Sunday, February 18, 2018

Waiting on a Moment: Microblogging Monday

Waiting for my appointment - and ultrasound- is torture. I'm a big fan of stress eating. I just had 1/2 a container of onion dip and chips. Hub and I have called onion dip stress dip since it's my go-to for stress snacking. Unfortunatly, I'm nauseous. So I'll regret that soon.

Tick tick.

Waiting to check on my huge, tiny in size surprise.

(Have I mentioned my last natural pregnancy was 6 years ago- Blue Sunday. I'm I insane for this hope growing?)

Friday, February 2, 2018

First Week of January Strikes Again

Buckle Up.

So I have posted that the first week of January on even numbered years for the past 6 years have been eventful.

2012- termination
2014- due date and eventually birth of Kins.
2016- transfer of MG

This year, 2018, we nearly lost our 12 year old Lab Puck (but we didn't!)


I had this theory that I would have a few years of good things on Even Year Januaries to make up for the Big Bad Thing. Since this was bad-turned-good, I thought MAY BE we were done with events in January all together. Then we went on vacation and MG was burned by spilled hot water. I'll post separately about it but basically she had a scald burn on her chest covering about 9% of her body- a mix of first and second degree. They almost sent us off the boat. However they didn't and docs at home think she's going to be just fine. Phew.




So then I thought- well two big things in January - may be that's enough for my streak to be satisfied. With a return to bad, may be I can have normal Even Year Januaries from now on. Then... then Thursday February 1st happened.

Guys. I'm pregnant.




I guess the universe is still trying to give me good things to make up for the big bad thing in 2012.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Six Years Gone- Watershed Wednesdays

Somehow it has been 6 years since the last day Blue Sunday and I were together.

Six. Years.

There was a time I didn't think I would survive 6 days, or 6 minutes for that matter. I very clearly remember laying in bed right after the diagnosis wishing time would pass in a literal flash. That I could somehow find myself some time ahead, where the pain wouldn't be so raw.

Here I am, not a flash (though sometimes it feels that way!). "Time heals all wounds" was clearly coined by an observer and not the wounded. Time has healed over the worst of the wound but the damage is deep. No one can see it but me I think.

Hub did mention Blue Sunday, in the obtuse way he does. I appreciated that. There is nothing worse than being the only one who remembers. Overall though, Blue Sunday's time, from Boxing day through the 4th of January passed with only me silently marking the days.

The trend of Watershed Wednesdays occurring on the first Wednesday of January every even year continued:

1/4/12- Termination day
1/8/14- Kin's was born!
1/6/16- MG was transfered
1/4/18- We almost lost our dog

It sounds less dramatic, but there were several hours where I thought we wold be putting down my dog Puck on Wednesday 1/4. She is a 13 year old lab who very suddenly declined. We brought her to the emergency vet and they found a tumor in her abdomen. We thought it was widespread cancer. Turns out she has Addison's disease which was causing her rapid weightloss and lethargy. We think the mass is benign but can't confirm until she is stable on her new medication.

Hub feels like we dodged a bullet. I feel like the universe decided that date has enough negatives already attached to it and we were given a break. Who knows- may be Blue Sunday played a role in getting this to turn out well for us. I like to think of him as a little guardian for our family.

Either way- here's to you my lost friend. Where ever you are, I hope it is comfortable and safe. You'll always be my first baby. And I'll always be your mom. I did my best for you, and I always will.

Our Christmas card this year had all three of my kids in it (in their own way):




The Ornament right above MG's is in honor of Blue Sunday. You can't see here but there are little blue birds on the arms of a woman looking up at the sky.



Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Goals 2017: Year End!

Quarterly Update #4

1) Take some time off from family planning and enjoy the family I’ve built.
Enjoy the wonderful kids (and hub!) I have.
Update 1-More or less. I have not really re-started my cycle (I had it once, when I had the stomach virus, but not since). I have mentioned trying again, again once or twice. Hub eventually suggested seeing a couples therapist.. so we’re pretty far apart in what we want additional kid wise:/
Update 2- I'm going to do this as of June, since I missed updating then. At that point, this was still a win. I FULLY enjoy the two kids I'm raising and trying not to focus on the one more I want. 
I want another baby. I am trying not to focus on it. I do know that I am in my fertile window. I didn't do an ovulation test. Partial win? I mentioned another baby to hub- he floated adoption. I'm excited about that.
Mostly a success :) We didn't TTC, we didn't go back to the clinic. But things are changing in 2018. Obviously more to come on that front. 

Final Verdict: DONE!!

