** I wrote this some time ago and shelved it. Now that we are in the thick of
4 years ago today loss thoughts, I've decided to publish. (4 years ago today we received amnio results- T18 was confirmed.)
I read an article about a woman who chose to end her pregnancy due to a fatal abnormality.
In summary: Baby Violet was diagnosed with lethal skeletal dysplasia. Lethal because due to her extreme smallness, her lungs wouldn't have room to inflate upon birth so she would suffocate and die.
I think back to the birth of my son Kins and I crush under the weight of this thought: "suffocate and die".
I think of swimming too deep and rocketing to the surface lungs burning for air "suffocate and die".
I imagine the terror of birth, forced into a bright, chaotic, unfamiliar environment: being touched may be wiped off with towels before going to mom. Familiar and unfamiliar. Overwhelming I think without the addition of not able to breathe. "suffocate and die"
Then I read the Comments. Why do I do this? I know that I get upset. Not about my own decision, but by the horrible things that are said.
I know not everyone supports my decision. I know that I don't support every decision in all cases (to terminate or to CTT). I believe in being compassionate and treating people the way I would want to be treated. Why tell someone I disagree with their choice when it has been made? Why even critique a choice when in the decision process? I am not YOU and you are not ME. I am not in your family. I don't know what you believe.
Where is the love, 'Loving Father'? He said:
First I would like to extend my condolences to you and your family on such a heartbreaking loss. Second by being a man I have no idea what women actually go through during pregnancy and labor, but I do know of the wonderful gift it is in assisting to bring to life a new person into this world. As a teacher I like to ask my students to always ask why and to think of the outcomes of every situation had they chosen a different path. In this case what if they baby would have lived longer then the prognosis of a few hours. I know that I would give my life to see the eyes of my new baby even for just a few minutes, I mean who am I to say how long my child lives, that’s not my job. Everyone suffers and pain is only perceptive of nerves sending the signal to a brain. But love tell me how does love work? If it’s not through the self inflicting pain of watching what was carried to term and letting God decide if she lives or dies. If none of this makes any sense then simply ask yourselves what if the baby was still fighting to live when your water broke and she was strong that it took the Dr a skull crush to “terminate the pregnancy.” What if the baby was born alive and they crushed her little head because of a “decision.” In no way I’m saying I was there and that happened, but what if.Clearly, though ID'ing himself as a teacher, missed reading that the baby was given a fatal injection on day one of the two procedure- long before water break or delivery. That aside, what is to gain by that line of musing? If you are in a situation where you are terminating a pregnancy because of a fatal diagnosis you're already playing a game of "pick the least horrible case". Should my child die by my own hand before we have a chance to meet him/or OR should the child, in this case, suffocate and die? Is Loving Father aware that in L and D abortions, women are induced too early for the child to survive and the child lives as long as they are able without intervention? I know women who went in for an abortion in this manner and had their child live for a short time (minutes). No skull crushing was involved.
Loving Father would be happy to know I did consider the alternative for my Blue Sunday- though I don't know anyone who received a fatal diagnosis and just said "well, termination it is!" Without considering what life would look like (though I DO know may women who received a fatal diagnosis and proudly proclaim "we never even considered 'the-decision-which-must-not-be-named' " though that's a whole different topic.) For me, death after birth looked more difficult for my child than death before birth. Like Loving Father I would give my life to see my child's eyes, BUT I won't gaze on those eyes without cost. It was not an option to give my life for that moment. The real cost of that gaze would have been seeing the eyes of tragedy, of suffocation, of confusion and pain and then death. Pain for my child, confusion for my child. This was not the least horrible case in my mind. I have written about this before.
There was another comment, the one that actually sparked this post. This was by another man (the only two comments clearly by men (that loaded) were negative, along with only one other comment. This is from 'Roger':