Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Hate My Job


New F*&^ing Office Pregnant Girl.

We were having a Thanksgiving Pot Luck and there she was in all her profile glory. I thought she was just fat.

Here I am, on Cycle Day 1 listening to her talk about buying a crib and a stroller. “Oh there is so much to do” Boo-Fucking- Hoo. I had to leave and am now sitting at my desk hating her, the holidays and myself.

Who have I become? What has this experience caused me to be? I should be happy for her, instead I want to slap her and ask if she knows her baby can just die. I know it’s a honeymoon or just after baby, she was just married in the spring. Isn’t that nice to not struggle over it, for it not to consume you.  

I am bitter and angry and sad. I am sick to death of the sinking feeling that comes when I start spotting, and sinking lower when the bleeding really starts. I’m sick of feeling no joy when faced with a pregnancy that isn’t to one of the BLMs. I can hardly even face Mrs. Wonderful anymore.

8 weeks until the real testing begins. May be I can avoid being on the sidelines and into the pregnancy game when Mrs. Wonderful gives birth in February. May be. May be Not.

I hate my job, I hate my life and if it weren't for my two kids I'd hate my ex-wife
I know I should move on and try to start again
But I just can't get over her leaving me for him
Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring and said I hate everything

George Strait, I Hate Everything

Oh Miserable Guy in the Song, it could be worse, you still have 2 kids.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Where am I Going?

I’ve been absent because I’m not sure what this blog is moving towards anymore. I don’t know what I’m moving towards anymore.

I am not one of those women who struggle with regrets: not really anyway.
I am terribly sorry that this happened to Blue Sunday, but that isn’t really a regret.
I regret that I bargained with god when I was pregnant to please, please not let me miscarry. I started bleeding at 10w1d: My parents were on vacation: I didn’t want to do it alone. That would have been so much easier. Careful what you wish for, right? I don’t even believe it, that’s the worst part of that regret.
I DON’T regret my choice, I did the right thing for the innocent life inside of me. I don’t regret not doing L&D. I don’t have a laundry list of doubts: Did I do the right thing? Could I have handled it? Would he have lived? Yes, No and No. Emphatically so.

The women who regret and question seem to be the ones who can mourn for ages. They can think about their baby and imagine another life. In my other life, I am still in mourning, just for less time than I have been in this life.

I’m not the type to write letters to Blue Sunday- I think the little spirit has moved on. Hopefully to someone else, or waiting for me- but more likely just gone, gone. Forever gone.

I am not pregnant. That’s the other place these blogs go. Perpetual mourning or new hope. And I am neither. Not really.

I think I’ve gone depressed. I’m not crying all the time like before. I earned those tears and they made me feel better. I’m just generally sad, worn out and defeated. I can’t concentrate, not even on TTC anymore. I missed a bunch of test sticks this month and it didn’t really phase me. We didn’t feel like Sexy Time on a night that was key for baby making- so we skipped it. This would have been unthinkable just a few weeks ago.. but we just don’t have the heart anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, we want a baby, but it is all I’ve thought about for 1 year and 8 months now. Too long.

It doesn’t help that we have been TTC for so long that my EDD for the first month we “really” tried post-loss passed Monday. I remember because I thought having a baby on Veteran’s day (observed) would be nice for our military family- though I would likely have missed a very close friend’s wedding (which was Saturday). I never thought there was a chance in hell I would be drinking at that wedding- but drink I did.

This blog should hit its 5000th view with this post- which is cool. I assume that my readers are other TFMR moms, some non-TFMR loss moms, may be one or two parents of kids with special needs and I assume a voyeur or two (which is fine, it doesn’t bother me in the least). To all of you, thanks for reading, and hugs to you all in whatever your life trial is that brought you here.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sad Today

Sad Today.

Crushingly sad.


Ahh the question I am never supposed to ask. It's been a why day- Why my baby, why me, why am I not pregnant.

Why am I sad?

I am ready to be a mom, and yet, I am not. Why?

Why isn't my body in tune with my mind?

I was half-listening to iTunes when The Man I'll Never Be came on (Boston). I could have sworn I heard "The mom I'll never be". Insert crying jag here. Then I was looking for a pen in the office drawer, and I found the chalk I bought to make this, about a year ago now:

I was so fucking sure of my self. What an asshole.

I can't get any stronger
I can't climb any higher
You'll never know just how hard I've tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can't be satisfied

Boston, The Man I'll Never Be

Monday, November 5, 2012

I Hate E-mail....

Received today:

Hi Lizzy,

Dxxx had been in charge of this while I was on maternity leave.  But, now it is her turn to go on maternity leave, so I will be taking it back to complete the report.  I had previously been working with (guy who has been gone for at least 6 months), and he is named on our documents.  Should I replace his name with yours when I write the amendment to change Dxxx’s name to mine?  I wasn’t sure if you were replacing him in this role or working with him.  Thank you for the clarification.

Have a nice day.

Good to know that your company has a track record of pregnancies with a happy endings, do you have a job for (insert my job title here)?! Also, I am glad to know that Dxxxx did nothing while you were gone! Guess she was too busy growing another human. May be that was my issue, I actually did my job while I was pregnant. So-and-so has been gone for well over 6 months, so BOTH of you were remiss in not changing his name. Please do so if you can manage in between talking about the baby factory you clearly work in.  That better not be at cost.

P.s. F you!


