Monday, March 23, 2015

I Live for Little Moments #microbloggingMonday

Kins is just the sweetest little boy.

I was putting him to bed tonight and I read him a story that made me cry (Little Boy) when I cried, kins would look at me so concerned. It was adorable.

After I finished reading, I let him look through the book, he kept looking at the page about waving good bye with an old couple standing outside. Then we turned off the light and I sang to him. I always do that.

When I was signing kins started waving bye to me. When I would wave back he would laugh and stop waving. Then he would start right up again. We just have spent 10 minutes waving and laughing.

14 months is my favorite so far.

I live for 
little moments
like that
Brad Paisley, Little Moments

Friday, March 20, 2015

Beautiful Day

Welcome to the first day of Spring.

Snow is in the forecast, and the space heater is still on in the (freezing, un-insulated) kitchen.

Never-the-less it's been getting slightly warmer, the sun is out more, I heard a bird chirp the other day.

Spring is a time of hope.

I am feeling hopeful.

O day was today, triggered Wednesday. I had 1.5 follicles- one was 22 one was 16, which is too small unless it gained another 2mm in the time between scan an O- which is possible since it takes 24-36 hours to O and there were an additional 15 hours between scan and trigger. Does the trigger prevent additional growth?

Should I get pregnant this cycle I'd be due 2 weeks before Christmas, bub was born 2 weeks after Christmas (to the day). That feels right.

I hope it's this month.

If not, we're in for some freaky timing.

1/4/2012- Blue Sunday Termination
1/4/2014- Bub due date
1/8/2014- Bub born
1/9/2016- April 2014 conception due date.

With that in mind.. I kind of assume it will be next month. That's how things work for me. Hub and I  had our first date 5/19 and he proposed on that date 4 years later. It wasn't in any way intentional- there was a big event that night where he proposed. There have been many other times these things have lined up, but that's the most dramatic one.

I hope it's this month, but if not... I like my chances next month too.

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it slip away
U2, Beautiful Day 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

BF Redux

I was desperate for breast feeding success stories (minus sunshine and rainbows) when I was in my first few weeks of motherhood. To pay it forward- here is the good, the bad and the ugly of BFing.


Kins was almost 100% breastfed until he started solids at 6 months and had no liquids but water until almost 12 months. At that point we introduced milk in a sippy cup. He was last BFed on January 26th 1 year and 2 weeks. His last bottle of pumped milk was in November.
The first several weeks were BRUTAL.
By month 2 I loved it.
There were times I thought he wasn’t getting enough (wrong), that he was too small (wrong) and that I just couldn’t continue (wrong).
Best Advice: Don’t quit on your worst day.

After last BF. Bittersweet

The Dirty Details

The Early Days

Before kins was born I was “Eh” on BFing. I know it’s great for babies, but I didn’t know if it would be right for me and my baby. Hub laughed (gently) that I wouldn’t last a week BFing because I’m so sensitive there. When kins was born he was laid on my chest (after being checked out for the meconium and wiped down a bit) and he found and latched right on to my left breast. I jumped. It was uncomfortable and by uncomfortable I mean “very F’ing painful”.  The midwife told me not to jump so I wouldn’t scare him. Clearly she didn’t know my kid (but he was 2 minutes old so who did). He has NO problem eating under any circumstance. Kins was an excellent latch and he loved BFing.

His second morning on earth was a bumpy one for me. I was taking my first post-birth shower (NOTE: it was awesome). While I was in there hub had bub and the pedi came in. Our pedi office isn’t affiliated with the hospital I delivered in so our pedi didn’t come. The woman who did was NOT someone I would select. She was in and out and didn’t wait for me. She told hub that kins lost “too much” weight and we “had to” supplement. Then she left. I cried. I wasn’t super invested in BFing, but bub liked it, and I liked kins. He’d been here less than 30 hours and I was failing him. The nurse came in, saw my state and called the lactation people. They assured me that it was fine, he hadn’t lost QUITE 10% of his birth weight. They confirmed I was making colostrum, had good nips and we could BF. They gave me some pointers on hold and position. Kins was good at BFing. I was just really sensitive and so there were hurdles.

