Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Quarterly Update #3- Goals 2017

Quarterly Update #3

1) Take some time off from family planning and enjoy the family I’ve built.
Enjoy the wonderful kids (and hub!) I have.
Update 1-More or less. I have not really re-started my cycle (I had it once, when I had the stomach virus, but not since). I have mentioned trying again, again once or twice. Hub eventually suggested seeing a couples therapist.. so we’re pretty far apart in what we want additional kid wise:/
Update 2- I'm going to do this as of June, since I missed updating then. At that point, this was still a win. I FULLY enjoy the two kids I'm raising and trying not to focus on the one more I want. 
I want another baby. I am trying not to focus on it. I do know that I am in my fertile window. I didn't do an ovulation test. Partial win? I mentioned another baby to hub- he floated adoption. I'm excited about that.

2) Read 12 books. Any books. Enjoy them.
I’ve read 2 and am starting a third:
The Whistler
Apprentice in Death
Don't You Cry (slightly behind)
The Good Girl
Big Little Lies
Startup: A Novel
A Drink Before the War (on track)
The Body of Christopher Cross
A Man Called Ove (on track)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago 3 years ago.
I HAVE been running fairly consistently, with Hub still in school I can really only run Thurs-Sun, and I’m not really in the shape to run 4 days in a row. I aim for 3 runs in 7 days, but have been getting 3 runs in 8. Not too bad. I should be on week 11 of a 10K app, so this is in reach
I was close. I ran it in 34 minutes. I know that isn't THAT close, but it's the fastest I've ever run a 5k. I have signed up for a 10k in October. So I am being consistent with running. That's more important than speed.
I ran a 5K in 31 minutes!! Closer and closer! It was part of a 10K- which I finished in 1:16 (even). Though that is a pretty terrible time given my first half, it is a full 3 minutes faster than I was 9 years, 3 rounds of IVF, 6 medicated cycles, 3 pregnancies and 2 kids ago! WIN 

4) Pay down 30,000 in debt and keep up with other money goals (college savings, retirement etc)- we’re doing Dave Ramsey-ish. Working successfully so far.
Yes! I got a nice bonus and we’ve been really good with budgeting so we’re more than ½ way to goal 
This was done, but then we booked a cruise for  September. That will be paid before we leave so we should be good for the year
WIN 

5) Re-do the kitchen- at long last.
I REALLY hope this is this year, but I am waiting for a good price to sell some stock. All depends on the market.
We decided not to sell stock at the most recent opportunity. Will reassess next time. We don’t want to make the decision to sell and regret it. Clearly the kitchen is work-able- we’ve been in our home for 6 years.     
Once again considering selling stock and pulling the trigger on this project. To be determined.      
See above 

6) A few health goals: Lose 10 pounds, start yoga, keep up with vitamins, cut back on caffeine (down two 2 cups of tea and one other caffeinated item per day).
Big fail. I guess this needs to be my focus.
I did remember my vitamins though!
Working on it! I've been good with the gym, OK with the caffeine. 
Fail. 

7) Become involved in my community. How? TBD. 
This is still a question mark.. thinking about it though
I'm getting involved with stuff for kins. This is becoming my community involvement.
Harder than I thought.. Going to more community events, but not true involvement. 

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Updates Galore

Surya is ONE. Bonkers.



She is pure delight during the day. She is sweet. He favorite thing is to give kisses (mouth open, tongue out) then she makes a little kiss sound and giggles. Seriously. Cutest.

She loves baby dolls and stuffies. She yells for them when she sees them- and points (new skill! Single finger pointing)- she smiles and makes this ah-ah-ah sound when we give them to her and then kisses the (see above) and hugs them close- patting their back.

She breaks into the BIGGEST smile when she sees her people- especially Kins!

She started walking 9/23- her due date! She claps, waves, says dada, ‘At (cat), woof woof, UH (uh-oh) and mama. She does NOT sleep in her own room past 1am. She doesn’t like drinking out of any cup I have identified (unless it is an open cup that I hold for her ugh).

She is 20 lbs 12 oz, (UPDATE WITH HEIGHT). She is petite and adorable.


Kinsy started preschool! He goes 2 mornings a week for 4 hours. They do a little project every day, play outside, have lunch and snack, say the pledge of allegiance and play! When I ask Kins what he did at school he says "nothing". Good thing the teacher e-mails. 


