Update on My (Lack of) Baby Making

**This blog is really not meant to be a TTC blog. The intent is really to put out to the world the emotions that come from terminating a much wanted child due to a medical cluster fuck issue. That said, TTC again is, for most, an inevitable step after a TFMR. I can't imagine ending the reproductive years on such an incredibly low note, though I know that is exactly what some people choose or are forced to do.  Mercifully, I am not in this situation. Blue Sunday's condition was a "fluke", I am reproductively middle-aged at 29 and have 6 years before I hit the AMA milestone. But I am terrified, that hub and I have become infertile.**

It is CD4, and it sucks.

This was our 5th cycle "really" trying and our 6th overall. If I was 6 years older, I would be labeled infertile and be able to enter the world of ART. I know that the distinction is made because those of us under 35 have more time left to conceive, and so additional resources are provided earlier to older women- but it still sometimes seems strange- you would think it is the sign of a bigger problem that people have trouble conceiving at a time when it should be easier for them to do so.  In any case, 6 more months until I can get some real testing paid for by insurance.

My new obsessive thought (since the "I was harmed in surgery" idea has been  [mostly] put to rest) is that HUB is the issue. Without giving too much away, since the community he runs in is tiny, he is in the military and deals with some yucky things. I now fear that over his training and deployment that he was exposed to something particularly yucky and his sperm is now FUBAR (F*ed Up Beyond All Recognition, for those not in the cool kid military club). These FUBAR sperm led to Blue Sunday the Spoiled Baby and nothing else in 1 year and 4 months of trying. I mean nothing, not even a chemical pregnancy to show for it, and I would know, because peeing on a stick is my hobby for all but one week a month.

Annnnnnnddddddd today, adding to my "feeling-sorry-for-myself" mood, I
1) Went to ooh and ahh over office BFF's TWO beautiful kids-  one 19 months and the other 2 weeks old WITH OPG (huge bump, totally adorable)
2) Got this auto-reply:

Thank you for your email.  I will be out of the office on maternity leave beginning June 6, 2012.  I plan to return to work at the end of August.  During my absence, please contact..........

One week to the day after MY due date. 

FML

Annd on that, my third F-bomb of this post, I'm out.