Tuesday, June 19, 2012

What Might Have Been

Thought on my Life Without a 2.5 Week-Old

It is strange now to think I would have had a 2.5 week-old baby if the chromosomes had behaved normally at conception that September day. I feel so far away from that life now. While I was in my imaginary pregnancy after termination, the feelings of what SHOULD have been were so strong. I knew the should-have-been pregnancy countdown, the days I would have had my baby shower, gotten the bags packed for the hospital, finished the nursery. Now, that is behind me and I can say honestly that I have no idea what my life would be like now had I had a birth instead of a termination. It is a HUGE relief.

After my due date passed, things really have been leaps and bounds easier. I feel that I have come out of a fog and finally am beginning to take stock of the pieces of my life. I am putting them back together and things are beginning to feel happy and whole again.

I hope that doesn't sound cold. Sometimes I wonder if I am an unfeeling person. I am really glad that I didn't do a Labor and Delivery termination. I think that holding my Blue Sunday would have made this part of the journey more difficult. That I cannot think in concrete terms about what it would be like to birth my baby, to hold someone that was created from the love between hub and me, is a blessing. I can't imagine the feeling of finally finding out if Blue Sunday was actually Blue or Sunday. I can't fathom that I would have already taken a squalling infant home from the hospital and began caring for it for the rest of my life. I wouldn't call that a relief, but it is a reprieve to not have to imagine that when I am still so far away from a take-home baby of my own. Today, after all, is:

Cycle Day 1

After (only!) one and a half days of spotting, here I am again on CD1. 28 days after I last started. I know that I wasn't feeling very hopeful about the cycle- with the procedure on CD10 interrupting the BD schedule- but I found myself incredibly disappointed yesterday. As usual for Sad Lizzy, I fought with hub before sitting on the couch and crying. In my defense, he was being crabby himself and I had just gotten home after a 14 hour marathon of work and class. Trying to look on the bright side, this was a much more normal cycle- O on CD 13, spotting starting Sunday morning on CD 26 and actually starting mid-day yesterday CD27. I wasn't as crazy hormonal and my cycle "feels" normal so far. All good things, no?

That said, I REALLY feel like this could be our cycle. I have a new OB approved BD plan, it is summer- when I am happy (and frisky), I should O over the July 4th weekend- my favorite holiday!  It happens to be one I don't celebrate with drinking, I can abstain without scrutiny and no one will know we're trying again. This has become important to me. It is hard though, no one in my group has children and everyone drinks socially- and we're together a lot. This isn't problem drinking- we have one or two with dinner or while watching the game, but more than I want to be doing. As soon as I turn down a bev, I'll get:

Friend "You're pregnant!?"
Lizzy "No".
Friend "But you think you are!?"
Lizzy "No"
 Friend "Then have a beer!"
Lizzy "I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant but I'm not feeling hopeful"
Friend "But there is ALWAYS hope!"

Since everyone is really rooting for us to have kids, I get the eagle eye when we're together. If I don't drink the rumors - and questions- will start. Since, as I mentioned, July 4th is a holiday we aren't in the position to drink- at the beach for the weekend- at the Esplanade for the actual holiday- I won't have that horrible awfulness of a self-conversation when I am about to be faced with a drink.

Rational Lizzy- Just one is fine, says the OB.
Irrational Lizzy- I went to that concert the night before I found out I was pregnant with Blue Sunday and had several beers, that's why he was so sick  (Note to readers- we were SURE we missed the egg that cycle- due to travel we had last BDed 6 days before O. I might have one but never more than that)
Rational Lizzy- No that isn't it. Also, everyone is looking at you, if you pass they are ALL going to think you're pregnant. Just what I need. More gossip about my uterus.
Irrational Lizzy-I'm supposed to be the irrational voice! I shouldn't hang out with such alchies. Really that's the problem. No one here isn't drinking. NOT ONE PERSON. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb.
Rational Lizzy- Just one. 
Irrational Lizzy- I feel like crap.
Rational Lizzy-Me too.

Fingers crossed for a little March Leprechaun.

And try not to think about what might have been
'Cause that was then and we have taken different roads
We can't go back again there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know what might have been
No, we'll never know what might have beenLittle Texas, What Might Have Been

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