Thursday, May 31, 2018

EBD 6: Divine Providence

Another Year. In another time and place I would have a 6 year old.

I actually am at work today. I think it’s the first EBD that I came into the office. I think I should have stayed home. Way back when I had a rule “No crying at work” I no longer bother with that rule, which is a good thing on days like today.

I was ok, sad and cranky, but ok- until I read the May 31st posts of the past. This is a complicated feeling: Grief and longing mixing with joy at the family I have built and relief that I didn’t bring a child into the world to quickly and painfully pass away. As time passes I am more sure of my decision, it was the right one for our family. That eases the burden.

Also easing my burden this year: the baby I carry. A true miracle. I say that with the full gravity of that word. A naturally conceived, chromosomally and structurally normal baby. With my DOR, POF, and an additional 7 YEARS my eggs have managed what they couldn’t at 28. They said at the time it was a fluke, and then in the IVF process I was told Blue Sunday’s T18 and my infertility were connected. (They were kind enough to not say my fault). This baby feels like it was meant to be. A cosmic apology, divine providence.

This is probably fueling my boy vibe, Blue Sunday, Liberty always imagined as boys.


So here’s to you Blue Sunday. Wishing today and always that you know the depth of my love and know that I wish we were celebrating today and not quietly mourning. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Monthly Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

Commentary:
You may have noted that I have updated these to Monthly update instead of bi-monthly. Time goes too quickly to do this every 2 weeks! 

Baby's size:

Axolot

How far along? 
20 weeks! Cue Journey

Total weight gain/loss:
Even with my starting weight! 

Maternity clothes?
Yes. I’m HUGE.



Sleep:
Very, very tired. My back is done for and I can't sleep. 

Best moment this month:
We had a great anatomy scan, which I posted about already. I felt baby move on the outside at 18w6d- Lib gave me some reassurance on the hardest day of pregnancy

Have you told family and friends:
Yes, and if they weren’t told and they can see me- they’ll know!

Movement:
Yes, fairly consistant but not strong enough to be painful. Happy days

Food cravings:
No.  I hate food

Anything making you queasy or sick:
Yeah. I am less sick now- but still vomit occasionally

Have you started to show yet:
You know it

Gender prediction?
Boy is my gut instinct

Happy or Moody most of the time:
I've been grumpy. My back is KILLING ME (still) and I am tired.

Miss anything:
Beer, wine, chicken

Looking forward to:
Memorial day weekend! 3.5 days off of work woo-hoo


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

18 weeks 6 days and Anatomy Scan: - 4th time around

Here we are. The very last time I will be 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Also the last day I will ever have been pregnant 4 times. From here on out, I'll only have been there 3 times. 
With kins, I rehashed the first time I was 18+6 this time, I can just refer you there. With MG I was prepping for vacation and a big work meeting and didn’t want to dwell. This time, everything is causing a little nostalgia. This is it, there will almost certainly be no additional babies for me. I was leaving the door open after MG, and happily someone walked through it! But I don’t think we will try for a fourth living child, in fact, we’ll be preventing. It’s certainly bittersweet.

We had a great ultrasound yesterday and we truly believe we are on the path to a healthy child. Anything can happen in pregnancy, of course, but all test results have come in normal, all ultrasounds have looked good. We had the 18 week scan yesterday and baby Liberty is looking healthy and whole. Liberty was bopping around in there. I was having Braxton-hicks contractions which we could see but I couldn’t feel at all. Lib looks like his/her siblings!
I’ll never be at marker in pregnancy 4 times again, and yesterday was the last time I will be in the U/S room where we saw Blue Sunday for the first and last times. We will probably never see the ultrasound tech again either (though I promised to send her a picture of Lib with his/her siblings and one of his/her feet- we spent some time yesterday talking about how both kids have hub’s (gross) feet. (Kinsy will be fine, but poor MG, pedicures are going to be necessary. LOL. I digress) We’re transitioning care to the midwife with our next appointment. I have been in the crazy hybrid of care: my OB/GYN is my primary, but she doesn’t deliver anymore (she’s really seeing me as a favor since she was with me for Blue Sunday and understands my fear of Next Tuesday with a surprise pregnancy). MFM for ultrasounds, and testing. He, the MFM, said if I were his patient I would have an ultrasound every appointment and he would see me every 3 weeks until 3rd tri and then every 2! SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I like the midwife model of care, though and I know I feel comfortable with her. I am considering a more natural childbirth this go-round, so midwife probably works better for me. Though I am sad at giving up more ultrasounds. We might not see Lib again until he/she is on the outside!!! We had one ultrasound post anatomy scan with kinsy for growth at 30 ish weeks because I was measuring off and one for MG because she was naughty and breech. Both kids we had due-date ish ultrasounds to check fluids, but if I look good (measuring well) and go a little early (PLLLLLLLLEEEEAASSSSSEEEEE)- that could be it! I did- finally get the perfect U/S shot (only took 4 pregnancies!):


It is sad and exciting, as I begin to close the pregnancy chapter of my life. Sad: as I leave Blue Sunday behind in one more way. In a few hours I can say good-bye forever to 18 weeks 6 days of pregnancy and with it one of the major milestones I measure pregnancy by. Exciting: as I step closer to meeting my Liberty, completing my family and starting the pure parenting part of my life. 

