Thursday, October 18, 2012


** Found this in drafts- still like the story**
I was a hypocrite today, and I hate hypocrites.

Yesterday I left my computer at home, because I am an idiot distracted by life. I e-mailed IT for a back-up machine, which they almost always have, but due to new hires and a back order, they were out of that day. I went to my boss and got some non-computer related work to keep me productive during the remainder of the rush hour and then left for the day when the traffic cleared out. Working from home is a rare treat, we have SO MANY pointless meetings at this company.

Normally I would have just grabbed the computer and come back to work, but since I had a clear meeting schedule for the day, I just stayed home. I was about 30 minutes into sitting on my couch but otherwise doing my normal work thing when I noticed it was really windy outside. There was a breeze in the house. This is totally normal, though I was hoping that it would be cut down with the new doors and window we installed last week. Unfortunately, the 2 windows that need to be replaced the most are also directly in line with the remodel we plan on doing when someone dies and we get a windfall when someone dies and we get a windfall (…  that was accurate) So I put two throw pillows in front of the window (propped on the couch) and got back to work. Still windy and cold.

I break my work focus to grab a blanket that we keep in a basket next to the couch (to cover the white paint slopped over the burn mark from the fire the previous owners started errrrr I mean…for when it gets cold. [Have I mentioned I live in a disaster house? I could tell you in a post entitled “The Reason We’ll Never Pass an Adoption Home Study”]) So I'm standing up and realize that it isn't a breeze it is actually WINDY in the house. I assume that my window is open in the kitchen on literally the most windy day since hurricane Irene last year, so I go to close it....

And find the side door we just installed had POPPED wide open. No screen. My house is open to the world. I'm not concerned about what would get in- I'm concerned on what would get out.

I have 3 pets and they could have been running through the neighborhood or crushed beneath a car at the very moment.

My dog was lying contentedly on the hall rug, bless her oblivious, stupid heart. I set off on a hunt for the two cats and as I am halfway up the stairs, see one of them on her usual perch. Then it occurs to me that that cat I haven't seen is a Houdini- she gets out windows, closed rooms and outside when the door is open and we're bringing in groceries. The odds of her staying in when the door is wide open and no one is around is nil. I take off outside, barefoot and frantic. I used the main front door and as I step out- who do I see but my cat slinking around the corner, up the steps and then sitting in front of the now closed door she came out from! She even meowed at the door be let in before I scooped her up and brought her inside.

I found myself telling a co-worker: "I must have been meant to leave my computer at home so I could save my pets". As the words exited my mouth, I regretted them. How could I, after all I've been through, believe that I can be meant to find a way to save my pets, but not my baby? I love my pets, really I do, but not the way  love- and would have loved- my baby. If there is some cosmic reason why I could save my three animals and not my child- I request a re-do. If there is some meaning to a relatively mundane event, doesn't there have to be meaning for huge, life altering ones?

And though I understand I guess I'll say that you betrayed me 
I'm a hypocrite,
I dish it out but I can't take it I know you think it's wrong
And maybe you're right but this is my song

Lush, Hypocrite

Monday, October 15, 2012

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Why are there days created to force me into dwelling on my loss? I am 5DPO and was trying to be positive. Seeing the dozens of friends in my FB feed posting this:

Or this:

There are others, but you get the picture (a pun!). I wish I knew how to do one of those link-up things, I'd love to see what my readers are blogging about today. This is what I posted on my Facebook, modified with names of my loss friends, both IRL and on-line:

Today is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 women experience a pregnancy loss, there is a growing acknowledgement of these women (finally) but please take a moment for the men, who also lost their child and have to pick up the pieces of their partner in the aftermath of loss. I don’t know how I would have survived without Chris. He has been my center, as well as the love of my life and my best friend.
In special memory today of Mrs. Wonderful, Jess, Cass, Eliana, Rachel, Katie, Lauren, Rachael, Sara, Sarah, Sheri, Amy, Allison, Amanda, CDG, biojen, my own mom, my mother-in-law and my other friends and loved ones who I've failed to mention (so sorry!) or who have never shared their loss with me.
To those of you with living children, cherish them for me: for those of you struggling to get your rainbow babies (be it your only child or not), I wish that by NEXT October 15 you have a baby of your very own: to those of you who have ended your quest for child without one- my heart as always goes out to you, and I wish that you find peace on that road.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven

Saturday, October 13, 2012

On grief and the Queen of England

I have a dirty little secret: (bear with me, this relates) [NOTE: I read this doing my full blog re-read... haha apparently I have quite a few "dirty little secrets]

I love The Savage Lovecast and its host Dan Savage. I’m not a hugely into unconventional sex, so I don't think I'm Dan's usual audience (I am also not gay, the remainder of his usual audience) however, I like that he is so open, funny and opens my mind to what is "normal" when it comes to sex, love and dating. His  rant at the beginning of every episode is a highlight of my work week.

Usually people call in with relationship and sex problems, but this week one of the calls was from a grieving woman. The call comes at just over 39 minutes. The gist of it is the  woman had gotten engaged 2 weeks prior to her call, and her fiancee had died a week after their engagement. The poor woman is distraught. Dan quoted Queen Elizabeth II and something she said in the wake of 9/11: "Grief is the price we pay for love".

