Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Let's Get it Started

This is the bag that the clinic gave me to collect hub’s… sample. I had a good laugh it when I got home and told hub about how I felt like I had a big “I’m infertile” spotlight on me- and he said “Well, if you’re the one collecting that sample, that’s your problem”. Maybe you had to be there, but it was a good laugh. You should have seen me walking out of the clinic with it, head high and looking nonchalant while my head is screaming “I can’t believe this is my life”. Because I can’t- believe this is my life that is. I’ve been pregnant- more than once- I know I can carry a child- a bit too well- and yet I have paperwork The says “Female Infertility NOS”

And in other news, Hub has a friend at work who I have only met once. He is a really, really nice man by all accounts and an excellent father. (some stuff I deleted relating to non-traditional sperm donation) He mentioned the two spouses of his co-workers- me and another woman should be invited to his new-son's baby shower. He mentioned to hub that there was no one else he would invite He mentioned wanting hub and I to hang out with them (he and his child’s mom). I would love to go- and I will go- but I feel like it might be impossibly hard.

Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here.
Lose control, of body and soul.
Don't move too fast, people, just take it slow.
Don't get ahead, just jump into it.

Black Eyed Peas, Let's Get it Started

P.S. 3DPO and don't feel hopeless yet! Yay!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Though I have not gotten mine (yet), I am joyous that two friends have finally received their pots of gold- One IRL and one from the blogs. Mrs. Wonderful is finally mothering a living child- He was born yesterday and is beautiful. The labor was long and physically difficult, but not nearly as emotionally difficult as her 20 week still birth a year and half ago. A blog friend who also TFMRed gave birth to her daughter last week. Her daughter is gorgeous and healthy.

I am jealous, of course, but not like I am over some other people. Since they are fellow BLMs, I know just how much their rainbows mean to them. I can’t help but rejoice.

Congrats to Mrs. Wonderful and Biojen. I wish you and your new babies all the joy in the world.

Monday, January 28, 2013

A Big Week!

I am having a big, big week and I am really excited for it.

Finally, after all this time  TTC, we're set to get some answers.  Hub's SA is set for Thursday, which is my day 21 lab draw.

I O'ed yesterday, which was day 17. It is still later than I expect, but this month it was a blessing, since hub was away until the late night of Day 12. We did EOD (13, 15 and 17) and will finish tonight, which gives him 2 days abstinence required for the SA. That's good luck- which is abnormal for us!

Last night All day yesterday, hub and I met up with our couple friends, and had some Sunday- Fun day day drinking. Hub and I were committed to being hermits all day and then going to 6:30 movie, but we got a text from JAM asking us to come for dinner. Since that was a no-go (movie), they asked us to join them for lunch and a few drinks. (stuff I deleted they are TTC) We have plans to go away Friday night and skiing Saturday, coming back for my friend's surprise party. Should be a good weekend.

I should be submitting my plan for my Practicum to my university. I have to complete this 112 hour work project before I can graduate (hopefully this summer). I should be starting in the next few weeks and I am really excited about it!

On top of all that, I have a major work project due in the next few weeks and am working form home to complete it- I LOVE working from home. I gain 2 hours by not needing to commute and I don't need to bother with work clothes.

Fingers crossed we finally caught the egg- and if not, that there are no no sperm issues so that I can start medication in March and may be use the luck of the Irish to get some Clomid Twins of my very own!

On top of all this, I want to thank my blogging buddies. Many of you have reached out on some recent posts, in e-mails and comments, and I am moved by your compassion and understanding. I especially want to thank Elizabeth, I read her blog about her beautiful son and it makes me feel much more sure about my ability to adopt and how it is not a second-rate way to build a family Her son isn't "like her own son"  he IS her own son. We don't share our opinions on everything- but even in the relative anonymity of the internet, she is respectful and kind. She has open my eyes to ways of thinking I am not accustomed to, and I thank her and others who share their lives on the internet.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Blog for Choice Day: Woman Shaming

I missed Blog for Choice Day, I wanted to say more than I could type in an evening. I am doing a re-do and back-posting this.

