Blue Sunday's EBD (estimated birthday). I went back and read my posts from the last 2 May 31st.Heavy reading. I cried. A lot.
Some parts still ring true:
I hope my Blue Sunday knew the depth of my love. If there is anything after this life I hope that I will be forgiven by my baby, I do hope Blue Sunday would understand and would have wanted to be spared a horribly flawed life on earth. I wish I had a way of knowing.
Always, always that's my mind-state: full of love, full of hope for understanding. Blue Sunday is never far from my mind. I am always aware of what I am missing. In some ways this is especially true now that Liam is here. It is easier, now that I am a mom and I have my son to love, but I didn't expect to fall SO in love. I didn't expect to delight in every noise, smile, new skill and playful moment like I do. I now know what I missed with Blue Sunday- what I would have always missed.
I was startled to read so many references to Blue Sunday as "him". I always referred to him as male and I know and remember that, but now Liam is my "him". That is one of the blessings for me in not finding out the sex, I can imagine and have my hunch, but Liam's birth wasn't a disappointment either way. I could never feel relief or fear that he is a him and not a her. There are many women who want their rainbow to be the same gender of their lost child, and just as many who want the opposite. I like never really knowing (but I did spend a lot of time imagining time with Blue Sunday as a boy).
I don't know that I feel that way anymore- lost, alone and godless.
5/31/13 EBD 1
Here, I was reflecting on the way I felt in the very first days post-loss. I can say I surely don't feel that way anymore. My life is full again, there is light, there is hope. I can't say I'm back into a religious state of grace. I have a very hard time with the language of loss through faith: "everything is in god's plan, god doesn't give you want you can't handle, god recalled your angel, Blue Sunday was a test of your faith. god only gives special kids to special people). I guess it could be because I "failed the test" in the eyes of people that say such things, especially the last one. I refused my "gift" of a special child? That said, I'm back on the road. Liam is being baptized in a few weeks. That's saying something.
The last two 5/31s were significant in the road to Liam as well. On my EDD I was one day away from my first SHG (which I wrongly referred to as an HSG). I just knew pregnancy wasn't going to be easy to achieve. I was feeling desperate and 11 months from conception. Last year, on Blue Sundays estimated first birthday, I was measuring 9 weeks along and had an ultrasound in the same room I had the diagnostic amnio for Blue Sunday. I wrote:
Take Two is fantastic. Already more active than Blue Sunday ever was (I remember for the NT scan, he just laid there, like he was sleeping, for the whole scan). We laughed as miniscule arms and legs wiggled away. She looks like a teddy bear! Baby has grown 14 days in only 11. I am measuring 9 weeks exactly. Heartrate is now up to 174.
All signs point to Blue Sunday's Little being on the way.
5/31/13 EBD 1
Take Two is fantastic, he was on his way, he is active, advanced and so, so wonderful.
I am both heartbroken and so full of love. I'll live with this dichotomy forever. I'll always have a lost baby, but I will always enjoy the one I have.
Happy SECOND EBD, Blue Sunday!