EDIT- In the Great Re-Reading/ Re-Publishing review I had a little laugh over this (a bitter, ironic one, but a laugh none the less). This was published 11/5/12. 11 months after this posting, my colleague went out on her maternity leave (Ray) and she same back 6 days before Liam was born. I had already been out of the office working from home for 2 weeks at that time. Amazing what a difference a year can make.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Things I am Excited For/About

Since I am always a negative nelly, here are some things I am happy about/ excited for/ love:

One and Two: I am a summer girl through and through, but I love BOTH of these winter only things: Mint Hershey's Kisses (spied last night at CVS and currently being slowly devoured by me) and skiing (hyped in the Boston Globe insert today)

Three, Four and Five: New make-up I love (Dream Airfoam by Maybelle), a flattering  photograph and a guy that loves me (in no particular order of course)
Six:iTunes today- Don't Worry, Be Happy is EXACTLY what I needed to hear while stressing over homework. Also, I find its ironic humor hilarious- it then played "Higher Power" (Boston) and "My Prayer" (Celine Dion & Andre Bocelli).. what I need working in my favor to ever finish this damn assignment!

Do you know Higher Power? It is actually an awesome, empowering song:

Hey, my higher power
The world is spinnin'
But I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me the power 
It's the beginnin'
The beginnin' of another day.
Boston, Higher Power

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Light at The End of The Tunnel

I am starting to feel something that is just a bit like Hope.

I has an appointment with my Ob/GYN for my yearly. It was about a year from my first prenatal appointment with Blue Sunday. It was cycle day 3. I was terrified I would have to cancel as I had booked it over a month ago and taken a work-from-home day for it. Turns out I wasn't heavy so I was still able to go in. After the usual yearly appointment tests and questions we got into the 10 cycles of fruitless trying.

We agreed that the holidays are a bad time to add stressful testing and procedures and that it would be better, at this point, that insurance pay for them. So we're going to hold off until after New Year's day and then start with Tests for Him and a few for me. I had most of my early stage fertility work ups few months ago and things looked good. I'll need later-in-the-cycle blood tests once we get going.  Of course, we're all hoping that I'll get pregnant in the next 3 cycles (since January 1st will fall mid-cycle number 13). Regardless of those 3 changes, I'm gearing up for the middle of January.

I started on herbs from the acupuncturist. They taste awful and smell even worse, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. I have been seriously working on weight loss, though not getting very far I plan on continuing with that. Acupuncture continues, and is relaxing. I was upset when he shared with me that there will be a break in my treatment for a week- his wife is due with their first baby any day. He was just so excited and happy with the news... As he should be..... But it felt like salt in a very few wound.

In other Light at the End of the Tunnel news, I am set to graduate in May!!! I am very excited to be nearly done with studying (and paying!) for school.... But I had a vision in my head of holding a child in my arms at that graduation. When I first started school, it was just am imaginary, nameless, ageless kid. Hub was still deployed and we didn't know when we would start trying. Then we were trying and I started imaging a baby one and a half, one and five months, one and four months and on and on until I was imagining Blue Sunday who would be 3 weeks shy of one. I was convinced Blue Sunday was a boy not long into My pregnancy and imagined him in a baby suit. Then T18 happened and I stopped imaging the future at all. After a while, coming out of the fog, I started trying again and imagined instead a 6 month old, a 5 month old and so on until I imagined missing graduation for the best reason ever. Then the dream died. If I get pregnant this month I'll be 7 months along, showing al least, but that dream is quickly slipping away.

I think I am going to start imagining a future of injections, exams and IVF... At least if all that doesn't happen it is a positive (assuming it's because I'm pregnant).

Note: I really thought this was going to be a positive post......

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Upon Entering The Holidays

Long, Long Winter

One down, 3 to go.

Halloween is over. I was pretty okay through most of the day. I had a tiny crying jag on the way home, but stopped quickly fearing that I would make a mother feel worse than I do by running over her child. I didn't have enough time to really dwell on the day.

As everyone knows, Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the North East earlier this week. I am a Bostonian, though missed much of the storm in Miami for a friend’s wedding. Though I never like to see people’s homes and lives destroyed, I do love a good storm and was sad to miss it… but not that sad. I ended up having my flight delayed by a day and a half, arriving home late the day before Halloween. I bought candy on the way home from work and arrived in the neighborhood while kids were making their way down the streets. That is when the crying jag took place. I would have/ could have/ should have had a 5 month old to show off last night. Thank goodness I didn’t remember to buy a baby costume last November 1st like I had meant to.

There was one point that I did just close the door and cry. A woman came up with three kids probably between the ages of 3 and 8. She had a baby in her arms. They were adorable. They were not mine. I didn’t have a pumpkin, ladybug or monkey in a sling in front of me. Sometimes I just can’t stand it. Usually I can.

I think Thanksgiving will be a respite, as it is purely a food holiday. I can be Thankful for surviving this year (god willing). Christmas.. that’s going to be a complete and total shit show. I am almost positive Hub didn’t take out the “Last year of you and me” and the 2 birds with an egg between them ornaments that we had to commemorate my pregnant Christmas. The Christmas things are next to the pregnancy things in the attic. Christmas was the very last day last year I was happily, blissfully expecting a baby in May. A healthy baby. A baby that had potential.  December 26th I got the call that changed everything. New Years I was trashy: both drunk and pregnant. I thought Blue Sunday should enjoy just one luxury of growing up. We had already scheduled the termination by then. 4 days later is Blue Sunday’s day. I don’t know what I’ll do for it.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

To cannibalize a phrase:  Today I got through a holiday, and today I love that I survived.

It's gonna be a long, long winter for me
It's gonna be a long, long winter you see
It's cold outside I'm just not feeling right
My woman left me on the midnight train
she ain't coming back again
Well that girl she's gone from me, left my heart in misery
Bob Marley, Long Winter