagined as boys.

So here’s to you Blue Sunday. Wishing today and always that you know the depth of my love and know that I wish we were celebrating today and not quietly mourning. 

Monthly Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

Commentary:

You may have noted that I have updated these to Monthly update instead of bi-monthly. Time goes too quickly to do this every 2 weeks! 

Baby's size:

Axolot

How far along? 

20 weeks! Cue Journey

Total weight gain/loss:

Even with my starting weight! 

Maternity clothes?

Yes. I’m HUGE.

Sleep:

Very, very tired. My back is done for and I can't sleep. 

Best moment this month:

We had a great anatomy scan, which I posted about already. I felt baby move on the outside at 18w6d- Lib gave me some reassurance on the hardest day of pregnancy

Have you told family and friends:

Yes, and if they weren’t told and they can see me- they’ll know!

Movement:

Yes, fairly consistant but not strong enough to be painful. Happy days

Food cravings:

No.  I hate food

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. I am less sick now- but still vomit occasionally

Have you started to show yet:

You know it

Gender prediction?

Boy is my gut instinct

Happy or Moody most of the time:

I've been grumpy. My back is KILLING ME (still) and I am tired.

Miss anything:

Beer, wine, chicken

Looking forward to:

Memorial day weekend! 3.5 days off of work woo-hoo

18 weeks 6 days and Anatomy Scan: - 4th time around

Here we are. The very last time I will be 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Also the last day I will ever have been pregnant 4 times. From here on out, I'll only have been there 3 times. 

With kins, I rehashed the first time I was 18+6 this time, I can just refer you there. With MG I was prepping for vacation and a big work meeting and didn’t want to dwell. This time, everything is causing a little nostalgia. This is it, there will almost certainly be no additional babies for me. I was leaving the door open after MG, and happily someone walked through it! But I don’t think we will try for a fourth living child, in fact, we’ll be preventing. It’s certainly bittersweet.

We had a great ultrasound yesterday and we truly believe we are on the path to a healthy child. Anything can happen in pregnancy, of course, but all test results have come in normal, all ultrasounds have looked good. We had the 18 week scan yesterday and baby Liberty is looking healthy and whole. Liberty was bopping around in there. I was having Braxton-hicks contractions which we could see but I couldn’t feel at all. Lib looks like his/her siblings!

I’ll never be at marker in pregnancy 4 times again, and yesterday was the last time I will be in the U/S room where we saw Blue Sunday for the first and last times. We will probably never see the ultrasound tech again either (though I promised to send her a picture of Lib with his/her siblings and one of his/her feet- we spent some time yesterday talking about how both kids have hub’s (gross) feet. (Kinsy will be fine, but poor MG, pedicures are going to be necessary. LOL. I digress) We’re transitioning care to the midwife with our next appointment. I have been in the crazy hybrid of care: my OB/GYN is my primary, but she doesn’t deliver anymore (she’s really seeing me as a favor since she was with me for Blue Sunday and understands my fear of Next Tuesday with a surprise pregnancy). MFM for ultrasounds, and testing. He, the MFM, said if I were his patient I would have an ultrasound every appointment and he would see me every 3 weeks until 3^rd tri and then every 2! SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I like the midwife model of care, though and I know I feel comfortable with her. I am considering a more natural childbirth this go-round, so midwife probably works better for me. Though I am sad at giving up more ultrasounds. We might not see Lib again until he/she is on the outside!!! We had one ultrasound post anatomy scan with kinsy for growth at 30 ish weeks because I was measuring off and one for MG because she was naughty and breech. Both kids we had due-date ish ultrasounds to check fluids, but if I look good (measuring well) and go a little early (PLLLLLLLLEEEEAASSSSSEEEEE)- that could be it! I did- finally get the perfect U/S shot (only took 4 pregnancies!):

It is sad and exciting, as I begin to close the pregnancy chapter of my life. Sad: as I leave Blue Sunday behind in one more way. In a few hours I can say good-bye forever to 18 weeks 6 days of pregnancy and with it one of the major milestones I measure pregnancy by. Exciting: as I step closer to meeting my Liberty, completing my family and starting the pure parenting part of my life. 

