Monday, September 22, 2014

We've come to the end of the road

Though I can't let go. 

This blog is no longer an anonymous space. 

This means several, important things. 

First, I have hurt someone (or several someones... I don't know that it is just one person or multiple people) that I care about deeply.  That was never, ever my intention. This space was so that I could say what I feel without hurting people. Getting my nasty, hurt, jealous feelings out so that the other kind, normal feelings could be the ones I air publicly. Just to say one thing so it is clear for anyone reading this: there aren't feelings that are more or less true. If I say one thing here and another to your face it doesn't mean one is a lie. My feelings, particularly around pregnancy are very, very complicated. Unless my story is like something you've gone through, I don't know that you can understand. 

That leads to the second thing. 

This can never happen again. I didn't sleep last night (after I was informed Soemone was reading my blog).  I have major GI distress and feel 9 weeks pregnant in terms of brutal nausea/vomiting. I almost had to pull over driving to work. (And I know I am not pregnant, unfortunately). Here is how it's going to be from now on:

I'm sure some of you noticed that the blog was set to private for some time. To publish this message, I'm setting ALL prior posts to draft.. This will be the only post on the blog. If you want access, please comment or email me. I ask that you be on your honor that you 1) don't know me in real life or 2) I do know you but I've known you read the blog (I think this is only my AWC ladies). 

Before the blog RE-debuts as a private blog, I will be going though and removing any mention to anyone aside from me, hub, Blue Sunday and bub. I know this will change the blog- a lot of my musings here were how I was trying to relate to the non-loss world. Unfortunately, I forgot that the internet is not actually anonymous and getting caught is not worth the relief of airing non-PC feelings. 

Again, Please, email me if you want access. It's something I never did when blogs I read went anonymous, but do as I say not as I do. 

For those that don't follow me: this blog saved my sanity. It was a place I could say things I wouldn't tell another soul. It was the place I could still cry over my Blue Sunday long after it was acceptable to the outside world. It was a place that I could be upset over the ease that everyone else (it seems) sails though pregnancy. Until yesterday, I would have credited it will Saving friendships. Thank you for ~35,000 views, 100s of email exchanges, 20 followers and 3 years of venting. 

Love you, Lizzy. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

#microblogMondays 1: Time Keeps on Slipping

Fall is upon us here in New England. Last Saturday I spent the day at the almost-beach-house (.5 miles from the ocean) of a friend on mine, sweltering in the beach. This week we were in fleeces and jeans at Ray's baby girl's birthday party. Time is flying! This baby boy is 8 months old now, after all.
I am excited for the cooler, snuggle up at home weather and, for the first time in 5 years, for the holidays! Amazing how different life can be in just 1 year. 

Please check out stirup-queens for all the # microblogmondays details!

Friday, September 5, 2014

End of an Era

I have left my old job and started a new one. I was quite emotional as I walked out if my building for the final time the Thursday before Labor Day. It was in the three plus years I spent there when nearly all if my family-building journey (thus far) occurred.

In my first office on the second floor I worked very late one evening so I could leave the following morning on a trip to California. On that flight, I realized I was pregnant. Suddenly, my extreme tiredness and the way I was so aware of the smell of the old files made sense. The smell if that paper makes me think of Blue Sunday still. 

A few weeks later, in the second floor bathroom I came out if the second stall and slipped down the two steps that someone Foolishly put there (it is a pre-civil war building.. So who knows why). I panicked and ended up with serial betas.. Which were wonky. 

Same bathroom different stall was the week 10 spotting incident. From my office I called the doc crying and earned my first peek at Blue Sunday. 

Office move. I kept a post-it under my keyboard with important pregnancy dates. I threw it away the one day I was in between receiving odds and diagnosis. I knew. I spent one full morning googling T18 odds and ultrasound findings. Went to the bathroom on the third floor, second stall and got the call "I'm sorry, this is a T18 baby". Never went into that stall again. 

Office move again a few months later- much to my relief. Upstairs, new start and new drama. IF starts to make itself known. While I was upstairs, the third floor office I was in for the diagnosis is turned into the "war room" prepping a study for final analysis. Fittingly, drug fails. Deep down, I blame the karma of that room (it's now storage- full of baggage literally and figuratively). One month after the drug fails, I'm pregnant. 

Positive beta is relayed to me on the phone I answered while stepping out of our big conference room- located on the second floor. I took that call 5 feet away from the entrance to my first office. The office where I felt hopeful and happy with Blue Sunday. 

Outside of our other conference room, this one on the fourth floor, I took another call I had to leave a meeting for. This one told me Take Two (kins) was chromosomally normal. I walked back into that meeting a different person. 

10 months later I walked back into that office- a real mother with a three month old at home. 

It isn't hyperbole to say some of my very best and worst moments happened in that building and with that company. There were professional highs and lows there as well- some of my best friends and most important colleagues I met there- but it is the personal that really left it's mark. 

I hope my next company is far less dramatic for my personal life!

I'm closing one door, opening another- but that place and it's memories won't be far from my thoughts.