He’s a big boy now- almost 4. Suddenly he is tall and slim (not my little butterball anymore) He loves legos and his family. He played his first team sport- court hockey. He improved every game (but the first one he spent crying in the stands so take that with a grain of salt). He talks up a storm, and has a wonderful vocabulary but he started stuttering last week. We're trying not to make a big deal out of it and if it doesn't resolve we'll take him to the doctor.  

I still want another baby. Hub is not in the mindset to make that decision. He's still dealing with depression and doesn't seem to know how to get out of it (doctor, workout) I know it is related to his brother passing- and having had "earned depression" when Blue Sunday was here and then not here- I get the urge to sit with it. I'm trying not to push him too hard. But he is very prickly- which is hard- and I am worried about him. 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

2 Years Ago, 2 Years From Now....

2 years ago today- I started meds for IVF cycle #1. The cycle that made MG.

It doesn’t feel that it could be that long ago- though it’s been a busy 2 years!

Hub and I have agreed to one more, one more try. I KNOW! I said I would leave it alone for a year, we made it 9 months. I’d like to cycle before year end 2016 (as I inch closer to 35 and AMA land). The plan for now is to start a buttload of vitamins, start  working out and cutting back caffeine. After our September vacation we’ll go back to the clinic and I will wean MG (whhhaaaaaa). Goal to cycle in November or early December. Assuming my ovaries haven’t checked out. My numbers could be bad enough that we don’t bother. I don’t have the drive for a third child to raise the way I did for a second. We won’t consider donor egg at this time (NOT because I view it as a less-than choice- mostly because the expense to us vs. the lack of expense for own egg IVF and the fear of non-genetic kid would feel less than his/her siblings).

If we are lucky enough to get a good embryo- the goal would be to transfer when MG is 2 ish- making us 2 years away from a potential bavby

A few questions for any vets of IVF after successful IVF:

Should I/ Did you pursue a second opinion? I have a few concerns- our 3rd IVF nothing fertilized (nothing was 4 eggs). At our next appointment our Doc mentioned that we would do ICSI for any future IVF cycles and that this would now be covered with insurance for cause. In the prior two cycles, we had- 4 of 8 mature fertilized in our first (with 2 unfert actually fertilized but with multiple sperm) and 4 retrieved ? mature 2 fertilized in our second (WHY didn’t I write the number of mature???). Was this always a fertilization in addition to everything else?

Male factor? Does failure to fertilize mean  male factor? Usually our embryos (the 7 we made) would fail after the day 3 call. I think I have heard that is male issue, but we are always blaming my shitty eggs.

I am going to try a bunch of supplements (most of which I don’t believe in to be honest) What have you tried? Anything work? I am still breastfeeding- so I want it to be safe (or start after weaning).


Has anyone tried IVF after success and decided to stop without conceiving again? I feel like once I start it’s hard to stop.. that makes me worried. 

Friday, June 30, 2017

Goals Quarterly Update #2

Quarterly Update #2

1) Take some time off from family planning and enjoy the family I’ve built.
Enjoy the wonderful kids (and hub!) I have.
Update 1-More or less. I have not really re-started my cycle (I had it once, when I had the stomach virus, but not since). I have mentioned trying again, again once or twice. Hub eventually suggested seeing a couples therapist.. so we’re pretty far apart in what we want additional kid wise:/
Update 2- I'm going to do this as of June, since I missed updating then. At that point, this was still a win. I FULLY enjoy the two kids I'm raising and trying not to focus on the one more I want. 

2) Read 12 books. Any books. Enjoy them.
I’ve read 2 and am starting a third:
The Whistler
Apprentice in Death
Don't You Cry (slightly behind)
The Good Girl
Big Little Lies
Startup: A Novel
A Drink Before the War (on track)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago 3 years ago.
I HAVE been running fairly consistently, with Hub still in school I can really only run Thurs-Sun, and I’m not really in the shape to run 4 days in a row. I aim for 3 runs in 7 days, but have been getting 3 runs in 8. Not too bad. I should be on week 11 of a 10K app, so this is in reach
I was close. I ran it in 34 minutes. I know that isn't THAT close, but it's the fastest I've ever run a 5k. I have signed up for a 10k in October. So I am being consistent with running. That's more important than speed.

