Friday, August 30, 2013

22 Weeks

Bi-monthly update:  

How far along: 22 Weeks, 4 days
Baby is the size of an:  A squash: Like this one:

Total weight gain: Up 3.5! That's from my lowest weight, not my starting point. From starting point I'm still down 3.5.
Maternity clothes: Yes, nothing fits from pre-pregnancy. The belly has popped.
Stretch marks: Not yet, hub was wondering if there is anyway I can avoid them. 
Sleep: Hub got me a pregnancy body for our 7 year anniversary on Sunday.. which we both thought was Monday.. who knew there weren't 32 days in August... The pillow is good, but sleeping is still getting harder.
Best moment since last update: Take Two is really moving in there, hub has even felt him or her a time or two!
Miss anything: Not really.
Movement: Yep
Food cravings: I don't hate food as much as I did, but I don't have much of an appetite
Anything making you queasy or sick: Anything fried or spicy.. so everything
Have you started to show yet: Yes
Sex: Will be a surprise. I find myself defaulting to she, but what do I know?
Labor signs: Not until at least 37 weeks please.
Belly button in or out: It's just weird, all stretched looking
Wedding rings on or off: On, I really hope they remain so.
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy, Happy.. and tired
Looking forward to: Viability, just about 1.5 weeks... creep creep creep

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Home Again

From the back of a streetcar in San Francisco
I have been away.

This time not just from blogging, but from computers, cell phones, work and Boston entirely. Hub and I spent a week enjoying our (hopefully!) last solo vacation for a long while.

We went to San Francisco/ Oakland to take in 2 more ball parks (and games to go with them), see a good friend of mine (an old co-worker)and enjoy each other before life goes crazy.

There was some hard moments. The last time, and the only time, I was in California was when I found out I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. On the plane over the Rockies I thought of him (or her, I still haven't found out), as I did that first day I realized I was expecting. I imagined what life would have been like had the chromosomes done things correctly. It is unimaginable though. How do you imagine having a 14 month old when you're childless?

It was hard again walking in the gates of field- home to the Oakland A's. The last time I went into a ballpark other than Fenway, my home plate so to speak- was also that trip to California, when I saw the Dodgers play in a stadium much like the one in Oakland.

There was really good things, too. Hub and I are now 1 field away from 1/2 through the majors. We've decided that the ONLY place this monumental event can happen is Wrigley- home of the Cubs. So that's the plan for 2015- Take Two in tow, hopefully.

We ate wonderful food (and lost 0.02 pounds...), walked about 100 miles (exaggeration font), saw sea lions, boated under the golden gate, drove and walked over it, took a picture of the Full House houses, and explored the crazy hills of San Francisco.

Also, I have popped. I got a few comments from strangers (!) and when I came back to work people mentioned it as well. Hub and I were laying in bed- at like 8pm.. which in my defense is 11pm at home- and he could feel Take Two having his/her nightly dance party.

As they would say in San Fran- Shit's getting hella real.

A's before the game

Me getting giant on the Giants park tour

I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care
Tony Bennett,  I Left My Heart in San Francisco

Sunday, August 18, 2013

20 Week Update!

Bi-monthly update:  

How far along: 20 Weeks, 2 days
Baby is the size of an:  A banana! I didn't get the measurements from my scan oops.
Total weight gain: Up 1.5 finally. That's from my lowest weight, not my starting point. From starting point I'm still down 5.5.
Maternity clothes: Yes, nothing fits from pre-pregnancy. I think my boobs are causing a lot of the issue on top. 
Stretch marks: Not yet, I assume they are coming, since I am NOT following the slow and steady gain guideline. 
Sleep: Sleeping ok, I am getting up to pee twice a night now, bummer. 
Best moment since last update: Thank goodness we had a awesome scan. All seems well with Take Two and I am adjusting to the idea that there will be a baby here in a few short months. 
Miss anything: Shipyard Pumpkinhead come out this week... sob.
Movement: Yes, nothing consistent but I know there is a baby in there.
Food cravings: I don't hate food as much as I did, but I don't have much of an appetite
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really
Have you started to show yet:Yes, photo uploader is causing issues. Picture to come
Sex: I had been rather sure this baby is a she... but now I think it might be a he. Ultrasound gave nothing away. I am just going on feeling. 
Labor signs: Not until at least 37 weeks please.
Belly button in or out: Getting shallow and a bit out of shape.. weird
Wedding rings on or off: On, I really hope they remain so.
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy, Happy
Looking forward to: Well, I leave for vacation tomorrow, so that's a big one :) In baby world, I'm looking forward to viability, which is still about 4 weeks away... creep creep creep

Monday, August 12, 2013

Expecting a Baby

I have crossed over.