By his first well baby appointment at 4 days old he had started to gain weight at the rate of an ounce a day. I told them I was concerned he was starving because he cried whenever he wasn’t “eating”. I was assured he  wasn’t  starving (but no one could convince me, and I won’t convince you, but odds are YOU ARE NOT STARVING YOUR BABY). To calm my nerves they sent me home with a 6 pack of pre-mixed infant formula “just in case”. I used one every 2-3 days the first 2-ish weeks. Looking back- I don’t think he “needed” it, but it introduced the bottle (as a working mom, this was a MUST), let hub feed him (bonding time) and gave me peace of mind and a break(priceless).  For us, it was a win.


When he was tiny, I nursed around the clock. I remember crying when hub told me kins wanted to eat again. Kins loved BFing, it made him feel safe, and sleepy. He ONLY napped on my breast for…. 5 months? He’d latch on and pass out, waking within two minutes of me easing it out of his hungry little mouth. WAILING until I “fed him” again. He was on the breast for 45-50 minutes of every hour most of my 13 week maternity leave. My blissful break was a few 4 hour stretches when he would sleep- on top on me. He never napped anywhere but in my arms on my breast. If I had realized that’s what was happening it would have been less hard on me. I thought he was starving, getting on, finding no milk and just lying there gently sucking and waiting for more to come in.

I went back to work when he was about 14 weeks old: I fed him before I left, he got 2-3 bottles while I was out, I fed him as soon as I got home at 5. At that point he cluster fed usually eating at 6, 7 and 8. He slept for 3 hours (the longest stretch) 8-11 and then ate every 2-3 hours until the morning. Exhausting. At 8 or 9 months he was down to 2-3 feeds between 7pm and 5am. Then I went away and hub night weaned him and got him sleeping through the night. MIRACLE.  I WILL say I think it’s true that BF babies sleep less well. He used my breast to fall asleep, so when he woke naturally,  he needed it to go back to sleep.

I started pumping when kins was 2-3 weeks, so that I could “up my supply” and have some banked for rare nights out. Honestly, my supply was really good- not superhuman- I didn’t have enough to feed a litter of babies, but I could feed my one son and have a little left for storage. At work I started pumping 3 times a day, dropped to twice a day quickly. My best advice for pumping moms is to get a good double electric pump and a good hands free nursing bra. Makes life so easy! Was down to once a day when he was about 9 months.  I don’t think he got formula after that first 6 pack. A few times I tried to introduce it- either because I wanted to go out, needed a break, had bleeding nips, or in the end, give him something other than milk after I stopped pumping. He wouldn’t take it. As I mentioned above, at 9 months old, I left kins home for a 4 day work trip to London (for which he had plenty of milk for all feedings). I brought my electric pump but blew it out as soon as I plugged it in. I did have a manual pump, and used it there and when I was home for another month. When he was just over 10 months old, I stopped pumping at work. It was time consuming and painful. We made it another month + for day time feedings before running out. At that point he started on milk in a sippy cup. It took a few exposures, but he LOVES milk now.  

I got Mastitis once- THAT was a BAD time. It hurt so much and I felt awful. I pumped about 1/2 an ounce on that side over the whole day- this at a time I was getting 8oz a side (pumped). Kins couldn't get anything out either and bit me in frustration- he had teeth. Hot compress, advil, antibiotics and breastfeeding the not so hungry baby eventually fixed the problem, but it was NO JOKE. 

The Wean

I was done pumping because of the broken electric pump at 10 months. I think I would have done another month had it not broken. I did want him to be on cow’s milk at one, and I wanted him to be off a bottle around that time too. I had a stored month of BM frozen, so that would have brought us to 12 months before introducing cow’s milk. There were no issues though, so I’m not at all upset at the way it turned out.

I think the broken pump helped me slowly phase out pumping- I was getting less and was less willing to pump with the manual one. There were no engorgement issues from that being cut out.  I would have liked to continue to BF morning and night for a few more months but the drive for TTC kins' little won and I started cutting out the morning feed just before one. At that point he was having cow’s milk and was less interested in the morning feed. Sometimes he slept through the morning one anyway. The night feed was harder to drop- for me. 

