Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I Guess We Never Really Moved On: EBD Five

Lips of an Angel


My goodness I should have a 5 year old.

That is crushing. I miss my baby. I know I never knew him. I know we didn’t have much time together. I remember so much more of that pregnancy than my other 2. It makes sense in a lot of ways- pregnancy was the only time we had, and it was my first pregnancy. 

Now having two kids, I can see the way even kids with the same mom and dad, born into about the same situation can vary so much. MG is easy, laid back and just a ray of happiness. Kinsy is strong-willed, sensitive and a BIG personality. I adore them both though they are completely different. I'll never really glimpse at what I'm missing with Blue Sunday.

And never is forever- so it will hurt forever.

This is what people in my real life don't get. I know the feelings of some- that I should move on, that I should seek help, that I keep building up the mountain that should now be eroded to a molehill. I have sought help and I had two therapists tell me I am totally normal and appropriately dealing. They agree- it will always hurt, I am in the majority of loss moms who feel jealous, angry and sad when others don't and can't understand this grief.

Day to day, I'm OK. I treasure my kids, and I probably love them a little harder for what brought me here. But every year, as the days pass and we come to late May- I think "in another place and time, where my eggs weren't masquerading as old ladies way before their time- would this have been my first baby's birthday? What would I have been feeling 5 years ago today? Right now?" And worse in some ways "What am I missing today?" The first party with real friends? A best friend for myself in the mom of some other like-age little kid? A thousand laughs, smiles and tears and a thousand thousand to come. 

My girl’s in the next room, 
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
Hinder, Lips of an Angel


  1. "And never is forever- so it will hurt forever." Wow, you nailed it. You and Blue Sunday are in my thoughts today. xo

  2. 5 years is a drop in the bucket. You knew Blue. You saw her. Felt her. It's been almost 10 years since my first miscarriage and I was pregnant for about a millisecond but I still think about it. So 5 years is totally appropriate to still having the thoughts you do. You are right, other people definitely don't understand. You are normal. Their lack of understanding is not. I would have a 7 and 2 year old, but no Ava (because, physics). It really helps to connect with women who have been through it. They understand.