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Monthly Pregnancy Update: Week 16

Commentary:
16 weeks, 1 day. Time FLIES

Baby's size:




How far along? 
16 weeks, 1 day. Time FLIES

Total weight gain/loss:
Down 3 pounds. I’ve gained a few from my lowest so I guess that’s good.  

Maternity clothes?
Yes. I’m HUGE.

Sleep:
Very, very tired

Best moment this fortnight:
I can feel baby moving now, that’s always so exciting J

Have you told family and friends:
Yes, and if they weren’t told and they can see me- they’ll know!

Movement:
Here and there. I wish it was more often to keep from being worried.

Food cravings:
Still don’t get these. boo

Anything making you queasy or sick:
Yeah. I’m a little less sick for the last week or two. I’m only throwing up two or three times a week.

Have you started to show yet:
Yep. I’m a pregnant looking lady. I am dreading someone asking me when I’m due and needing to tell them October. I was never this big with Blue Sunday, and probably not this large with Kinsy until 23/24 weeks ish. I’ll have do comparisons at some point.



Gender prediction?
I think boy, but this is SWAG.(LOL I ALWAYS think it’s a boy early)

Happy or Moody most of the time:
I've been grumpy. My back is KILLING ME. Not from this baby, but from MG and rocking her in her rocking chair that we don’t fit in. I have to slump over. Ouch

Miss anything:
Beer as always. Also wine. And normal food.

Looking forward to:

I have an appointment on Tuesday, just bloodwork and general check no ultrasound. We are taking a night away on Saturday- Kinsy and hub are going to Monster Jam (the monster truck show), MG and I will be in the pool at the hotel. That will be nice.  

Not baby related: Kinsy started T-ball and he has two games a week for the next several week. He’s only had one so far, but they are cute and really fun. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

The Dreaded NT Scan

Of the things I love about pregnancy the NT scan is not one of them. To be honest I don’t even like it. It is just stress.  Bad memories, fear and the unknown. Things were OK with MG, but we knew (within reason) that she was OK. So, I was a ball of stress leading up to the appointment. Unfortunately, the day before was Easter, so we had an extended family day. I ask my mom and husband to lay off all baby talk and end the conversation if it came up with anyone else. Everyone was respectful of my wishes, so that was good. (It is sort of hard to ignore. This is from Easter)


My appointment was mid-morning so I took the day off, hub went into work late in the afternoon. It was a LONG day. First I met with the MFM. I had mixed feelings about seeing him again.  He was the doc that did the amnio (that's the link) and the one who called with the news- all I remember of that call was "this is a T18 baby". I didn’t talk to hub about the pros and cons of staying with this MFM or going to the place with Next Tuesday. Though I did it with MG, I knew she was OK, so it felt less risky. So though he gave me a few flashbacks, I thought he was a better option than Next Tuesday.

So I went in to see the MFM and we talked for a long time, about pregnancy health in general, genetics and my past history (aka Blue Sunday and out fertility history). We decided to do the NIPT (which I would have insisted on anyway). He also ordered all my pregnancy labs- my GYN knew my labs were relatively up to date and decided we could wait 3 weeks to do the standard screenings. I went down to the Quest lab downstairs to have the SEVEN vials drawn- 2 for NIPT, 5 for all else. Good thing I’m a blood draw veteran.



We went back up to the MFM to give him the NIPT blood (I felt odd walking up 6 flights with vials of my own blood). Then it was time for the ultrasound.

Back to the ultrasound room where we first and last saw Blue Sunday. Again with the MFM and Linda the ultrasound tech by our side. Like with MG, this baby was very apparently snoozing when we first peeked in and I though baby was without a heartbeat. Linda poked me a little and baby moved and we could see the heart beating. PHEW. Heartbeat was a good 171 and baby was active. Measurements went quickly (much more cooperative than MG!).  I was obsessively trying to see the measurements as they flashed onscreen (though I get them at the end anyway). Baby was measuring ahead, 2 full days!, about 6.7cm. The NT was between 1.5 to 1.8 (interestingly the reported value was not the average as it was for all other measurements but the highest). Still 1.8 is well within normal. The MFM did mention that it was about the 70th percentile, which scared me, but my mind was set at ease later.


