Survivor’s Guilt.
Here I am 12 weeks pregnant all on my own. It's hard to believe
sometimes (most of the time). I can't quite get over that I am the person all
those people told me about when I was in treatment.
"If you stop trying, it
will happen. That's what my cousin, Imaginary Friend, did"
"May be you could drink
and relax on vacation and you'll come home KTFU. My best friend from K1 (that I
haven't seen since) had that happen!"
"My friend so-and-so
didn't even have a uterus and she did some voodoo shit and has 12 kids
now!"
I made the last one up, but you
know what I mean.
Now I'm the anecdote. I'm
1 and 2. OMFG. I HATE it. I feel terrible that I could be used to "cheer
someone up" or "give them hope" when they are thinking
"That can't be me because XYZ" (And XYZ can be literally true (no
uterus) or figuratively true (Premature Ovarian Failure and shitty, shitty egg
quality [aka me]) and it doesn't feel any less impossible.
I'm a 34 year old infertile
woman who was NOT trying and is now having an unplanned, natural pregnancy. I
did three round of IVF and came up with one embryo. ONE. It's hard to talk
about this pregnancy.
The IF world pulls in women
from all walks of life, who are in the world for many different reasons. We are
all however, bonded in the loss of a natural, easy pregnancy. Except when we
aren't.
Except when you’re me.
Yes! I totally understand. My first child is a product of IVF. My second child is a natural pregnancy when my husband and I randomly had sex as we were gearing up for our third IVF cycle. I'm obviously over the moon that it happened but also feel terrible that people can use me as an "example" of how pregnancy just happens when you aren't trying, even if you are infertile.
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