Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Don't Blink

Where does time GO? Seriously.

5 years ago I was eagerly awaiting the coming of 2010- the year hub would come home from deployment- even though he had only left 3 weeks before.

4 years ago hub had been home for 3 weeks. We were celebrating our first set of holidays in our new house.

3 years ago I was living the nightmare. Only one day post amnio results.

2 years ago I was eager to start at the RE, just waiting for the new year to dawn.

1 year ago I was signing "Giant baby please come out" and wondering who was in there

Now- I am watching my son walk across the room to climb the stairs.

I had a cry for Blue Sunday last night. Yesterday I also cried for the little baby kins isn't anymore.

My little walker!

Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did

Kenny Chesney, Don't Blink

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Best Gift Ever

The truth is on the shirt. Can't beat this wonderful child. He will always be the best gift ever. 

Santa did bring some nice things too ;)

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Another One Down

BFN 2.

I actually tested this time- on day 29. I was 4 days late (though I didn't do OPKs this time, so it may not have been "late" just reacting to delayed Ovulation). I had a hope there for a minute of being one of those women who have an oops pregnancy after ART. This is not a cycle I wanted to conceive on, but it was still sad. It was made slightly better that I got my official invitation for being in the September wedding (the one I was delaying conception for) the evening I got the BFN. I would have been due less than 2 weeks before the ceremony.

I called and got my schedule of visits for the RE round 2.

Here we go again!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

RE Update

We had our appointment with the RE a week ago today. As always, our doctor was honest, straightforward and funny. He told me he wouldn't discuss anything until we showed him baby pictures. He joked about how there was no second-guessing bub's paternity.   He explained how he anticipated no changes in our baseline information from last time (just under 2 years ago now) but that the insurance required a complete re-do with the exception of genetic screening which we can skip and doing an SPG rather than an HSG (saline rather than dye).

He did caution us that though he expects the same overall result (pregnancy) we can't assume that we will have a first cycle pregnancy again. I know that.. I know I will be super disappointed when we don't get a first cycle positive.. but it isn't realistic.

We are planning on the exact same protocol after a month of testing. Just need AF to show up again, which should be in the next 2-5 days. Knowing my awesome luck and fantastic knack for coincidental dates I'm sure it will start on Monday- making day 3 (blood draw day) Wednesday and bub's first speech appointment. Which means unless I can get in REALLY early, I'll miss testing this month. 

RE did have another word of caution. The risk of twins goes from 2% to 8-12% for a clomid cycle. That is a 300%-500% increase. YIKES. It would have been hard to have twins when I was hoping for my first take home baby. I don't know how I would manage 3 under 2. That isn't even a saying it's so insane. I'm sure we would do just fine and I would rather 2 than 0, but I still am hoping to add to our family one at a time. 

I'll keep you posted!

So Baby Talk To Me

So I left you all hanging, I did have my reasons ;)

Did I update here that Kins waves now? He started the day before EI came out. Of course. That day he also started saying rarara with some frequency (usually to the cats, he waves and says rara to cats… so cute!). I was feeling pretty silly when I saw him doing those things knowing I had raised the alarm.  Had I not yet scheduled the assessment I might have put it off- which would have been wrong of me.

The Early Intervention appointment was a week ago today. It went as I expected it to when I was being honest with myself and not crazy. Kins is a rock star at a lot of things. He is very social (thank goodness). He turned when he was called, he smiled and waved at the 3 testers. He was so interested in them, and in our interaction with them. A lot of the questions they asked me they would ask and then say “I can see he does ____ (whatever they were asking about).” Before they had really set up one commented “He is SO social” That was a HUGE relief and I felt much better about the whole appointment from that moment on.

Kins is also very physical. He is ahead of age range in his fine and gross motor skills. He is curious and that gave him a very good score in his problem solving section- I had to laugh- Kins is a problem CREATER, not a solver. There was one really cute moment (there were lots, but one to share). The tester had a little toy dog that she played with and then put under a cloth napkin, asked where was the dog was and then pulled it off. She did this a few times and then pretended to hide the dog in the napkin again, actually hid it in her lab and told Kins to find it. While she was doing this, she told me kids his age don’t usually do this one well. He pulled off the napkin, looked for the toy, sat back down and looked all around himself, crawled off and looked at where he had been sitting. It was SO CUTE. The ladies were all excited, “oh he’s really looking for it!” 

All that aside, bub is REALLY quiet. Even with his new Rarara (which he did while they were there), he scored a 67 when the normal range is 85-115 and 77 qualifies for services. They largely feel that he’s behind because he is focused on other things. He has good receptive language, so we know that he learns and understands. There are issues though- (small I, issues)- he doesn’t mimic sounds or sticking out his tongue. He doesn’t have a wide range of noises in his sound dictionary. He doesn’t alter tone a heck of a lot. He doesn’t make sounds while playing- me makes them when he wants something. They will be working with him starting next week (this week the person assigned to us is on vacation). They seem confident that this is a single issue and nothing global or likely to be lingering long term. (Phew).

