Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter

Happy Easter, everyone.

In an attempt to be more positive, here are some things I am thankful for:

Wonderful neighbors. I love where I live and the people I live near. Our next-door neighbors brought up this love Easter lily!
Wonderful friends. In both "real life" and on-line life, I have a great and varied group of people I call friends. From  the group of women I grew up with to the ladies I know only through their blogs and comments, you are what keeps me happy, healthy and sane. 

Wonderful weather. FINALLY spring is here. She took her sweet time this year, and there are still mountains of snow in parking lots throughout the city, but it is sunny today, the grass is greening and there are buds on my bushes. 

Finally, I feel some hope. I actually said to hub this morning "May be this will be our last childless Easter". I am a superstitious worrier, but I actually said these words.. and thought they might be true.

Even for a heathen like me, there is a special spirit of spring, of Easter. There is hope and life from death. In a season of renewal and forgiveness and belief in the impossible, I hope that these spiritual truths can seep into my real life and into my soul. I want to believe and I want to have the gift of life after loss. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Work, Grief and IF

As all my readers now know, I am in a professional career that I love and am proud of.

I am in mourning for my Blue Sunday. There are many ways that this grief bubbles to the surface, even 15 months after the loss.

I am infertile. Newly diagnosed and just now being dealt with.

These things are complicated by each other and other outside forces. It is hard to love a job in a volatile career. Currently, I'm anticipating a lay off. This is crushing. I like most of my co-workers: I love a few them. I am working for a manager whom I adore and would like to model my own career (and mothering skills?) after. It is hard to have a job (and especially to start a new one) while actively attempting to start a family. I'll have at least 4 appointments every cycle, then, once I get pregnant, I'm high risk. That's a lot of time off. Not to mention actively working toward pregnancy means a maternity leave in 9ish months at either my very understaffed current company or a brand new one. If new, I'm not covered by FMLA.  I may not have leave time.

My grief limits my networking in office, there are pregnant women everywhere at work. Seeing them is still a slap in the face. Grief makes me obsess and worry and wonder at the fertility of my friends. This takes mental time and energy I really can't spare.

This all is a hate spiral. I hate that  need to be job hunting at a VERY inopportune time. I hate that I can't celebrate with others who are pregnant or new parents. I hate that I can't have a baby without intervention. I hate that I can't just say: "Let's put off TTC until the job issue settles", because I can't give up another 3+ months. I hate that I am going to lose insurance and might need that break anyway.

Side bar: I am so lucky to have great insurance in a great state. For a brief overview: I live in Massachusetts, a state that requires that health insurance is provided by most employers (otherwise you can buy it on your own, these plans are at a discount, but still very expensive if you have a good income). IF coverage is required. The some of best hospitals and medical schools are here. This is far from the norm in the US.


That I very likely will be without insurance for the job search is terrifying. There is a chance we'll have a severance that will include insurance continuation, but the company lost over 60% of it's value last week. I'm not sure how they will afford it (though a business woman I am not). This really is the biggest fear for hub and me. We have a cushion for bills and expenses, I know that I am marketable and that finding a job will only be a matter of time.. but stopping before we even get to start our first medicated cycle is really a bummer. Especially since we don't know when we'd start again.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wish I Didn't Know Now

Wish I Didn't Know Now What I Didn't Know Then (or then)

I feel like such a jerk.

JAM's pregnancy status has been weighing on my mind. After the most recent post I really did let it go. I had a strong feeling that she was pretending a bit about drinking 2 weeks ago(they are pretty serious Catholics, all things considered). Last week they missed our standing trivia night date, and I thought they might have been avoiding us. I figured she could be as far along as 10 weeks given our booze fest at the end of January. That would mean the end of the first trimester u/s would be coming up and then they would tell us.

To pause this car wreck of a story to supplement it with a train wreck of one, I am VERY likely out of a job come Monday. I work in research, and the drug my company works on failed in a late stage trial. They are cutting the program (which I don't work on) but they tied a lot of money to the project, so we're floundering.  He is actually in my works in a field related to mine (happy accident). The press release came out early one morning and I had a message from her within the hour checking in on me and letting me know they wanted to take us out to dinner. Networking and commiserating- they have had more than their share of lay offs.

This background brings us to last night.

So we sit down and she orders a carafe of wine and I say "Oh, you're over Lent, too" and she says " My brother gave up not drinking for Lent too" and then I knew that she had forgotten she told me that SHE gave up alcohol for Lent. And so I knew that she had been or thought she was pregnant and was no longer.

I let it lie, I had some good shop talk with him and eating and drinking moved forward. Eventually she  asked us about how we're faring in the RE journey. I ran through it with her and ended with how I'm terrified about losing insurance. Then she started crying.