On this, the 40th anniversary of Roe v Wade, I am more grateful for the decision than I ever have been in the past. Last year, I was still deep in the fog of grief and disbelief and the anniversary passed me by, unnoticed. This year, it deserves my attention.
This decision was and is so important, because it allows choice in a terrible time in a person’s life. Before you’re in that situation, no one would believe that they will be the person that needs an abortion. To each person need is different, but to many, many people a needed abortion is possibility, even if that isn’t acknowledged in the usual abortion discourse. Legal abortion ensures that each woman and couple who are in a situation where they feel they need an abortion can receive one safely. Nothing more and nothing less.
In our hearts and minds, Hub and I needed an abortion. Another person or couple might view an abortion in my situation as unnecessary. They could argue that since the child would die anyway we should wait for that. That person might view a necessary abortion as one done on a viable fetus who would be born into a situation of addiction or violence. Another might view a needed abortion as one of a fetus who was conceived by rape or incest, forcing the mother to live though her trauma for the length of her pregnancy (and beyond). Most would agree that an abortion to save the life and health of a mother is needed- very, very few argue against prescribing medication to initiate an abortion in the case of a tubal pregnancy. All but the most ardent pro-life is actually against abortion in all cases- it is a matter of reminding people that abortions aren’t always un-wed teen moms who still want to fit in their prom dress.  Almost any woman could find herself in the situation of need.  
There is a saying that goes “The only moral abortion is my abortion”. I think that sentiment is woman shaming and that it needs to stop. There are whole host of reasons why people chose to abort,  just as there many, nuanced reasons why people chose to leave school, sever ties with family members and get a divorce. There are whole multitude of other painful, difficult, situations where people feel forced to pick between two awful, no good, very bad options. Rather than saying “I would never do that” it is time to turn to our sisters and feel their pain, support their choices and lift them up.
I understand that there are deep religious and moral reasons for people to be anti-abortion, but being anti-abortion should not mean that you have to be anti-choice. I was anti-abortion in the case of Blue Sunday. I did not want to abort my baby. There is nothing I would not have done to save my baby. I would have fallen to the feet of the Lord, I would have given up my home, my job, all of my worldly possessions for that baby to have been born healthy. This is the greatest tragedy of my life (and I hope that it remains as such). The decision was terrible- have a child born into a life of pain and medical interventions, or abort now and allow a painless passing. Legislation that would have forced me to carry to term would have made an unspeakably bad situation immeasurably worse. It is a huge disservice to me, my child and others like me. I know there are people saying “but you’re an unusual case”. I assure you, I am not. There are hundreds of others like me, there are others who feel just as desperate and just as justified in other situations, like those in the situations I mentioned above and in countless others I can’t imagine, who feel that abortion is their only way out.
Women need to look at the world around them and realize a few key things:
1) Legislation doesn’t your religious code- don’t make this the exception. Abortion can be “morally wrong” and legal just as divorce, working on the Sabbath, not honoring your parents and thousands of other religious tenants.
2) Abortion is not often used as birth control. It is painful, expensive and emotionally taxing. It is far riskier than birth control pills and condoms. I’m not saying it never happens, but this is not a reasonable argument against abortion. It is like outlawing all guns because they can be used to kill people. Outlawing some, 3rd trimester abortions for non-medical reasons- automatic machine guns, makes sense, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater (see what I did there? A baby comment when talking about abortion- ouch).
3) It isn’t okay to tear each other down. Women aren’t the oppressed bunch we used to be, but there is still a long way to go. Women have surpassed men in yearly college attendance rates, we hold CEO positions, elected office and are leaders in the home and work environments.  But women still make less than men, on average, we are still held to different moral and physical standards: women who sleep around are called sluts by men and women alike, a beautiful woman in a reveling outfit was “asking for it” if she is raped. A women who had an abortion is an immoral skank who should have kept her legs closed.  None of these assumptions are true. None of these actions happen in a vacuum where only bad people have sex, wear reveling clothes or get pregnant in a bad situation. Women have lives and stories to tell- listen to them- just maybe it will change your mind.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Same Book, New Chapter

We have a tentative plan for giving me some help in conceiving!

 I was really, really tired Thursday morning. I had to drive hub to the airport for a business trip an we were in the car at 5:30, due to some printing issues we were at Walmart at 11:30 buying a new printer (they were out of ink and it was only 34$ for a printer so... ). I might have gotten 4 hours or sleep, coupled with the stress of him leaving, I was feeling nauseous. I actually vomited, but that isn't super unusual for me when I'm really tired. The flu had been rampant at my work last week and I just kept begging myself to stay well until 11 on Thursday- my appointment time. I should have asked to stay well until 12:30 when I would have been getting home. The nausea didn't relent by the time I got to work at 7:30- and it progressed into more frequent vomiting, diarrhea and body aches. When I left at 10:30 I knew I wouldn't be back.  

