Come on Ride the Train, the crazy train that is.
My period came back.
I was- am- psyched. I really want to be back to myself and part of myself is having a cycle. Also, it's great to know I didn't have to 100% wean to start again. But.. there is always a but with me...
This puts me back into the TTC cyclone.
I'm not really ready to start TTC again: I have another 5-10 pounds I'd like to lose, I think 15 months apart is a little close for my liking between kins and his little, I'd really like to have a summer baby. Not to mention I am currently in a job search (yay!) and I'd really hate to be out on maternity leave after less than a year on the job (and technically they don't have to hold my job OR pay me if that is the case).
Here I am, planning like I'll conceive on the first try. This thinking caused SO much pain over the past 3 years. You have to think this way though, right? When you aren't exactly sure you're ready to be pregnant, you have to really contemplate it actually happening on the first try and see the ramifications. I don't think it will cause any real problems, just minor annoyances that will be VASTLY overshadowed by the joy of pregnancy.
So here we are Not Trying, Not Preventing (NTNP). 15 months after my last cycle, which was 15 months after letting Blue Sunday fly. The numeric coincidences I've found on this journey are staggering sometimes. It is amazing how much faster these last 15 months went by as compared to the 15 that came before. Even the terror of pregnancy, peaking here, was so much easier than the first dark months after loss and the last few months where hopelessness sunk in.
With my wonderful little guy, I feel like even another 15 months of BFNs will be more bearable.
Secretly, I am hoping the absolute relief I feel having become a mom relaxes my mind and body enough to have an unmediated conception (not to mention the 10 pounds I've lost (and 5 more are off my body and just in my boobs!). There is so much less pressure, though that could be pressure unto itself in my warped mind.
Here I am CD10. Remember those coincidences I mentioned above? There is one more.
11 days ago, CD-1, I saw this:
On CD -1 15 months ago, there was this:
Come on, ride the train
Woo woo, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
It's the Choo Choo, ride it, woo woo