Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Bi-Monthly Update: 12 Weeks

(Yeah, I'm posting this from the future. I wrote at 12 weeks, but my photo app is having issues)
12 weeks and 6 days. I waiting until after the dreaded NT scan to post this. 

Baby's size:
6.69cm as of yesterday! (That's 2.6 inches)

How far along?  
12 weeks (and 6 days)! On short time in the First Trimester

Total weight gain/loss:
Down 5 pounds. Not too awful (last time I was down 12 at this point)

Maternity clothes?
Yes. For weeks now. I just wear poncho style tops and maternity pants. It's breezy if I wear a normal-length  non-maternity top. yikes

MG still sleeps with me. Things are rough. 

Best moment this fortnight:
NT scan went well :) Fingers crossed for good blood work results.

Have you told family and friends:
Most friends and family. I just told a work manager today. I'll tell my (new) boss on Thursday when we have a meeting

Nah- a few more weeks to go. 

Food cravings:
Once in a while I want something specific (not really odd) but usually I don't want to eat anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:
Yeah. All the things.

Seriously: almost all meat all the time. I can't eat any lettuces or raw veggies. I couldn't keep pasta with red sauce down yesterday. 

Have you started to show yet:
Oh yes- 4th pregnancy yipes!

Still in the kitchen remodel....

Gender prediction?
I think boy, but this is SWAG. (I have been wrong on every early gender guess. Come back at 24 weeks if you want my solid guess. - by then I was right every time. 

Happy or Moody most of the time:
Just scared and sick unfortunatly. 

Miss anything: 
Eating without fear. Not vomiting. 

Looking forward to: 
Getting the NIPT results at the end of next week. It's my focus now. 

Thursday, March 29, 2018

I'm a Survivor

Survivor’s Guilt.

Here I am 12 weeks pregnant all on my own. It's hard to believe sometimes (most of the time). I can't quite get over that I am the person all those people told me about when I was in treatment.

"If you stop trying, it will happen. That's what my cousin, Imaginary Friend, did"
"May be you could drink and relax on vacation and you'll come home KTFU. My best friend from K1 (that I haven't seen since) had that happen!"
"My friend so-and-so didn't even have a uterus and she did some voodoo shit and has 12 kids now!"

I made the last one up, but you know what I mean.

Now I'm the anecdote.  I'm 1 and 2. OMFG. I HATE it. I feel terrible that I could be used to "cheer someone up" or "give them hope" when they are thinking "That can't be me because XYZ" (And XYZ can be literally true (no uterus) or figuratively true (Premature Ovarian Failure and shitty, shitty egg quality [aka me]) and it doesn't feel any less impossible.

I'm a 34 year old infertile woman who was NOT trying and is now having an unplanned, natural pregnancy. I did three round of IVF and came up with one embryo. ONE. It's hard to talk about this pregnancy.

The IF world pulls in women from all walks of life, who are in the world for many different reasons. We are all however, bonded in the loss of a natural, easy pregnancy. Except when we aren't.

Except when you’re me. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

10 Weeks Again, Again

Comparing 10 weeks at all 3 4 pregnancies (I explained why here). Just read the red highlights for this time. 

11/3/11-So excited! Double digit weeks down :)
This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how quickly that went by. I guess I didn't even know I was pregnant until 6 weeks and 3 days ago. We found out on September 19th (though I knew on September 18th, I just didn't test). Chris finds the 1/4 thought "scary". Not exactly the adjective I was going for. Hopefully he'll get use to the idea of being daddy soon!
6/7/13- So excited! Double digit weeks down :)
This also means we're 1/4 through with pregnancy. I really can't believe how long this is taking or how stressed I am. And to think, I've only suspected I was pregnant for 6 weeks 4 days. I suspected on April 22nd. Chris is so, so excited to be 1/4 of the way through. He really can't wait for this baby to be deemed healthy and born into our lives.
2/26/16- How, how am I 10 weeks?! I guess time speeds up when you have a little one already at home. I can only focus on this pregnancy in my downtime- which is rare.
3/20/18- I'm pregnant? Oh yeah... I'm deeply in denial (waiting out the NT scan). I could forget if it wasn't for the nausea. And vomiting. 

How far along?  
11/3/11- 10 weeks today!
6/7/13- Ditto
2/26/16- Trippo
3/20/18- I'm actually almost 11 weeks. 

Total weight gain/loss:
11/3/11-Last check was -10, I may be up a few again now that I can eat!!
6/7/13- No Change
2/26/16- --9, as of this morning. IVF weight, don’t get nervous- also I usually can’t eat.
3/20/18-  -4 as of this morning. I'm too sick to eat from the afternoon on. I haven't both eaten dinner and kept it down in weeks.