Kins cared very little when the BFing came to an end. He got extra stories and snuggle times instead and that was fine with him. He made little happy sounds when he would see the breast, and would latch on greedily, but he never would pull at me when I didn't feed him. I went from every night to every other night and then, 1.5 weeks before my "you can go on pills" blood draw, I cut him off. It was the perfect feeding, short, gentle and he fell asleep on me (as he usually did). I put him into his crib, he didn't wake to cry and it was over. 

The following week I was a bit uncomfortable, I leaked one day. I only leaked 3-4 times since kin's birth so that was a little odd.  

Parting words

I had all the new mom problems- cracked and bleeding nips, extreme pain, fear of starving bub. I got all the gear- cream, cooling pads, better bras. TIME was the only thing that helped. It is really stressful to be the only food source for a tiny person that everyone you know loves. Your life changed DRASTICALLY in just one instant- you can no longer make a cup of tea or take a shower without breaking a tiny heart. Oh, and you're exhausted. Having a baby attached to you 24/7 (or crying because you’re not attached) is a stressful situation. It’s normal to feel that you “can’t do it” and may be for you, stopping is the right decision. That's OK. My only advice: Don’t quit on your worst day, and don’t think it won’t get better. It does- fairly quickly. 

I grew to love BFing, but it was more because I grew to love the time with my son. It wasn't a life changing thing on its own HE is the life changing thing. BF, bottle, solids- whatever- I was providing for a tiny person I love more than anything. THAT is special, BF just made getting him fed and happy easier. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

#MicrobloggingMonday I’m Starting with the (Wo)man in the Mirror

I need to change my ways. I’ve really let myself go. Gaining weight, putting no effort into what I’m wearing, doing my make-up in the car (but the natural light is better….). Bub has been an excellent sleeper since month 9. I’m tired, but it isn’t because of him.

Here is what is on my plate:
Clean house (hub works- from home- most nights and has school 2 nights a week, so I do most of the day to day)
Care for bub (see above- evening care falls to me)
Study for my god-forsaken exam (STILL haven’t finished my 2013 goals..)
Training- I’ve been running to prep for the 5K in June. My goals in 2013 had me trying to run it in 28 minutes- which was deferred due to my pregnancy with bub- as of now I have no excuse not to try it again.  
Finding my abs again- Where did they go?! 5 minutes of ab work most days is my goal. Not too hard right? [Please see above]
Not to mention*
TTC Bub’s Little- morning monitoring, pills that exhaust me, etc etc
Work- which is bonkers at the moment.

SO with THAT in mind, I go my brows waxed before dinner with my friends last week- I was on baby free time and no one (said they) minded I was 7 minutes late. Made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow (on a groupon! Last time the expense really drove me away- though I liked it ). Have dinner and lunch plans over the weekend with different friends. Plan on a facial in the next few weeks. Make a point to dress in outfits, not just throw things on.

L'Oreal tells me I’m worth it.. right?

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Breathing in.. the Chemical(s)

Breathing in.. the Chemical(s)

In Brief: Started cycle 2 of Femara yesterday.

The whole deal: Well Saturday was surprising and annoying. I had an appointment at 7:45am in a town about 20 minutes away from my house. The clinic I usually go to is a smaller, closer location- though in the major metro area- while the clinic open weekends is in the ‘burbs but much larger. EVERYTIME I’ve gone to that location I’ve had some issue. I wasn’t happy to go there.

Late Friday night, my cycle started. I was expecting it so it wasn’t upsetting. Just ready to move on to the next month. It was actually quite convenient since I was told last week that if I was bleeding on the day of the beta then they would also do an ultrasound to check for cysts before getting the green light for cycle 2.

So I get to the office, and have to sign in and check my testing for the day- BW and US. Before I even sit, my name is called for bloods. The people there aren’t especially chatty, but it was early on Saturday AND was spring ahead and lose an hour time change morning. So I didn’t mind too much.