I am no longer just pregnant.. I am expecting.

Baby looks good and healthy- from brain to toes.

I am not quite sure how to feel.

Things are surreal and exciting.

We have so much to do!

I have a camera to open ;)

I'll record the whole story here in a bit, but I am really just overwhelmed at the moment. (Also I was VERY naughty and only did about 1/2 a paper that is due at midnight... and I should be working)

U/s in 15 minutes

Have quite literally worried myself sick. Friday and today I was sick, yesterday I was not sick- just irate.

There is a sales tax holiday the second weekend in August in Massachusetts. Hub and I went and bought the camera we've been calling the baby camera since we terminated. It was pricey and worth buying with out the 6.25% sales tax. It is still in its bag on my sofa.... I feel stupid for buying it. 

I'll update when it's all over.  

Saturday, August 10, 2013

In Memory

My friend E over at A Sky for Blue is marking the two year anniversary of letting Blue go. E was one of my first blog friends. She and I share a lot in common- we're professional, well educated, east coast women who terminated a pregnancy for an anomaly.  We thought it so odd that her son is Blue and my baby is Blue Sunday. Just wanted everyone to know, and E especially that Blue is on my mind today. The only thing that can make losing a child worse is when no one remembers. There is a candle burning in my house for him.

Much love to Blue and to E.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

18w 6d- Wheel

18 weeks with Blue Sunday
18 weeks with Take Two

Here we are. I am now, technically, more pregnant than I ever have been. At 18w6d with Blue Sunday I was back home around the time I’m writing this- 5pm. I am not as weepy as I was yesterday. By ‘weepy’ I mean sobbing uncontrollably. Today, I’ve barely shed a tear. I also haven’t done a bit of work for work, for school or for myself. I have been sitting looking at a blank screen all day, waiting to see what I would say to mark it.

I want 18w6d to remain about Blue Sunday, but recounting the Last Day is still almost impossible.  I don’t really want to draw the comparisons but I feel that I have to. It is hard to keep sane in a still uncertain pregnancy after loss when I don’t allow myself to acknowledge that this time IS different.  

So- on with it. On this day last pregnancy it was The End. I ‘woke up’ (if that’s what you call re-stirring into consciousness after not really sleeping) early. I felt my belly. I avoided the mirror. I told Blue Sunday how much I loved and would miss him. I dressed in sweats on a cold, cold morning.

I called the hospital and they said I could come in early at 11:30 in hopes of an earlier surgery. We left for the hospital way earlier than we needed to. We hit traffic. When we arrived they didn’t know why I was there so early. I registered anyway.

Hub and I did a few crosswords on my iPad. He went to get himself a coffee. I cried alone. I watched people come and go. I wondered why everyone else was there.

Just as hub came back from the coffee run I was called and led upstairs by a nice woman. She asked why I was there, conversationally I suppose. I told her the baby was sick- had trisomy 18, we were terminating. She look sad. Not judge-y, just sad that there was T18 and that this baby would never be.

I filled out paperwork, where I was classified as a termination. I wanted to write in WHY I was terminating. It mattered to me. This baby was wanted. I didn't write it in, but I did tell everyone who worked with me why that surgery was happening. 

I had a book to read, but I just started at the first page for however long I bothered to hold it open. My veins were really crappy (since I hadn't eaten or drank anything in 18 hours....) and the woman had to put the IV in my hand. I bruised in both elbows and on that hand. I was understanding- it's not her fault.

The anesthesiologist was nice, they gave me a pill to relax me (yeah right) and he talked about what would happen. I was scared. I watched as older women were brought back into the room after being under, groggy and out of it, but well. My legs were horribly and crampy. I just wanted to get up, but I was attached to monitors I don't know why.

Eventually, they let hub come back up with me. That might have been before I talked to the doctors. We were both terrified and didn't say much. I complained about my legs. Just when I was about to give up and get up, I was told it was time to go to the OR.

Hub kissed US good-bye one last time.

The anesthesiologist talked to me on the way down- about nothing really. I was super uncomfortable on the bed still, but the ride was sort of fun- down a big ramp the length of a whole hospital hallway. We went into the OR, it seemed so much bigger than on TV. I scooted over from my bed to the OR bed. It was REALLY narrow. I can't imagine being a big woman and on that.

It was cold in that room.

Someone told me how sorry they were that this happened to me- it might have been the nurse. She held my hand. It was really kind and comforting.

Finally, they were ready to give me the medicine to knock me out. I knew there would be a tube in thy throat and I was starting to get scared thinking about what was about to happen to me. I had said my good-byes to Blue Sunday before we made it to the OR.... that wasn't the place for it.