I did make it into the appointment but I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been (but I managed not to vomit in her office- I call it a win). The doc is concerned that my cycles have been irregular since TMFR, she said that there is nothing about the surgery that should have done that to me. Though she finds it odd that I was super regular before and irregular after.  A snapshot of the last 6 months:

Dec 14- O CD 18; LP- 10days
Nov 20- O CD 12; LP- 12days
Oct 25- O CD 13, LP- 13days
Sept 27- O CD 14; LP- 14days
Sept 1- O CD 14 LP- 12days
Aug 7- O CD 13; LP- 12days

Keep in mind for most of these cycles, I was spotting several days before the next cycle started. I count it as a small blessing that my ovulation was on day 18 last month. It had never been that off before,  but I think it really sparked some concern in the doc. Before that it was irregular, but not terribly so.. except that I used to know the time of day I would start, not just the day. Because of this issue, we are planning on medicating to force regular ovulation assuming the sperm analysis comes back normal. She is VERY cautious and doesn't want to medicate without cause (And I am very glad for her caution).

I am eager to get started, but Hub is away for a few more nights, and she cautioned against doing an SA in the days immediately following travel since "Everything effects sperm count". Most likely we'll do the SA early next week. I have to do bloods on day 21 (today is 10) and day 3. She wants to re-do the SHG.. but I don't know why. I'll call after the day 3 bloods and make sure she remembered we already did it. I was just too sick to ask.

About that sick, I was literally crying on the way home because I didn't think I would make it. I was full on fever, body aches, chills nausea, and cramps. I walked in the door with a plan to grab my work cell, go to the bathroom upstairs and go to bed. I barely made it to the downstairs bathroom before vomiting. I was up and down every 30 minutes to use the bathroom. It was HORRIBLE. I started to feel better on Friday, though I called out of work, and am slowly continuing to improve this weekend. I am debating working from home tomorrow.  This was a TERRIBLE time for hub to be away.

Hub should be home on Tuesday night (though snow is expected, so we'll see) that is just in time for scheduled O, but I am not particularity hopeful- for either an on time O or unmedicated conception. We are planning on him going to the SA early next week! Looks like we'll have a plan mid-February and  can get started on something for my March cycle. I am feeling pretty good about that.

I know you don't wanna hear the same old line
So you'll just have to read
The writing on the wall
Utopia, Chapter and Verse

Monday, January 14, 2013

These Hard Times

I have had lots of bad news today and it's really bringing me down.. and making me feel lousy that I'm so sad over so little.

I know I have said before, but I will again, my hub is The Best Thing. I wouldn't even trade him for the promise healthy child. I know that not all people are as lucky as I, and there was an example of that in the BLM world today. A fellow TFMR mom is going through an awful time. Her husband walked out, which really is bad enough, but he walked out because her 15 year old daughter is having a crisis (she is relativity newly adopted). On top of that, they have a 7 year-old... and one more on the way any day now. How could someone walk out on their 9 months pregnant wife, and 2 kids, one of whom is in crisis? I know there are a lot of pitfalls in older-child adoption (Hub and I have been reading up), I can't imagine the decision to adopt is ever taken lightly. I know this family put a lot of thought into adoption, and it makes me so sad (and scared) that it can all fall apart.

To help myself forget this awfulness, I went onto the Debate chat board, and came face-to-face with blatant ignorance. There was some horrible YouTube video about how the Sandy Hook tragedy didn't actually happen, that it was made up by Obama to pass gun control.

To help myself forget that awfulness, I went onto the Debate chat board, and came face-to-face with blatant, willful ignorance. There was some horrible YouTube video about how the Sandy Hook tragedy didn't actually happen, that it was made up by Obama to pass gun control. The parents of the children were all actors. People were debating the family photos released and how the dead kids were Photoshoped in (not everyone, but enough that I was disgusted). I was so angry at this disrespect I couldn’t say anything at all. To those poor children, the bereaved families, the traumatized survivors- on behalf of the conspiracy morons- I apologize for their ignorance.

(Some stuff went here that I decided to delete)

And 4 people in my office have the flu- 2 of whom I was locked in a small office with on Friday. I just need to say well until after my appointment on Thursday.

We may loose our focus
There's just too many words
We're never meant to learn
And we don't feel so alive

So goodbye, these days are gone
And we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times
Through these hard times
Matchbox 20, These Hard Times