So I feel vindicated. EVERYONE in our lives told us nothing was off with him. I knew, I knew something was going on. I want to afford him every chance, every step-up in the world. THAT’S why I pushed.  He is the best thing I have ever experienced, if he NEVER speaks I will still feel that way.

Can you stand how cute he is!?  And that's an electric candle.. Just in case Soemone is concerned ;)

So Baby Talk To Me

Eurythmics, Here Comes the Rain Again

Monday, December 1, 2014


I just love Prince Harry. He seems like such a fun guy. When my US Weekly email came today it said something to the effect of "Prince Harry revels big secret" of course I clicked on the link. Turns out he has anxiety. Join the club, handsome. He is part of a movement to support World AIDS Day by reveling a secret about yourself with the hashtag feelnoshame. Honestly, I don't really understand twitter, so I thought I would share here.

I am terrified something is "wrong" with my precious kins. TERRIFIED.

He doesn't babble. He just doesn't.

He also doesn't clap or wave on command (Commands like Hi (we wave), or Bye (we wave),  or please baby for the love of your mother WAVE so I don't Lose. My. Shit (we wave desperately). Usually he laughs at us.

Obviously he doesn't talk since he isn't even babbling.

I have reached out to friends of mine who are SLPs and special education teachers. Everyone says they think he sounds fine. No one says "you're crazy stop worrying" (no one of any authority that this).

We called the pedi (royal we, I did it) the week before Thanksgiving and she put in a referral to the early intervention people. They called last Monday and came over the day before Thanksgiving for the intake.

Hub said he thought from the comments of the intake nurse that she thinks kins is fine. I didn't get that impression, but I let hub think that for the time being. Though she did say he was a smarty pants- twice. Anyway.They come over for the evaluation on Thursday morning. I can't breathe.

Kins is interactive, he answers to his name (and to kins, hahaha). He is a physical rock star- he takes a few steps to get from one object to another and he climbed up all 12 stairs Sunday (I'll tell you about that later). He has a mean pincer grip and feeds himself like a champ.

But he won't babble, He's not deaf or even hard of hearing.

#feelnoshame. I am terrified.

PS. I have mentioned the royal family A LOT on this blog. This is strange to me, I am really not much of a royal watcher.

Friday, November 28, 2014


I think it goes without saying what I am thankful for this year. I have a wonderful family, my little kins and my hub. They bring joy to every day.

My hair has food in it. I know I look awful, but bub is just so cute!

I am also thankful that I live in Massachusetts. We are gojng back to the RE and once again it was an easy process to get in and get seen. It is covered- by and large. This is an unfortunately uncommon luxury in the US. I have another medically based and thankful, but I'm going to skip it for now. Let's leave it at - being in a healthcare focused state means there are plenty of specialized providers and things happen very quickly when you need one. 

I am always thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I have te best people in my life. 

Finally, I am thankful for the internet. Without it I might have been desperately unstable at several points in my life. Deployment, baby loss, pregnancy. My "invisible friends" (as hub calls them) brought so much comfort. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Appointments and End Dates

I mentioned in a recent post that my cycle was crazy. I also have mentioned that I am in a wedding in September. These have combined to some baby-making decisions.

I spent a few hours sorting out (new) insurance, referrals (which in the end I didn’t need, though I was initially told I did) and called the RE.

I know that some of you are reading this probably think we're jumping the gun. Here is our reasoning: It took 15 months and clomid last time. We want 3 (hub) or 4 (me) kids.. time is not on our side with that timeline. If after each kid we waited until we were ready and then started trying for 15 months, succeeded and then had a 9 month pregnancy resulting in a live birth- I'd be about 50 when we got to 4. Clearly, that is not an option. On top of that, with my history of troubled pregnancies the more into AMA I have kids, the more likely I am to have things go wrong. Again.

I called the clinic we use (Boston IVF which is FANTASTIC if you’re in the area and are in need of an RE) and spoke with the person who is dedicated to answering “are you the place for me” type calls. We know we like it there, and we know we got great (adorable) results, but I didn’t know if they can see me. As it turns out, once you’re in, you’re in. We don’t have to wait another failed year of TTC. as mentioned above there was a bit of an insurance snafu, so that was a headache, but it was sorted out and I have an appointment a week from Wednesday 12/3. YIKES.

This is just a consult type appointment to set up testing, discuss options and have the doctor tell me what we already know. I need to stop BF before starting Clomid. The woman we called- the one who answers potential patient questions- told me as much. I’m SO torn about it. In the long run, this is the right decision for my family- new baby vs. extended BF. I want kins to have a sibling close in age. I don’t want to be BF kins more than a year or so anyway.. but I’ll miss it. I’ve stopped pumping at work (yay!!!) and kins definitely is cutting back in amount of time and quantity of milk he’s taking for his 2 remaining nursing sessions- morning and night. The night session will be HARD to drop, the morning he is self-weaning away from. With the examination cycle looming, I really need to stop BF sooner rather than later even though it seems like we have time. If nursing kins lingers longer than I am anticipating then I’m ok with that too- in the long run delaying a month or two isn’t the end of the world. He’s only going to be small for a little bit longer. I already miss my baby, I’m going to be losing another piece of his babyhood at the end of BF’ing.