The MFM stayed for the vast majority of the scan, sometimes asking to look at particular regions. At one point Linda asked us the genders of our kids at home and we laughed that we really didn’t care about the gender wither way (for more than one reason honestly). The she asked “Are you going  to find out the gender this time?” We said no, but I asked “Do you know”? and she said “Oh yes!” and laughed, as did the MFM. Apparently we’re the only ones in the dark!

After the scan was complete, we went back up to the MFM’s office. He felt that the NT looked good. He also had done a mini, early anatomy scan and could confirm that the baby has two kidneys, 2 halves of the heart beginning to differentiate into 4 chambers and a healthy looking brain and spine. All good news. He wants me back for the real anatomy scan at 18 weeks (since I go on Mondays, I’ll actually be almost 19).

THEN I went back to my GYN, who told us more about the NT in general. I said I was a little nervous about being in the 70th percentile and she said NT alone is a really poor indicator of fetal health. Really high values can be normal and unfortunately low values can still be concerning. That the scan was good overall is a positive, but a big NT doesn’t always point to something. There was a study done that actually had to be stopped where women were referred for invasive testing based on NT alone. Nearly 20% of women were being sent over and the vast majority had babies with no issues.  SO I felt better about the 70th percentile, since even in the 90th most babies are still OK (which I know, but it’s nice to hear).

We get results from the NIPT 7-10 business days- so Wed-Fri next week. 

Monthly Update: 12 Weeks

(Yeah, I'm posting this from the future. I wrote at 12 weeks, but my photo app is having issues)
Commentary:
12 weeks and 6 days. I waiting until after the dreaded NT scan to post this. 

Baby's size:
6.69cm as of yesterday! (That's 2.6 inches)



How far along?  
12 weeks (and 6 days)! On short time in the First Trimester

Total weight gain/loss:
Down 5 pounds. Not too awful (last time I was down 12 at this point)

Maternity clothes?
Yes. For weeks now. I just wear poncho style tops and maternity pants. It's breezy if I wear a normal-length  non-maternity top. yikes



Sleep:
MG still sleeps with me. Things are rough. 

Best moment this fortnight:
NT scan went well :) Fingers crossed for good blood work results.

Have you told family and friends:
Most friends and family. I just told a work manager today. I'll tell my (new) boss on Thursday when we have a meeting

Movement:
Nah- a few more weeks to go. 

Food cravings:
Once in a while I want something specific (not really odd) but usually I don't want to eat anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:
Yeah. All the things.

Seriously: almost all meat all the time. I can't eat any lettuces or raw veggies. I couldn't keep pasta with red sauce down yesterday. 

Have you started to show yet:
Oh yes- 4th pregnancy yipes!


Still in the kitchen remodel....

Gender prediction?
I think boy, but this is SWAG. (I have been wrong on every early gender guess. Come back at 24 weeks if you want my solid guess. - by then I was right every time. 


Happy or Moody most of the time:
Just scared and sick unfortunatly. 


Miss anything: 
Eating without fear. Not vomiting. 

Looking forward to: 
Getting the NIPT results at the end of next week. It's my focus now. 

Thursday, March 29, 2018

I'm a Survivor

Survivor’s Guilt.

Here I am 12 weeks pregnant all on my own. It's hard to believe sometimes (most of the time). I can't quite get over that I am the person all those people told me about when I was in treatment.

"If you stop trying, it will happen. That's what my cousin, Imaginary Friend, did"
"May be you could drink and relax on vacation and you'll come home KTFU. My best friend from K1 (that I haven't seen since) had that happen!"
"My friend so-and-so didn't even have a uterus and she did some voodoo shit and has 12 kids now!"

I made the last one up, but you know what I mean.

Now I'm the anecdote.  I'm 1 and 2. OMFG. I HATE it. I feel terrible that I could be used to "cheer someone up" or "give them hope" when they are thinking "That can't be me because XYZ" (And XYZ can be literally true (no uterus) or figuratively true (Premature Ovarian Failure and shitty, shitty egg quality [aka me]) and it doesn't feel any less impossible.

I'm a 34 year old infertile woman who was NOT trying and is now having an unplanned, natural pregnancy. I did three round of IVF and came up with one embryo. ONE. It's hard to talk about this pregnancy.

The IF world pulls in women from all walks of life, who are in the world for many different reasons. We are all however, bonded in the loss of a natural, easy pregnancy. Except when we aren't.


Except when you’re me.