Month Three

Three Months

11/28/2016-12/27/2016

11.28.2016

12.27.2016

Weight- No current official weight

Nicknames- Baby G, Little G, MG

Diapers- Size 1, but we need to go to size 2. Just finishing out the last box

Milestones- The biggest one is ALL. THE. COOING. It is so funny after Mute Kins to have this baby who “talks” she rapidly went from making sounds to full on back and forths with us. She tries to copy the length and pitch of our sounds. She works so hard at it. You see her screw up her little face and kick her legs and arms and then try and mimic. Incredible.

Big social smiles continue, consistent 5-6 hours of sleeping, really noticing and following the movements of the people and pets she loves.

First trip out of our home state,

First trip to a museum

First Christmas and visit from Santa!!

OBVIOUSLY best gift ever :)

Christmas morning

Sleep- MG is a rock star honestly. She sleeps in her rock n' play downstairs with us from around 8 until I go to bed, usually around 11. I put her in her sleep suit, nurse her and then I put her in her little co-sleeper and she sleeps until 4am usually. I nurse her again and depending on mood put her back in the co-sleeper or keep her in with me. She gets up about 6:30 nurses and either goes back to sleep with me until I get up or we get up for the day. Very rare for her to really cry in the night. She’s usually good for 2 1 hour-2 hour naps along with little cat naps throughout the day.

Clothes- 0-3 Months, comfortably

Eating- She hasn’t taken formula in about 2 months now, she is exclusively BFed but will need to figure out eating expressed milk for when I go back to work next week. She eats every 3.5-4 hours or so, except our 4-6 hour stretch at night.

Likes- Kinsy and the rest of her family. Being held, baths, car rides and sitting up on my lap.

Dislikes- ummmm This kid is SO easy I can’t think of anything! Tummy time for more than 10 minutes.

Illness- None, knock on wood!

Of Note- She does an awesome baby push-up and tries to pull her legs under her. I think she sees kinsy moving around and wants to be on the go too. 

Doubt Unimaginable You?

Here is the birth story of Surya (dropping Scott now considering she is a she after all). More e.e. cummings.

The lead-up

Thursday 9/22- At 39 weeks 6 days I had an appointment with a new midwife. Not unlike with kins, circumstances took the midwife from me just before delivery. I was not too upset, knowing it happened last time and everything worked out just fine. Sometimes (rarely) I'm easy-going. I met the new midwife who is much more "stereotypically" midwife to me. She is hands off interms of interventions and though my midwife was willing to induce at 39 weeks- this one wanted to wait as long as I was physically and mentally prepared to. We started with an ultrasound- my fluid was the low end of normal and baby was sluggish at the beginning of the appointment. She perked up at the end- but I thought for sure it was baby day. I was prepared. Kins was at my parents house, we had all the bags in the car, the camera was charged. We even were early for the appointment! Hub said "no way it will be today" when we got a good (maternity reserved) parking spot in the garage. After the ultrasound, we went into the midwife, she checked me- I was at a 2 she also swept my membranes- ouch! Given the low-ish fluid and my irregular contractions we made a plan to come in for another ultrasound and appointment the next morning. No baby- boo. I took a "last picture as an only child" picture with kins.. and over the next several days, many more.

Friday 9/23 Due Date! I thought for sure we would induce today. All the perfect set up from the day before was much less perfect this day. Our packed bags were rummaged through the night before for various things, so stuff was in my purse or hub's pockets rather than neatly away. We were running late and our parking spot was terrible. We did the ultrasound... And the doctor said my fluid was perfect. The baby performed enough for the doc to proclaim everything perfect in about 2 minutes. A far cry from the day before when I was on the table for at least an hour. I knew then I would not have a due date baby. At the appointment with new midwife, she focused on my mental health. If I was comfortable waiting and not too anxious (everyone knows my history) we would wait. I agreed to wait the weekend and she did another membrane sweep. I was now 2.5. She said she really didn't think I would make it throughout the weekend. Famous last words. Appointment made for Tuesday 9/27 "because if I don't make the appointment you'll need it, but I really don't then you'll still be pregnant Tuesday!" (Appointment wasn't Monday because she is off Mondays)

due date!