 He's already grown so much!!!

We have no intention of starting Clomid until at least Mid-January and likely February. This wedding has allowed us to take 2 months off from TTC- this cycle and next, giving us a natural break before gearing up again. The way my cycle fell one moth would put the due date two weeks before the wedding and the other two weeks after. I wouldn’t hold off on family building for most people, but the bride is my best friend from college and I am the maid of honor. I am so, so excited and honored. I don’t have a sister, and the maid of honor from my wedding does- so I didn’t think I would get the chance to be the MOH. I love her, and I want her day to be the day of her dreams- and part of that was to have me there and in the wedding. I’m not risking being in labor for it. I have been honest that I might be as far as 34 weeks along and she’s fine with a beach ball being in her wedding ;) Fortunately, it’s on the beach- so I’d fit right in.

So that’s the update.  Exciting, a little sad and technically in a bit of a lull.

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
Taylor Swift, Never Grow Up

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Cycle One..


That isn't even true.. I didn't get to test. Positive OPK on day 17 (so O day 18/19), started on day 28. Why am I surprised?

Monday, November 10, 2014

#MicrobloggingMonday Wonderful Week

My parents are away and we've been juggling our child care. My in-laws watched him for the first week and half. Kins was sick, getting a tooth in, off-schedule and just generally unhappy. I assume he misses my parents and he really isn't used to my in-laws. It was a rough time.

Hub and I took off Wednesday-Tuesday (trough tomorrow) and is has been so fun! He is so, so different than when I was on maternity leave- which was the last time we've spent any significant time hanging around the house with him. He has (much to my relief) started babbling (better late than never!). He stands up, tries to balance without support, plays chase and with all his toys. He is just the best kid ever. I hope we have another :)

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Looking backwards- Timehop

This was published on Facebook 3 years ago yesterday. The first is from moments after our plane landed- the flight when I realized I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. That means 3 years ago today I peed on a stick... Positive. 

Apparently I was too tired and excited to spell correctly.
It's amazing what isn't posted in Facebook. Many of the biggest moments of my life passed without mention there. Promotions, hub leaving or coming home, BFNs, BFPs, fights with loved ones, births and deaths. Sometimes though, I can look back and see a wonderful event in pictures or text- or there is a day like the one above- where I can read my excitement and know what's behind it. 

The Second Time Around

TTC rainbow two is very different than TTC bub. I'm sure a lot if it is that this is the first month that there has been an effort made. I'm not disappointed yet, it is still fun and exciting. It is even easy to forget that we are trying again. I will say though that TTC with a 9-month-old, 2 full time jobs between us, school for hub, friends, family and a house to keep up with is NOT EASY. That's why we are just in our first month TTC, even though we said we were starting to try 2 months ago.

Who knows if it even has a chance of working. I am still BFing. 3 times a day on work days- morning and night with bub and one pump at work. When I'm not working at work, or it is the weekend, I tend to still BF on demand- 4 times already today at 4:30 (3 hours before bed time). Bub uses it as snuggle time.. and he's not a snuggly baby- so I use it to snuggle too.

CD13, and in the game this month.

Step by step
Day by day
A fresh start over
A different hand to play
Only time will tell
But you know what they say
We'll make it better
The second time around

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Isn’t it Nice to Be Home Again

(Editors note: clearly I wrote this several weeks ago...)

I am back from London and readjusted. It was a crazy trip. I traveled Wednesday leaving at 8am Boston time (meaning I was at the airport at 6, so up at 4). Poor kins. I had to wake him so hub could drive me to the airport. It was also his out as long as he was in date (ish- I might have been a day or two off)- so we took a picture:
And one of the family so I could look at it and sob on my travels.
Actually, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I missed my boys like crazy, but I was so busy and I knew kins was in good hands. I have a wonderful hub who has become a wonderful dad. Plus my parents watched him on weekdays as normal. I did cry at the airport saying bye to him, didn’t help that he started crying when I put him back in his car seat.
I landed at 7 local time and after getting to the hotel and settling in I had dinner and pints with one of my vendors, who is a super nice guy with a 4 year old at home. We talked about kids, sports and work- it was a really nice dinner considering he was a stranger.
We got a baby cam for kins' room and I was able to peek in on kins and hub getting ready for bed, and kins sleeping. It was adorable, most of the time. The first night hub let kins cry for a bit to see if he would put himself to sleep- he did. He wasn’t sobbing, mostly just a fussy cry, but it was REALLY hard for me, watching from London. Then he did the same the next 2 nights. I now seem to have a baby who (mostly) sleeps through the night.
Can you believe it? 9.5 months and he had slept through the night once for me, and 4 times for other people- AKA EVERY time I haven’t been with him overnight. Clearly, it’s me. The night I came home (Saturday) it was already WAY past his bedtime, so he went right to sleep and slept through. The next night he woke once at 2am, starving. He always falls asleep when I BF him.. I think it puts him out before he is full and so he wakes again hungry, only to be BFed to sleep. Vicious cycle. Monday night I filled him up with solids, puffs and the BF, and he slept from 7:30-6:15!!!! AH-MAZE-ING.
Speaking of 9.5 months… I am clearly behind on my 9 month kins date. It’s coming. For some reason blogger stopped uploading pictures from anything but my phone. It’s really annoying and makes my posts few and far between.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Leaving on a Jet Plane #microbloggingMonday