Monthly Pregnancy Update: Week 16

Commentary:

16 weeks, 1 day. Time FLIES

Baby's size:

Philippine tarsier

How far along? 

16 weeks, 1 day. Time FLIES

Total weight gain/loss:

Down 3 pounds. I’ve gained a few from my lowest so I guess that’s good.  

Maternity clothes?

Yes. I’m HUGE.

Sleep:

Very, very tired

Best moment this fortnight:

I can feel baby moving now, that’s always so exciting J

Have you told family and friends:

Yes, and if they weren’t told and they can see me- they’ll know!

Movement:

Here and there. I wish it was more often to keep from being worried.

Food cravings:

Still don’t get these. boo

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. I’m a little less sick for the last week or two. I’m only throwing up two or three times a week.

Have you started to show yet:

Yep. I’m a pregnant looking lady. I am dreading someone asking me when I’m due and needing to tell them October. I was never this big with Blue Sunday, and probably not this large with Kinsy until 23/24 weeks ish. I’ll have do comparisons at some point.

Gender prediction?

I think boy, but this is SWAG.(LOL I ALWAYS think it’s a boy early)

Happy or Moody most of the time:

I've been grumpy. My back is KILLING ME. Not from this baby, but from MG and rocking her in her rocking chair that we don’t fit in. I have to slump over. Ouch

Miss anything:

Beer as always. Also wine. And normal food.

Looking forward to:

I have an appointment on Tuesday, just bloodwork and general check no ultrasound. We are taking a night away on Saturday- Kinsy and hub are going to Monster Jam (the monster truck show), MG and I will be in the pool at the hotel. That will be nice.  

Not baby related: Kinsy started T-ball and he has two games a week for the next several week. He’s only had one so far, but they are cute and really fun. 

The Dreaded NT Scan

Of the things I love about pregnancy the NT scan is not one of them. To be honest I don’t even like it. It is just stress.  Bad memories, fear and the unknown. Things were OK with MG, but we knew (within reason) that she was OK. So, I was a ball of stress leading up to the appointment. Unfortunately, the day before was Easter, so we had an extended family day. I ask my mom and husband to lay off all baby talk and end the conversation if it came up with anyone else. Everyone was respectful of my wishes, so that was good. (It is sort of hard to ignore. This is from Easter)

My appointment was mid-morning so I took the day off, hub went into work late in the afternoon. It was a LONG day. First I met with the MFM. I had mixed feelings about seeing him again.  He was the doc that did the amnio (that's the link) and the one who called with the news- all I remember of that call was "this is a T18 baby". I didn’t talk to hub about the pros and cons of staying with this MFM or going to the place with Next Tuesday. Though I did it with MG, I knew she was OK, so it felt less risky. So though he gave me a few flashbacks, I thought he was a better option than Next Tuesday.

So I went in to see the MFM and we talked for a long time, about pregnancy health in general, genetics and my past history (aka Blue Sunday and out fertility history). We decided to do the NIPT (which I would have insisted on anyway). He also ordered all my pregnancy labs- my GYN knew my labs were relatively up to date and decided we could wait 3 weeks to do the standard screenings. I went down to the Quest lab downstairs to have the SEVEN vials drawn- 2 for NIPT, 5 for all else. Good thing I’m a blood draw veteran.

We went back up to the MFM to give him the NIPT blood (I felt odd walking up 6 flights with vials of my own blood). Then it was time for the ultrasound.

Back to the ultrasound room where we first and last saw Blue Sunday. Again with the MFM and Linda the ultrasound tech by our side. Like with MG, this baby was very apparently snoozing when we first peeked in and I though baby was without a heartbeat. Linda poked me a little and baby moved and we could see the heart beating. PHEW. Heartbeat was a good 171 and baby was active. Measurements went quickly (much more cooperative than MG!).  I was obsessively trying to see the measurements as they flashed onscreen (though I get them at the end anyway). Baby was measuring ahead, 2 full days!, about 6.7cm. The NT was between 1.5 to 1.8 (interestingly the reported value was not the average as it was for all other measurements but the highest). Still 1.8 is well within normal. The MFM did mention that it was about the 70^th percentile, which scared me, but my mind was set at ease later.