And launched into her miscarriage story.

She never had symptoms, she had low betas and bleeding. She found out the baby stopped growing on Wednesday of last week and did the D&C that Friday.  Her 12 week appointment would have been yesterday.

I was dead on, almost. She found out two days after the January binge, when they weren't trying.She lied about drinking at GEB's party. I just KNEW she was pregnant.

I am so, so sad for her and I feel like I caused it. (I know I didn't and clearly I can't influence things by my desires, otherwise we would BOTH be pregnant).

They named their baby so that baby wouldn't be forgotten. So, for little, lost Alex, and your heartbroken parents please know that people remember. Blue Sunday will do some looking out.

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Bob Seager, Against the wind

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Time keeps on Slipping

I miss Blue Sunday today. I miss him every day, I don't know why it is bothering me today especially.

It isn't the 4th or the 31st of a month- Blue Sunday's loss date and due date.

It isn't September or May- The month I found out I was pregnant and the month I should have been due.

It isn't CD1, I'm not starting to spot. I am actually ovulating.

I think I am just floor at how long its been. We've now been TTC for 2 years.

2 years. One pregnancy. No babies.

It seems unbelievable that this is my life.

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future 
Steve Miller Band, Fly Like and Eagle

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I've Got Your Crazy

Reading back my last post, this was the song I was singing:

You say I'm Crazy?
I've got your Crazy!
Britney Spears, Womanizer

I lost it on Friday a-lot-a-bit. The reasons make sense to me, objectively, but I can't quite believe I felt so strongly.

I am hopelessly confused about a friend's pregnancy status and I am mentally exhausted from trying to figure it out. I've let it go, and that is helping ratchet down the Crazy.

We went to a big party on Friday night for (ready?) My first (real-ish) ex-boyfriend's boyfriend's 30th birthday. The ex and I remained friends, and I met hub indirectly through him- we'll call him Gay Ex Boyfriend GEB. GEB and hub were childhood friends, along with Smarty and J of JAM. M was there as well, Sparkles was at a baby-shower of all things. The party was fun, and we went over after a seeing winning hockey game, so I was in a good mood. Two of the girls I knew in high-school but had a falling out with were there, and both were nice for once. Karaoke happened, though I didn't sing. It was fun.

Then I was asked if we had/ wanted kids.

I told them the truth, mostly. That conversation stayed with us for most of the evening, someone would think of another question to ask me. Perhaps it was me bringing it up on occasion. It really is constantly on my mind. I was talking to JAM, and said that I will be joining her in not drinking for the remainder of Lent (and beyond. I don't dink and medicate). Then she told me that she had a few Thursday and that she had been drinking earlier in the night, but had stopped because there was no way J would be driving them home. (J was singing "Ice, Ice Baby" at the moment, so this was clearly true).

So she either isn't pregnant, or lied about drinking. She has mentioned on a few occasions that she would never drink and carry a pregnancy. Not even a drop.

And here I am, being all PI on her and the situation after tell you and myself that I was Crazy for doing it before.

I am cuter than this, but you get the idea

What can I say, I have a one track mind. It sounds like this.

Someone: What would you like?
Me: Baby! Baby :( Baby? Can I have a baby? How will I get a baby? If I get pregnant this cycle I'm 1 week and 5 days pregnant. I'm baby crazy, stop that. May be I could adopt, but would I get a baby? Well I really want a kid. Kid, kid! I mean.. I'll have a the Nachos.

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Empty Room

There is an empty room in my house.

When I bought the house, I called it the nursery. When I talked about it out-loud, I added "someday" but it my head it was always just "the nursery".

It's a tiny room, full of light in the afternoon, dim and cozy in the mornings. The natural place for a crib is right against the shared wall with one in my bedroom. My headboard and my child's crib will be right together, with a wall between us. 

As time passed and I was not pregnant, we renovated the room that is now our bedroom. Replacing the old horsehair plaster and lathe with insulation and dry wall. Welcome to the modern age, house! The room was completed the weekend of our 5th wedding anniversary- the weekend we conceived Blue Sunday.

In the 2 week wait, we starting doing over our office/ gym. By "doing over" I mean completely ripping out, right down to the studs. More plaster and lathe, more new drywall and insulation. When I found out we were pregnant, I panicked. We had the gym/ office partially torn out, it would take a few months of weekends to complete and we had to do the same thing to the nursery! I made a detailed week by week plan of the upstairs re-model. The nursery would begin the weekend after a 2 week holiday break- Jan 6th 2012. That day ended up being 2 days after the termination.

