So my work friend Ray is expecting her second child. She was due yesterday and is being induced tonight. Last time she was pregnant, I was too and her baby girl was born (3.5 weeks early) just under 4 months before kins. It has been very hard watching her grow while I have failure after failure.
We have been chatting in the office and now texting as she has been through the ups and downs of this pregnancy and now as she is pending delivery. She is high-risk and so there is a lot to stress over. I hope that she successfully delivers a healthy baby in the coming hours. This is planned to be her last, so I hope she closes out her last pregnancy on a high note.
Someone once asked me why I can't "just be happy" relating to pregnancy, babies, kins etc. I finally have an answer:
I can be happy for others. I can and I am. I am so happy that Ray has gotten to experience a full-term pregnancy (though they are hard!). I am happy that she is about to deliver a healthy baby. BUT I can't be "just" happy.
I want more kids than I will ever have. So I am happy, but I am sad.
I know we started TTC #2 much longer ago than she did. She got pregnant her first cycle of trying (last time was unplanned). So I am happy, but I am envious.
These comparisons are staring me in the face when I talk to, see or think about pregnancy, kids, families with more than one child. I cannot help but think of myself when these things are around me. It is impossible to be "just" when your mind is consumed with TTC.
The inability to be "just happy" is unjust. I would LOVE to feel "just happy" for someone. I know what this feeling is like- I am truly "just happy" when people get promoted, married or move into a new home. But pregnancy is my sore spot. I don't want it to be, but it is.
No one should have this heartbreak. Not in terms of family building, loss or anything else that someone really truly wants and cannot have.
Nothing is Just. In any sense of the word.