The MFM stayed for the vast majority of the scan, sometimes asking to look at particular regions. At one point Linda asked us the genders of our kids at home and we laughed that we really didn’t care about the gender wither way (for more than one reason honestly). The she asked “Are you going  to find out the gender this time?” We said no, but I asked “Do you know”? and she said “Oh yes!” and laughed, as did the MFM. Apparently we’re the only ones in the dark!

After the scan was complete, we went back up to the MFM’s office. He felt that the NT looked good. He also had done a mini, early anatomy scan and could confirm that the baby has two kidneys, 2 halves of the heart beginning to differentiate into 4 chambers and a healthy looking brain and spine. All good news. He wants me back for the real anatomy scan at 18 weeks (since I go on Mondays, I’ll actually be almost 19).

THEN I went back to my GYN, who told us more about the NT in general. I said I was a little nervous about being in the 70^th percentile and she said NT alone is a really poor indicator of fetal health. Really high values can be normal and unfortunately low values can still be concerning. That the scan was good overall is a positive, but a big NT doesn’t always point to something. There was a study done that actually had to be stopped where women were referred for invasive testing based on NT alone. Nearly 20% of women were being sent over and the vast majority had babies with no issues.  SO I felt better about the 70^th percentile, since even in the 90^th most babies are still OK (which I know, but it’s nice to hear).

We get results from the NIPT 7-10 business days- so Wed-Fri next week. 

Monthly Update: 12 Weeks

(Yeah, I'm posting this from the future. I wrote at 12 weeks, but my photo app is having issues)
Commentary:
12 weeks and 6 days. I waiting until after the dreaded NT scan to post this. 

Baby's size:
6.69cm as of yesterday! (That's 2.6 inches)

How far along?  

12 weeks (and 6 days)! On short time in the First Trimester

Total weight gain/loss:

Down 5 pounds. Not too awful (last time I was down 12 at this point)

Maternity clothes?

Yes. For weeks now. I just wear poncho style tops and maternity pants. It's breezy if I wear a normal-length  non-maternity top. yikes

Sleep:

MG still sleeps with me. Things are rough. 

Best moment this fortnight:

NT scan went well :) Fingers crossed for good blood work results.

Have you told family and friends:

Most friends and family. I just told a work manager today. I'll tell my (new) boss on Thursday when we have a meeting

Movement:

Nah- a few more weeks to go. 

Food cravings:

Once in a while I want something specific (not really odd) but usually I don't want to eat anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Yeah. All the things.

Seriously: almost all meat all the time. I can't eat any lettuces or raw veggies. I couldn't keep pasta with red sauce down yesterday. 

Have you started to show yet:

Oh yes- 4th pregnancy yipes!

Still in the kitchen remodel....

Gender prediction?

I think boy, but this is SWAG. (I have been wrong on every early gender guess. Come back at 24 weeks if you want my solid guess. - by then I was right every time. 

Happy or Moody most of the time:

Just scared and sick unfortunatly. 

Miss anything: 
Eating without fear. Not vomiting. 

Looking forward to: 
Getting the NIPT results at the end of next week. It's my focus now. 

I'm a Survivor

Survivor’s Guilt.

Here I am 12 weeks pregnant all on my own. It's hard to believe sometimes (most of the time). I can't quite get over that I am the person all those people told me about when I was in treatment.

"If you stop trying, it will happen. That's what my cousin, Imaginary Friend, did"

"May be you could drink and relax on vacation and you'll come home KTFU. My best friend from K1 (that I haven't seen since) had that happen!"

"My friend so-and-so didn't even have a uterus and she did some voodoo shit and has 12 kids now!"

I made the last one up, but you know what I mean.

Now I'm the anecdote.  I'm 1 and 2. OMFG. I HATE it. I feel terrible that I could be used to "cheer someone up" or "give them hope" when they are thinking "That can't be me because XYZ" (And XYZ can be literally true (no uterus) or figuratively true (Premature Ovarian Failure and shitty, shitty egg quality [aka me]) and it doesn't feel any less impossible.

I'm a 34 year old infertile woman who was NOT trying and is now having an unplanned, natural pregnancy. I did three round of IVF and came up with one embryo. ONE. It's hard to talk about this pregnancy.

