Delays

I have been feeling OK about the wait for my embryo transfer and truly trying to soak in the moments of true joy my bub gives me. I've realized I've been living in terms of my cycle and not in what I already have. You'd think after Blue Sunday I'd remember that lesson on my own. Blarg.  

So. All was well in the waiting front, but then today I got a call from my RE's office that they are rescheduling me from 8/18 (a week from today) to 9/16. I am disappointed. So disappointed in fact that I wrote the following e-mail to my nurse: 

No response yet, she is usually right on top of it, so I am hoping she is working on 'finding' an appointment, even though I was told nothing is available by the woman rescheduling me. I'll keep you posted, 

Hi Nurse, 

This is Lizzy. I was trying to wait for my appointment which was scheduled for a week from today to ask a few questions, but it was just rescheduled for 5 weeks from now (9/16/2015). 

I started my cycle on 7/26, which was the Sunday after my Tuesday egg retrieval. I started birth control then, but have been spotting since. Is this OK? While on the topic of birth control, am I to just continue taking it until my appointment on 9/16? This is 7 weeks on BCP. 

I need to say before I close that I am disappointed and upset with how this process has been since egg retrieval. My retrieval was 7/21, I spoke to the doctor on 7/23 (4 awesome looking embryos). I called to prompt results both 7/21 and 7/27 (for biopsy results). I didn't hear from Dr. that day (you gave me the results- 1 made it to biopsy and freeze). My husband and I were very upset at the results and have been looking forward to speaking with doc next week. I felt that the 3+ weeks from biopsy to follow-up appointment was long, and now we will be waiting even more. I think 8 weeks is a very long wait. I know that it is the summer time, and that you're very busy, but I have a lot of questions about my response, the growth of my embryos and most importantly how and when we will be transferring my embryo.  

Re-evaluating Time #MicroBlogigng Monday

In light of my friend’s tragedy on Tuesday (and please leave love and advice on that post), I am re-evaluating the way I spend my time.  I wanted to travel to the celebration of life on Saturday, but due to a variety of factors I was unable to. I didn’t want the weekend slip away, as so many do, in a flurry of chores, watching TV, playing games on the phone and going to the gym. I packed up my precious boy, my husband and couple we are friends with. We headed to a camp ground. We unplugged for the most part (grand-parents require a check in and moments must be captured on film). Baby Flynn was not far from our minds or hearts. Neither was Blue Sunday. 

Bub loved camping.  He loved playing outside, exploring the world and being the center of our universe.  I am so, so lucky.

At one point the 4 adults concluded that if between the 4 of us, the only child is bub, we still have hit a home run.

I couldn’t agree more.

Time is too short, life is far too fragile.

Sometimes you can't be with the one you love, honey

Love the one you're with

Crosby Stills Nash,  Love The One You're With

Tragedy: Advice and Small Comfort to a Friend

It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I write a friend of mine lost her 5 month old son Flynn yesterday, 04AUG2015. It was sudden and unexpected. She is one of the very few people I know in real-life who reads this blog. Though she is not a blogger herself, she will read your comments here eventually. They are not a religious family,  but prayers, good thoughts and good advice are greatly needed. Any love you can send will be appreciated.

I have experienced only a shadow of the tragedy she is going through, but here are the things I do know (applicable to all the baby lost, tailored for my friend) feel free to add:

1. You will never feel "normal" again, but there will be joy. Take comfort in what you do have: the time you spent with your baby boy, your daughter, your husband, family, friends.

2. Don't feel you have to shield others from your loss if you don't want to. You experienced something that is almost unimaginable.

3. People are going to say stupid shit. They (almost always) mean well. You can still tell them off if you want to.

4. You will smile, laugh and someday get through an hour, a day even a week without crying. Allow yourself the joy of these moments: even in the early days. I like to think of grief and joy swapping themselves out in time occasionally. The moments of early grief, intense and crippling, sometimes evaporate (even in the first days of loss), and a smile breaks through. This isn't grief skipped- it will come back- days, weeks, months, even years down the road and you'll suddenly grieve like you literally just got the news. You just borrowed that moment's joy from the future. You deserve to feel both the joy and the grief at any moment in this process.

5. People want to help. Try and let them. I wish I had allowed this in my first days of grief. My Christmas tree was still up in February (odds came on Boxing day). The dishes weren't done for weeks. We didn't eat. People offered to clean and cook and I refused. Unfortunately, there is tragedy in every life, you'll be able to repay them eventually.

6. Talk about him, show pictures of him, smile over happy memories and cry over sad ones. People think that you can "forget" and don't want to bring your loss up again. I get it in the early days, when you're trying to get through that moment without falling apart. After the first raw bit, most of the babylost want to talk about their children. When you do that, others will know he isn't a taboo topic.

7. Try and remember that YOU have needs too. Eat, Bathe, Dress, Sleep. Lean on others.

I love you so much, I wish I could heal this- but nothing can.

IVF#1 D28: #microblogging Monday

What I just googled:

“odds of pregnancy with single embryo transfer of PGS normal embryo”

“one PGS normal embryo”

Yep. Normal.

I was totally caught off guard with the results call which made me break my cardinal rule and cry at work.

I had gotten a call from an unknown number on my work line and ignored it. They are usually recruiters and I am not interested in changing positions at this time. After a meeting I saw I had a missed call and voicemail on my personal phone. I figured it was the same person, since the number wasn’t in my phone as a saved number (I don’t know what number my nurse called from- her office usually comes up with her name). I was walking to a (big, important) meeting with a co-worker (who is also a friend, thank goodness) and listened to the message.

I should have excused myself when I heard her voice, but they told us 10 business days to results and today is only the 5^th business day. I figured it was a check in call. But no. “I just wanted to call and let you know your embryo is normal”. I didn’t listen to the rest of the message (I have now, nothing important followed that). I started shaking. I stumbled out something to my co-worker about how that wasn’t a call I was expecting and that I wouldn’t have listened to it just then. I ended up putting my things down in the meeting and crying in the bathroom for a minute or two before the meeting started. Then I called hub and told him the news.

At this point, we are hoping for a successful transfer ending in a happy, healthy baby. If that is the case, it will likely be my last.

Crazy.