2) Read 12 books. Any books. Enjoy them.
I’ve read 2 and am starting a third:
The Whistler
Apprentice in Death
Don't You Cry (slightly behind)
The Good Girl
Big Little Lies
Startup: A Novel
A Drink Before the War (on track)
The Body of Christopher Cross
A Man Called Ove (on track)
What Alice Forgot
The Wrong Mother
The Rooster Bar

Final Verdict: DONE!! (I also read 4 additional books on my ipad.. but they were really terrible YA books (that were free) so I'm not counting them)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago 3 years ago.
I HAVE been running fairly consistently, with Hub still in school I can really only run Thurs-Sun, and I’m not really in the shape to run 4 days in a row. I aim for 3 runs in 7 days, but have been getting 3 runs in 8. Not too bad. I should be on week 11 of a 10K app, so this is in reach
I was close. I ran it in 34 minutes. I know that isn't THAT close, but it's the fastest I've ever run a 5k. I have signed up for a 10k in October. So I am being consistent with running. That's more important than speed.
I ran a 5K in 31 minutes!! Closer and closer! It was part of a 10K- which I finished in 1:16 (even). Though that is a pretty terrible time given my first half, it is a full 3 minutes faster than I was 9 years, 3 rounds of IVF, 6 medicated cycles, 3 pregnancies and 2 kids ago! WIN 

Final Verdict: Not technically, but I've come a long way in running, so I'm OK with it. 

4) Pay down 30,000 in debt and keep up with other money goals (college savings, retirement etc)- we’re doing Dave Ramsey-ish. Working successfully so far.
Yes! I got a nice bonus and we’ve been really good with budgeting so we’re more than ½ way to goal 
This was done, but then we booked a cruise for  September. That will be paid before we leave so we should be good for the year
WIN 

We added more (0% interest)  debt, but it was for #5 below... and we are still down more than 30,000 in total debt. 

Final Verdict: DONE!!

5) Re-do the kitchen- at long last.
I REALLY hope this is this year, but I am waiting for a good price to sell some stock. All depends on the market.
We decided not to sell stock at the most recent opportunity. Will reassess next time. We don’t want to make the decision to sell and regret it. Clearly the kitchen is work-able- we’ve been in our home for 6 years.     
Once again considering selling stock and pulling the trigger on this project. To be determined.      
See above 

Drumroll--- in progress!!!!!!!!! We haven't started tearing things out but planning and purchasing is in progress. Tear out starts Sunday (after Kins' birthday party on Saturday). As an aside, we chose not the sell the stock. 

Final Verdict: In the works!

6) A few health goals: Lose 10 pounds, start yoga, keep up with vitamins, cut back on caffeine (down two 2 cups of tea and one other caffeinated item per day).
Big fail. I guess this needs to be my focus.
I did remember my vitamins though!
Working on it! I've been good with the gym, OK with the caffeine. 
Fail. 

Final Verdict: HUGE FAIL. HUGE. 2018 here I come 

7) Become involved in my community. How? TBD. 
This is still a question mark.. thinking about it though
I'm getting involved with stuff for kins. This is becoming my community involvement.
Harder than I thought.. Going to more community events, but not true involvement. 

I have gone to community events.. but I don't consider that a real win.

Final Verdict: Surprise Fail. 

Overall: This was a good year for goals. I failed in the 2 vaguest ones, so that's a good takeaway for next year. I'm very proud of sticking to reading (it is hard to carve out time with 2 little ones, and harder still to not just pick up the phone and play a game)

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Quarterly Update #3- Goals 2017

Quarterly Update #3

1) Take some time off from family planning and enjoy the family I’ve built.
Enjoy the wonderful kids (and hub!) I have.
Update 1-More or less. I have not really re-started my cycle (I had it once, when I had the stomach virus, but not since). I have mentioned trying again, again once or twice. Hub eventually suggested seeing a couples therapist.. so we’re pretty far apart in what we want additional kid wise:/
Update 2- I'm going to do this as of June, since I missed updating then. At that point, this was still a win. I FULLY enjoy the two kids I'm raising and trying not to focus on the one more I want. 
I want another baby. I am trying not to focus on it. I do know that I am in my fertile window. I didn't do an ovulation test. Partial win? I mentioned another baby to hub- he floated adoption. I'm excited about that.

2) Read 12 books. Any books. Enjoy them.
I’ve read 2 and am starting a third:
The Whistler
Apprentice in Death
Don't You Cry (slightly behind)
The Good Girl
Big Little Lies
Startup: A Novel
A Drink Before the War (on track)
The Body of Christopher Cross
A Man Called Ove (on track)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago 3 years ago.
I HAVE been running fairly consistently, with Hub still in school I can really only run Thurs-Sun, and I’m not really in the shape to run 4 days in a row. I aim for 3 runs in 7 days, but have been getting 3 runs in 8. Not too bad. I should be on week 11 of a 10K app, so this is in reach
I was close. I ran it in 34 minutes. I know that isn't THAT close, but it's the fastest I've ever run a 5k. I have signed up for a 10k in October. So I am being consistent with running. That's more important than speed.
I ran a 5K in 31 minutes!! Closer and closer! It was part of a 10K- which I finished in 1:16 (even). Though that is a pretty terrible time given my first half, it is a full 3 minutes faster than I was 9 years, 3 rounds of IVF, 6 medicated cycles, 3 pregnancies and 2 kids ago! WIN 

4) Pay down 30,000 in debt and keep up with other money goals (college savings, retirement etc)- we’re doing Dave Ramsey-ish. Working successfully so far.
Yes! I got a nice bonus and we’ve been really good with budgeting so we’re more than ½ way to goal 
This was done, but then we booked a cruise for  September. That will be paid before we leave so we should be good for the year
WIN 

