Monday, June 11, 2012

Fearing the "good"

I thought I posted the update to my Day 10 appointment, but it appears that I did not. Sorry about that.

I was really anxious going into the office. It was my first time going into the ultrasound room since I had my level II and amnio with Blue Sunday. The smells of the office upset me. I cried when they left me to get undressed. I was shaking when I was thinking about seeing my empty uterus when last time it was so full of a beautiful little baby. I didn't want to be back at the OB U/S room when I would have been in the hospital delivering my baby I want so, so much.

The appointment was a shit-show from the get go, even ignoring the mini-breakdown. I was running late, probably because I was dreading going to the appointment, then I went to the U/S office first but I was supposed to go to the office upstairs to take- drumroll--- a pregnancy test. I was waiting in the U/S office for 10 minutes when they realized I was supposed to be upstairs. I went up to attempt to pee in a cup (I had JUST gone). Obviously, I'm not pregnant. It is CD 10. So that was negative and we all went down to do the exam.

It was actually a hysteroscopy and not a hysterosalpingogram. Not 100% sure on the difference, though the latter uses contrast and an X-Ray and the hysteroscopy uses U/S and saline. They both check out the uterus and tubes. She asked me "Have you been trying this cycle"?  I hadn't really been, my CBFM wasn't at high yet and I knew I was going to get flushed out by the saline It seemed a little early anyway- CD10 and I was expecting O on CD15.  She recommends every other day from 7 days before expected ovulation. She referred to it as the most "efficient". My tubes are clear, my ute is "beautiful" according to the OB and I had a "perfect" follicle!

Wouldn't that be cool if I get pregnant this cycle, and I've seen the egg that becomes NO MORE AND NO LESS than half of the genetic information of my first take-home baby? I'm not holding out much hope of this, we got a late start on BD, and I still have ~20 pounds to lose. But it would be cool.

But I digress...

Not going to lie, I'm a little upset the scan was so good.

That's crazy, right? I'll explain.

Last time I had a good U/S was 12/27/12- The day after I got my 1:5 odds. The day of my amnio. 2 days before I heard my baby would never be born, get in trouble, call me mom, graduate, marry and have my grandchildren. The U/S was nearly perfect. Blue Sunday's femurs were short (by a week), but Chris and I are not tall people, so we thought may be it would be okay. Obviously, it wasn't. 

I now have this deep seeded fear of "good" U/S. I don't trust an U/S and I don't quite believe their diagnostic power. It isn't that I wanted the results to be "bad", it's just that I don't feel relief from the "good" news.

Welcome to the crazy world of a BLM.
I'll end this on a funny.  So after the hysteroscopy I'm told I should sit up but that I should be careful, since the saline would leak. I mush have gave the OB a look, because she added "It won't gush, but you'll notice" Then she handed me a pad and insisted "I'll need it" and put a few of those doggie wee-wee pads under me. I sit up and they walk out. I felt some leakage and waited for it to stop, the stood to get my panties, which were across the room, so that I could put on the giant pad and go home. I got about halfway and gushed all over the floor. ALL OVER THE FLOOR. It was terrible. I look around totally panicked and see the paper blanket thing they gave me to wipe myself down and I use that to mop up the floor. I start laughing feeling so absurd. I'm naked from the waist down, wearing my work clothes on top. Standing in this room where I had an anmio that sentenced my Blue Sunday to death. I have just find out everything is "fine" inside- only I can't get pregnant. Now I am gushing all over the place moping it up with a paper blanket. So I'm laughing- but that makes more gushing. And I am terrified they will walk back in and see the unsanitary mess I'm making.

Word to the wise, If you're going to have a hysteroscopy, keep your undies next to you, and use the pad :)

May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, 
for every tear a smile, 
for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. 
For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, 
for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer. 
Irish Blessing

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