Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Back on track?

According to My Clear Blue Fertility Monitor I am ovulating today! Though hub and I came to the conclusion that we would take this month off,  there is an outside chance I will get pregnant this cycle anyway. 4 days ago we had sexy time baby making style.  I thought my O date was off, which it was but only by two days. After reading horror stories of women who had 35-47 day first cycles after tx, I am surprised I'm only 2 days behind my usual. I am on track for an acceptable 30 day cycle. This would put AF day on March 6th and my ovulating right at the 1/2 into vacation time point. Perfect if you ask me, 1/2 for drinking 1/2 for baby making. Who could complain?

I suppose me. I can't believe that I am here again. I was worrying about how my parents would be away for weeks 32 and 33 of my pregnancy and I was scared of going into labor... And now I'll be with them, trying again. It feels so unfair. A cosmic joke for feeling so lucky and happy.

Everything I Do, I Do it for You (Everything I Do) I Do it for You,  Bryan Adams
Some asshole on-line thinks that future children after a TFMR feel guilty for only existing because of the Tx child. She is someone who I just don't like, so I don't claim to have a neutral opinion. I don't want to air my grievance, because I won't stoop to her level BUT here is how I feel: I get that she is hurting, because her child died (for which I am sorry) but that DOES NOT give you the right to tell me that my future children will resent me for guilt they feel for existing at the expense of my first child, their older sibling. This comment was because I  voiced an opinion that Carrying to term (CTT) isn't for everyone or every baby and I am happy I TMFRed, just as she is happy to have CTTed. I. AM. SO. ANGRY.

The thing is, I know it isn't true. I didn't TMFR so that I could have a different, healthy child. What I did, I did FOR Blue Sunday, not TO Blue Sunday.

I'll bet you got push around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now cuz you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know when you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Taylor Swift, Mean

Saturday, February 18, 2012

So Complicated

I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted. Every time I go to write something, everything changes. I had a post all prepared about how normal things were physically, and then I started spotting on cycle day 7 after a totally normal period. I deleted that post and started to despair that this would NOT be my month. But then I was feeling OK about it. I have vacation coming up and I enjoy boozy bevs. So I wrote about that but as I was writing I realized that I really wanted this to be my month anyway. And now I think I'm OK with this not being my month.

The first few days and weeks after the termination ALL I could think of other than Blue Sunday was getting pregnant again. Now I am trying to enjoy this unexpected time without the worries of motherhood- which to me includes pregnancy. Once you begin making choices for a child you're a mom. So hub and I are going to enjoy some alcohol on this vacation, snuggle in a hot tub, eat sushi and really unhealthy foods. May be we'll think about TTC and set a timeline while we're away from the real world.

I still would really like to have a baby in my arms by the end of 2012 and most definitely be pregnant by Blue Sunday's due date-- but I am not really in control of that. And so I am trying to be OK with it.

This was a good time to come to this decision, waiting another moth before TTC, because I am on cycle day 14, my usual ovulation date and have not so much as spiked into a fertile period- much less ovulation. Had I ovulated on time I would been on vacation from 6w1d to 7w5d. This should have been after all my confirmation blood scans and I would have come home for the week 8 ultrasound. Now that I am off- I am concerned about not getting the blood tests. They are only necessary for my mental health, but I don't want to be (not drinking) on vacation worrying that the pregnancy isn't viable anyway.

I know that was a very long, rambling post but there is a lot banging around in my head at the moment. I feel good most of the time now- 6 plus weeks after termination. Some of the other baby loss moms seems much sadder and more lost than I do. I feel badly for that. That is an issue for another post I assume-- but in summary I am struggling with guilt over the termination, the loss of my baby and the decision to try again. But I feel hopeful for the future, I feel joy in life again and I know that I will find peace in all that has happened someday.

Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Complicated

Monday, February 13, 2012

Back to Reality (The first period post)

Publishing my back-log over the next few days. This was written 2/6/2012
Well ladies (I know no man is reading this with a title like that) my period is back. I am going to call it AF, even though I LOTHE that term- just for ease.

AF came on Sunday. I had been starting to feel really upset thinking that I would never start my cycles again. It had only been 4 weeks and 4 days, but I was getting hopeless anyway. I was trying to formulate what I would tell myself if it didn't show up by week 5. The time most people seem to start after a medical termination. When I realized I had started I literally yelled "Yes!" and then started to cry. Just one more reminder of little, lost Blue Sunday.

I guess now I don't know how to feel. I am hopeful that this will be a normal cycle. It is, for the most part so far. I am afraid that it won't be, or that I won't ovulate. I am terrified of getting pregnant this cycle and more terrified not to. I don't know how I will handle that pregnancy test or AF. Well, I do- badly. I want a baby, but I am afraid of pregnancy.

Back to Life, Back to Reality
Back to the here and now
Soul II Soul, Back to Life

Monday, February 6, 2012

One Month- A Little Bit Stronger

(Written 2/4/2012)

To steal a phrase from a fellow baby-loss mom (Known in future posts as "Mrs. Wonderful")- Le Sigh.

One month. A month ago today I went in for my D&E. I'm happy that we're finally putting some time and distance between myself and the termination. It's been hard to remember the good times of my pregnancy without crying, now I can feel some joy in the excitement I felt. That excitement I will likely never feel again in a pregnancy, so I want to remember it. How could I be so naively excited in another pregnancy after knowing first hand just how awful it can be in the end? That feeling alone will belong to Blue Sunday alone. At least that this something special we shared.

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Sara Evans, A Little Bit Stronger

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Thank Goodness It's February!

Gonna have some fun
Show you how it's done, TGIF

Good riddance January 2012. You were the worst month since December 2011. I feel better today than I have since we found out about Blue Sunday's diagnosis. I am 4 weeks post-tx today. Things are looking up. I've caught myself laughing naturally over the last few days. I cared how I looked this morning. I provided a random act of kindness in the garage this morning, pulling the ticket the car in front of me had left and giving it to the garage staff. Can you imagine being charge max parking in a down town garage. OUCH.

Family planning
Continuing with the more upbeat mood: I ended my streak of being the 1 in 1:5, capitalized on the 80% odds and talked to hub last night about TTC. We have decided, if physically able, we will be trying to make a baby this month!! I am super excited and terrified. The thought of doing it all over again is overwhelming-even factoring out T18 fears. The disappointment of BFN, sickness, early m/c worries, sickness, wondering when to tell people, sickness. Did I mention sickness? I didn't have a very happy pregnancy, T18 aside.  I am more than a little nervous realizing I'd be 6-8 weeks on a cruise ship if attempt #1 takes. Also, I would have to tell my parents, who have said they would prefer to not know until we knew the baby was healthy or not. The first time I refuse a cold, frothy BL (bud light for those of you not in the know) the gig will be up. 

mmmmmmm BL. Hopefully I won't be enjoying those for too much longer.

I can't find a song for my TTC mood. This is not something that happens often. I'll edit later when I find one. Hoping for something that conveys "Fearfully looking forward, but with hope".