Monday, March 24, 2014

Vaccination, Termination, Determination

So Bub had his 2 month shots a few weeks ago (I meant to write then, but he keeps me so busy!). Here is my little man before, immediatly after and then a few hours later.

Poor baby has no idea he's about to be stuck

Angry Bird Band-aids for an angry baby

A walk at the local pond- he is in a stroller, though you can't tell

I thought may be he was just going to be tired for a few days. He slept for almost 4 hours after the shots. Granted we were in the car and on a walk (above) but he seemed content to sleep, a rarity. Once we got home, he even slept in his crib for a bit (a first! and an only, come to think of it...). Then evening came. This is the time he is usually fussy anyway, but that night he lost his baby mind. He cried and cried. He was fevered and upset. Hub got him to sleep for a brief bit, but this didn't last long:
He even looks like he feels lousy, poor little guy. His fever got to be 100.0 so I gave him some Tylenol. I was totally terrified after listening to this episode of This American Life, so I followed the doc's directions exactly. He had a very fitful night of sleep and by the next morning he hadn't slept more than an hour in a row and spent most of the night in bed with me. He was up way, way earlier than he usually is.
He spent the entire day Tuesday (day after the vax) crying. I am hardly exaggerating. I found myself thinking "This is awful, how can I do this time and time again". And then I thought about how awful it would have been if he was sick for a week, a month, forever.
There is something that is deeply altered within me. Pre-Blue Sunday me is not the same as Post- Blue Sunday me. There is a totally different alternate life I have to think about. In that life, I continued the pregnancy and Blue Sunday was born. Even if he lived only for a short amount of time, his entire life would have been of sickness. His. Entire. Life.
I could hardly handle 2 days of Bub feeling icky. Not even sick, no congestion, no cough, no rash. Just a little temperature (not even considered a fever by the pedi), 2 diapers of diarrhea and some crying. Nothing mom and dad snuggles, some Tylenol and a few days didn't fix. How could I have handled a child actually suffering and then dying?
After our first round of shots, I am even more determined to continue them to protect my sweet, healthy boy from the horrors that these vaccines can prevent against. Pertussis and measles are both going around in our area.  I can't imagine nursing my boy through those things. It would rip my soul out to see him suffer.
Thus, once again, I have been given just a little reminder of the life I didn't choose- I didn't choose it for myself, or for my child- and I still believe I made the right decision for us all.
Me and my baby- 10 weeks and 5 days

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Some days I miss Blue Sunday so much. Yesterday kins was just inconsolable- he gets like that sometimes. We just sit in the rocking chair that my grandma bought for my mom when I was born and sing. I sing anything that comes to mind- from rock-a-bye-baby to Going the Distance by Cake. I just need to know the opening line- I hate singing songs from the middle. One of the songs we sing is "Sweet Baby James"- Blue Sunday's song. I sang it endlessly when I was pregnant and after the loss it was what I put on to remember (as if I could forget). Kins' song is "Whenever I See Your Smiling Face" (with the change from "man like me" to "mom like me"). He prefers Sweet Baby James though (also Kodachrome- this baby has some excellent taste in music). I can't sing it to him without a twinge of sadness- I wonder what kind of baby Blue Sunday would have been- fussy like Kins? A good sleeper? Would he or she have looked like me? Kins is his daddy's clone- which is adorable- but I feel a little left out. 

Speaking of Kins. He is 8 weeks old. My little baby is slipping through my hands. I already miss him being small. He's gone from his take home weight of 6 pounds 10 ounces to over 10. Some of his newborn clothes still fit but others don't. Look at the change in his take home outfit!

To this!

Neither picture is very flattering haha. In the first I was a mom for 3 days, packing up to finally go home in torrential rains and had no idea that all that hand chewing was hungry baby :(. In the second- well I wanted him crying that he was going up so fast. With this little guy we're never more than 30 minutes from a crying fit. Just needed the camera ready when it happened. 

And here we are now... Rocking away. 

No shower in days. 
That handle behind Kins' head is the vacuum I haven't used in so long I won't put it in writing (but at least I brought it in from the porch.. There is hope!) 
My eyebrows are a disaster.
I just saw a CHRISTMAS decoration still up.

You know what? I'm happy. I don't care about all the other stuff. Because I have this wonderful baby. He could cry for the next 6 months and it won't be a fraction of the horror that these months 2 years ago were. 

Yes, I miss Blue Sunday, but my loss made this boy so much sweeter.