Monday 9/26 Watch first presidential debate. Still pregnant. Somehow this doesn't put me into labor. I did vomit up my ENTIRE dinner (surprise!). We had gone to Friday's and I got the sizzlen' chicken and cheese. Not gourmet, but very tasty. Our last meal out as a family of three!

Induction day! 

Tuesday 9/27 When we left the house this morning I told hub that when I came home next it would be with a baby. I was DONE. So uncomfortable, with my anxiety ramping up. I hadn't been able to fall asleep until 330 the night before due to the endless pain in my hip (and debate related nausea, let's be honest). Up at 7 for an 8:15 appointment. Left my kins with my parents:

No ultrasound, just an appointment and a plan to do an NST if I was considering staying pregnant. I wasn't. Final weight was 174.1... 3 ounces less than my starting weight. Insane. 

The midwife was shocked that I was still pregnant and apologized for her assurance that I would have a baby before the weekend was over. She did another cervical check and I was at a 3. Slow progress. I formally asked for an induction. She got me checked in while we grabbed some dunkin donuts tea and bagels. We had to wait outside the store for a few minutes since it was still before 9 am - their opening time. 

We made it into our room about 10. Here is my last bump picture!

I work with a woman whose sister is a nurse on the L and D floor and she was on duty this morning. She came in to meet me and we chatted about her sister, what we do for work and our neighborhood (we happen to live in the same community). It was nice to have a connection to someone especially because unlike with kins, my parents couldn't come up right away- my dad had kins and my mom was working :(. After getting the IV in and the paperwork signed, Hub and I played some yatzee on my phone and ate our breakfast while we waited for the fetal monitoring to be completed so I could start the meds! Since I had been documented as breech late in pregnancy, they had to do a ultrasound before administering any medications. The doctor who did the portable ultrasound was about 24 I think. When did I get so old?! Baby was behaved and head down. 

I had to be on antibiotics before they would start the induction because I am GBS+. We needed 2 doses 3 hours apart and they started the first round about 11. I HATED it. I can't take penicillin, so they put me on something else. After just a few minutes I had a horrible taste in my mouth. Like licking dirty money after drinking coffee. Yuck. It was ok when I was still able to eat and drink, but eventually I got nauseous and didn't want to anymore. Around 4 they got the misoprostal administered and I started having irregular contractions. They came in and checked me after a few hours and I was still a 3. This was VERY disappointing. I was encouraged to walk the halls and did so for about an hour. Then I had them bring in a ball for me bounce on. Finally, around 7 my parents were able to come for a visit- and they brought kins!!  

At about the same time my sister and brother in law arrived for a visit. Eventually, my in-laws came we all visited together. To be honest, I was getting uncomfortable and cranky. I probably wasn't the nicest person to be around in that hour or two. There was a nursing change around 8. Nurse D came in and wanted to get things moving overnight. We decided rather than doing more misoprostal, we would jump right to piton. We made the decision to ramp up slowly, 2 units per 15 minutes until contractions were regular and strong, then we would let things simmer until the morning and do a cervical check before really ramping up. Before starting that process, I got an epidural. This sent the family home, except mom and hub who were there for the duration. They decided to get some food just before 10, while I was waiting for the Epi. They asked for recommendations from the nurses and decided on pizza. Hub left to go pick it up and while out they came in to administered the epi. Nurse D hung around and set up the room while hub was out. We chatted a bit about her experience and background and what I wanted in the birth experience (healthy mom, healthy baby).

