Monday, September 19, 2016

That Moment When.. You Might Have Saved Someone's Life

Today is an incredible day.

Surya-Scott is still tucked up inside with no signs of making an appearance (at 39+4. ugg). Don't get excited for news on that front. BUT.

I have mentioned I'm a bit of a work-a-holic. I love what I do, who I work with (usually) and especially who I work FOR. In a brief recap, I work in clinical research and my current job has me working on a drug for very sick kids, teens and 20-somethings. They are dying, plain and simple. Though not in a plain and simple way (can you ever?).

I mentioned months ago that I had one of the worst days of my life due to my work going very unfortunately not our way. I wrote:

My last post was about a day full of anxiety. It actually turned out to be one of the worst days of my life- and I've had some doozies. There is an outside chance everything will work out, but it is looking unlikely. My heart is broken for some very deserving people.

Well, today, somehow, it all turned around. This is the final word (within reason) and a huge, huge success - professionally of course, but also personally. I know there are families who decide to terminate a pregnancy for this condition. I now also know that there is a treatment option where there wasn't before. It won't effect all the kids, it isn't a cure, but it is something. And that something is something I believe in. I think this works. I think it will extend lives and improve quality of life. I believe that I made the lives of some kids and their families brighter today, in my own small way. I may have saved some mother the terrible pain of a medical termination (conversely, I may have made that decision that much harder. This isn't a cure after all). I may have saved a life.

It feels amazing.

When I called hub, I was crying and shaking. Of course, he thought I was in labor. When we got that cleared up, he asked if I was ok. My response "I can't feel my hands". I was shaking so much. Truly an amazing day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bi-Weekly Update: 38 weeks

How far along: 38 Weeks (and 4 days) Almost there!


Baby is the size of a: Leek? This also seems small. This baby should be 6.5 pounds by now. BIG

Total weight gain: UP three pounds from starting, last time I got on the scale. I've thrown up dinner the last four nights.. so that might not be accurate, but I'm hoping. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, baby dropped and my belly is so low- it was very high with Kins

Stretch marks: Nope! and I don't get the brown line either. My stomach just looks like I eat too many solid donuts haha. 

Sleep: PLEASE. I am so tired

Best moment since last update: I had my last day in the office yesterday. I love my job, but it is an hour each way now that the kids are back in school. I am tried of being in the car. 

Miss anything: Comfort

Movement: yes, but the movements are weird- hard and shifty, not gentle bumps anymore. 

Food cravings:Meh, not into food

Anything making you queasy or sick: eating. Anything. I can't keep food down. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!



Labor Signs? I'm having braxton hicks contractions still some hurt. Nothing is consistent. 

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. I have an appointment tomorrow, I was 1.5cm dilated last appointment (and 1 the appointment before that) hoping to be at a 2 tomorrow.. just back I want to feel things are slowly moving in the right direction. Last appointment I lost weight and was measuring a bit small (though baby is looooowwww) so we have an u/s tomorrow. I am hoping they aren't wanting to induce me. Thought I am READY to meet this baby.. it is a little bittersweet. I'll be done being pregnant forever once this baby is here. Also, I got my parents Bruce Springsteen tickets. I'm not sure they would miss it for the birth (I kid.. I think)

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Bi-Monthly Update: 36 Weeks

How far along: 36 Weeks (and 4 days) WHAT??????


Baby is the size of a: Head of romaine, doesn't that seem smaller than a chicken? That was the 34 week food item 

Total weight gain: guys, I gained weight! As of this morning I am 2 pounds OVER starting! That is a 16 pound gain from lowest weight. It makes sense I'm gaining now, baby should be gaining an ounce a day. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, and I feel big. I think baby dropped. Everything fits weird. 

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: PLEASE. I am so tired

Best moment since last update: I (mostly) packed my bag. That was exciting. Though it was because I thought I might be in labor, which scared me. It's a little too early. 

Miss anything: Comfort

Movement: Lots and lots. Foot in ribs. 