The office/ gym were completed according to the time line- but the nursery stood empty. We started calling it the Cats' Room. It had been the nursery the 13 months before the termination to me, but after saying "This is the Nursery" to our visitors for 19 weeks with a real baby growing inside me- it no longer felt appropriate. The cats' litter boxes, food bowls and scratching post took up the un-renovated, abandoned space. We put a chain on the door, ostensibly to keep our dog out of the cats' food, but possibly to keep ourselves from seeing that empty room and being reminded of my empty womb (as if we ever, ever forgot).

With the start of this new year, a whole year without Blue Sunday, we've started moving forward with a RE, hoping to get a baby sooner rather than later. Though hub took some convincing, we've started moving forward with the renovation of the Cats' Room too. Now we don't know what to call it. It isn't the cats' room (now all their things are in the office yuck). But it isn't a nursery, and I can't shake the idea thAt it might not be. Either because we never get a baby, of because we get two at once.

While tearing out the plaster, I found this in the wall- the wall of a house built 65 years ago-and I couldn't help but laugh. 

Dr. Robinson's Rubber Prophylactics Sold for the prevention of diseases... and keeping Lizzy childless?


An ancient condom tin, complete with (broken) condom. Don't know what happened to the other 2.

There are piles of lathe in the room, waiting for the last of the snow to melt so we can have a fire; there is some rubble in there as well, also waiting for the snow to melt so that we can put it in the Baggster currently covered with snow in the side yard; but there is no longer a condom in the walls.

There is still a chain on the door... of the small room.

And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
Alanis Morissette, Ironic

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Hope and Disappointment x2

Disappointment 1

Spotting, cramps and all their friends have made an entrance. We are about to start CD 1 for the 16th time since losing Blue Sunday- 14 of those cycles actively trying. I am so, so tired of this.

RE Appointment Update

Hub and I went to the RE on Monday morning. The clinic was great. All of the women there seemed friendly, they were talking to each other and the staff with ease. I'll take this as a good sign. We both really, really liked our doctor. He was just old and dorky enough for me to trust him. Let's face it, I'd love a chance to stare at George Clooney on his ER days as my doc, but I trust someone a little more Dr. Wilson from House  (* and Wilson from House is on the short list of TV characters I wish were real- so that is not as insulting as it might have come across). He stared off by talking about the neighborhood we live in- what a great place it is, how his BFF lives there and how it is the greatest place in the city (true).

He asked us how we felt about being there, which was awesome. Some of it is obvious- we want a baby- it's a means to an end- but there is a lot more to it than that. I feel a combination of relief, regret and anger. I am relieved that someone is finally listening to me and helping me, I am regretful that my body failed me and that we can't do this on our own. I am angry that we have to be there at all. I used to be able to get pregnant, not I cannot. It was nice to be listened to. 

He went over our results and feels they are good. He is having Hub re-do the SA because he wants to confirm the low morphology, though he doesn't think it will be an issue with overall counts, live count and motility as high as his. He said there is no indication of ovarian reserve or thyroid issues in me. He does want to do a genetic testing panel just to confirm that there is no genetic reason for  Blue Sunday's T18, but he feels that it was a (horrible) fluke. That being said:

Disappointment 2

There are some additional insurance hurdles I need to jump through before I can be treated by a specialist. That means ANOTHER month of no treatment. I am so disappointed. 

I need to have an HSG done to confirm my tubes are open- this is similar to the SHG that I had in May '12 and Feb '13 BUT it is done with X-ray and contrast rather than an ultrasound and saline. There was a  small question about one tube last month, so I guess this is fine. I have heard it hurts, but my doc promised that they wouldn't hurt me (in one of my favorite lines ever uttered by a doctor) "not to sound pompous, but we have the best staff anywhere and we won't hurt you". We shall see! I also need to do Day 3 bloods again to re-check one additional ovarian component, which again he felt was better than fine when it was tested before. He said something about it needs to be below 15, they like it below 10 and I am at a 7 or something. 

Finally, Some Hope

In this sea of disappointment, he did actually say my favorite thing ever uttered by a doctor: "You're going to get pregnant. All the statistics, your age, your labs, your history as a couple.. this will happen. People your age who come here, they fair very, very well." Hub felt a lot better at this and I did too at the time. Then I  had a moment of panic, once we were home, this whole journey has been us beating the odds.. and not in the good way. Could this be just one more thing?

I had a major case of the sads Monday and Tuesday. I am really just now pulling out of it. It really doesn't help that I was so hoping to be one of those people who make an RE appointment and magically become pregnant. Stupid AF, shitting bleeding on my dreams again.

All that downer stuff aside: 

I'll get pregnant says the RE. 
It's just a matter of time says my GYN. 
Trust the doctors says my hub.

May be it's time I stop talking and start listening. 

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Jefferson Airplane, Stop Children What's That Sound