I remember they had these tables that came out from the side of the bed. One was on the IV and one was being wrapped with the BP cuff. As the cuff was wrapped they pushed the medicine into the IV. I turned to look at my other arm, to see the IV. They asked if I was feeling ok, I said yes....

and then I woke up in the recovery. I was cramping worse than I was before. I could feel the bleeding. I was SO SAD and panicked. I just wanted hub.  It was strange because I was talking when I came to. I was telling them about hub, his job, his school and how much I love him. That's almost nice, isn't it?

I started crying, saying I just wanted hub and they said he could come up once I was lucid. I tried really hard to be lucid.I really wanted hub.

I cried until I saw hub coming towards me.

The nurse who was working with me let him come up early I think. I dosed off for awhile once he was with me. Then I woke up and realized I was bleeding A LOT. I told them I needed to use the bathroom and they let me go in, telling me to leave the pad in the room so they could check it. It was saturated, as was the weird mesh undies, my johnny and everything I touched. It took me a bit to clean up.

When the nurse saw he became busy. They had to give me a shot to make my uterus contract, it hurt. I had to stay in the recovery room for a few hours for the bleeding. I really wanted to go home. Eventaully I was freed, but not before both nurses shared their own stories of child loss. They both had gone on to have healthy kids. I tried to take heart in that.

I went down in a wheelchair, hub brought the car around. It was still cold. I keep a blanket in the car and wrapped it around myself.

We were silent on the ride home.

I took the pain pills and lay on the couch.


18 weeks 6 days.
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

John Mayer, Wheel

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


So, I realize I haven’t written between the confirmation of diagnosis day and today. Did you all read New Moon (of the Twilight series)? I have a HUGE mostly guilty pleasure in reading teen fiction. I genuinely believe authors for the high school age group need to work harder to get readers engaged and so tell more interesting stories. We can debate all day the harm to female society in having a female “heroine” who pines after a boy obsessively, but you have to admit, it was pretty interesting. Not to mention it is pretty spot on to those who have experienced obsessive, unrequited love. Anyway, I digress. My point was, in New Moon Edward leaves Bella in pretty heartbreaking fashion. When it sinks in that she has been abandoned by the man she loves, she falls into a depressed stupor. Things happen around her, but she isn’t a part of them.  Months pass in text-less pages except for single words written in chapter font at the top of each page: November, December, January. THAT’S what happened to me.

In reliving Blue Sunday’s pregnancy through this one, I found myself reflecting on just how long I knew Blue Sunday would die before he actually did. It was a long time. 5 full days. 

In that time, I was in shock. Like Bella, I acknowledge that things did happen, but none of them mattered, and none of them really happened to me. 

Africa’s then-fiancĂ©e arrived from Kenya. He flew into Boston New Year’s Eve (or perhaps very late the night before). We went to their apartment for a party and to meet him on NYE. I left before 2012 made its entrance. It was supposed to be the year we became parents. I drank mimosas with hub New Years morning, as we always do. It was joyless and tasteless. I finished The Hunger Games series and moved on to a John Grisham book.  I looked at the tree, which we never lit. It grew brown and pointy. I think we took it down almost a month after Christmas. 

In the haze. I made termination plans. I know I went to the TFMR doctor twice. Once to confirm that was really what we wanted to do and again, at 18w5d to have the laminaria inserted. At the confirmation appointment, I cried uncontrollably. This was to my detriment and I wish that I was more with it. Everything went smoothly, but I would have liked to do an autopsy, I think I was offered but refused at that appointment. 

The day of the laminaria insertion, I fought with the TFMR doc’s office assistants. They had no idea what they were doing and I had no patience. They spoke very little English and trying to explain things while in a panic and angry wasn’t happening. Essentially, they had to have their 15$ co-pay RIGHT THEN, but didn’t take anything but cash. I didn’t have any cash, there is no ATM in the building. Can we deal with this later? No. Really? My appointment is now, the doc is standing there waiting for me and I have to get this done within a certain time frame. No. We had to go find an ATM. Just f*ing BILL ME or take credit cards like a normal place. 

Then I was scheduled for the surgery at 630, she went through all the pre-surgery rules including no food after midnight. As we were going over this the time changes to 2:30. 8 hours later. Still she told me, no food or drink after midnight. Why I asked, can I eat 6.5 hours before a 630am surgery but need to have 13.5 hours for a 2:30 surgery? I really have to go 13.5 hours without a sip of water? 

I was angry at the world, and I know that, but that still makes me po’ed. I could see if there was a possibility of moving me up in the day, but I was told get to the hospital to see if we can move you up at 11:30, so it wasn’t that much earlier. Anyway, I was glad to focus on something. 