Food cravings:Meh, not into food

Anything making you queasy or sick: Threw up just yesterday.. so no. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

Labor Signs? I'm having braxton hicks contractions, which I don't think I got with kins. At least I don't really remember them. 

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. I have an appointment tomorrow, I don't know if we're treating it like 37 weeks or like 36. I'm not sure if we'll do a cervical check.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Odds and Ends


It's been an eventful several weeks, and I just haven't had the time and energy to update. So here I am now, making and Odds and Ends post.

Should Surya-Scott be a boy, he's had a name for months now. Hub really is attached to what I consider a joke name- it is a sound alike first name to our last name. It was his nickname during his time overseas and so I understand, but also.. if he (surya-scott) wants to go by this name, he can do so as a nickname from our last name and no one would thinks it's odd. BUT he named kins and knows I'm not going with the name he likes. He doesn't LOVE the name I have chosen, but sees the sentimentality of it and likes it enough. If Surya-Scott is a girl.. she is nameless. The most frustrating part is that hub and I have liked the same names throughout the pregnancy- just at different times. Yesterday I came around on a name he likes. It is meaningful, but wasn't my 'style'. I finally saw a little girl with this name in my family.. and I came home to tell him- and (I am NOT making this up) HE decided his vote was my previous number one name. It's funny- but really frustrating.

Hub's foot is not broken!!! At least, not anymore. There was a fracture, which healed, but created bone spurs which are cutting into a tendon. Ouch. For unknown reasons (which I think are related to our annual town 5K), the pain from this flares up which causes swelling, causing additional chafing of bone on tendon. This is not a good situation, but not one he needs a cast/boot, crutches or surgery for in the short term. To be continued post baby...

I mentioned in my micro post that baby flipped! This is going to be its own post since I am IN AWE of the voodoo I did to flip this kid. And a TOTAL believer in acupuncture, chiropractors and spinning babies. Short story- went to Acupuncture hours later I felt baby flip hours after that confirmation on ultrasound and was told "no way baby will flip, there isn't enough fluid". MAGIC.

I am wrapping up my office life. I had a lot of e-mails kicking around my in-box, papers on my desk and work in progress. I am trying to get all this done for my boss (we're a team of 2) by the 9th of September. I am still concerned they will want to induce me at 39 weeks- which is the 16th. If that is looking like the case, I will be taking the week of the 12th off. Otherwise, my last day will be the 16th in the hopes of a ~40 week natural labor. With kins, the holidays were a good reason to have my last in office day be the day I started week 38. 

I am super uncomfortable. Like really, really uncomfortable. I ended up at my midwife's office 2 weeks ago with terrible pubic pain. No sign of infection, I was closed and firm and the FFN test was negative (it can [redict preterm labor) so the assumption is SPD. It is occasionally excruciating and usually uncomfortable. I went when it was just a bum in my pelvis, now with a head there.. there are times I could cry. 


Overall though, my BP is low (but not too low!), baby is moving and was five and half pounds at my ultrasound at 34.5 weeks, Kins' room is coming along (his big boy bed is due in today - I'm so torn.), baby clothes are getting washed. I'm giant!!



Odds and ends, odds and ends
Lost time is not found again.
Bob Dylan, Odds and Ends

Monday, August 22, 2016

Bi-Monthly Update: 34 Weeks

How far along: 35 Weeks. I lied in the title. Life is crazy


Baby is the size of a: A small rosting chicken. Same shape too. haha

Total weight gain: Lost 3 pounds- at -3 since start of pregnancy- but +12 from lowest. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, I get told how little I look, but feel HUGE. 

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: Not awesome, as usual

Best moment since last update: We had professional maternity pictures done (haven't gotten them back yet), and normally that would be my high point BUT I held this update for my ultrasound which was a few days ago and BABY TURNED!!!!! WOO-HOO
Also, I saw Billy Joel in concert and it was AMAZING. DREAM of mine. For real

Miss anything: Seeing my feet. Being comfortable, Sam Summer and now Pumpkinhead

Movement: Lots and lots. 