BW done (no bruise!) and I go sit to wait for US. And sit. And wait. And sit.
Finally after 30 minutes, I get called and before I’m even fully standing get yelled to “You don’t have an US today”.

UGH. ‘Yes’, I explain, ‘I do.’

No- still top volume in the middle of the room, next to the check in desk, where people are waiting to sign in.

 So I explain it all right there. Clear as day- cycle started late last night, was told at my (15$ 4 minute appointment, that fell in the middle of the work week in the middle of the day) appointment last week that IF I started before beta to do US and BW in same day. That appointment was a big waste of time, necessary, but could we have done a phone consult? I digress, the point of the appointment was to let me know what to do in this very situation (I know what do if it’s positive, since that’s what happened with bub).  

Then I’m asked the same question multiple times by 2 people- US person and the woman at the check in desk who is my Doc’s admin- did you call the nurse with the start of your cycle? Did you let someone know when the cycle started? Why didn’t you call? How did you expect us to put you on the schedule?

It started IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT- it was 6 hours ago. No one is working then. Honestly, in the time I was being fought with they could have done the scan.

So they told me I could wait an hour until the nurse gets on and ask them what I need to do. Then may be they can fit me in, but it probably won’t be until Sunday. Or I can go home and ask when they call with my results.

I left crying.

As mentioned, I no longer have my cell, so I called into my voice mail a few hours after getting home. I had a VERY apologetic message from the clinic telling me that NEVER should have happened and that she would be speaking to the doctor. Good.

Then I got the next message- the results weren’t exactly negative. Apparently I was having a chemical  pregnancy. It was so strange. I had no inkling at all. Not that chemicals are that disruptive to a normal cycle- but I am good at knowing when I’m pregnant. I don’t know if I mentioned it here but the tests were darker for a day- a darker mid-afternoon test sandwiched between 2 lighter ones. They were so pale at that point I stopped testing after that following morning.  

I had a follow-up on Monday (yesterday), which was its own disaster. I set my alarm for 6 for a 7:15am appointment.. but I set it for 6pm. In a cartoonish coincidence, I woke up to a too-bright room for the time of day it should have been and looked at the time- EXACTLY 7:15. I can’t make this up. Rushed through getting ready and went into the appointment anyway- no one answering phones that early. They let me have the testing anyway (because I was at the little clinic- who knows what the big one would have done). Results: no cycles, back to negative. I resumed the pills last night.

I’m trying to look on the bright side: I am good at conceiving on these pills- both cycles we’ve had sperm meet egg. I’m not upset, I never felt pregnant, I never bonded with a baby, I was sure I was fully negative.*

But did I make another baby with a fatal issue? Is that a bad sign for what’s to come? My body didn’t play the awful trick of keeping a baby going who wouldn’t have survived, I’m grateful for that but I can’t help feeling nervous. At 31, are my eggs too old?

* I know everyone deals with loss differently, if you mourn a chemical, then I mourn with you. That I don’t have the feeling of loss doesn’t mean that I think it’s wrong if you do.

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
Imagine Dragons, Radioactive

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Sunshine of My Life

Fully expecting a negative beta on Saturday. But I have this little guy. I'm not upset.

Not THAT upset, anyway. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

#MicorbloggingMonday Going with No

I am mostly sure that Femara + trigger Cycle 1 is a bust. There were some hopeful moments yesterday (9DPO) when my afternoon stick looked darker than the previous morning's stick- but this morning there was no change between the two- and they are really light.
This morning was my follow-up with the RE. I think it is so weird that they do the "how was your cycle" meeting before the pregnancy test- which is Saturday. My lining was 11. My LH was starting to rise when we triggered- which they thought was a good sign I was going to O on my own.

These are good things but I feel VERY out.


I know it sounds early, but I already knew I was pregnant with bub at 9DPO.

I know that implantation is most likely to occur at 9DPO.

But.. I'm not expecting a positive call on Saturday afternoon. If I being honest- I think my cycle will have already started and that in addition to the blood test- I'll be doing my cyst check... but what do I know.