The anesthesiologist was really nice. He was kind of a goof ball, hub said that he reminded him of Crush from Finding Nemo. Like if he wasn't a doctor, he'd be surfing in California. He and the nurse (Darleen who was an awesome hippy type) got me into position and talked me through the procedure. When I had kins the contractions were so, so strong that I didn't actually think about the OMG Needle Being Threaded Through My Back.. but this time, I totally was. My blood pressure and heart rate started to spike (I could see my vitals on the machine), so they tried to get me talking. Of all things I started talking about work (of course I did). I told them about our approval and our kids and how much I love the science of what I do. Wouldn't you know it, Dr Crush worked for a pharma company and did some pretty amazing work himself. Hub walked into the room (with his takeout pizza) at this point, me bent over a pile of pillows with who knows what happening in my back chatting about work. He started laughing and giving me the "Only you" speech. Dr Crush let him stay. The epi was otherwise uneventful, at one point there was a terrible taste in my mouth and my head felt funny, but they fixed that quickly. I did get VERY itchy until after delivery and it was removed, which was a real downer since it was the middle of the night.

This epi experience was very different from the one I had with Kins. I felt nothing with him, not one thing. This was more of a "take the edge off" experience. I could feel some of the contractions, though they didn't hurt, and I could feel pressure and pain when pushing (more on that later). Dr. Crush explained how an epi works, and why you should feel pelvic pressure and pain even with one. I don't know why I was so numb with kins.

Birthday!

Wednesday 9.28 Nurse D had me use the bedpan before going to sleep or told me I would need a catheter (but that she would like to avoid it). I didn't really care either way, but managed to use the bed pan very successfully. After that, everyone went to bed sometime around midnight. Nurse D said she would come in every 1.5 hours to make sure I was not getting too numb on one side. I don't think I every managed to get 1.5 hours without ringing the call bell. The first time was around 1am. I was just so itchy from the epi I needed something to take the edge off. I got resettled and went to sleep and then was awake around 2 when my water broke! It is a very odd sensation. I could just feel it coming out like pee with every contraction. I woke up hub and mom to tell them, and then called Nurse D. She started smelling all the bedclothes, it was so, so strange. I guess it smells sweet. She wasn't sure that my water broke, but did say that the liquid was clear, a good sign if it was my water (it totally was). I probably went back to sleep around 3 after that episode.

At 5:06am (I took a selfie to document the time) I was awake for the day and feeling pressure, also I was wet with the water. I wanted it to get a bit later so I could call my dad to come over to the hospital if he wanted. About 6, I was bloody so I gave in and called Nurse D in again.  She came in and cleaned me up, as well as confirmed that my water that had broken.  I requested to be checked, but she let me know that the doctor was not yet awake, but should be shortly. I said that I was hoping to get checked so that I could let the family know if we were close to delivery. I also let her know I was feeling pressure. This got her to get a move on. Sure enough, I was a 10 and ready to push! She let me know she could feel a bald baby head! Things were starting to get real. It took some time ready the room and me for birth. The nurse and the intern asked if I needed to pee. How the heck could I know? The nurse said I had used a bedpan earlier in the night so I should be fine.

At about 6:30, they told me to do some practice pushing. I did, and the first one peed all over them. Oops. hub had one leg and nurse D the other. It was a little harder with kins right off the bat. I didn't realize it at the time, but they had hub holding my back with him, helping me to roll up. I liked that better. I also like not being able to feel it because HOLY MOTHER THAT HURT. OUCH.

At one point I requested that hub hold my hand and my mom took my leg. My poor mom. Nurse D would tell me to push and she would push, and the breathe out on the release. I thought she was going to pass out. There was a lot of laughter in the room. Nurse D kept saying how she could see the head, but that made me so distracted I would lose focus on the push. I had to just start ignoring everyone. Nurse D asked if I wanted to feel the head just after the doc arrived. I reached down to feel and just hated it. It felt like a W. Labia, space, head, space, labia. The sensation Of feeling own body, but also having no sensation (since I was touching baby's head was too much. I immediately pulled my hand back and said (hub says yelled) No, no, of gosh I don't like that". Everyone laughed at me. There were a few points where they were like "you can take a break" but I needed to keep pushing. Also, there were times when it hurt SO much I just wanted a break, but the pressure was worse than the push pain. At one point I cried it hurt so badly, the doc laughed and said "oh you're doing it" I guess the head was just about out at that moment. Seconds later the doc told his intern to turn the shoulders and I felt all the pressure release. A few seconds after baby was born, the crying started!