On Wednesday morning I leave for 4 days in London! I am working Thursday and Friday, but should get in some sight-seeing on Wednesday and Saturday. I would be so excited, but I am leaving my boys home :( I have only been away from kins 2 nights, (1 night away twice) both within a few hours drive and only for about 24 hours. Of course, this trip comes just as he's getting really upset when I leave- for work, for the bathroom. AND I was just home sick all but Monday of last week-8 of the last 9 days we were hanging out.

It's going to be odd to be away from Hub, too. We're used to spending time apart- it was as recently as this blog started that we had been apart for more of our relationship than together. I had been teasing him for saying he would miss me when I'm gone for "so long". We realized in the course of that conversation that since he got out of the Army in November 2013, he's only been away one night at a time a handful of times (for work).

Again, I marvel at what a difference a year can make.

Also, kins is sick, thanks to me. Look at these sad eyes :(

He's still cute though:

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

They Say You Can Never Go Home Again

I want to come back here. It feels odd, knowing this is being read by people I see often in my off-line life. But this is part of my life, too. It's an outlet, a creative space and something that I have made contacts through. Some of those contacts are friends. Even if we haven't met I value them (you). I don't want to leave this community.

I got a message yesterday from someone thanking me for a post. She is facing termination for T18. It was apropos, as I was debating with myself what do do here. It sealed my decision. 

This space will Change, but not disappear. I am slowly reactivating old posts- after proof-reading them. It's difficult to say the least. I am re-reading to remove information about people in my "real" life. That requires a re-read of everything though, and it is not fun to look back on many of my thought and feelings in the last almost-two years.  These were the darkest time of my life, and the best times too.

I can't promise at this point that I'll be here often, or what the content will be. But I invite you to stay on, to read through the happier side of this journey of mine.

If you know me, I will not ask you to leave, I won't even ask you to tell me you're reading (though I think you should). What I do ask is that you read some of the old posts, if you haven't already. I think the reminder of the anguish that was will make the occasional negative emotions expressed here make more sense. I also ask that you remember this is the place I come to vent the negative. This is the place where I feel comfortable doing that.

Here is a sampling of the ones I think are the most important to look back on:

The diagnosis, part one and part two
A few peeks at the sadness
and then infertility
pregnant at last, and the drama of that

Monday, September 22, 2014

We've come to the end of the road

Though I can't let go. 

This blog is no longer an anonymous space. 

This means several, important things. 

First, I have hurt someone (or several someones... I don't know that it is just one person or multiple people) that I care about deeply.  That was never, ever my intention. This space was so that I could say what I feel without hurting people. Getting my nasty, hurt, jealous feelings out so that the other kind, normal feelings could be the ones I air publicly. Just to say one thing so it is clear for anyone reading this: there aren't feelings that are more or less true. If I say one thing here and another to your face it doesn't mean one is a lie. My feelings, particularly around pregnancy are very, very complicated. Unless my story is like something you've gone through, I don't know that you can understand. 

That leads to the second thing. 

This can never happen again. I didn't sleep last night (after I was informed Soemone was reading my blog).  I have major GI distress and feel 9 weeks pregnant in terms of brutal nausea/vomiting. I almost had to pull over driving to work. (And I know I am not pregnant, unfortunately). Here is how it's going to be from now on:

I'm sure some of you noticed that the blog was set to private for some time. To publish this message, I'm setting ALL prior posts to draft.. This will be the only post on the blog. If you want access, please comment or email me. I ask that you be on your honor that you 1) don't know me in real life or 2) I do know you but I've known you read the blog (I think this is only my AWC ladies). 

Before the blog RE-debuts as a private blog, I will be going though and removing any mention to anyone aside from me, hub, Blue Sunday and bub. I know this will change the blog- a lot of my musings here were how I was trying to relate to the non-loss world. Unfortunately, I forgot that the internet is not actually anonymous and getting caught is not worth the relief of airing non-PC feelings. 

Again, Please, email me if you want access. It's something I never did when blogs I read went anonymous, but do as I say not as I do. 

For those that don't follow me: this blog saved my sanity. It was a place I could say things I wouldn't tell another soul. It was the place I could still cry over my Blue Sunday long after it was acceptable to the outside world. It was a place that I could be upset over the ease that everyone else (it seems) sails though pregnancy. Until yesterday, I would have credited it will Saving friendships. Thank you for ~35,000 views, 100s of email exchanges, 20 followers and 3 years of venting. 

