Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Queen of Wishful Thinking

There is a part of me that is scared writing this post. I am trying to drop my belief in superstition, karma, whatever you'd like to call it. It is hard to be the type who feels the need to make a wish on dropped pennies, wear the same outfit while sitting in the same seat for sporting events, and avoid mention of certain topics while also being the type of person who doesn't believe (bad) things happen for a reason and that a positive outlook doesn't influence anything. I'm a control freak by nature and grasping at the small things I can control makes me feel like I can influence the outcome of, for example, my hub's trip to war, my teams' playoff runs and my baby's chromosomal make-up. But I know they don't. Logic always gets me in the end.

Today I am two days past where I started bleeding with Blue Sunday. I'm not bleeding, still pregnant and feeling nauseous but okay.

I celebrate every difference, thinking it means there will be a different outcome- more magical thinking. I had a small bleed last time, they thought a small separation of the placenta from the uterine wall. They said it was a 50/50 shot I would lose the baby. It's ironic, we over came 50% but 20% got us in the end.

Take Two got me out of serving on a jury today. I have always wanted to be impaneled, but this was a civil case on whether or not to let someone labeled a sexually dangerous person out of the treatment center. Not sure I can be impartial in letting free a man who has a preference for victimizing kids while carrying my own. Fortunately, we had a questionnaire of several pages, one question of which I could honestly answer with "I have a time sensitive prenatal appointment tomorrow" and gave an outline of Blue Sunday and the testing we're doing with Take Two. This truly is the busiest 2 weeks for the testing- free cell DNA, AFP and NT all fall this week. I did get brought in front of the judge, but she let me go on just that one question. I was there from 8-3 just waiting to be called into see her, and it lasted a minute. Now I am enjoying a hot earl gray tea and a big cookie waiting for hub to get out of work. He is conveniently working around the corner from the courthouse. We got to have lunch together today, which was a nice treat.

Take Two gave me quite the scare last night. I tried to find her on the fetal Doppler and got nothing in 20 minutes of searching. I knew I had just had a glass of caffeinated soda and dinner, so I really did think she was just wiggling around in there. Still, it was a mostly sleepless night. First thing this morning I tried again and there she was hummingbird beat thrumming away.

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no
That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Go West, King of Wishful Thinking

(Have I used this one before? It would have been so perfect in the bad, old days)

I've got to go now, I see three pennies dropped on the patio outside of this cafe, I have a wish that will be perfect for them.

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