The insertion was a mess. The incompetent assistants forgot to prep the room, get the MD a light AND change the batteries. I ended up sitting feet in the stirrups with the door wide open while the doc scrambled to fix the mistakes. They didn’t let hub into the room with me. That was scary. The doc, however, is the best in the state. Has never has a maternal death or loss of fertility. I can put up with a horrible office, he is a surgeon, I would be seen next at the hospital, not an office. 

The laminaria were painful, but not awful. I was given some heavy duty pain killers for this stage and the post-surgery stage. I went to bed early due to the drugs, but didn’t sleep much. I had my hands over my belly most of the night. I wanted last memories of how it felt to be pregnant. 

And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide it
And I just can't fake it

Carole King, It’s Too Late

Monday, August 5, 2013

17w6d- Waiting 18w- news

17w6d- This is the day of nothing. All I did this day last pregnancy was read, worry and cry. I finished the 1st of the Hunger Games books and was onto the second. I hardly moved off the couch, a mix of required bed rest after amnio and the lack of the desire to do anything anyway. The house was falling into shambles around us and neither one of us could care. I must have told work by this point that there was a problem, otherwise why was I on my second unplanned day off? I don't remember making that call or sending the e-mail.

18 weeks- This day started off hard and kept getting harder. It was the first Thursday I didn't celebrate. I liked the changing weeks more with Blue Sunday than with Take Two. Then everything was leading up to a baby, now each week is getting closer to, well to this one. The week of the end. 

I went back to work, my first day at the office since receiving the odds. I seriously was considering staying home the next day so that I could get the results from home. As it turns out, results would be coming this day. 

I only remember a few things from the day clearly. I remember researching t18 almost all morning. Alternately convincing myself that it would be fine: then that it would not be fine. I remember leaving work to grab a snack downstairs with my work friend. I told him about how I had an amino because there were some concerns. I didn't really get into it to much. I bought a bag of smart food popcorn which I never finished. 

I went to the bathroom and took my phone. It rang, I was told "this is a T18 baby". I was in shock and walked back into my office. I closed the door and cried. I told my boss and told her I'd be out for a week most likely. I called Hub. 

He was getting his hair cut. I told him while he was on the chair. I feel bad about that. 

As I drove home, he kept me on the phone. Talking about anything other than the baby. If conversation would turn that way I would cry and he would redirect me. 

I got to the house, hung up and walked to the front door. It opened and I collapsed into his arms. 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Week 16 Update

Bi-monthly update:  

How far along: 16 weeks and one day. 

Baby is the size of an: Avocado, according to the baby books. Haven't seen Take Two in a while, so can't give a real life example.
Total weight gain: None. I'd lost 7 pounds in the first trimester. And was holding steady for 5 weeks or so. This week I've lost another pound. Not sure what's going on with that.
Maternity clothes: In pants, yes. Maternity tops are very much on the horizon. My slimmer-fitting work shirts are getting snug around the middle.

Stretch marks: Not yet, I assume they are coming, since I am NOT following the slow and steady gain guideline. 
Sleep: Sleeping well until last night when I was really sick. I am thinking food didn't sit well more than usually pregnancy sickness. 
Best moment of this week: Hitting 18 weeks! I had this in my head as a milestone I could be less awkward about my rapidly growing middle.
Miss anything: Beer, wine, liqueur.... and feeling normal. I just feel very unlike myself. Migraines, tailbone pain, food intolerance.
Movement: I think I've felt Take Two a time or two. Once at the wedding, a few times driving to and from work. I think when I am quite and in tune with my body I can pick up on baby.
Food cravings: Still hate food 90% of the time. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: toothpaste, meat, cola, riding in the car.....
Have you started to show yet: Yes, picture below
Sex: Feeling GIRL and have gotten a few guesses (one from a dad of 4) that the baby will be a girl Really, I'm excited either way, but whenever I'm thinking of one sex or the other I get excited. In imagining a little girl I find myself excited at the thought of sharing some of my favorite (female type) books Little Women, Jane Eyre.

Labor signs: Not until at least 37 weeks please.
Belly button in or out: Getting more shallow, also, painful on the top. What's up with that?
Wedding rings on or off: On, I really hope they remain so.
Happy or moody most of the time: Haha last time here I wrote I was getting last nervous. That was crazy talk. I remain insanely nervous.  

Best moment since last update: Yesterday was hub's unit summer get-together. It was fun to see people and have them congratulate me, though I made it pretty clear I am still not all in on this pregnancy. Waiting for that scan.Also, I held a baby... he is 4 months old. I remain afraid of babies. HOW are they SO SMALL???
Looking forward to: Anatomy scan on the 12th of August. Getting close now...