At 7:05 AM the intern said "You have a daughter".

We all cried. I was just in shock.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings
1894-1962

Give the Ballot to the Mothers

It's finally here, election day in America 2016.

Just under 100 years after women secured the right to vote, a woman can be noted for as a major party candidate for president. In honor of the suffragists, We Wear White, my little girl and me. I might have gotten emotional. 

Mother, wife and daughter, 
Let it shelter and defend. 
"Equal Rights" our motto is, 
We're loyal to the end. 
Giving the ballot to the mothers.
http://www.folkways.si.edu/elizabeth-knight/give-the-ballot-to-the-mothers/historical-song-struggle-protest/music/track/smithsonian

Month One

One Month

2 days

1 Month

Weight- 9 lbs 2 oz (at 5 weeks)

Nicknames- Baby G, Little G, MG

Diapers- Newborn

Milestones- Going home, 

umbilical cord stump falling off, meeting friends and family, 

first wedding crashed, 

first dinner out, 

Someone paid for our meal this day!

first trip to the zoo, first hockey game

Sleep- Hub and I have worked out a system. I go to bed early, between 930 and 10:30. I sleep until Surya needs to eat again, around 1 or 2am. Most nights she'll sleep until 3:30 or 4. Often she will sleep from then until 7- the catch is, that's only on top of me. I have another unputdownable baby. 

Clothes- Newborn

Eating- Every few days we give Surya a formula bottle sometime between 9 and 11p. This is so I can get a little sleep. Otherwise, Surya is breastfed on demand. She eats way, way less than Kins did.

Likes- She is just a love! She loves snuggling and is so happy. Hardly ever cries and puts up with a lot of tough love from her big brother. She like car rides, Her family, kisses, getting changed and baths! (don't like this picture mislead you)

Dislikes- Sleeping alone

Illness- None, knock on wood!

Of Note- Surya watched the Cubs win the world series for the first time in 108 years!

I could explode with love for her.

Running, Running as Fast as We Can

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Let's channel Janice from Friends:

OH

MY

GAWD!

Two kids is no joke. I am exhausted, the house is a mess, I think I'm neglecting my pets and I know I'm neglecting myself. 

But

I know from kins these days are short- the days where babies need to be held all day- and night-  long. The days they do nothing but eat, sleep and cry (if put down). Hot tea and showers and housework will be there when things settle down. This face will not stay small for long, and her brother is LOVING that I am home (hub just went back to work, so he loved him being around too).

Surprise! Bubble Guppies is over (so kins is wanting me) and baby girl is waking up. That's all my time for today!

Run, Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
No Doubt, Running

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Quick update so I'm not leaving you all hanging:


MISS Mary-Grace was born 9/28/16. Though my hunch was always "girl" I still couldn't quite believe it when the doctor said "you have a daughter!"  

Though my family will never be truly complete, I feel like we can be content with our son and our daughter. I now know that I am raising a child of the gender of Blue Sunday. There is a peace in that for me. 

She is a lovely baby, looks JUST like her big brother. Breastfeeding is much easier the second time around. Labor was much more difficult. Full story to follow, but here we are - somewhere over the rainbow:

In L & D!!!

Here we are! Hoping for a baby tonight!!

That Moment When.. You Might Have Saved Someone's Life

Today is an incredible day.

Surya-Scott is still tucked up inside with no signs of making an appearance (at 39+4. ugg). Don't get excited for news on that front. BUT.

I have mentioned I'm a bit of a work-a-holic. I love what I do, who I work with (usually) and especially who I work FOR. In a brief recap, I work in clinical research and my current job has me working on a drug for very sick kids, teens and 20-somethings. They are dying, plain and simple. Though not in a plain and simple way (can you ever?).

I mentioned months ago that I had one of the worst days of my life due to my work going very unfortunately not our way. I wrote:

My last post was about a day full of anxiety. It actually turned out to be one of the worst days of my life- and I've had some doozies. There is an outside chance everything will work out, but it is looking unlikely. My heart is broken for some very deserving people.

