Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I Guess We Never Really Moved On: EBD Five

Lips of an Angel


My goodness I should have a 5 year old.

That is crushing. I miss my baby. I know I never knew him. I know we didn’t have much time together. I remember so much more of that pregnancy than my other 2. It makes sense in a lot of ways- pregnancy was the only time we had, and it was my first pregnancy. 

Now having two kids, I can see the way even kids with the same mom and dad, born into about the same situation can vary so much. MG is easy, laid back and just a ray of happiness. Kinsy is strong-willed, sensitive and a BIG personality. I adore them both though they are completely different. I'll never really glimpse at what I'm missing with Blue Sunday.

And never is forever- so it will hurt forever.

This is what people in my real life don't get. I know the feelings of some- that I should move on, that I should seek help, that I keep building up the mountain that should now be eroded to a molehill. I have sought help and I had two therapists tell me I am totally normal and appropriately dealing. They agree- it will always hurt, I am in the majority of loss moms who feel jealous, angry and sad when others don't and can't understand this grief.

Day to day, I'm OK. I treasure my kids, and I probably love them a little harder for what brought me here. But every year, as the days pass and we come to late May- I think "in another place and time, where my eggs weren't masquerading as old ladies way before their time- would this have been my first baby's birthday? What would I have been feeling 5 years ago today? Right now?" And worse in some ways "What am I missing today?" The first party with real friends? A best friend for myself in the mom of some other like-age little kid? A thousand laughs, smiles and tears and a thousand thousand to come. 

My girl’s in the next room, 
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
Hinder, Lips of an Angel

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Month Seven

Month Seven

Weight- ? no recent weights I'd guess she is in the high 16 or low 17 pounds 

Diapers- Size 2 


Sitting up all on her own!

4/16 Easter

Eating foods! (carrots, prunes, pumpkin, squash, avocado.. also kinsy fed her cake...)
Cake pop.. and MG wanting more 4/19
mmmm Carrots 4/28

First night without Mama :( (I was in London for 2 nights)
Bottle for bedtime 4/7

I made A LOT of milk while traveling 4/7

Sleep- By the end of this month she was in her own bed until about 1AM, up for feeding, back in her bed in our room until 3:30 and then in bed with me. Progress. She is taking more regular naps now too. Yay!

Clothes- 3-6 months,  now sleeping in a Zippity-zip because she was waking up so hot in the Merlin Sleepsuit! (probably from the bed sharing)

EatingShe started getting solids this month. We gave her banana cut into sticks as her first food (since the baby cereal was a fail, as was avocado). She liked it but Kins was gagging at the site of the mushy food. Which is really funny since earlier the day that happened he HAD HIS HANDS IN THE TOILET looking for the poop he had flushed. She is willing to eat purees from a spoon now. Yay. Also Kinsy gave her cake. She's now had cake twice. oh boy. 

Likes-  Her big Brother!

Hub and I - we get huge bright smiles when she sees us

DislikesSleeping alone. Being put down.