Maternity clothes?
11/3/11-Not on me, but I did buy a few. Hey! There was a good sale :)
6/7/13- Ditto
2/26/16- Well this is a big change. I’ve grown much more quickly this go-round. I feel like it is so obvious, though no one has said anything to me outside of family.  Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror, try and suck it in, and realize I cannot even though I lost nearly double digit pounds. Most bottoms don’t fit. The other day I wore open pants and a blanket poncho shirt thing to work. Today a dress and maternity leggings. I am hoping to get to the NT scan just under 2 weeks from now before being obvious about it at work. 6 more work days, bring on the ponchos!
3/20/18- I am fairly sure I'm showing. I just keep wearing big clothes to work. My supervisor is leaving ( :( ) so I am going to push to be promoted. Don't want them to know about the baby before then.

11/3/11-Sooooo tired. I had to miss class on Tuesday because of exhaustion. I have crazy dreams when I do get to sleep.
6/7/13-  Super tired. I go to bed at 9:15
2/26/16- I didn’t know what tired was. Shut up past Lizzy. Between kins, work, house upkeep and the nausea pills I’m bone tired.
3/20/18- MG sleeps in my bed still. I haven't slept properly in 2 years. 

Best moment this week:
11/3/11-Telling a few more of our friends on Saturday.
 6/7/13- I found the heartbeat on doppler on Tuesday! That was really exciting. My OB says this increases our chance of taking home a baby to 95%. I can't get that 5% out of my head.
2/26/16- Much like with kins, I found the heartbeat on Doppler on Saturday- 9w1d!
3/20/18- Found the heartbeat this time at 8+6. That was exciting. I have a tiny bit of spotting this time, so I check often. No issues yet.

Have you told family and friends:
11/3/11- The rest of the family will be told after Monday's ultrasound.(Editor's note- this is the line that made me the saddest. That scan SUCKED, more so in retrospect. NT of 2.9/3.5 depending on who measured)
6/7/13- Almost everyone knows at this point. We tell, since we're really open people, and like drinking alcohol.
2/26/2016- Most close friends and our families know. Work and less-close friends do not- also, anyone we haven’t seen. We don’t plan on a facebook announcement (didn’t last time either).
3/20/18- I told my 7 close girl friends (we have a group text) and a few others here and there. Our parents and siblings, my soon-to-be-ex-boss and my direct reports also know. Normally I wouldn't tell work so early, but my boss and I are close and we have a BIG deliverable this year (asking the FDA to approve another of our drugs by year end) so I didn't feel right not telling my team. 
I am doing a FB announcement this time- assuming our genetic results are good. Probably after the 20 week scan. 

11/3/11- Not that I can feel. I'll check that the bugger can move it move it on Monday
6/7/13- I saw the baby moving on the u/s last week, so I know it is capable. I'm actually excited about this, I felt movement early with Blue Sunday- about 16 weeks- and he was a very non-active baby.
2/26/16- It seemed like baby was moving when I listened on Doppler- but I don’t think I’ll feel it for several more weeks.
3/20/18- Not that I can feel. 

Food cravings:
11/3/11-No, but I DO feel like eating again. Yay!!!!
6/7/13- No, I eat when and what I can. The sickness returned with a vengeance after a week or two reprieve last time, so I'm just getting in what I can.
2/26/16- Please don’t make me. I am on the digleics, which make some food possible. Today I’ve had 1/3 of a bagel and it’s almost 3pm.
3/20/18- I can usually get down some carb for breakfast. After that I don't eat, much less crave anything. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:
11/3/11- Toothpaste. Otherwise I'm improving.
6/7/13-All meat :(
2/26/16- Eve .Ry. Thing.
3/20/18- Last night both kids threw up in their beds. So that. Also, everything else. 

Have you started to show yet:
11/3/11- I just look bloated, same as last week. I am getting hard just over my pubic bone :)
6/7/13-This is a major difference actually, my uterus is already up about a half-an-inch below my belly button. I can see and feel a bump, but with my extra weight since last time and the small enlargement- only hub and I can tell.
2/26/16- I can tell! I feel other people can too, but no one has said except my parents and hub.
3/20/18- I feel like yes, but I could just be fat. 

Gender prediction?
11/3/11-Still feeling boy.
6/7/13- Thinking pink!!
2/26/16- I didn’t peak in the envelope, so we don’t know. I’ve handed it over to my midwife, so opportunity is lost. We want to be surprised. At this point, I have no idea. Last time, I thought kins was a girl until 16 or 18 weeks. Then I settled on boy and stayed there.
3/20/18- I feel like boy, just because that would be much less convenient. MG will be be 2 years and 2 weeks older if baby comes on due date. So all her clothes will be the right season. 

Happy or Moody most of the time:
11/3/11- I am happy, but I cry randomly. I had a case of road rage Friday. This guy on a stupid headset was trying to take a left across a lane of traffic. He went through the light after the turn arrow had shut off, and blocked my lane of traffic. I was the first car. So I angled my car in front of him and drove until there was no room. He gives me this finger wag "no, no, no" thing and I BLEW UP. I was miming You (pointing at him) suck (hand job, mouth movement) at driving (miming driving) . Then I yelled I hope he died, reconsidered and said someone you love, felt that was still to mean and said I hope your pet died. Then changed that to fish.. Ending with "I hope your favorite fish dies". Then I cried. Awesome.
6/7/13- As my dad would say: I am "nowheres-near" as emotional as I was last time. I am however, scared witless.
2/26/16- I’m a raging jerk. Horrible. Angry and short. I think it’s hunger/nausea and exhaustion. 
3/20/18- Just tired. So tired. 

