Monday, March 24, 2014

Vaccination, Termination, Determination

So Bub had his 2 month shots a few weeks ago (I meant to write then, but he keeps me so busy!). Here is my little man before, immediatly after and then a few hours later.

Poor baby has no idea he's about to be stuck

Angry Bird Band-aids for an angry baby

A walk at the local pond- he is in a stroller, though you can't tell

I thought may be he was just going to be tired for a few days. He slept for almost 4 hours after the shots. Granted we were in the car and on a walk (above) but he seemed content to sleep, a rarity. Once we got home, he even slept in his crib for a bit (a first! and an only, come to think of it...). Then evening came. This is the time he is usually fussy anyway, but that night he lost his baby mind. He cried and cried. He was fevered and upset. Hub got him to sleep for a brief bit, but this didn't last long:
He even looks like he feels lousy, poor little guy. His fever got to be 100.0 so I gave him some Tylenol. I was totally terrified after listening to this episode of This American Life, so I followed the doc's directions exactly. He had a very fitful night of sleep and by the next morning he hadn't slept more than an hour in a row and spent most of the night in bed with me. He was up way, way earlier than he usually is.
He spent the entire day Tuesday (day after the vax) crying. I am hardly exaggerating. I found myself thinking "This is awful, how can I do this time and time again". And then I thought about how awful it would have been if he was sick for a week, a month, forever.
There is something that is deeply altered within me. Pre-Blue Sunday me is not the same as Post- Blue Sunday me. There is a totally different alternate life I have to think about. In that life, I continued the pregnancy and Blue Sunday was born. Even if he lived only for a short amount of time, his entire life would have been of sickness. His. Entire. Life.
I could hardly handle 2 days of Bub feeling icky. Not even sick, no congestion, no cough, no rash. Just a little temperature (not even considered a fever by the pedi), 2 diapers of diarrhea and some crying. Nothing mom and dad snuggles, some Tylenol and a few days didn't fix. How could I have handled a child actually suffering and then dying?
After our first round of shots, I am even more determined to continue them to protect my sweet, healthy boy from the horrors that these vaccines can prevent against. Pertussis and measles are both going around in our area.  I can't imagine nursing my boy through those things. It would rip my soul out to see him suffer.
Thus, once again, I have been given just a little reminder of the life I didn't choose- I didn't choose it for myself, or for my child- and I still believe I made the right decision for us all.
Me and my baby- 10 weeks and 5 days


  1. Love his expression! And the angry birds bandaids. And the pro-vax stance (and if that SHOULD even be controversial.) And the thoughts on what a sick baby life would be like...I have the same thoughts. xo

  2. Beautiful picture of you and Liam. You sound like you all are coping wonderfully with parenthood.