Well, today, somehow, it all turned around. This is the final word (within reason) and a huge, huge success - professionally of course, but also personally. I know there are families who decide to terminate a pregnancy for this condition. I now also know that there is a treatment option where there wasn't before. It won't effect all the kids, it isn't a cure, but it is something. And that something is something I believe in. I think this works. I think it will extend lives and improve quality of life. I believe that I made the lives of some kids and their families brighter today, in my own small way. I may have saved some mother the terrible pain of a medical termination (conversely, I may have made that decision that much harder. This isn't a cure after all). I may have saved a life.

It feels amazing.

When I called hub, I was crying and shaking. Of course, he thought I was in labor. When we got that cleared up, he asked if I was ok. My response "I can't feel my hands". I was shaking so much. Truly an amazing day.

Bi-Monthly Update: 38 weeks

How far along: 38 Weeks (and 4 days) Almost there!

Baby is the size of a: Leek? This also seems small. This baby should be 6.5 pounds by now. BIG

Total weight gain: UP three pounds from starting, last time I got on the scale. I've thrown up dinner the last four nights.. so that might not be accurate, but I'm hoping. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, baby dropped and my belly is so low- it was very high with Kins

Stretch marks: Nope! and I don't get the brown line either. My stomach just looks like I eat too many solid donuts haha. 

Sleep: PLEASE. I am so tired

Best moment since last update: I had my last day in the office yesterday. I love my job, but it is an hour each way now that the kids are back in school. I am tried of being in the car. 

Miss anything: Comfort

Movement: yes, but the movements are weird- hard and shifty, not gentle bumps anymore. 

Food cravings:Meh, not into food

Anything making you queasy or sick: eating. Anything. I can't keep food down. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

Labor Signs? I'm having braxton hicks contractions still some hurt. Nothing is consistent. 

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. I have an appointment tomorrow, I was 1.5cm dilated last appointment (and 1 the appointment before that) hoping to be at a 2 tomorrow.. just back I want to feel things are slowly moving in the right direction. Last appointment I lost weight and was measuring a bit small (though baby is looooowwww) so we have an u/s tomorrow. I am hoping they aren't wanting to induce me. Thought I am READY to meet this baby.. it is a little bittersweet. I'll be done being pregnant forever once this baby is here. Also, I got my parents Bruce Springsteen tickets. I'm not sure they would miss it for the birth (I kid.. I think)

Bi-Monthly Update: 36 Weeks

How far along: 36 Weeks (and 4 days) WHAT??????

Baby is the size of a: Head of romaine, doesn't that seem smaller than a chicken? That was the 34 week food item 

Total weight gain: guys, I gained weight! As of this morning I am 2 pounds OVER starting! That is a 16 pound gain from lowest weight. It makes sense I'm gaining now, baby should be gaining an ounce a day. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, and I feel big. I think baby dropped. Everything fits weird. 

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: PLEASE. I am so tired

Best moment since last update: I (mostly) packed my bag. That was exciting. Though it was because I thought I might be in labor, which scared me. It's a little too early. 

Miss anything: Comfort

Movement: Lots and lots. Foot in ribs. 

Food cravings:Meh, not into food

Anything making you queasy or sick: Threw up just yesterday.. so no. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

Labor Signs? I'm having braxton hicks contractions, which I don't think I got with kins. At least I don't really remember them. 

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. I have an appointment tomorrow, I don't know if we're treating it like 37 weeks or like 36. I'm not sure if we'll do a cervical check.

Odds and Ends

It's been an eventful several weeks, and I just haven't had the time and energy to update. So here I am now, making and Odds and Ends post.

Should Surya-Scott be a boy, he's had a name for months now. Hub really is attached to what I consider a joke name- it is a sound alike first name to our last name. It was his nickname during his time overseas and so I understand, but also.. if he (surya-scott) wants to go by this name, he can do so as a nickname from our last name and no one would thinks it's odd. BUT he named kins and knows I'm not going with the name he likes. He doesn't LOVE the name I have chosen, but sees the sentimentality of it and likes it enough. If Surya-Scott is a girl.. she is nameless. The most frustrating part is that hub and I have liked the same names throughout the pregnancy- just at different times. Yesterday I came around on a name he likes. It is meaningful, but wasn't my 'style'. I finally saw a little girl with this name in my family.. and I came home to tell him- and (I am NOT making this up) HE decided his vote was my previous number one name. It's funny- but really frustrating.