Love you, Lizzy. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

#microblogMondays 1: Time Keeps on Slipping

Fall is upon us here in New England. Last Saturday I spent the day at the almost-beach-house (.5 miles from the ocean) of a friend on mine, sweltering in the beach. This week we were in fleeces and jeans at Ray's baby girl's birthday party. Time is flying! This baby boy is 8 months old now, after all.
I am excited for the cooler, snuggle up at home weather and, for the first time in 5 years, for the holidays! Amazing how different life can be in just 1 year. 

Please check out stirup-queens for all the # microblogmondays details!

Friday, September 5, 2014

End of an Era

I have left my old job and started a new one. I was quite emotional as I walked out if my building for the final time the Thursday before Labor Day. It was in the three plus years I spent there when nearly all if my family-building journey (thus far) occurred.

In my first office on the second floor I worked very late one evening so I could leave the following morning on a trip to California. On that flight, I realized I was pregnant. Suddenly, my extreme tiredness and the way I was so aware of the smell of the old files made sense. The smell if that paper makes me think of Blue Sunday still. 

A few weeks later, in the second floor bathroom I came out if the second stall and slipped down the two steps that someone Foolishly put there (it is a pre-civil war building.. So who knows why). I panicked and ended up with serial betas.. Which were wonky. 

Same bathroom different stall was the week 10 spotting incident. From my office I called the doc crying and earned my first peek at Blue Sunday. 

Office move. I kept a post-it under my keyboard with important pregnancy dates. I threw it away the one day I was in between receiving odds and diagnosis. I knew. I spent one full morning googling T18 odds and ultrasound findings. Went to the bathroom on the third floor, second stall and got the call "I'm sorry, this is a T18 baby". Never went into that stall again. 

Office move again a few months later- much to my relief. Upstairs, new start and new drama. IF starts to make itself known. While I was upstairs, the third floor office I was in for the diagnosis is turned into the "war room" prepping a study for final analysis. Fittingly, drug fails. Deep down, I blame the karma of that room (it's now storage- full of baggage literally and figuratively). One month after the drug fails, I'm pregnant. 

Positive beta is relayed to me on the phone I answered while stepping out of our big conference room- located on the second floor. I took that call 5 feet away from the entrance to my first office. The office where I felt hopeful and happy with Blue Sunday. 

Outside of our other conference room, this one on the fourth floor, I took another call I had to leave a meeting for. This one told me Take Two (kins) was chromosomally normal. I walked back into that meeting a different person. 

10 months later I walked back into that office- a real mother with a three month old at home. 

It isn't hyperbole to say some of my very best and worst moments happened in that building and with that company. There were professional highs and lows there as well- some of my best friends and most important colleagues I met there- but it is the personal that really left it's mark. 

I hope my next company is far less dramatic for my personal life!

I'm closing one door, opening another- but that place and it's memories won't be far from my thoughts. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

I Can Feel It Coming In the Air Tonight

Hold On....

This is an all-good-news-post, though I am feeling a little out-of-sorts. That can be its own post.

That job that I mentionedSo I got it! It is a good step for me. I'll be back in a management position, though managing vendors, not direct reports. 3 years ago I took a step down position in title (I had been managing up to 7 people previously and went on to manage none) to take on a role that would provide much more varied knowledge within my field. I was very pigeon-holed in my old job, and in my current one I was in a small company and did A LOT. Now, I'm going back to managing. The best part is, it is with my old boss, who I loved. The job is a little closer to home and I can work from home two days a week. That should be great for me AND for Kins.

Hub and I made the official call to start TTCing again! My new job starts the Tuesday after Labor day and I feel confident that it is a good fit. With that in mind, I think I'll be there for the next several years so I won't feel so skeevy taking a maternity leave not-so-long-(hopefully) into the new job. I am reasonably sure we decided too late this month to get pregnant, but we did "try" once. I'm not even counting this as a cycle we attempted. My next cycle is supposed to start September 1st- our anniversary- then we'll see!

With that in mind, one of my very best friends got engaged! This is an addition to another close friend who got engaged last month. I now have weddings in August or October (depending on location) 2015 and February 2016. This means I have to TTC with consideration. I am not willing to miss the weddings- though I should hope the 2016 one won't be a problem.. but stranger things have happened. The first wedding is one I think I will be IN. So there is that to think about.

A friend of mine I know from Military life  messaged me out of the blue a few days ago to let me know she and he husband are expecting at long last! (I am reasonably sure she reads this.. so Hi! and CONGRATS). I couldn't be happier for them and actually cried when I read the news. Her facebook announcement was super cute and accompanied with James Taylor's "How Sweet it is (to be Loved by You)". She wanted to give me the heads up, know that James Taylor is associated with Blue Sunday for me. I was really, really touched that she was so considerate... especially in light of what one of my best friends on the planet did and said recently.. but that's for another post. 

