Thursday, August 16, 2012

CD 9 and getting excited

Update on Attempted Baby Making

Here I am on CD 9 (or 10 depending on how you count) I got my first "high" today, which is perfect. We've been Bding every other day for the week before I expected O. We BDed CD 5, 7 and should tonight.  We started with pre-seed this month as well.. which I like (and so does hub :) ) I only use one gram, I have heard it being too much if you follow the recommendations on the package, I imagine that is correct, I can't imagine 2 additional grams. (Cue-: Slip Slidin' Away). We are FOCUSED this month, but not so focused that we forget to have fun :) Unfortunately hub came home from Army with a nasty cold and a slight fever. I'm trying to ignore the worry that his swimmers are affected. 


We are focused this month because when hub came home from Army, aside from his cold, he brought bad news that he was missing our anniversary, our planned trip AND my next fertile cycle. I am pissed. Mostly at Army, at some other people who need their presence, and at him. Unfair? May be, but he told me in a really shitty way. If I was going to miss a pre-planned, important event because of work (not out of the realm of possibility) I would come home with that news, some yummy food (he can bring flowers) and say something like "I'm really sorry, but I found out today I have to be gone from X to X and I know I'm missing A, B and C. Plan a trip for next month, your choice, even if it is seeing that musical you want to see in NYC" NOT "I am going away again from X to X. It is a really cool mission though." For the record after I blew up, reminded him about our anniversary and stormed around for a while he apologized. I asked him which he preferred- me thinking he was an idiot and forgot our anniversary or me thinking he is unfeeling and didn't care that he was missing it. He chose idiot.   

Sorry I'm a whiner

*NOTE: I wrote this about a week ago- on CD4.. It is now CD9 and I still am feeling happy

I know I have had some serious whining in my last few posts. It seems to come in waves- this grief. It doesn't just wave by day but also, I've noticed, with my cycle. The last few days and then the first few days of every cycle I'm a wreck- then I feel much better. So yesterday and today have been good days. Hopefully, there'll be more of them.

Some Dork Rambling

I'm listening to Freakonomics Radio podcast called "The Economist's Guide to Parenting". Most of the podcast is outlining how little parents matter in places they want to matter- college attendance rates (depend on years of school the parent has attended, not on what you want them to do), income, feeding them organically etc etc. But they do matter in terms of smoking, drinking and child's happiness. And I just keep thinking- we could make a kid really, really happy.

Overall, the data shows that people with children are LESS happy than other people, controlling for other life factors. That is to say, if you take two people without kids and compare them to 2 people JUST LIKE THEM but childless, the ones with kids are less happy on average. The more settled you are in life (age, income, job, housing factors) the less it matters, but there is still a hit on happiness. They hypothesize the hit is because of the stress of parenting. But I wonder, who is happier, those without kids unwillingly, or those with kids. I can only imagine the ones who want kids are less happy- and interesting conundrum.

So I'll take at face value that people with kids are less happy than those without. I think on a deeper level they are probably happier overall- If you asked people when their kids are 20 or 30 or when they would have had 20 or 30 year-olds, I'd bet those with kids are happier- or more fulfilled or something (I'm sure there is a study, but I'm researched out from a school project) I might look into this one day. With little kids you're life is so full of hassles (diapers, no sleep, lessons, sports, school). But big picture, knowing you've developed a person- teach them to read, talk, ski, canoe, ride a bike-- how can that NOT make you, if not happy, then proud and fulfilled?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart


I know I've been a bad, bad blogger lately. I am Busy. Yes, with a capital B. I am in the midst of a two-week summer blitz of a class. So I'm working all day and then going to 3.5 hours of class starting at 6. Eating dinner in the car, not seeing my pets' faces at all. Hub was away for 2+ weeks and has been home for the last 4 days- we had an awesome day on Sunday at Ogunquit Beach, Maine, but otherwise I hardly see him. I am rather sure I wouldn't have seen him at all, but his vehicle is broken (forever?) and he is chauffeuring me around, to work, from work to class, to class and home.  Ironically, the class is on Stress. I know, right?
The class is actually about Stress as a Public Health Problem, but we talk about stress reduction methods that can be used by anyone. One of them, is one I should employ:
Step 1: Identify the Upsetting Situation Having hub tell me how "Hot and pretty" I am
Step 2: Identify Feelings I feel sad and babylost
Step 3: Identify Thoughts I know he is lying. I am a whale. I should have an excuse for this weight (a baby) but I don't. Thanks for reminding me.
Step 4: Challenge your Thoughts I guess we can deal with this later 
Step 5: Making a Decision/Action Plan Ditto

Perhaps this could even put an end to my once fun and now upsetting game of "They can have kids and I can't". Perhaps.

OPG= Shit List

In a meeting she revealed she is having a boy.
She is upset about it.
Hey! This will make you feel better, OPG: "Would you rather a dead girl or an alive boy?"
Bet you chose alive boy.

I didn't really say this, I did cry, but I don't think anyone noticed. Who looks at the Babylost lady when there is a pregnant beacon in the room?

I think I have finally put a finger on my growing despondency. I feel fat and gross, this reminds me that I've been pregnant and then depressed. That reminds me that I feel like shit so I eat shit. The vice versa of the old axiom- you eat what you are!

Turn around, every now and then
I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, every now and then
I get a  little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the Heart