Thursday, March 8, 2012

I'm not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell

It feels like spring out today. It smells like spring, too. Even in my office, behind windows that don't open I smell spring. All fall and some winter I thought "Once it's warm again, I'll be having a baby soon". Not so much. I have played that game for years it feels- all the times hub was away, planning for my wedding. Once it is (season) I'll be (happy event). The last one- when he was deployed was "Next time it's cold/snowy/awful out Hub will be here!" It kept me going. When he did come home it was the worst/best snow season in a decade. It snowed every single week. Does this mean it will be a wonderful, yet baby-less Spring?

The wonderful, taunting weather makes me think even more about TTC. This month, in 6 days, we'll start trying again. Last time it took 5 months (4 not really trying and then one with a fertility monitor and BFP). The first 4 we were kind of just having fun. I think I sabotaged it. I had a weekend of drinking canoeing down the Saco planned and I wanted an Octoberfest before I started riding the wagon.

I'm already feeling hopeless about this cycle. I have so much riding on it. My only shot at a 40-week 2012 baby and 1 of only 3 cycles to have a BFP before Blue Sunday's due date. Right now, I feel trying is going to be a long haul thing.

This morning I felt differently. I dreamed I was pregnant and had just gotten word the baby was healthy. I got the call at a work meeting, some of my favorite work people were there (I only like a few of them). I got a call on my personal cell and stepped outside to take it, this is a big deal. Cells are forbidden in work meetings, I knew the call was coming and had prior approval. It was the OB who said that the tests were back and everything was negative (which is a positive thing!). I went back into the meeting crying. Everyone was very concerned and I said "This time everything is just perfect". Though people asked, I wouldn't confirm I was pregnant because I has to tell Chris first and he was in Puerto Rico with the Army. I took from that that I will be in the 20-22 week range the last week of July- when Hub will be away.  Meaning conception this cycle.

Now I'm thinking may be it was the first tri screens and scans and not the amnio and 20 week anatomy scan. That would be conception the cycle encompassing my due date. I don't want to go down that road. I don't want to conceive when I should have been giving birth...

Crazy-cakes? No? It was a DREAM not a flash into the future. 

Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me 
Matchbox 20, Unwell

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