Exciting, good, scary stuff ahead! Hold On!

I Can Feel It Coming In the Air Tonight
Hold On.. Hold On
Phil Collins, In the Air Tonight

Thursday, August 7, 2014

It's Right on Time

Seriously, what are the odds?

Way back before Blue Sunday, my cycle was always 28 days exactly. No spotting, no cramps, no real PMS to speak of. After Blue Sunday, it was 15 cycles of randomness. 24 days, 32 days, 5 days of spotting, check, check, check.

Now, after a baby and while still breastfeeding I am exactly on time. 28 days after my first cycle, cycle 2 showed up. No spotting, no crazy symptoms.

Dare I say out-loud that may be, just may be, I won't have 15 cycles of hell this TTC round?

In slightly related news, the interview went well on Tuesday. I have a second round this coming Tuesday. Per my old (soon to be new-again?) boss all feedback was positive. YAY! May be I will hear before next week and TTC will start THIS MONTH?! Is that terrible form? Probably, right? Showing up minutes pregnant starting a new job?

Just for the record, my last cycle started 8/23 with Blue Sunday and my EDD was 5/31. These dates would be rather close- 8/3 with an EDD of 5/11. I know this upsets a lot of people, but where Bub is 4 days after my tx date, it would be nice to have some link to Blue Sunday with Bub's Little too.

Look at me all hopeful and smug.
And there it is, the Crazy is back.

It's right on time
It's right on time
It's right on time
Red Hot Chili Peppers, It's Right on Time

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Memories of You

I am sick.

My annual summer cold has chosen this week, the week I have a HUGE deadline and an interview at a company I REALLY want to work for, to rear its ugly head.

Hub took Bub to church and brunch with our friends (JAM) but I couldn't fall back asleep so I am here on the couch watching Scandal, drinking tea and blogging. Not a bad morning, but man does my head hurt.

Before the blogging, I started playing a game on my phone called Drop 7. I played it often a few years back, when I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. That flight over the country when I realized I was pregnant Hub and I both played on our phones- trying to beat each others high score with me the whole time thinking of our little baby-to-(never)-be.

I could remember the feeling exactly. I don't know if it was because it was my first baby, or because the loss was so great, but I never feel that way thinking of bub's realization moment. May be it's just that there are so many more wonderful moments with him that come and go every day.

Should I get this job I'm interviewing for on Tuesday (eeek), I think hub and I will begin trying again. September was the month Blue Sunday was conceived- our anniversary month. I'm not sure how I feel about that.. though odds of me conceiving the first cycle are laughably low.

We have talked over a TTC plan- new job being secure is a prerequisite- we'll start once I'm in a new position (hopefully September) and try until November- then try a clomid cycle in December. I don't want another mid-winter birth if I can avoid it.

This time TTC is very different. This is the baby that wouldn't have been if Blue Sunday hadn't been lost. It makes it a strange feeling. I'm not ready to articulate it quite yet, but it is an odd feeling to try for a baby I would have been actively preventing had things been different.

Everywhere- there are Pieces of Blue Sunday.

Here and there, everywhere
Scenes that we once knew
And they all just recall
Memories of you

Frank Sinatra, Memories of You

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

6 Months of The Littlest


Bub is now SIX (!!) months old. Where has time gone? He's almost 28 weeks. I can't believe he's been in my life so long, and then, how short a time it really has been.

Kins at 6 months

Cutest kid ever, right? (your own excluded :) )
For reference, Liam at 2 weeks!

What we call him/ Growth update- I have been calling him "The Littlest" and "Small Son" most recently. He is still just a little man in terms of weight. He weighed 16.5lbs at his 6 month appointment, gaining 2 pounds and 2 inches since his 4 month. This puts him right about the 25th percentile. At the 4 month appointment they were concerned about his head circumference and length by proxy. He has always been long and lean, (about the 75% for length) but he was slightly off his curve. Length and head circumference are closely linked, I wouldn't worry about length (we're short) but head made me scared. Pedi said they weren't concerned and on track weight and off-track length usually means the baby is in a growth spurt and they just saw them right before he grew. Turns out the pedi was right! Phew. Kins is back on his curve :)

Joys- Kins he is just The Best. He remains a happy, smiley little babe. He still loves the bath and the pool is growing on him. He really hates being cold, and the water in the pool is still chilly.
Mama, I don't know about this

He loves bananas and sweet potatoes and even rice cereal. He HATES peas and carrots. He will tolerate carrots and green beans. So far we have made all of our own baby food, we'll see how long it lasts. 

He is starting to get ready to crawl, he brings he knees up under him and rock back and forth. To move forward, he flings himself forward as he rocks. It is so funny. 

The best part? He started (mostly) sleeping through the night! He sometimes gets up around 3 hours after he goes to bed and usually goes back down with a snuggle. He's usually up about 5:30 to eat, get kisses and a diaper change. Just recently he's started to go back to bed after :)

Challenges- None? He really is wonderful. I guess one challenge is I miss him like crazy when I'm at work. For something real (ish) please see above where I talk about how he hates veggies.