Food cravings: I really wanted a Chicken and avocado sandwich sandwich the other day- then only ate half 

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still vomiting. Horrible heartburn. Honestly, I'm never hungry. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

Labor Signs? Baby's head is in the correct position- which is like 3 inches from the outside world it feels like. No labor signs though. My midwife discussed 39 week induction with me. She may not officially suggest an induction then, (she was going to look into WHY IVF babies are induced at 39 weeks in my hospital system) and I may not accept it. But I HOPE baby is a bit early. I am way, way more uncomfortable than I was with kins at this point (I think)

Looking Forward to? BABY!!!! and Labor. And pumpkinhead and before all that Kid Rock and Jason Aldean next week :) 

Cheating at #MicrobloggingMonday

I am cheating at this today. I have A LOT to say- so I am making a micro post and a big 'un.

For micro: I read this article linked from facebook by a mother who lost her daughter at birth. Nadia, the baby, was very sick. Her parents discovered this VERY late in pregnancy- 37 weeks. They considered termination as well as a C-section and intervention but ultimately chose comfort care instead. Regardless, Nadia was stillborn. One of the paragraphs her mother wrote struck me as a universal for the babylost community:

...I look at her pictures, hand prints, the plaster cast of her feet. But what would she have been like?Or was sick all that she could have ever been? How could a gene or two erase everything else that she was, had the potential to be? Some parts of me, some parts of AndrĂ©, some history of all life ever, assembled into her, an almost perfect child. Almost.
People understand that to lose a baby before it has been born is to lose an object of hope; that a beautiful idea of what the future should have held was suddenly ripped away from us. But there has to be more to it. Was it just hope that grew as the pregnancy progressed, as she passed all the usual markers for concern, and was this what set us up for our big crash? Or was it her that grew, and became more human? I cannot imagine anything specific to her as a person however hard I try. And yet I long for her, so badly. But how do I even know that I long for her?
I remember in a long ago post I was circling this question myself. Who was Blue Sunday? Or more correctly- who would Blue Sunday have been? IF- if the chromosomes were typically arranged, or IF he could have survived even with T18. I wrote:

... May be I'm on the right track. And what happened to Blue Sunday was just a huge Charlie Foxtrot. I want to emphasize "what happened to Blue Sunday", I don't believe that Blue was the disease, I feel that she/he was separate from it. That this is something that happened to him/her and not all he/she was. I know that is a little point, but it is one that matters, and one that makes it so hard for me. The extra chromosome was added to a baby who would have been wonderful, special., naughty, cute and mine all on his or her own.  I'll never know what that little person was like because of this little extra piece. It's true I suppose- It's the little things.
Even so many years out, I still ask these questions.

I think about it a lot more now, now that I am weeks from delivering our second rainbow, I am very close to finally finding out the gender of Blue Sunday. I decided to find out when my family reached what we will call complete.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Bi-Monthly Update: 32 Weeks

How far along: 32 Weeks 


Baby is the size of a: A half-gallon of milk! That's pretty big actually

Total weight gain: I've broken even with my pre-pregnancy weight. Net is 0, I've put back on 14 pounds that I had lost though. 

Maternity clothes: Yes, though I did find some soft, linen pre-pregnancy shorts that work.

Stretch marks: Nope!

Sleep: Not awesome, but there is lots of stress

Best moment since last update: Ugh this was a rough time. I guess I'l go with getting back to pre-pregnancy weight. I was a little worried I'd end net-negative. 

Miss anything: Not having heartburn.

Movement: Yes, a lot. Unfortunately breech to vertex back to breech. Now LOTS of kicking- to my cervix. Sigh

Food cravings: meh. Not a fan of food. Actually, I eat a lot of jelly beans. haha How silly

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still vomiting on the regular.So, yes. 

Have you started to show yet: YES!

31-ish weeks


Labor Signs? I have had some pain, but nothing that says "labor". No swelling and rings (and normal shoes) still on!