Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Colors That I Can't Change

*I still have a backlog of posts. I’m working on them.

I was killing time in the pump room at work (which I call the Dairy). I could be working, but I am afraid to drip milk on my computer or paperwork and I find it hard to concentrate anyway. My twice a day routine is the first part of pumping I go through some e-mails, the second part I take a bit of a mental break. I started a book on Snapfish of photos of my pregnancy with Bub.

It is making me feel so many things.

Yep. This silly little book is giving me anxiety.

First, I named it “The Road to Bub”. Then it is filled with these happy, smiling selfies of me (note to pregnant ladies, have someone else snap more than just one boring, posed picture of you a week!) It feels so disingenuous. The road to Bub lasted 3 years, not 9 months. Most of that time was not spent smiling and happily gaining inches.

Second, I still haven’t mustered the courage to create Blue Sunday’s book. I have some wonderful mementos. The ultrasound pictures I had of Blue Sunday are much better than the ones I got of Bub (bugger was always head down with his hands on his face). I have the sympathy cards photographed, and the flowers I was sent, even pictures of the outfits I bought. But I tear up even looking at the box the things are kept in, and I haven’t opened the folder of Blue Sunday pregnancy pictures in months.

Lastly, I’m just not sure how in detail to get. I like telling the story through the pictures. They now allow big text boxes so I have some leeway in doing that but it’s hard. How in detail do I get. There is a lot of fear, pain and memories in those pictures: rows of pee sticks from testing out the trigger,  the ultrasound from when we were (wrongly) told our baby had Down Syndrome, the bittersweet days I was more pregnant than ever.

I know it doesn’t really matter- but things get sensitive for me in May- as I am now approaching Blue Sunday’s should have been 2nd birthday.

Where is the time going?

Written on these walls are the colors that I can't change
Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage
One Direction, The Story of My Life

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