The IF world pulls in women from all walks of life, who are in the world for many different reasons. We are all however, bonded in the loss of a natural, easy pregnancy. Except when we aren't.

Except when you’re me. 

10 Weeks Again, Again

Comparing 10 weeks at all 3 4 pregnancies (I explained why here). Just read the red highlights for this time. 

Commentary:

11/3/11-So excited! Double digit weeks down :)

This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how quickly that went by. I guess I didn't even know I was pregnant until 6 weeks and 3 days ago. We found out on September 19th (though I knew on September 18th, I just didn't test). Chris finds the 1/4 thought "scary". Not exactly the adjective I was going for. Hopefully he'll get use to the idea of being daddy soon!

6/7/13- So excited! Double digit weeks down :)

This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how long this is taking or how stressed I am. And to think, I've only suspected I was pregnant for 6 weeks 4 days. I suspected on April 22nd. Chris is so, so excited to be 1/4 of the way through. He really can't wait for this baby to be deemed healthy and born into our lives.

2/26/16- How, how am I 10 weeks?! I guess time speeds up when you have a little one already at home. I can only focus on this pregnancy in my downtime- which is rare.
3/20/18- I'm pregnant? Oh yeah... I'm deeply in denial (waiting out the NT scan). I could forget if it wasn't for the nausea. And vomiting. 

How far along?  

11/3/11- 10 weeks today!

6/7/13- Ditto

2/26/16- Trippo
3/20/18- I'm actually almost 11 weeks. 

Total weight gain/loss:

11/3/11-Last check was -10, I may be up a few again now that I can eat!!

6/7/13- No Change

2/26/16- --9, as of this morning. IVF weight, don’t get nervous- also I usually can’t eat.

3/20/18-  -4 as of this morning. I'm too sick to eat from the afternoon on. I haven't both eaten dinner and kept it down in weeks.

Maternity clothes?

11/3/11-Not on me, but I did buy a few. Hey! There was a good sale :)

6/7/13- Ditto

2/26/16- Well this is a big change. I’ve grown much more quickly this go-round. I feel like it is so obvious, though no one has said anything to me outside of family.  Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror, try and suck it in, and realize I cannot even though I lost nearly double digit pounds. Most bottoms don’t fit. The other day I wore open pants and a blanket poncho shirt thing to work. Today a dress and maternity leggings. I am hoping to get to the NT scan just under 2 weeks from now before being obvious about it at work. 6 more work days, bring on the ponchos!
3/20/18- I am fairly sure I'm showing. I just keep wearing big clothes to work. My supervisor is leaving ( :( ) so I am going to push to be promoted. Don't want them to know about the baby before then.

Sleep:

11/3/11-Sooooo tired. I had to miss class on Tuesday because of exhaustion. I have crazy dreams when I do get to sleep.

6/7/13-  Super tired. I go to bed at 9:15

2/26/16- I didn’t know what tired was. Shut up past Lizzy. Between kins, work, house upkeep and the nausea pills I’m bone tired.
3/20/18- MG sleeps in my bed still. I haven't slept properly in 2 years. 

Best moment this week:

11/3/11-Telling a few more of our friends on Saturday.

 6/7/13- I found the heartbeat on doppler on Tuesday! That was really exciting. My OB says this increases our chance of taking home a baby to 95%. I can't get that 5% out of my head.

2/26/16- Much like with kins, I found the heartbeat on Doppler on Saturday- 9w1d!
3/20/18- Found the heartbeat this time at 8+6. That was exciting. I have a tiny bit of spotting this time, so I check often. No issues yet.

Have you told family and friends:

11/3/11- The rest of the family will be told after Monday's ultrasound.(Editor's note- this is the line that made me the saddest. That scan SUCKED, more so in retrospect. NT of 2.9/3.5 depending on who measured)

6/7/13- Almost everyone knows at this point. We tell, since we're really open people, and like drinking alcohol.

2/26/2016- Most close friends and our families know. Work and less-close friends do not- also, anyone we haven’t seen. We don’t plan on a facebook announcement (didn’t last time either).