Developments-Baby boy is on the move! He can roll to where he wants to go, he is about to crawl (see above). He can sit up for long periods of time, provided I sit him up. He makes "mamama" and "babba" baby sounds. I know they are not associated with anything, but it makes me happy anyway.

General- Though I was adamant he wouldn't watch TV, we do occasionally put it on for background noise. He perks right up (and stops fussing!) for music and kid voices, so sometimes we watch Dinosaur Train together. It's a pretty great show.

So spoiler... we got Kins baptized. This will be its own post

Please excuse the HORRIBLE kitchen.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Come on Ride the Train

Come on Ride the Train, the crazy train that is.

My period came back.

I was- am- psyched. I really want to be back to myself and part of myself is having a cycle. Also, it's great to know I didn't have to 100% wean to start again. But.. there is always a but with me...

This puts me back into the TTC cyclone.

I'm not really ready to start TTC again: I have another 5-10 pounds I'd like to lose, I think 15 months apart is a little close for my liking between kins and his little,  I'd really like to have a summer baby. Not to mention I am currently in a job search (yay!) and I'd really hate to be out on maternity leave after less than a year on the job (and technically they don't have to hold my job OR pay me if that is the case).

Here I am, planning like I'll conceive on the first try. This thinking caused SO much pain over the past 3 years. You have to think this way though, right? When you aren't exactly sure you're ready to be pregnant, you have to really contemplate it actually happening on the first try and see the ramifications. I don't think it will cause any real problems, just minor annoyances that will be VASTLY overshadowed by the joy of pregnancy.

So here we are Not Trying, Not Preventing (NTNP). 15 months after my last cycle, which was 15 months after letting Blue Sunday fly. The numeric coincidences I've found on this journey are staggering sometimes. It is amazing how much faster these last 15 months went by as compared to the 15 that came before. Even the terror of pregnancy, peaking here, was so much easier than the first dark months after loss and the last few months where hopelessness sunk in.

With my wonderful little guy, I feel like even another 15 months of BFNs will be more bearable.

Secretly, I am hoping the absolute relief I feel having become a mom relaxes my mind and body enough to have an unmediated conception (not to mention the 10 pounds I've lost (and 5 more are off my body and just in my boobs!). There is so much less pressure, though that could be pressure unto itself in my warped mind.

Here I am CD10. Remember those coincidences I mentioned above? There is one more.

11 days ago, CD-1, I saw this:

On CD -1 15 months ago, there was this:

Come on, ride the train
Woo woo, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
It's the Choo Choo, ride it, woo woo

Quad City DJs- C'mon Ride the Train

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Praise You

Last week's This American Life is killing me a little. It was a show called “Is That What I Look Like” and the last story is with Molly Ringwald and her daughter, Matilda, as they watch The Breakfast Club together. In one section Matilda identifies with the character whose parents push him to do well in school. This surprises Molly who gets emotional (they both do). Eventually it comes out that Matilda resists homework and when she does Molly tells her daughter that she could do better and that Molly wishes she did better in school herself.  

In terms of parental pressure, this is nothing compared to what I’ve had. Yes, her daughter is 10, but when I was 10 I knew that my parents didn’t get to go as far in school as they would have liked due to financial issues. My dad left school after grade 6. Grade 6. I am about to get my Master’s. I knew then and now that I was given a gifted mind and the lifestyle to achieve the education I desired. There was pressure, internally and externally to do well. Very well. My parents didn't push it, but I was aware. I feel this made me the person I am today. Hub’s mom was tough on him. She forced him to spend summers learning flashcards, not letting him up until he could go through the pack flawlessly. He rebelled, as you can imagine. I was hoping to walk a fine line with Kins: encourage but not force,  push just hard enough, inspire natural curiosity without everything being about education (though really, it all IS about education).

Hearing this story though, such a little thing has caused this little girl to feel pressured. Matilda mentions that Molly doesn’t do it anymore, and Molly confesses that it’s because she no longer does homework with Matilda. Parenting is so hard.

Then at the end, another exchange to mull over. Molly's brother died, before Molly was born. Her mother was devastated and was potentially suicidal, thought never "tried anything". He was her first child. Her mom believes that she conversed with a spirit and she was told she was alive for another purpose. When Molly was born, she knew it was for Molly.

This was a story that Molly heard all of her life. As she relates the story, Ira Glass, the host, says "That's a lot to put on you" and Molly sighs emphatically "Yeah, it's heavy- really heavy".

She was the reason her mother had to stay alive.
She was the joy in her mother's life.

She was the rainbow baby.

Is this in and of itself a burden to Kins?

Ira Says: "You know, you just can never know what things that you say to your kids are going to stay with them. You know, just little things said in a passing moment, that are going to bounce around in their heads and lead them to conclusions that you don't intend or expect in anyway."