4) Pay down 30,000 in debt and keep up with other money goals (college savings, retirement etc)- we’re doing Dave Ramsey-ish. Working successfully so far.
Yes! I got a nice bonus and we’ve been really good with budgeting so we’re more than ½ way to goal 
This was done, but then we booked a cruise for  September. That will be paid before we leave so we should be good for the year

5) Re-do the kitchen- at long last.
I REALLY hope this is this year, but I am waiting for a good price to sell some stock. All depends on the market.
We decided not to sell stock at the most recent opportunity. Will reassess next time. We don’t want to make the decision to sell and regret it. Clearly the kitchen is work-able- we’ve been in our home for 6 years.     
Once again considering selling stock and pulling the trigger on this project. To be determined.      

6) A few health goals: Lose 10 pounds, start yoga, keep up with vitamins, cut back on caffeine (down two 2 cups of tea and one other caffeinated item per day).
Big fail. I guess this needs to be my focus.
I did remember my vitamins though!
Working on it! I've been good with the gym, OK with the caffeine. 


7) Become involved in my community. How? TBD. 
This is still a question mark.. thinking about it though
I'm getting involved with stuff for kins. This is becoming my community involvement. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

Month Eight

Month Eight
4/28/2017-5/27/2017


Weight- ? no recent weights I'd guess she's 17-ish pounds

Diapers- Size 2 but needs a 3, finishing out the box!

Milestones:

MG is on the move! She started a crawling approximation! She gets on hands and knees and then pushes her toes into the ground. She can get some forward momentum. But mostly backward momentum!


She also can sit herself up from laying down And on May 17th she did this!
And now she does it all the time ;)

First flight! We went to California and had a blast!
We went on a real plane too


First time in the pool- she didn't like it at first but ended up loving it

We took both kids mini-golfing for the first time. MG figured out how to nurse in her carrier. Here we are when she was done, and one of kinsy because he's cute






Sleep- By the end of this month she was in her own bed until about 2AM, up for feeding, back in her bed in our room until 3:30. Some days I can settle her when she wakes up and get her back into the little bed. Othertimes no. Progress.

Clothes- Between a 3-6 and 6-9 months- can wear one but it's a little small and the other but it's a little big.  

Still sleeping in a Zippity-zip . This has become a necessity. She likes to pinch as she nurses she has done this since she was tiny, but now she's strong. The zippity-zip keeps her hands covered. 

EatingShe is still breastfeeding All. Night. Long. As well as once in the morning, when I get home from work and before bed on work days. I usually add 2 more feedings in the day on days I'm home. 
She also gets a meal of solids once a day- usually a puree. We're also tried egg a few times this month- and plenty of carby foods she can hold onto an gnaw- like bread, sweet potato fries etc. Also, she tried some chicken.

Likes-  
Food!
Standing up
Kins is still her favorite person 
She really likes wind blowing on her (she is SUPER sweaty)
DislikesSleeping alone. Getting stuck in a place she can't stand up/ crawl away from

IllnessNone!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I Guess We Never Really Moved On: EBD Five

Lips of an Angel

FIVE. 

My goodness I should have a 5 year old.

That is crushing. I miss my baby. I know I never knew him. I know we didn’t have much time together. I remember so much more of that pregnancy than my other 2. It makes sense in a lot of ways- pregnancy was the only time we had, and it was my first pregnancy. 

Now having two kids, I can see the way even kids with the same mom and dad, born into about the same situation can vary so much. MG is easy, laid back and just a ray of happiness. Kinsy is strong-willed, sensitive and a BIG personality. I adore them both though they are completely different. I'll never really glimpse at what I'm missing with Blue Sunday.

And never is forever- so it will hurt forever.

This is what people in my real life don't get. I know the feelings of some- that I should move on, that I should seek help, that I keep building up the mountain that should now be eroded to a molehill. I have sought help and I had two therapists tell me I am totally normal and appropriately dealing. They agree- it will always hurt, I am in the majority of loss moms who feel jealous, angry and sad when others don't and can't understand this grief.

Day to day, I'm OK. I treasure my kids, and I probably love them a little harder for what brought me here. But every year, as the days pass and we come to late May- I think "in another place and time, where my eggs weren't masquerading as old ladies way before their time- would this have been my first baby's birthday? What would I have been feeling 5 years ago today? Right now?" And worse in some ways "What am I missing today?" The first party with real friends? A best friend for myself in the mom of some other like-age little kid? A thousand laughs, smiles and tears and a thousand thousand to come. 

My girl’s in the next room, 
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
Hinder, Lips of an Angel