If You're Going Through Hell

I just need a bit of a ramble tonight, it's been a hard day.

My mother-in-law called this morning while I was tending to bub and hub was out spending our tax return on a crazily expensive saw so he can play with it finish my hallways. I missed the call but didn't think too much of it, tomorrow is Easter after all, so we're going there for dinner and need to make final plans. 

My phone rang again not long after and I had bub squared away for the moment so I answered. It was my dad letting me know that MIL called him letting him know her dad was just taken by ambulance to to the hospital. Cutting out the long, confused middle of this story, it turns out he had a major stroke on both sides of the brain. He will not come out of it according to the doctors. We have made the decision to place him on hospice care.

This is the man that raised my hub, when we met, he was still doing push-ups and sit ups every day. After his wife died suddenly he started to decline. In the nearly 10 years since, he's given up his house, his reading, going to mass and yes, even the push-ups and sit-ups. He's has a few strokes in the past few years, he broke his hip. This is a hard time and will be a hard loss. We are so thankful he made it to see Liam Francis, his middle-name namesake be born safely into this world.

On top of that, which is bad enough really, my uncle, my dad's brother, is in the hospital and not doing well. His lungs are failing, after years of smoking (all kinds of things). He is a nice man, eccentric, a little rough around the edges, but those are all good things. My dad already lost a brother, along with both his parents at a young age. I'm hoping he pulls through, but it doesn't look good. 

In less upsetting news, Liam remains a terrible sleeper. He won't sleep in his on bed most nights. I am still terrified of bed-sharing, but that seems to be the only way we get any sleep. He still won't nap and this is making for very exhausted mommy and baby.. and I'm back to work now. 

On that note, I HATE my work situation. There is just a whole lot of not good happening, including me really not believing in core of the company any longer. Neither my boss nor his boss are speaking to me. Yes, you read that right, the two of them just walk on by my cube. It is very strange. My boss's boss said that he is "Interested to see if Ray and Lizzy put the company first or their babies". Really? Is there a question? I put every living thing before a company. My boss said to my maternity leave replacement "Watch out for the young ones. They are out to get us". There are FOUR "young ones", Ray, another woman, a guy and me.. so apparently I'm on the shit list.

My life is a stress sandwich. All except this face:

 

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

...

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
Rodney Atkins, If You're Going Through Hell

The Sweetest Thing

Liam deserves his own update, so here it is.

Bub at 3 months

What we call him- I am big on nicknames. My brother is Chicken, my mom MP for Mother Pie, I am Peachy, Hub really is hub (that isn't a blog name), my favorite cousin is either wife or KT. Strangely my dad is daddy.. fairly normal. For Liam we've tested out lots of nicknames- peanut, little buddy, best boy, L-man. But what is sticking is Bub. So now I have bub and hub. I told Hub yesterday that if we have another, we can call him or her cub. I love it.

Joys- Bub is a happy, smiley little babe. His favorite time of the day is diaper change time. He especially likes being changed upstairs on his changing table. He likes being nude or nearly so. He smiles, laughs and "talks" to us during this time. Baths are growing on him, but he hates being cold so he loses his mind when we take him out. He is very cuddly (clingy?) he always wants to be held, kissed and talked to. Speaking of kisses- he loves them. He smiles and then opens his mouth wide when a kiss is on its way. A little messy, but very cute. 

Challenges- Bub hates sleeping. I think because he is expected to sleep alone. He was a really good night sleeper until about a week or a week and a half ago. He was getting 5-6 hours stretches in his co-sleeper, followed by another of about 4 hours. He would spend the morning nursing on and off and bedsharing with me. He slept in the crook of my arm. WELL. He has realized that when he cries, I feed him. So he cries as soon as I put him into his bed. I pick him up and nurse, he falls asleep after 2 seconds I ease him into bed, cue crying. The process starts all over. After about 2 hours I can get an hour without him in my bed this is early-ish in the night. Once he wakes up from that,  I nurse him but usually fall asleep when he does. I just can't fight with him for 2 more hours at 1am. Anyone have any advice? He still doesn't nap. Never has. 

Developments- Liam is SO interactive. He holds eye contact with me even from across the room. He loves his grandparents (all 4 of them) his aunts and uncle, and of course hub and me. He will duck his head sometimes with strangers but he usually warms right up. He will grasp things that he likes the feel of. He has a nubbly blanket, stuffy thing. I think people call them lovies? He LOVES it. He also has a very fuzzy baseball blanket that he likes. He's in love with his hands and bites on them and looks at them constantly. He makes half-hearted attempts to swat at things, but not consistently and he usually misses. He seems to be on the verge of rolling over (front to back), but he hates tummy time so much it's a struggle. 