Hub's foot is not broken!!! At least, not anymore. There was a fracture, which healed, but created bone spurs which are cutting into a tendon. Ouch. For unknown reasons (which I think are related to our annual town 5K), the pain from this flares up which causes swelling, causing additional chafing of bone on tendon. This is not a good situation, but not one he needs a cast/boot, crutches or surgery for in the short term. To be continued post baby...

I mentioned in my micro post that baby flipped! This is going to be its own post since I am IN AWE of the voodoo I did to flip this kid. And a TOTAL believer in acupuncture, chiropractors and spinning babies. Short story- went to Acupuncture hours later I felt baby flip hours after that confirmation on ultrasound and was told "no way baby will flip, there isn't enough fluid". MAGIC.

I am wrapping up my office life. I had a lot of e-mails kicking around my in-box, papers on my desk and work in progress. I am trying to get all this done for my boss (we're a team of 2) by the 9th of September. I am still concerned they will want to induce me at 39 weeks- which is the 16th. If that is looking like the case, I will be taking the week of the 12th off. Otherwise, my last day will be the 16th in the hopes of a ~40 week natural labor. With kins, the holidays were a good reason to have my last in office day be the day I started week 38. 

I am super uncomfortable. Like really, really uncomfortable. I ended up at my midwife's office 2 weeks ago with terrible pubic pain. No sign of infection, I was closed and firm and the FFN test was negative (it can [redict preterm labor) so the assumption is SPD. It is occasionally excruciating and usually uncomfortable. I went when it was just a bum in my pelvis, now with a head there.. there are times I could cry. 

Overall though, my BP is low (but not too low!), baby is moving and was five and half pounds at my ultrasound at 34.5 weeks, Kins' room is coming along (his big boy bed is due in today - I'm so torn.), baby clothes are getting washed. I'm giant!!

Odds and ends, odds and ends

Lost time is not found again.

Bob Dylan, Odds and Ends

Bi-Monthly Update: 34 Weeks

How far along: 35 Weeks. I lied in the title. Life is crazy

Baby is the size of a: A small rosting chicken. Same shape too. haha

Total weight gain: Lost 3 pounds- at -3 since start of pregnancy- but +12 from lowest. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, I get told how little I look, but feel HUGE. 

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: Not awesome, as usual

Best moment since last update: We had professional maternity pictures done (haven't gotten them back yet), and normally that would be my high point BUT I held this update for my ultrasound which was a few days ago and BABY TURNED!!!!! WOO-HOO

Also, I saw Billy Joel in concert and it was AMAZING. DREAM of mine. For real

Miss anything: Seeing my feet. Being comfortable, Sam Summer and now Pumpkinhead

Movement: Lots and lots. 

Food cravings: I really wanted a Chicken and avocado sandwich sandwich the other day- then only ate half 

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still vomiting. Horrible heartburn. Honestly, I'm never hungry. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

Labor Signs? Baby's head is in the correct position- which is like 3 inches from the outside world it feels like. No labor signs though. My midwife discussed 39 week induction with me. She may not officially suggest an induction then, (she was going to look into WHY IVF babies are induced at 39 weeks in my hospital system) and I may not accept it. But I HOPE baby is a bit early. I am way, way more uncomfortable than I was with kins at this point (I think)

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. And pumpkinhead and before all that Kid Rock and Jason Aldean next week :) 

Cheating at #MicrobloggingMonday

I am cheating at this today. I have A LOT to say- so I am making a micro post and a big 'un.