3/20/18- I told my 7 close girl friends (we have a group text) and a few others here and there. Our parents and siblings, my soon-to-be-ex-boss and my direct reports also know. Normally I wouldn't tell work so early, but my boss and I are close and we have a BIG deliverable this year (asking the FDA to approve another of our drugs by year end) so I didn't feel right not telling my team. 
I am doing a FB announcement this time- assuming our genetic results are good. Probably after the 20 week scan. 

Movement:

11/3/11- Not that I can feel. I'll check that the bugger can move it move it on Monday

6/7/13- I saw the baby moving on the u/s last week, so I know it is capable. I'm actually excited about this, I felt movement early with Blue Sunday- about 16 weeks- and he was a very non-active baby.

2/26/16- It seemed like baby was moving when I listened on Doppler- but I don’t think I’ll feel it for several more weeks.

3/20/18- Not that I can feel. 

Food cravings:

11/3/11-No, but I DO feel like eating again. Yay!!!!

6/7/13- No, I eat when and what I can. The sickness returned with a vengeance after a week or two reprieve last time, so I'm just getting in what I can.

2/26/16- Please don’t make me. I am on the digleics, which make some food possible. Today I’ve had 1/3 of a bagel and it’s almost 3pm.
3/20/18- I can usually get down some carb for breakfast. After that I don't eat, much less crave anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:

11/3/11- Toothpaste. Otherwise I'm improving.

6/7/13-All meat :(

2/26/16- Eve .Ry. Thing.
3/20/18- Last night both kids threw up in their beds. So that. Also, everything else. 

Have you started to show yet:

11/3/11- I just look bloated, same as last week. I am getting hard just over my pubic bone :)

6/7/13-This is a major difference actually, my uterus is already up about a half-an-inch below my belly button. I can see and feel a bump, but with my extra weight since last time and the small enlargement- only hub and I can tell.

2/26/16- I can tell! I feel other people can too, but no one has said except my parents and hub.
3/20/18- I feel like yes, but I could just be fat. 

Gender prediction?

11/3/11-Still feeling boy.

6/7/13- Thinking pink!!

2/26/16- I didn’t peak in the envelope, so we don’t know. I’ve handed it over to my midwife, so opportunity is lost. We want to be surprised. At this point, I have no idea. Last time, I thought kins was a girl until 16 or 18 weeks. Then I settled on boy and stayed there.
3/20/18- I feel like boy, just because that would be much less convenient. MG will be be 2 years and 2 weeks older if baby comes on due date. So all her clothes will be the right season. 

Happy or Moody most of the time:

11/3/11- I am happy, but I cry randomly. I had a case of road rage Friday. This guy on a stupid headset was trying to take a left across a lane of traffic. He went through the light after the turn arrow had shut off, and blocked my lane of traffic. I was the first car. So I angled my car in front of him and drove until there was no room. He gives me this finger wag "no, no, no" thing and I BLEW UP. I was miming You (pointing at him) suck (hand job, mouth movement) at driving (miming driving) . Then I yelled I hope he died, reconsidered and said someone you love, felt that was still to mean and said I hope your pet died. Then changed that to fish.. Ending with "I hope your favorite fish dies". Then I cried. Awesome.

6/7/13- As my dad would say: I am "nowheres-near" as emotional as I was last time. I am however, scared witless.

2/26/16- I’m a raging jerk. Horrible. Angry and short. I think it’s hunger/nausea and exhaustion. 

3/20/18- Just tired. So tired. 

Baby is the size of a

2/26/16- Green olive/ grape Cute!
3/20/18- Green olive/ grape but on the big side since I'm almost 11 weeks.

Miss anything: 
2/26/16: Food. Especially the C word (chicken gag gag)

3/20/18: Digesting food. 

Looking forward to

2/26/16: NT scan on the 9^th (far off goal!), but I leave today for my cousin’s bachelorette party in New Hampshire. So that will be fun! I haven’t been away from kins since the wedding in September!

3/20/18- NT scan is the prize right now. 1.5 weeks. Then I can plan my life. 

Maybe I'm Amazed: Microblogging Monday

I feel like I could just plagiarize my own post from here (MG's first ultrasound).