Baby is the size of a
2/26/16- Green olive/ grape Cute!
3/20/18- Green olive/ grape but on the big side since I'm almost 11 weeks.

Miss anything: 
2/26/16: Food. Especially the C word (chicken gag gag)
3/20/18: Digesting food. 

Looking forward to
2/26/16: NT scan on the 9th (far off goal!), but I leave today for my cousin’s bachelorette party in New Hampshire. So that will be fun! I haven’t been away from kins since the wedding in September!
3/20/18- NT scan is the prize right now. 1.5 weeks. Then I can plan my life. 

Monday, February 26, 2018

Maybe I'm Amazed: Microblogging Monday

I feel like I could just plagiarize my own post from here (MG's first ultrasound).

There was a heartbeat. And a baby. Measuring RIGHT where I thought it should be. It put my LMP date 1/3/2018... the First Wednesday of an Even Year. UN-BE-LIEVEABLE.

We have our NT scan on 4/2/2018 (the day after Easter and the day before my cousin's due date)

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time 
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you 
Paul McCartney, Maybe I'm Amazed

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Waiting on a Moment: Microblogging Monday

Waiting for my appointment - and ultrasound- is torture. I'm a big fan of stress eating. I just had 1/2 a container of onion dip and chips. Hub and I have called onion dip stress dip since it's my go-to for stress snacking. Unfortunatly, I'm nauseous. So I'll regret that soon.

Tick tick.

Waiting to check on my huge, tiny in size surprise.

(Have I mentioned my last natural pregnancy was 6 years ago- Blue Sunday. I'm I insane for this hope growing?)

Friday, February 2, 2018

First Week of January Strikes Again

Buckle Up.

So I have posted that the first week of January on even numbered years for the past 6 years have been eventful.

2012- termination
2014- due date and eventually birth of Kins.
2016- transfer of MG

This year, 2018, we nearly lost our 12 year old Lab Puck (but we didn't!)

I had this theory that I would have a few years of good things on Even Year Januaries to make up for the Big Bad Thing. Since this was bad-turned-good, I thought MAY BE we were done with events in January all together. Then we went on vacation and MG was burned by spilled hot water. I'll post separately about it but basically she had a scald burn on her chest covering about 9% of her body- a mix of first and second degree. They almost sent us off the boat. However they didn't and docs at home think she's going to be just fine. Phew.

So then I thought- well two big things in January - may be that's enough for my streak to be satisfied. With a return to bad, may be I can have normal Even Year Januaries from now on. Then... then Thursday February 1st happened.

Guys. I'm pregnant.

I guess the universe is still trying to give me good things to make up for the big bad thing in 2012.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Six Years Gone- Watershed Wednesdays

Somehow it has been 6 years since the last day Blue Sunday and I were together.

Six. Years.

There was a time I didn't think I would survive 6 days, or 6 minutes for that matter. I very clearly remember laying in bed right after the diagnosis wishing time would pass in a literal flash. That I could somehow find myself some time ahead, where the pain wouldn't be so raw.

Here I am, not a flash (though sometimes it feels that way!). "Time heals all wounds" was clearly coined by an observer and not the wounded. Time has healed over the worst of the wound but the damage is deep. No one can see it but me I think.

Hub did mention Blue Sunday, in the obtuse way he does. I appreciated that. There is nothing worse than being the only one who remembers. Overall though, Blue Sunday's time, from Boxing day through the 4th of January passed with only me silently marking the days.

The trend of Watershed Wednesdays occurring on the first Wednesday of January every even year continued:

1/4/12- Termination day
1/8/14- Kin's was born!
1/6/16- MG was transfered
1/4/18- We almost lost our dog

It sounds less dramatic, but there were several hours where I thought we wold be putting down my dog Puck on Wednesday 1/4. She is a 13 year old lab who very suddenly declined. We brought her to the emergency vet and they found a tumor in her abdomen. We thought it was widespread cancer. Turns out she has Addison's disease which was causing her rapid weightloss and lethargy. We think the mass is benign but can't confirm until she is stable on her new medication.

Hub feels like we dodged a bullet. I feel like the universe decided that date has enough negatives already attached to it and we were given a break. Who knows- may be Blue Sunday played a role in getting this to turn out well for us. I like to think of him as a little guardian for our family.

Either way- here's to you my lost friend. Where ever you are, I hope it is comfortable and safe. You'll always be my first baby. And I'll always be your mom. I did my best for you, and I always will.

Our Christmas card this year had all three of my kids in it (in their own way):

The Ornament right above MG's is in honor of Blue Sunday. You can't see here but there are little blue birds on the arms of a woman looking up at the sky.