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

Fatboy Slim, Praise You

Saturday, May 31, 2014

EBD- 2 years

So here we are again, the end of May, 5/31/14.

Blue Sunday's EBD (estimated birthday). I went back and read my posts from the last 2 May 31st.Heavy reading. I cried. A lot.

Some parts still ring true:

I hope my Blue Sunday knew the depth of my love. If there is anything after this life I hope that I will be forgiven by my baby, I do hope Blue Sunday would understand and would have wanted to be spared a horribly flawed life on earth. I wish I had a way of knowing.
5/31/12 (EDD)

Always, always that's my mind-state: full of love, full of hope for understanding. Blue Sunday is never far from my mind. I am always aware of what I am missing. In some ways this is especially true now that Liam is here. It is easier, now that I am a mom and I have my son to love, but I didn't expect to fall SO in love. I didn't expect to delight in every noise, smile, new skill and playful moment like I do. I now know what I missed with Blue Sunday- what I would have always missed.

I was startled to read so many references to Blue Sunday as "him". I always referred to him as male and I know and remember that, but now Liam is my "him". That is one of the blessings for me in not finding out the sex, I can imagine and have my hunch, but Liam's birth wasn't a disappointment either way. I could never feel relief or fear that he is a him and not a her. There are many women who want their rainbow to be the same gender of their lost child, and just as many who want the opposite. I like never really knowing (but I did spend a lot of time imagining time with Blue Sunday as a boy).

I don't know that I feel that way anymore- lost, alone and godless.
 5/31/13 EBD 1

Here, I was reflecting on the way I felt in the very first days post-loss. I can say I surely don't feel that way anymore. My life is full again, there is light, there is hope. I can't say I'm back into a religious state of grace. I have a very hard time with the language of loss through faith: "everything is in god's plan, god doesn't give you want you can't handle, god recalled your angel, Blue Sunday was a test of your faith. god only gives special kids to special people). I guess it could be because I "failed the test" in the eyes of people that say such things, especially the last one. I refused my "gift" of a special child? That said, I'm back on the road. Liam is being baptized in a few weeks. That's saying something.

The last two 5/31s were significant in the road to Liam as well. On my EDD I was one day away from my first SHG (which I wrongly referred to as an HSG). I just knew pregnancy wasn't going to be easy to achieve. I was feeling desperate and 11 months from conception. Last year, on Blue Sundays estimated first birthday, I was measuring 9 weeks along and had an ultrasound in the same room I had the diagnostic amnio for Blue Sunday. I wrote:

Take Two is fantastic. Already more active than Blue Sunday ever was (I remember for the NT scan, he just laid there, like he was sleeping, for the whole scan). We laughed as miniscule arms and legs wiggled away. She looks like a teddy bear! Baby has grown 14 days in only 11. I am measuring 9 weeks exactly. Heartrate is now up to 174.

All signs point to Blue Sunday's Little being on the way.
5/31/13 EBD 1

Take Two is fantastic, he was on his way, he is active, advanced and so, so wonderful. 

I am both heartbroken and so full of love. I'll live with this dichotomy forever.  I'll always have a lost baby, but I will always enjoy the one I have.

Happy SECOND EBD, Blue Sunday!

I still love you. Always and Forever.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Colors That I Can't Change

*I still have a backlog of posts. I’m working on them.

I was killing time in the pump room at work (which I call the Dairy). I could be working, but I am afraid to drip milk on my computer or paperwork and I find it hard to concentrate anyway. My twice a day routine is the first part of pumping I go through some e-mails, the second part I take a bit of a mental break. I started a book on Snapfish of photos of my pregnancy with Bub.

It is making me feel so many things.

Yep. This silly little book is giving me anxiety.

First, I named it “The Road to Bub”. Then it is filled with these happy, smiling selfies of me (note to pregnant ladies, have someone else snap more than just one boring, posed picture of you a week!) It feels so disingenuous. The road to Bub lasted 3 years, not 9 months. Most of that time was not spent smiling and happily gaining inches.

Second, I still haven’t mustered the courage to create Blue Sunday’s book. I have some wonderful mementos. The ultrasound pictures I had of Blue Sunday are much better than the ones I got of Bub (bugger was always head down with his hands on his face). I have the sympathy cards photographed, and the flowers I was sent, even pictures of the outfits I bought. But I tear up even looking at the box the things are kept in, and I haven’t opened the folder of Blue Sunday pregnancy pictures in months.

Lastly, I’m just not sure how in detail to get. I like telling the story through the pictures. They now allow big text boxes so I have some leeway in doing that but it’s hard. How in detail do I get. There is a lot of fear, pain and memories in those pictures: rows of pee sticks from testing out the trigger,  the ultrasound from when we were (wrongly) told our baby had Down Syndrome, the bittersweet days I was more pregnant than ever.

I know it doesn’t really matter- but things get sensitive for me in May- as I am now approaching Blue Sunday’s should have been 2nd birthday.

Where is the time going?

Written on these walls are the colors that I can't change
Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage
One Direction, The Story of My Life