For micro: I read this article linked from facebook by a mother who lost her daughter at birth. Nadia, the baby, was very sick. Her parents discovered this VERY late in pregnancy- 37 weeks. They considered termination as well as a C-section and intervention but ultimately chose comfort care instead. Regardless, Nadia was stillborn. One of the paragraphs her mother wrote struck me as a universal for the babylost community:

...I look at her pictures, hand prints, the plaster cast of her feet. But what would she have been like?Or was sick all that she could have ever been? How could a gene or two erase everything else that she was, had the potential to be? Some parts of me, some parts of André, some history of all life ever, assembled into her, an almost perfect child. Almost.
People understand that to lose a baby before it has been born is to lose an object of hope; that a beautiful idea of what the future should have held was suddenly ripped away from us. But there has to be more to it. Was it just hope that grew as the pregnancy progressed, as she passed all the usual markers for concern, and was this what set us up for our big crash? Or was it her that grew, and became more human? I cannot imagine anything specific to her as a person however hard I try. And yet I long for her, so badly. But how do I even know that I long for her?

I remember in a long ago post I was circling this question myself. Who was Blue Sunday? Or more correctly- who would Blue Sunday have been? IF- if the chromosomes were typically arranged, or IF he could have survived even with T18. I wrote:

... May be I'm on the right track. And what happened to Blue Sunday was just a huge Charlie Foxtrot. I want to emphasize "what happened to Blue Sunday", I don't believe that Blue was the disease, I feel that she/he was separate from it. That this is something that happened to him/her and not all he/she was. I know that is a little point, but it is one that matters, and one that makes it so hard for me. The extra chromosome was added to a baby who would have been wonderful, special., naughty, cute and mine all on his or her own.  I'll never know what that little person was like because of this little extra piece. It's true I suppose- It's the little things.

Even so many years out, I still ask these questions.

I think about it a lot more now, now that I am weeks from delivering our second rainbow, I am very close to finally finding out the gender of Blue Sunday. I decided to find out when my family reached what we will call complete.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Bi-Monthly Update: 32 Weeks

How far along: 32 Weeks 

Baby is the size of a: A half-gallon of milk! That's pretty big actually

Total weight gain: I've broken even with my pre-pregnancy weight. Net is 0, I've put back on 14 pounds that I had lost though. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, though I did find some soft, linen pre-pregnancy shorts that work.

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: Not awesome, but there is lots of stress

Best moment since last update: Ugh this was a rough time. I guess I'l go with getting back to pre-pregnancy weight. I was a little worried I'd end net-negative. 

Miss anything: Not having heartburn.

Movement: Yes, a lot. Unfortunately breech to vertex back to breech. Now LOTS of kicking- to my cervix. Sigh

Food cravings: meh. Not a fan of food. Actually, I eat a lot of jelly beans. haha How silly

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still vomiting on the regular.So, yes. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

31-ish weeks

Labor Signs? I have had some pain, but nothing that says "labor". No swelling and rings (and normal shoes) still on!

A Worried (Wo)Man with a Worried Mind #microbloggingMonday

Really, nothing has changed since my last posts. It's almost comical how little worrying does. 

Hub had his appointment on Friday, and they had him do an MRI that night. I looked at the CD of images they gave us. I am fairly certain I can point to where the fracture is, but of course, I got my radiology degree from Google U so what do I know? As of late Monday, we haven't heard back from the doc, though I didn't really expect them to call today. I'm hoping by Wednesday.

I had some significant pelvic pain on Sunday after going to the gym. The pain raidated into my thighs. It didn't feel like contractions, so I wasn't concerned really. My Google MD lead to me SPD. Hub was really worried so I called the midwife yesterday (after my morning meetings). I had to have a cervical check, AFP test, Urine test (UTI?) and then be on the NST. Nothing alarming. BUT baby is definitely breech. we could find his/her head firmly in my top right hand side. Yesterday I am SURE baby was head down (kicking in top of uterus, hiccups at the bottom, more classic belly shape and movement). I am NOT impressed. 

So all in all- no change for hub- still assuming his foot is broken. He is still not really taking care of himself. Baby still breech, not much to do there. ugh

A worried man with a worried mind
No one in front of me and nothing behind
Bob Dylan, Things Have Changed