5) Re-do the kitchen- at long last.
I REALLY hope this is this year, but I am waiting for a good price to sell some stock. All depends on the market.
We decided not to sell stock at the most recent opportunity. Will reassess next time. We don’t want to make the decision to sell and regret it. Clearly the kitchen is work-able- we’ve been in our home for 6 years.     
Once again considering selling stock and pulling the trigger on this project. To be determined.      
See above 

6) A few health goals: Lose 10 pounds, start yoga, keep up with vitamins, cut back on caffeine (down two 2 cups of tea and one other caffeinated item per day).
Big fail. I guess this needs to be my focus.
I did remember my vitamins though!
Working on it! I've been good with the gym, OK with the caffeine. 
Fail. 

7) Become involved in my community. How? TBD. 
This is still a question mark.. thinking about it though
I'm getting involved with stuff for kins. This is becoming my community involvement.
Harder than I thought.. Going to more community events, but not true involvement. 

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Updates Galore

Surya is ONE. Bonkers.



She is pure delight during the day. She is sweet. He favorite thing is to give kisses (mouth open, tongue out) then she makes a little kiss sound and giggles. Seriously. Cutest.

She loves baby dolls and stuffies. She yells for them when she sees them- and points (new skill! Single finger pointing)- she smiles and makes this ah-ah-ah sound when we give them to her and then kisses the (see above) and hugs them close- patting their back.

She breaks into the BIGGEST smile when she sees her people- especially Kins!

She started walking 9/23- her due date! She claps, waves, says dada, ‘At (cat), woof woof, UH (uh-oh) and mama. She does NOT sleep in her own room past 1am. She doesn’t like drinking out of any cup I have identified (unless it is an open cup that I hold for her ugh).

She is 20 lbs 12 oz, (UPDATE WITH HEIGHT). She is petite and adorable.


Kinsy started preschool! He goes 2 mornings a week for 4 hours. They do a little project every day, play outside, have lunch and snack, say the pledge of allegiance and play! When I ask Kins what he did at school he says "nothing". Good thing the teacher e-mails. 


He’s a big boy now- almost 4. Suddenly he is tall and slim (not my little butterball anymore) He loves legos and his family. He played his first team sport- court hockey. He improved every game (but the first one he spent crying in the stands so take that with a grain of salt). He talks up a storm, and has a wonderful vocabulary but he started stuttering last week. We're trying not to make a big deal out of it and if it doesn't resolve we'll take him to the doctor.  

I still want another baby. Hub is not in the mindset to make that decision. He's still dealing with depression and doesn't seem to know how to get out of it (doctor, workout) I know it is related to his brother passing- and having had "earned depression" when Blue Sunday was here and then not here- I get the urge to sit with it. I'm trying not to push him too hard. But he is very prickly- which is hard- and I am worried about him. 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

2 Years Ago, 2 Years From Now....

2 years ago today- I started meds for IVF cycle #1. The cycle that made MG.

It doesn’t feel that it could be that long ago- though it’s been a busy 2 years!

Hub and I have agreed to one more, one more try. I KNOW! I said I would leave it alone for a year, we made it 9 months. I’d like to cycle before year end 2016 (as I inch closer to 35 and AMA land). The plan for now is to start a buttload of vitamins, start  working out and cutting back caffeine. After our September vacation we’ll go back to the clinic and I will wean MG (whhhaaaaaa). Goal to cycle in November or early December. Assuming my ovaries haven’t checked out. My numbers could be bad enough that we don’t bother. I don’t have the drive for a third child to raise the way I did for a second. We won’t consider donor egg at this time (NOT because I view it as a less-than choice- mostly because the expense to us vs. the lack of expense for own egg IVF and the fear of non-genetic kid would feel less than his/her siblings).

If we are lucky enough to get a good embryo- the goal would be to transfer when MG is 2 ish- making us 2 years away from a potential bavby

A few questions for any vets of IVF after successful IVF:

Should I/ Did you pursue a second opinion? I have a few concerns- our 3rd IVF nothing fertilized (nothing was 4 eggs). At our next appointment our Doc mentioned that we would do ICSI for any future IVF cycles and that this would now be covered with insurance for cause. In the prior two cycles, we had- 4 of 8 mature fertilized in our first (with 2 unfert actually fertilized but with multiple sperm) and 4 retrieved ? mature 2 fertilized in our second (WHY didn’t I write the number of mature???). Was this always a fertilization in addition to everything else?

Male factor? Does failure to fertilize mean  male factor? Usually our embryos (the 7 we made) would fail after the day 3 call. I think I have heard that is male issue, but we are always blaming my shitty eggs.

I am going to try a bunch of supplements (most of which I don’t believe in to be honest) What have you tried? Anything work? I am still breastfeeding- so I want it to be safe (or start after weaning).


Has anyone tried IVF after success and decided to stop without conceiving again? I feel like once I start it’s hard to stop.. that makes me worried.