Cycle Day One.
I'm really pulling out all the stops this go-round. This is (very likely) my second-to-last cycle actively TTC. I mentioned this here, but I thought I would give the dirty details.
My clinic has mentioned that they do 3 cycles TI, 2 cycles IUI and then discuss IVF. We have decided that, at least for now, IVF is not something we are going to pursue. This means that unless they are opening to doing additional IUIs if these next two cycles fail- we’re done.
This isn't because of a moral or ethical dilemma (though there is some of that), it isn't because I'm afraid of needles, scans, time out of work or all the joys of IF treatment (though there is certainly some of that), it isn't because I don't want another (we all know that isn't true).
So what IS it? Why am I stopping short of IVF?
I don't really know. May be it is a combination of the first two: the easier one- I don't know that I am ready to sacrifice so much for the hope of a baby. Injections, drugs, appointments, oh my. My termination really threw my body off, as did 4 medicated cycles. I'd like to feel normal again. I'd like to not see a doctor once a week and get things shoved inside me (unless I'm 36+ weeks pregnant). I would LOVE to lose these 7 new pounds.
The deeper issue is a component of an ethical dilemma for me. We would do PGS if we did IVF. I wouldn’t transfer an embryo with the fatal issues, obviously. I think I'd like to donate them to science, is that is a thing? I don't know. But what about a condition which I wouldn't terminate for, would I transfer that embryo? Defacto choosing that condition for my child? Hard, hard question, right? I don't think I would want to know the sex of those embryos to avoid gender selection, but would I in a moment of weakness ask to know and choose one over the other? (I don't have a preference at this point, but if I ever tried for a third and had two boys- I would like the chance to parent a girl). Then the big one:
What if there were more embryos than transfers? What to do with them? Donate? Destroy? Have a bigger family than anticipated?
I feel like this is a bit of the termination all over again. I hate the feeling I get thinking about my (imaginary) embryos waiting for me- never to be chosen. I ultimately make the decision to carry them or let them go. In that situation though, there is nothing “wrong” with them. Yet the decision is the same- to carry or not. I don't want to be in that situation ever again. I am trying to prevent that.
I could donate them to another person trying to build their family, but I still need to make the decision of which I will try to carry and which I won’t. I’m not sure hub would go for the idea of donation (though we never discussed it).
I should add here, before I get hate mail, these feelings are my own. I would never expect someone to go through an FET when their feelings are complete. I don’t actually equate not transferring embryos with a termination. But the choice for me is teetering on the same type of feelings.
*It's actually day 2.