You are not alone- in struggling with the feeling that infertility is a punishment.
I sometimes feel like my infertility is a punishment.
I know that this is not a unique feeling.
It is one we as a community need to let go of.
Religious or not, Spiritual or not, there are very few people who truly believe infertility is a punishment (probably the Westboro Baptist Church does, and internet trolls and a whole host of other unsavory characters). That said, there are more than a few of us who tell ourselves, at one time or another, "this happening to me because ______"
Because I said I never wanted children
Because I was horrible to my own parents
Because I had an abortion
Because I said I only wanted a girl/ a boy/ a red-head/ an athlete)
Because I am devoted to my career/ my family/ my spouse/ my pets/ my workout/ my whatever
Because I don't have a house/ enough money/ an education
Because I did drugs
Because I used birth control
Whatever your "thing" is, it is not a reason for you to be punished. Barring actual, physical issues that may have resulted from some of the non-exhaustive list above Infertility just happens. (And if, for example, your lady parts were damaged by some previous action, it's still not a punishment, it's a side-effect and a bad-luck result)
You did nothing to deserve the heartbreak of infertility.
This is hard to remember though, right? Asking "why me" and coming up with something is human.
I think it helps to remember though, it's the same instinct that makes people believe that the worst can't happen. And they are wrong, too. unfortunately. It is rare to hear someone say "I knew I was going to have _____ happen to me." With the blank being some awful thing: major illness, fire, divorce, homelessness, baby loss. Infertility.
Even worse, other people experience something terrible in their circle and think "well, they were the one, so I'm not going to be". (I know that isn't just me).
You know what? I like myself. I think I'm a good person. I donate my time and money to people who need it. I will drop anything for someone who needs me. I devoted my career to supporting research for some awful conditions (currently one that presents in young kids and tragically is fatal right around legal drinking age). I think I'm a good mom, friend, spouse and daughter. Have I made mistakes, obviously. Am I perfect, of course not. What did all this get me?
A diagnosis of a fatal birth defect in my first
I wracked my brain to come up with a reason. There was no medical cause other than the dreaded "fluke".
My friend had just lost her daughter at 20 weeks pregnant, how could two of us have horrible, rare pregnancies months apart? There goes "she was the one, so I won't be".
At least, I thought, that was my big, bad, awful event. And then?
As month after month passed trying to conceive baby number 2 (take home #1) I kept coming back to "I am being punished with this for terminating" and "Blue Sunday was my one shot at a child". Some might believe that, I don't.
I don't believe any of you deserve the crappy lot of infertility or loss or whatever big, bad, awful event is your reality. ALL of us have something, and if you don't now, you will. That's the way life goes.
So, you blame yourself for your infertility? You're not alone, but you are wrong.