General- He's still a tiny guy. He can still wear some newborn things, but is mostly in 0-3 month clothes. He wears size 1 diapers. I think he's about 13 pounds by my home scale. He looks JUST LIKE his dad. He has lovely eyelashes, but no eyebrows to speak of.


Here is the progression of my little man:

3 Days Old

2 Weeks Old

One Month Old

2 Months Old

Unofficial 3 Months Old Picture

 

This is a blind kind of love
Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing
U2, The Sweetest Thing

Love That Dirty Water: a Reprise

I cannot believe I have to write a second post like this. Just about a year ago, I posted this. My beloved city, my marathon Monday had been altered, sullied by bombs. 3 innocent young people- a child and 2 young women- were killed. Scores were injured. People lost limbs, hearing and their sense of security.

Now We are rocked by a different type of tragedy. A massive fire destroyed a home in the heart of the city. Conditions were very windy and the building was old. 2 firefighters were trapped in a basement and they died. 

The city is shocked. 

Saddened. 

It's brought the tragedy of the marathon back to the forefront. 

The men who were killed in that fire- lieutenant Walsh and firefighter Kennedy- were from the firehouse located on the street where the marathon ends. Their house, engine 33 and ladder 15, was the first to respond to the marathon. Now not quite a year later, the men of that house are forced to face loss and tragic death again. 

This event hit much closer to him for me. My best friend from college has been dating a firefighter for 5 years now. His cousin is their close friend and is also a firefighter. The men who died were in his house. It was his job to lead the team who extracts firefighters in danger. His team attempted but were unsuccessful in getting out Walsh and Kennedy before it was too late. 

Mike Kennedy know many if the same people and I know him in passing. His girlfriend of 10 years is the best friend of an aquantience of mine. His best friend is a friend of mine. That friend is the man who carried his helmet into the funeral (the cover from 4/4/14). Mike's wake was held in my neighborhood, the funeral procession went through the center of my town. His funeral was at the church my brother graduated from high school in (we attend the other parish in the neighborhood). 

Liam and I walked down to watch his casket be lifted onto the firetruck and make it's way to the church. My while wonderful town was out, lining. The streets. Kids from the local school, retirees, women like me with babies. The local bar set up a free breakfast for anyone passing through town that morning. It was heartbreaking and wonderful. 

Hold your loved ones a little tighter, perform an act of kindness for your civil servants. You never know when a tragedy will strike.

Crazy, Beautiful Life

Things are still crazy and getting crazier. I started back at work, from home, 20 hours a week. Hub thinks I'm catching up on work right now, but instead I am reading and writing blogs. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? I never get any Lizzy time. For the most part I don't mind in the least. No me time because I have a baby is just fine in my book. I am feeling much better now that I  am working some. It sounds counter-intuitive that when I have more to do I feel like I have more time, but the inertia of motherhood was weighing me down. With work, I have to get up and get organized. Liam, as it turns out, will stop fussing if I just let him be for 5 minutes of so. Who knew?

Hub took a management position much bigger than the one he was in previously. He's now taking home work. On nights like tonight, when we both have work to do it gets a little hairy. I gave him first shift working and I minded bub. Who screamed (he wants daddy when daddy is home). I got him to settle after almost an hour. I told him two stories and he fell asleep for about 30 minutes. That NEVER happens. Of course, that was when hub "took over". He is currently sleeping on the couch. The house is a disaster, we haven't had dinner and bub is awake (but not crying, yet). Since he is being negligent.. I am blogging.

All in all, things are great here. Bub is growing like a weed, but my home scale he's about 12.5 pounds now! He is smiling and cooing and has started to laugh. He smiles when we kiss him, at the dog and when he's in his playgym- some of his favorite things! He sleeps awesome at night, terrible in the day.  He loves being naked. Unfortunately, winter hasn't left New England. He's starting to warm up to baths. He is a love-bug, a joy and has made my life a million times brighter.

I owe you several posts, about work and about a horrible loss to a mother in a chat group I belong to, but I really need to do that work now. Hub is now awake, holding bub and cooking :)

Morning post bed share snuggle.

I'm in love, alright
With my crazy, beautiful life
Kesha, Crazy, Beautiful Life