There was a heartbeat. And a baby. Measuring RIGHT where I thought it should be. It put my LMP date 1/3/2018... the First Wednesday of an Even Year. UN-BE-LIEVEABLE.

We have our NT scan on 4/2/2018 (the day after Easter and the day before my cousin's due date)


Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time 
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you 
Paul McCartney, Maybe I'm Amazed

Waiting on a Moment: Microblogging Monday

Waiting for my appointment - and ultrasound- is torture. I'm a big fan of stress eating. I just had 1/2 a container of onion dip and chips. Hub and I have called onion dip stress dip since it's my go-to for stress snacking. Unfortunatly, I'm nauseous. So I'll regret that soon.

Tick tick.

Waiting to check on my huge, tiny in size surprise.

(Have I mentioned my last natural pregnancy was 6 years ago- Blue Sunday. I'm I insane for this hope growing?)

First Week of January Strikes Again

Buckle Up.

So I have posted that the first week of January on even numbered years for the past 6 years have been eventful.

2012- termination
2014- due date and eventually birth of Kins.
2016- transfer of MG

This year, 2018, we nearly lost our 12 year old Lab Puck (but we didn't!)

I had this theory that I would have a few years of good things on Even Year Januaries to make up for the Big Bad Thing. Since this was bad-turned-good, I thought MAY BE we were done with events in January all together. Then we went on vacation and MG was burned by spilled hot water. I'll post separately about it but basically she had a scald burn on her chest covering about 9% of her body- a mix of first and second degree. They almost sent us off the boat. However they didn't and docs at home think she's going to be just fine. Phew.

So then I thought- well two big things in January - may be that's enough for my streak to be satisfied. With a return to bad, may be I can have normal Even Year Januaries from now on. Then... then Thursday February 1st happened.

Guys. I'm pregnant.

I guess the universe is still trying to give me good things to make up for the big bad thing in 2012.

Six Years Gone- Watershed Wednesdays

Somehow it has been 6 years since the last day Blue Sunday and I were together.

Six. Years.

There was a time I didn't think I would survive 6 days, or 6 minutes for that matter. I very clearly remember laying in bed right after the diagnosis wishing time would pass in a literal flash. That I could somehow find myself some time ahead, where the pain wouldn't be so raw.

Here I am, not a flash (though sometimes it feels that way!). "Time heals all wounds" was clearly coined by an observer and not the wounded. Time has healed over the worst of the wound but the damage is deep. No one can see it but me I think.

Hub did mention Blue Sunday, in the obtuse way he does. I appreciated that. There is nothing worse than being the only one who remembers. Overall though, Blue Sunday's time, from Boxing day through the 4th of January passed with only me silently marking the days.

The trend of Watershed Wednesdays occurring on the first Wednesday of January every even year continued:

1/4/12- Termination day
1/8/14- Kin's was born!
1/6/16- MG was transfered
1/4/18- We almost lost our dog

It sounds less dramatic, but there were several hours where I thought we wold be putting down my dog Puck on Wednesday 1/4. She is a 13 year old lab who very suddenly declined. We brought her to the emergency vet and they found a tumor in her abdomen. We thought it was widespread cancer. Turns out she has Addison's disease which was causing her rapid weightloss and lethargy. We think the mass is benign but can't confirm until she is stable on her new medication.

Hub feels like we dodged a bullet. I feel like the universe decided that date has enough negatives already attached to it and we were given a break. Who knows- may be Blue Sunday played a role in getting this to turn out well for us. I like to think of him as a little guardian for our family.

Either way- here's to you my lost friend. Where ever you are, I hope it is comfortable and safe. You'll always be my first baby. And I'll always be your mom. I did my best for you, and I always will.

Our Christmas card this year had all three of my kids in it (in their own way):

The Ornament right above MG's is in honor of Blue Sunday. You can't see here but there are little blue birds on the arms of a woman looking up at the sky.

Goals 2017: Year End!

Quarterly Update #4

1) Take some time off from family planning and enjoy the family I’ve built.

Enjoy the wonderful kids (and hub!) I have.