It made me feel validated- that I really do love my Blue Sunday. I am still grieving, not with constant crying, but a dull ache of loss, of what could have been. It also helps me make sense on why everyone around me doesn't get my grief. No one really loved Blue Sunday the way I did. It isn't because they don't care, or wouldn't have loved him, but because they never got the chance to. In that sense, I am happy that I am grieving, so the world around me can see that I really do love my baby. That, though I had to let him go, it wasn't out of selfishness, distaste or the inability to care for a special needs baby- it was purely out of love.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Acupuncture- Comfortably Numb

** I want to apologize in advance if the formatting is off, some of this I wrote exclusively for here and some if it I copied and pasted from a post I made about acupuncture.  It's tough to combine the two.

I went to acupuncture for the first time last night (Thursday). The appointment was an hour and a half. About 30 minutes of it was a “medical” review. I say “medical” and not medical because some of it was a little… different. Like checking my pulse for a long time and not looking just for BPM but for strength and rhythm and looking at my tongue in detail. I was very glad I brushed first. That whole dead baby thing had to be discussed in some length. After the awful morning I had over it, I didn’t think I was going to be able to keep it together. Surprisingly, I was okay. I had to fill out a detailed questionnaire where I could detail some of the loss details: the timing, the reason, the emotional and physical fallout. He had some questions, nothing awful or prying: medications, surgical information and things like that. I could tell from his face when he read about Blue Sunday, he wears his heart on his sleeve and was visibly shaken. (That was a poor turn of phrase, right?  I just said I could tell so he was obviously VISIBLY shaken). Then he asked if I “took medication or anything after”, so I ended up telling him I terminated and had surgery.  
Anyway, I got that same perverse feeling of… I don’t know what to call it… non-misery (?) when I saw him realize what really happened, and how sad he was for me. I don’t know why I feel that way, that non-misery I feel when watching people deal with it.  I think because of that asshole on the internet who said that my loss wasn’t a real loss because I chose to end Blue Sunday’s life. I like when people acknowledge that I lost my child, too. Poor Blue Sunday.
Anyway, He asked all about my cycle, sleeping habits, general feeling (cold, tired social-ness etc). When we got to the actual acupuncture, he spent some time explaining the needles and the ideas behind the placement of them. He asked where I was in my cycle (Day 4) and worked on stimulating my lining and egg production. He told me if any needle was bothering me that I should tell him and he'd move it. He put one in each ear, one in my forehead (which sounds wore than it was) Two in the sides of my neck (that freaked me bit), 4 over my uterus, 2 in my wrists, a few in my feet and knees. They hardly hurt at all, since I couldn't see my legs I don't really know how many were there. He instructed me on some breathing and left me alone for 40 minutes or so, checking in on me once or twice.
          After he removed them, he put stickers with tiny ball bearings in them in the top part of my ear to push on when I feel stressed. One has since fallen off, but I did use them and they did seem to help. I’m sure some of it was the entering of saying “I’m over whelmed and need to step back and breathe, but if it takes a little ball on my ear to do that, I’ll try it!”
            I felt.. lighter after the treatment. And I was much happier and more energetic for several days after. I will say though that the fall back to my baseline (which came yesterday) was HARD. For the first time in months I had a wailing cry over poor Blue Sunday and how he never had a chance yadah yadah yadah. It had been a long while since I did that.
         My acupuncturist recommended twice a week for stress relief, but I just can’t afford it time or finance wise. I’m going to go once a week and he recommended yoga, walking and meditation at least one day a week. He is giving my some stretches and supplements at my appointment next week to hopefully ward off the spotting I’ve had  and relax me further. 

I am Comfortably Numb
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more (Yelling)

But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good

Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

And I'm crying inside (and outside but whatever)

Let me set the stage:

Early morning upon arriving to work. Lizzy sitting at a desk, computer on. Crying but trying to hide it.
Lizzy (Stage whisper): Stop crying   Stop crying   Stop crying   Stop crying   
Doesn’t stop.
Lizzy gets up and begins to walk stage left to the bathroom
Lizzy (Stage whisper): Just get to the stall Just get to the stall Just get to the stall
Hall near Bathroom door: Sees no one, starting to feel relief.
Lizzy (Stage whisper little crying voice): Almost there
Door opens. Extra standing at sink looks directly at Lizzy, surprised.
Lizzy, bright, happy totally normal voice: Oh, good morning! How are you!
Lizzy enters stall 
Lizzy cries, silently. (stage whisper): You are such a liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.  

Of course stage whispers are really in my head but the rest is true.

I fought with hub this morning. I guess fight is the wrong phrase. I was just nasty to him. He kept doing annoying things, and I kept telling him to stop. Staring at me, driving too fast, driving while eating, blowing red lights and on and on and on. We carpool my mom, after she got out he waited for me to seem friendly and then told me off. “How would you feel if I talked to you that way” and “You need to listen to yourself” and on and on. And I was nasty, but he had told me I was being bitchy earlier. And barked at me to move when I was cleaning and he was watching TV.

And I WAS being nasty, so I deserved the talking to.

Today it’s been 9 months since we let Blue Sunday go, or however you want to think about it. No one remembers but me. Not my mom, who DID remember that it’s been 14 years since she had a cigarette. Not Blue Sunday’s would-have-been-daddy. Just me, same as always. I just don't want Blue Sunday to be forgotten..

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
The Tony Rich Project, Nobody Knows it but Me

P.S. HOW have I not used this song before? I had a hard time deciding what part to use. This is a good one! Even a sad song can put me in a better mood sometimes. The other verse I was thinking about was the "I carry a smile when I'm broken in two" part. I like that that verse has "I'm trembling inside" and not I'm crying inside, because I'm clearly crying outside. In the end, the "The pain is real even if nobody knows" was the most exact.