Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Let Your Feelings Show

I mentioned way back here that I was going to write to OPG about how am actually in self protection mode and not an uninterested, pregnancy hating meanie. I had the whole e-mail composed with the help of some I  good feedback from my blog readers by a blog comment (thanks E!) and some e-mails from those who like to keep anonymous. I couldn't pull the trigger on it though and I went back to just avoiding her, which worked for a few weeks. Now two days in a row I was sitting next to her in meetings. One (today) was a lunch meeting where there were vendors in attendance we were invited down to be introed as "Here is X and X, you shouldn't need them, but if you do here is what they look like! Please eat these sandwiches!" Needless to say, 30 minutes of conversation between us ensued. Mostly, we just stuck to the joys of owning old homes (snort). Eventually conversation faltered and silence came over us. I had to ask about the baby "So everything ready for.. (look down at baby bump to delay)... baby?" Lucky for me she was good about it and didn't talk about the fun stuff (nursery! clothes!) and instead focused on being scared of labor. Who can blame her? So it went well, but I still felt shitty that I couldn't be as excited for her as I would have been before Blue Sunday. 

Once I came back to my office, I finally decided to hit send on this:  

I really just wanted to write so that you don’t think I’m a jerk. I probably seem uninterested in your pregnancy and like I have been avoiding you. Everything is still fresh from what happened to me but I am really happy for you and your husband. I'm just not to the point that I can talk about pregnancies at work. Please know that I was avoiding talking about it for no other reason than keeping my emotions in check in public… I like when people don’t think I’m crazy (easier said than done).
I know this is out of the blue, you don’t have to respond or anything. I just felt badly and wanted you to know.

And got back less than 10 minutes later (no exaggeration, it was 9 minutes)

I know I don’t have to respond and I completely understand where you are coming from. To be honest, I’ve tried to not say things in front of you, because I cannot imagine at all what you and your husband have gone through, but sometimes I forget. I have the utmost respect for you, and I’m glad that you are here at XXXXXX. You help make it that much easier to be here. You are very good people.
It was so nice. I was really glad I sent it and feel much better for it. I know that it can't clear the air completely. I will always be a woman who lost a child and she will hopefully stay one who hasn't.. or at least one who hasn't as late as I did. 
Try not to hide,
What you feel deep inside.
If you care, you must dare,
To be free as the air.
Earth Wind and Fire,  Let your Feelings Show

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