Update 1-More or less. I have not really re-started my cycle (I had it once, when I had the stomach virus, but not since). I have mentioned trying again, again once or twice. Hub eventually suggested seeing a couples therapist.. so we’re pretty far apart in what we want additional kid wise:/
Update 2- I'm going to do this as of June, since I missed updating then. At that point, this was still a win. I FULLY enjoy the two kids I'm raising and trying not to focus on the one more I want. 
I want another baby. I am trying not to focus on it. I do know that I am in my fertile window. I didn't do an ovulation test. Partial win? I mentioned another baby to hub- he floated adoption. I'm excited about that.
Mostly a success :) We didn't TTC, we didn't go back to the clinic. But things are changing in 2018. Obviously more to come on that front. 

Final Verdict: DONE!!

2) Read 12 books. Any books. Enjoy them.

I’ve read 2 and am starting a third:

The Whistler

Apprentice in Death

Don't You Cry (slightly behind)
The Good Girl
Big Little Lies
Startup: A Novel
A Drink Before the War (on track)
The Body of Christopher Cross
A Man Called Ove (on track)
What Alice Forgot
The Wrong Mother
The Rooster Bar

Final Verdict: DONE!! (I also read 4 additional books on my ipad.. but they were really terrible YA books (that were free) so I'm not counting them)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago 3 years ago.

I HAVE been running fairly consistently, with Hub still in school I can really only run Thurs-Sun, and I’m not really in the shape to run 4 days in a row. I aim for 3 runs in 7 days, but have been getting 3 runs in 8. Not too bad. I should be on week 11 of a 10K app, so this is in reach
I was close. I ran it in 34 minutes. I know that isn't THAT close, but it's the fastest I've ever run a 5k. I have signed up for a 10k in October. So I am being consistent with running. That's more important than speed.
I ran a 5K in 31 minutes!! Closer and closer! It was part of a 10K- which I finished in 1:16 (even). Though that is a pretty terrible time given my first half, it is a full 3 minutes faster than I was 9 years, 3 rounds of IVF, 6 medicated cycles, 3 pregnancies and 2 kids ago! WIN 

Final Verdict: Not technically, but I've come a long way in running, so I'm OK with it. 

4) Pay down 30,000 in debt and keep up with other money goals (college savings, retirement etc)- we’re doing Dave Ramsey-ish. Working successfully so far.

Yes! I got a nice bonus and we’ve been really good with budgeting so we’re more than ½ way to goal 
This was done, but then we booked a cruise for  September. That will be paid before we leave so we should be good for the year. 
WIN 

We added more (0% interest)  debt, but it was for #5 below... and we are still down more than 30,000 in total debt. 

Final Verdict: DONE!!

5) Re-do the kitchen- at long last.

I REALLY hope this is this year, but I am waiting for a good price to sell some stock. All depends on the market.

We decided not to sell stock at the most recent opportunity. Will reassess next time. We don’t want to make the decision to sell and regret it. Clearly the kitchen is work-able- we’ve been in our home for 6 years.     

Once again considering selling stock and pulling the trigger on this project. To be determined.      
See above 

Drumroll--- in progress!!!!!!!!! We haven't started tearing things out but planning and purchasing is in progress. Tear out starts Sunday (after Kins' birthday party on Saturday). As an aside, we chose not the sell the stock. 

Final Verdict: In the works!

6) A few health goals: Lose 10 pounds, start yoga, keep up with vitamins, cut back on caffeine (down two 2 cups of tea and one other caffeinated item per day).

Big fail. I guess this needs to be my focus.

I did remember my vitamins though!
Working on it! I've been good with the gym, OK with the caffeine. 

Fail. 

Final Verdict: HUGE FAIL. HUGE. 2018 here I come 

7) Become involved in my community. How? TBD. 

This is still a question mark.. thinking about it though
I'm getting involved with stuff for kins. This is becoming my community involvement.
Harder than I thought.. Going to more community events, but not true involvement. 

I have gone to community events.. but I don't consider that a real win.

Final Verdict: Surprise Fail. 

Overall: This was a good year for goals. I failed in the 2 vaguest ones, so that's a good takeaway for next year. I'm very proud of sticking to reading (it is hard to carve out time with 2 little ones, and harder still to not just pick up the phone and play a game)